Cultures that covet sons and their offspring... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 36 Old 12-30-2008, 12:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mags View Post
Thanks. My big issue with the Chinese herbs is that I don't know where the hell my mom gets it. She goes back to Taiwan and then gets bags of herbs. They are not labeled, or anything, she has no way to know how they were handled or if they are pure, etc.. As for expectations, I have really, really low expectations of both my mil and mother, my mom is esp unreliable when it comes to, "helping" me with the kids, even if it was her idea to begin with.
mags
Forgive me if I wasn't clear enough.
I wasn't AT ALL suggesting that you take the herbs.

I realize that you were only venting and not asking for advice, so I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds. Your relationship with your mom is so painful for you, I thought it possible that you had not looked at the situation a bit differently.

What I suggested was to try to find ~something~ to help your mom feel included and important to you. You say she's unreliable (so not the babysitting), but there must be something else, something that you approve of that won't make her feel rejected by you.

Another quick thought, your mom may be enthusiastic about your sil's child right now.... but it's quite possible that she might end up disappointing your sil also in the same way that she has you when she's cancelled out on you. That would be sad, but it may turn out that your mom has a hard time giving the help that she herself didn't receive from her own mother and that it's not some deliberate action she's taking to hurt you. (not an excuse but a plausible explanation?)
Best of luck to you
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#32 of 36 Old 12-30-2008, 01:42 AM
 
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[QUOTE=noobmom;12814855]Look at the bright side--surely in her old age she'll expect your SIL (her DIL) to take care of her, not you, since that would be "tradition".QUOTE]

seriously? my dad is czech american and i've always felt my three brothers are favored, and being the only girl, i'm dumped on. i'm pretty sure that when my parents are old, the job of caring for them will be mine.

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#33 of 36 Old 12-30-2008, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Lazy Gardens View Post
Good move, because those things are DANGEROUS! The actual herb may be OK, if it is correctly identified and prepared, but the quality control is non-existent, and they are often laced with prescription medications or contaminated with heavy metals.

http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=3031748
http://www.ufscc.ufl.edu/Patient/can...rnews&id=17520
http://professional.cancerconsultant....aspx?id=29307

And that's just a few of the cites.

The same goes for the "traditional" remedies in Hispanic cultures: many or them are loaded with lead or mercury salts.

As for the "It's all natural" argument: botulin toxin, rattlesnake venom and castor beans are 100% natural. Any takers?
Thanks for the reassurance. I have this problem with both my mom and my Korean mil. They both think that Chinese herbs are, "safe." My mil actually says, "Chinese medicine is safe, Western medicine is bad." Meanwhile, my mil now has some weird lung issues. Her (western) doctors cannot figure out what is going on. My mil is convinced that she got sick from some geese (???) that hang out at a pond about a mile from her house?!?! I am convinced that with the weird concoction of Chinese herbs she takes, that it was something in those herbs (whether it be a fungus/mold or some other contaminant) that has made her sick. She refuses to believe it and now is on antibiotics almost ALL of the time. I'm going to send some of those links to my mom to read. She will most likely push Chinese herbs on my sil as well.
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#34 of 36 Old 12-30-2008, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by LoMaH View Post
mags
Forgive me if I wasn't clear enough.
I wasn't AT ALL suggesting that you take the herbs.

I realize that you were only venting and not asking for advice, so I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds. Your relationship with your mom is so painful for you, I thought it possible that you had not looked at the situation a bit differently.

What I suggested was to try to find ~something~ to help your mom feel included and important to you. You say she's unreliable (so not the babysitting), but there must be something else, something that you approve of that won't make her feel rejected by you.

Another quick thought, your mom may be enthusiastic about your sil's child right now.... but it's quite possible that she might end up disappointing your sil also in the same way that she has you when she's cancelled out on you. That would be sad, but it may turn out that your mom has a hard time giving the help that she herself didn't receive from her own mother and that it's not some deliberate action she's taking to hurt you. (not an excuse but a plausible explanation?)
Best of luck to you
LoMaH-

Yes, I understand what you mean. My mom will probably just make some frozen meals for me. She is a good cook and she knows that I like her cooking. And your point about mom's enthusiasm for my sil's baby waning (or broken promises) was something I was just thinking about a few days ago too. I had already told both of my brothers yrs ago that when they have kids, not to count on my mom to help them out, since she is so unreliable. I guess we shall see. At least my mil has agreed to be on call to watch our older kids when we need to go the hospital. Biggest problem is that she will probably either get lost or get into an accident on her way to our house, b/c that is just the way she is {sigh}. So, I don't know. I really wonder how my mil and mom were able to raise kids w/o something happening to us. Thanks for your support and ideas!
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#35 of 36 Old 12-30-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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Hi Mags,

That is a positive development for you (if not for your in-laws income). I hope she will be able to come through for you and help out w/ the older ones.


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Originally Posted by mags View Post
Strangely enough we just found out though that mil's boss has made her go part time (from full time). So, she is off in the afternoons now. My DH told her that we will need her to be, "on call" when it's time for the baby to be due (they live an hr away), so she can watch our two boys when I go to the hospital. She seemed very agreeable to it and is actually very excited to have one more grandchild. She had assumed that she would have no more. So, who knows. Maybe my mil will come through for us.
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#36 of 36 Old 01-04-2009, 03:47 AM
 
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Wow, I'd be majorly pissed off if my brother got preferential treatment.

My parents are from an Asian culture as well, and they are pretty traditional in their ways, but they do NOT prefer boys over girls. At least, I never got the impression. If they DO have a preference, they hide it very well.

My partner and I have a daughter together -- the first grandchild on both sides. The grandparents love her to pieces. If any one of them were ever to make a comment on how my daughter "should have been a boy," or something ridiculous like that, you better believe I'd cease contact immediately. :

That's just not cool.
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