Is your relationship fate or choice? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-28-2008, 03:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
Veronique's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 183
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I"m just curious as to how you all became a mulitcultural family. Was it a choice...as in "I want to have a Mexican husband." Or was it more of a circumstance?
I'm just wondering because sometimes for fun I read Craigslist or something similar, and I"m always amazed as to how many personal ads I see that state that the person wants to meet someone of a specific race/culture (not their own).
I remember when I was young I fell in love with a Mexican guy on a holiday trip. From that day forward, I decided to only date latin men! crazy, huh? ANd now i married one....
So, what happened in your situation?
Veronique is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-28-2008, 07:13 PM
 
goldfishkate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 135
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
By chance. My dh and I met working together when we were in highschool. I never went looking for an Asian guy, he just happened to be an Asian guy. We've been together 10 years now, married nearly 7 years. One of the things that really attracted me to him was the fact that he was interesting and different. (And very good looking).

Kate~ Mama to two.
goldfishkate is offline  
Old 12-28-2008, 09:10 PM
 
Swan3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 703
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
With me it was fate. I met DH when I was 16 and immediately developed a crush on him. Through the years I had many other crushes on many other men and of different ethnicities...although I guess mostly white (which is what DH is).

We would see eachother around through mutual friends until I found out from one of them that DH thought I was "cute"...then I stalked him until we ran into eachother again and got his phone number.

We've been together now for 11 years...married for 4!
Swan3 is offline  
Old 12-28-2008, 09:25 PM
 
cappuccinosmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
God's will.

I was envisioning and preparing for marriage with some sunburned, sandy-haired, plaid-shirted Mennonite farmboy, if only I could find one to marry me. Failing that, at least a semi-crunchy, back-to-basics kind of guy.

Instead I happened to meet my dh on a summer stint in Ethiopia. He's African and has *no* interest in farming.
cappuccinosmom is offline  
Old 12-28-2008, 09:40 PM
 
linguistmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy Valley
Posts: 1,123
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've always liked latin men, but I would have married DH whatever his race. He's from Mexico. I actually thought that Mexicans weren't as exotic or attractive as people from other Latin American countries because there are alot of them where we live. So I figured I would marry someone from Brazil, Ecuador etc.

Lots of things helped our relationship move along because I was attracted to his culture though. I already spoke Spanish which helped us get to know each other better even though he also spoke English.

:::
linguistmama is offline  
Old 12-28-2008, 09:44 PM
 
Keria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Far far away
Posts: 1,198
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Both I guess, DH is canadian and really really white, I am from latin america but from european descent before i met DH i thought I was white now i dont know hehe, I was never atracted to the "race" part and it was kind of a turn off in the beginning, I spent my weekends on the beach growing up so I have a nice tan and dont find that level of whiteness attractive, I am very attached to my family friends and country so I never thought i would marry a foreigner, but life circumstances have us were we are now married and planing to live in Canada at least at the beginning,so in that sense i guess fate and love, but the decision for me to marry him was a choice and not an easy choice at that. But i tend to over think everything so who knows.

Mommy to our Twin Miracles babygirl.gifbabyboy.gif born on 29/1/12

Keria is offline  
Old 12-28-2008, 11:59 PM
 
IsaFrench's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: now back in Europe
Posts: 1,979
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 15 Post(s)
both I would say.... growing up i was sorry my parents didn't raise me in a double culture (no reason why actually for them, unless you move back several generations since I was born in a border area where the frontier periodically moved as times went by .......)
then at college all the reference books mentionned by one teacher were NOT translated in my mother tongue & so I went to the country to learn the language ....

.... now, my husband had started learning spanish when I met him so he was a little annoyed to have to stop and learn my language instead; he now keeps on buying books in/about spanish although his work life leaves him NO time at all for studying ...


+ I realise that I have put my children in a situation that I would have liked for myself growing up = two languages, two cultures ....
so sometimes I worry that I push them too much in their schooling (like too eager parents who want their offspring to become some sort of champion in sports ....)
IsaFrench is online now  
Old 12-29-2008, 12:08 AM
 
FelixMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Montreal, Quebec
Posts: 463
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know for some people, they go through a period during their late teens and early 20s deliberately rebelling by dating anyone that's not of the same ethnic group, as if to prove a point by reverse discrimination. I have also heard stories of girls being made to swear on the deathbed of a loved parent NOT to date outside their ethnic group. I think that's emotional blackmail and evil too.

For me, it was never the case of consciously making an effort to date someone because of their ethnicity. Perhaps it was fate that the relationships that didn't work out happened to be ones where the guy was of the same ethnic group as me, and the personality flaws were too much to overcome.

So my love of my life happens to be Caucasian... I thank my lucky stars every day for the blessings he has brought to my life, and consider it a good thing that he cannot ever insult me in a way that would sting like my parents could in my mother tongue...

Sign hanging in Albert Einstein's office at Princeton: Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted, counts.
FelixMom is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 12:51 AM
 
veggiemomNYC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 26
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For me it was fate. In our freshman year at college, my husband and I lived across the hall from each other. We both had never dated anyone but after spending time together within a month we had decided that we want to marry. That was 10 years ago and I really don't feel like I started living my life until I met him. I don't think I would've ever married if it wasn't for him.
veggiemomNYC is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 02:03 AM
 
joanq's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 226
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my relationship with dh is definitely "fate". We both knew the moment we met that we would be together...we both independently told our moms about it, before he even got my phone number We had agreed to meet at an activity the following week and we've been together ever since.

I had always been attracted to/dated men of different backgrounds. I didn't choose who I would date based on their race or background. But I did always think it would be neat to raise a bilingual child, so I was definitely open to the possibility of someone from another country.

My immediate family is very open minded, but my extended family is patently not. My grandmother asked me "Why can't you just marry a nice white american boy?" UGGG! But she got over it and realized that my dh is a good man. I've been happy to see that my entire family has embraced my son whole heartedly.

(DH is Mexican and I am white American).
joanq is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 10:45 AM
 
aussiemum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: neither here nor there
Posts: 3,205
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Fate.

I never imagined that I would marry someone from a different country, & then permanently adopt the place as my home one day. We met by complete accident, & 'courted' (for lack of a better word!) for 2 years before I decided to move overseas to the UK & give the relationship a 6 month chance of living together.

DH & I are basically of the same race, more or less, so we didn't get any family crapola on that issue.

Almost 12 years later, my family still occasionally gives me a hard time about living 'so far away'. We try to visit as often as we can, but the reality is that we will never live in the US, & my US family will never live in Australia.

Aussiemumhippie.gif (40), DH caffix.gif (39), DD reading.gif (13), & DS 2whistle.gif(11).

aussiemum is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 11:01 AM
 
Turkish Kate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Body in Jax FL, Heart in Istanbul
Posts: 1,612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Fate. Fortune. Kismet. Karma. Serendipity. Providence. Chance. Divine Will.

All of those.

I certainly didn't set out to find a Turkish man. I didn't know anything about Turks or Turkiye. I had no clue as to what I was getting myself into, but I'm glad that I did.
Turkish Kate is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 01:47 PM
 
Liquesce's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Mayberry
Posts: 4,680
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My first husband, an element of both ... I chose to marry someone only of my same religion, which in practical terms narrows the same-cultural pool considerably. My second husband, choice -- mostly for the sake of my kids it was important to me that if I remarried it was to someone who could better help them connect to their father's culture and family.

That said, I always find "SWM seeking Asian female for LTR ..." or whatever kind of searches a little creepy. (Obviously) I understand there are reasons one might seek out someone of a particular background, ethnicity, etc, but when it appears the ethnic heritage alone is the reason ... I don't know. I'm uncomfortable with that.
Liquesce is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 05:45 PM
 
mean_jeannie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It was dh's will - he chased me!

He always dated latinas, I guess he'd be one of those "SWM seeks Latina for LTR . . . " if we hadn't met in the most mundane way - at work.

too funny.
mean_jeannie is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 05:55 PM
 
tuansprincess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Idaho
Posts: 1,024
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would say fate.

I'm white American and dh is Vietnamese.

I always had crushes on white boys in grade school. In high school I was always drawn to African American boys. So I figured that I would end up with chocolate! But my first week at college I met dh and after being friends for 6 mos we realized that we would rather date! 8 years, 1 marriage and 2 kids later, here we are!

Mamma to 3! nurslings Emma (4) Daniel (3) and our new baby Beth! 10/10/09
tuansprincess is offline  
Old 12-29-2008, 11:16 PM
 
USAmma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Arizona
Posts: 18,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have always been somewhat attracted to darker complected men, and had an attraction for other cultures/traditions. I guess it was natural that I married a darker man who is from a culture much different than my own. I do not necessarily set out to have a multicultural relationship, but I was very open to the idea. My dh actually pursued me rather than the other way around.

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
USAmma is offline  
Old 12-30-2008, 01:14 AM
 
ShwarmaQueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 5,520
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronique View Post
I remember when I was young I fell in love with a Mexican guy on a holiday trip.
So funny that you mention this! I met my DH on a vaca (in Europe) after a series of events made me change my original plans to the plans where I met him- if that's not FATE I don't know what is.

I call him my most expensive souvenir.

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

ShwarmaQueen is offline  
Old 12-30-2008, 03:13 AM
 
Sailor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: CA
Posts: 2,433
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Circumstance in my case. I was/am living in America, and thus got an American.

But, in a way, I also knew I would not/could not marry someone from Poland. I've spent too much time in America, and much of my own culture no longer seems like home.

I was hoping that I'd get a bonus, i.e. an America who was also European. Like me. But, instead, I got an American who was European 4 generations back, lol. I should have been more specific in my requests to the universe.

First special delivery - April 2010 :
Sailor is offline  
Old 12-30-2008, 01:02 PM
 
mags's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 3,909
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Circumstances. I'm Taiwanese American, I grew up in an all white area where it was frowned upon to date anyone who wasn't white. So, I grew up feeling rejected by white males. Strangely enough, the only two guys I ever dated were both Asian American as well. I met my DH (Korean American) in college (I met white guys who were interested in me there, but in a creepy asian fetish kind of way) and we instantly, "got" one another. I didn't have to explain why my parents were so weird or why I was anal about ppl not wearing shoes inside the house, etc.. Didn't have to explain, "weird" foods or anything like that. It was easier, for the first time in my entire life I did not have to explain myself, it's been fantastic. It has worked out well and since DH and I grew up with a similar Midwestern Asian American experience, we just understand one another. I don't know if I would have hit it off with an Asian American guy from the West Coast, since our experiences would have varied so drastically (ie: many more Asians on the West Coast, I grew up in an area where there were like four Asian families in the entire town).
mags is offline  
Old 12-30-2008, 02:19 PM
 
Miss 1928's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Roma, Italia
Posts: 438
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Fate.
Or, as DH romanticaly puts it: Destiny.

In July of 2000 I came to Rome to sing in an opera and Fabio was the rehearsal pianist. He was very kind and cute and had a very big motorcycle with which he took me on a tour of Rome. By the end of the day I was smitten. I had thought that it would have been just a summer fling, I mean, we've all heard how Italians can be, right? but he actually persued me so I came back to visit for a month in November then kept on returning for a few months at a time. We've been married now for over 5 1/2 years and our DD is 22 months old. I honestly can not believe how very different my life is now than what I thought it would have been. It's amazing some of the journeys that life takes us on, isnt' it?

-- Miss 1928 -- and Opera Singing Mamma to Eloisa -- 12 Feb 2007
-- Wife to a Wonderful Husband and Pianist -- 27 March 2003
Miss 1928 is offline  
Old 12-31-2008, 12:32 AM
 
skreader's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 681
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I dunno - maybe both?

I studied Chinese in college because I was interested in the language and culture. I went out w/ guys from different ethnic backgrounds. I didn't have a real "type".

I moved to Asia for work. I met my DH here and decided to stay. So, you could say "circumstances".

But - what led to the circumstances?

It was The Old Man in the Moon. He ties an invisible red string around the ankles of people who will marry. No matter where you are born, you're connected and the string gets shorter and shorter, pulling you together until you meet and marry.
skreader is offline  
Old 12-31-2008, 02:45 AM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Not sure if I belong here--

I always wanted to marry someone indian... And I was attracted to the fact that DH from india.

Even now-- when he speaks hindi it just melts my butter... mmmm... melted butter.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
Old 12-31-2008, 02:46 AM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by skreader View Post

But - what led to the circumstances?

It was The Old Man in the Moon. He ties an invisible red string around the ankles of people who will marry. No matter where you are born, you're connected and the string gets shorter and shorter, pulling you together until you meet and marry.
This is the cutest, sweetest thing I've ever heard. :

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 12:00 AM
 
MamaEli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 370
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It was God's Plan.

I just happened to find the perfect study abroad program, just happened to get a full scholarship to do it, just happened to have my housing assignment switched at the last minute, and just happened to live next door to my now DH. We knew almost immediately, were engaged in three months and married nine months after meeting. Here was are 10 years and three kids later.
MamaEli is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 04:01 AM
 
Aleo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 129
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Fate.
I never thought I was going to marry someone from France(or Spain as DH puts it), as studying abroad never crossed my mind. We met in a bank(thanks dad!) here in Phoenix. I felt that someone was starting at my while I was in line and there he was lol
My french... oops spaniard sweetheart, long story

Alee, mamma to Leon (2) and expecting #2 May '10 :
Aleo is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 04:20 AM
 
SamanthaJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 172
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I never really thought I would marry an Asian man although my mother says I had a fascination with Asian babies/dolls as a child. We went to college together and worked together and just kind of hit it off.
SamanthaJ is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 05:27 AM
 
Jannah6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: BROOKLYN IN THE HOUSE!!!!
Posts: 2,066
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For DH it was choice, for me it was "fate". I never considered marrying someone of another race.

ETA: We've been together for 8 1/2 years and married for 8 1/2 years. We met in April 2000 and married in June 2000

: 2:Ma To 6 :12,8,7,5,2,1&
Jannah6 is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 05:31 AM
 
Jannah6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: BROOKLYN IN THE HOUSE!!!!
Posts: 2,066
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
God's will.

I was envisioning and preparing for marriage with some sunburned, sandy-haired, plaid-shirted Mennonite farmboy, if only I could find one to marry me. Failing that, at least a semi-crunchy, back-to-basics kind of guy.

Instead I happened to meet my dh on a summer stint in Ethiopia. He's African and has *no* interest in farming.
And I'm guessing not sunburned

: 2:Ma To 6 :12,8,7,5,2,1&
Jannah6 is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 09:58 AM
 
ewe+lamb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: just journeying along .....
Posts: 2,242
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Fate, destiny, whatever definitely that for us. I've lived in Italy and Turkey but I never set out to marry someone different I just needed to go somewhere at that time, I had a turkish boyfriend, Italian boyfriends but I don't reckon I set out to marry someone from a different culture just to be different, it was just the way it was. I am Scottish dh is Algerian we met in Italy and lived there for 2 years together before moving to Scotland, and now we live in France, i knew the minute I met him that he was the one and likewise for him, my boss in italy kept telling me - you know he's not even italian - like the only reason I was in Italy was to marry an italian - it wouldn't be to sing or learn the language lol. My parents gave us hell to begin with, saying that I was marrying him for sensationalism well this year we've been married for 14 years and have known each other for 16 years, I can't imagine life without him and we have two wonderful multilingual children and I am so happy in my little family .... but I would love to move back to life in Scotland.

ewe + dh = our little lambs + we and have many just : and : life .
ewe+lamb is offline  
Old 01-01-2009, 03:15 PM
 
Alcyone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,092
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We met online through a mutual non-culture-related interest. I'd be uncomfortable using either "choice" or "fate" in describing our relationship, but I definitely wouldn't have been putting out personals specifying where my partner should come from.
Alcyone is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off