"Your kids must look just like their dad...... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 02:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
messy mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: In a van. DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
Posts: 1,492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
.....because they look nothing like you."

Thanks ignorant fool who works the register at the grocery store. You made my children and I feel wonderful!!


:


This is the second time this lady has done this. I try to avoid her line but I was in rush today and not thinking. I put my stuff on the belt and look up and see her blank confused expression. It was too late.

"Are these all your kids?" I only have 3. "Yes." Then she says what you just read above.

The first time she did this she went on to mention some of the differences my children and I have.


I just had to get that out. I'm just so mad at myself for not saying anything. I could've at least said, "That's personal" or something. Anything.

Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

Oh and if you have suggestions for something simple to say, that would be great. Everything I think of sounds really mean and I don't want to scare or embarrass my children.

Heather, mama to          
messy mama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 02:32 AM
 
Collinsky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: On a flat Earth, circled by the Sun
Posts: 2,673
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:
I really don't think some people have any sense at all... she apparently has NO "inner monologue." She needs to get a filter.

One comment, one time, and that's understandable - people are just trying to make conversation, sometimes, in situations where they're talking to a total stranger. But to comment a second time? To go into detail? In front of the children? To make you uncomfortable enough that you avoid her line? That's just too much.

Maybe just say, "Yes, they are beautiful!" with a smile. Or "They sure did get the best of both of us!"

~ Colleen ~ Joyful Unschooling Pagan mama to hearts.gifenergy.gifsuperhero.gifjog.gif and babyf.gif
"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead."
Collinsky is offline  
#3 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 03:31 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 22,544
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by messy mama View Post

Oh and if you have suggestions for something simple to say, that would be great. Everything I think of sounds really mean and I don't want to scare or embarrass my children.
I am torn on this. I might either say, earnestly, "It seems like the differences between my children and me really bother you. Am I perceiving this correctly?"

Or I'd say, "That's really inappropriate, and if you insist on making comments like this in front of my children again, I am going to talk to your manager."


OK, I wouldn't actually say the second one, I'd probably just go and ask to speak to a manager. I'd tell the manager that I don't know if she means it in a bad way, but you are concerned that some others might perceive it that way, and you just want to give them a heads up. Although, I don't know, then they might actually fire her if they were looking for a reason, and I wouldn't want it to come to that.

You could also just smile and say something like, "Oh they have hair kind of like his, but their eyes are more like my side of the family" or something along those lines.
Viola is offline  
#4 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 03:36 AM
 
rhiandmoi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: San Jose CA
Posts: 1,524
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
"OMG THESE ARE THE WRONG KIDS!!!! WHERE ARE MY KIDS!!!!"

Or tell the manager that she is making inappropriate personal comments.
rhiandmoi is offline  
#5 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 09:14 AM
 
Turkish Kate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Body in Jax FL, Heart in Istanbul
Posts: 1,612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
BTDT in a similar situation and I talked to the customer service manager.
Turkish Kate is offline  
#6 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
messy mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: In a van. DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
Posts: 1,492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks guys! I feel much better today.

I like the ideas you guys have on what to say. I think I'll say something like, "I think it makes my kids feel bad when you say that."

I realize she is not being cruel, she's just trying to make friendly conversation, I guess. Although everybody else manages to do that w/o making ignorant comments.

Maybe it makes me feel bad because, for the most part, it's true. I should be happy, my kids are way cuter than when I was a kid.

Heather, mama to          
messy mama is offline  
#7 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 02:07 PM
 
honeybunmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,750
Mentioned: 7 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 20 Post(s)
In that situation (quite often) I say, "Yes, that's his giant 8-head [twice the size of a forhead, LOL!] and that is his skin tone, but those are my eyes, my smile and my mouth. I know the skin tone alone can throw you off."

Mama to add 10/05; ds 3/09, and two angels
honeybunmom is online now  
#8 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 02:34 PM
 
kkeake's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 91
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are white and have two biological daughters and a son adopted from Ethiopia. My older daughter and son are both 5. We were in the store the other day and the clerk asked them, "Oh, you're having a slumber party tonight, huh?" We were all completely confused. I said, "What?" She said, "Oh, he's sleeping over tonight, huh?" I said, "They're brother and sister." She started stammering apologies, was completely embarrassed. I actually felt bad for her, since she was just trying to be nice and make small talk.

Sometimes I think people are being really rude, but sometimes I think they are just trying to be chatty and not thinking. It's frustrating either way though, because it constantly puts my kids in the position of having their relationship questioned as abnormal.
kkeake is offline  
#9 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
messy mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: In a van. DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
Posts: 1,492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybunmom View Post
In that situation (quite often) I say, "Yes, that's his giant 8-head [twice the size of a forhead, LOL!] and that is his skin tone, but those are my eyes, my smile and my mouth. I know the skin tone alone can throw you off."
8-head!! : Except that's one of the few things my kids have that actually came from me!! I have a huuuuge forehead. Well it's not so bad now, but man my baby picture were scary.

Heather, mama to          
messy mama is offline  
#10 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 05:09 PM
 
MittensKittens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 2,960
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I get that too, since my kids have blonde hair and I am dark. It makes me feel bad when people say they must look like their dad, because I am a SMC and used a donor . It really got to me when I went shopping with a blonde friend last month that someone at the mall kept talking to her about how cute her kids were! I like the "these are the wrong kids" approach

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
MittensKittens is offline  
#11 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 05:39 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiandmoi View Post
"OMG THESE ARE THE WRONG KIDS!!!! WHERE ARE MY KIDS!!!!"
Please do this and report back!

No experience here as a mom... but I constantly was told that I didn't look like anyone in my family. I'm indian, but my eyes are green, and my skin is pale. My cousins constantly (to this day) make fun of me and tell me that I'm 'white'. I developed quite a complex as a kid.

I really liked the responses where you point out the similarities between you and your DC. I wish my mom had done that a little more. It probably means more to them than you know.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#12 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 07:32 PM
 
yitlan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: NM
Posts: 1,988
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As a biracial kid who did not look like her mom, I can tell you this won't be the last time. Most of the time, we assumed people were ignorant and we just didn't give much heed to stranger's opinions. Most days, you can handle it. Some days, you get bugged. I also came to realize people are curious. And that's OK. That's how they learn about all the variations out there! Don't we usually look at ANY family and try to figure out who the kids look like? With us, instead of subtle similarities in cheekbones, ears, etc, we have bigger similarities and differences in more obvious characterisitics (hair color, eye color, skin color). People will always see these first and make assumptions.

I have a red headed daughter. Any time I go out with her, I get questions and comments. ALL THE TIME. "Where did she get the red hair?!" Sometimes I want to answer "the milk man." Sometimes I get bugged taking time out to answer. "Must the the Irish." We actually have no irish in our family! But saying "she's actually part chinese" just prolongs things! I think it's just primal human nature to try to figure out where a kid "belongs" or something?

"Yes, their dad is beautiful, too. That's why I married him." If you've got a traditional family, this one works.
"I think they look a lot like me." How can he argue with what you think?
"Actually, they look like _____" Really doesn't matter what you fill in here.

Whatever you say, wink at your kids and let them talk about it with you later.

Zia+Lane+Sonora=Mi Vida Loca! :
yitlan is offline  
#13 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 09:20 PM
 
angelachristin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: manifesting us back to california
Posts: 885
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yitlan View Post
"I think they look a lot like me." How can he argue with what you think?
"Actually, they look like _____" Really doesn't matter what you fill in here.

Whatever you say, wink at your kids and let them talk about it with you later.
I have tried that one...saying, "NO, I think he looks a lot like me," and they will just argue with me, amazingly--"No sweetie, that baby doesn't look a THING like you, trust me, he's allllllllllllllll his daddy."

Mama to 2 sweet gorgeous children, a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD.
angelachristin is offline  
#14 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 09:27 PM
 
Keria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Far far away
Posts: 1,198
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A little OT, but i have an uncle who thinks he's really funny, and when me meets a couple with a kid he says that kid is the spitting image of his/her dad, then he asks the mom where is he btw is he sick or something why didnt he come or something like that, it was funny the first 10 times i heard it.

Mommy to our Twin Miracles babygirl.gifbabyboy.gif born on 29/1/12

Keria is offline  
#15 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 09:51 PM
 
momoftworedheads's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,212
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband used to get this all the time with my older 2. My older 2 children and I all have red hair, freckles and really pale skin. My Dh has dark hair, dark skin and they look nothing like him. He used to get upset all of the times in stores, and at the park because people would say rude things like that to him.

I wish I would have had all of those good things to tell him to say!

Take care!!
Jen

Jen, mama to  (M-13, N- 10, C- 8 rainbow1284.gif J- 3.5, and rainbow1284.gifJ -2, angel3.gifA (10/4/07) and 3 early losses)
We are expecting baby #7 in November 2013

momoftworedheads is offline  
#16 of 22 Old 02-04-2009, 10:20 PM
 
BookGoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Gryffindor Tower at Hogwarts
Posts: 6,266
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm sorry that happened. Some people just don't know what to say. Sometimes silence or a glare works well. You don't have to say something in response. In the alternative, talk to the manager as others have suggested.

Such comments happen to my brother. His daughter looks like nothing like him. Her resemblance to her mother is remarkable. And of course people make thoughtless comments. A few times, my bro, SIL, niece, and my bro's best friend were out and people thought my niece was the daughter of my SIL and my bro's good friend. That's become a family joke now. When Brian comes over they say, "Sweetie, here comes your other daddy."


Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiandmoi View Post
"OMG THESE ARE THE WRONG KIDS!!!! WHERE ARE MY KIDS!!!!"
:

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
BookGoddess is offline  
#17 of 22 Old 02-05-2009, 12:58 AM
 
Swan3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 703
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by messy mama View Post
Oh and if you have suggestions for something simple to say, that would be great. Everything I think of sounds really mean and I don't want to scare or embarrass my children.
My response would probably be to laugh it off as if it's the craziest thing you've ever heard and say "oh really? What should they look like?" Or "I know they're my kids and that's what matters."

Sheesh. How RUDE!
Swan3 is offline  
#18 of 22 Old 02-05-2009, 01:47 AM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
next time, try this. ask to speak with her manager before you pay. tell the manager exactly how the cashier has offended you and say, because of this, i am not purchasing these items from your establishment and leave. i think that sends a clear enough message.

Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#19 of 22 Old 02-05-2009, 02:07 AM
 
Collinsky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: On a flat Earth, circled by the Sun
Posts: 2,673
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If they are your bio kids, you could loudly reply, "They came out of my vagina just the same!" mentioning anatomy will probably get her scrambling to avoid YOU in the store.

In all seriousness though, you could just calmly tell her it bothers you, and why. It sounds like she's just ignorant, not trying to be offensive. I'd prefer to educate someone than possibly get them fired (unless she is actually being rude/hateful.)

~ Colleen ~ Joyful Unschooling Pagan mama to hearts.gifenergy.gifsuperhero.gifjog.gif and babyf.gif
"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead."
Collinsky is offline  
#20 of 22 Old 02-05-2009, 01:26 PM
 
cheerma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: California
Posts: 70
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm black, DH is white. Our adopted daughter it white. People tend to think I'm the nanny/babysitter. It's hard to tell when people are just curious or trying to make small talk. So I try not to fly off the handle about ignorant people. But, if I can tell they are just being rude, I tend to give a long, cold, stare and say something like "I don't think this child is any of your business." DH is much less forgiving. He's given a few loud and clear "F*** you, lady! Mind your own f***ing business." Or sometimes white people will stare at me and give me this nasty look like I've "stolen" one of their precious Caucasian children. As if I have no right to my daughter. That's when DH says "What the f*** are you looking at?!" The strange thing is, he was so mild mannered before we got DD. Now he has no impulse control when he thinks we're experiencing racism. It's actually kind of embarrassing when he goes off like that. I like that he doesn't keep his mouth shut, but I'm trying to teach him a little more discretion.

Married 2002. Adopted 1 DD. Planning in vitro for 2012 due to low egg reserve.
Me 30 WAHM, DH 58 SAHD (5 adult children from ex #1).
DD dob 5/13/07 came home 2007, 5 months old via foster care. Adopted 2009, almost 3 years old.
DD is high functioning autistic. She keeps us laughing and exhausted!
cheerma is offline  
#21 of 22 Old 02-05-2009, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
messy mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: In a van. DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!
Posts: 1,492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
These are such great ideas. I think I have to go with the vagina one. I'm pretty sure I'd have to pick my 10 y/o DS up off of the floor though.

Thanks so much for sharing all the ideas and stories.

Heather, mama to          
messy mama is offline  
#22 of 22 Old 02-05-2009, 05:28 PM
 
sunshynbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,240
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm trying to think of something clever to say... maybe something like, "Actually, they are the spitting image of my Aunt Martha."

Sometimes people just don't think before they speak. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but I think that might change after my baby is born and we start to get these types of comments.

Happily married mom to DS (Aug 09) and two furry troublemakers.

sunshynbaby is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off