DH putting down my country - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 35 Old 02-24-2009, 12:45 AM
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ell, I'm Canadian and haven't a clue what are these references some of you are making about bridges! ? I actually love our winters and find it a very multi-cultural country - at least where I live! And for the record, being a 10th generation Canadian - I hate "instant breakfast and granola bars". I wouldn't consider those Canadian foods - but rather packaged garbage!

But to the OP - your husband is certainly not representative of Canadians. He is an individual and with his bashing mean comments - I'd say it is a power tool. An immature way of dealing with frustration, anger and trying to control a situation. Just based on what you're saying. I'd try to get him to discuss your issues in a calm fashion and make these comments about each other's countries - a no-go area. Try to verbally draw a boundary I guess and refuse to speak with him etc. if he is dealing out these comments?

Good luck - these issues sound complicated.
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#32 of 35 Old 02-24-2009, 01:12 AM - Thread Starter
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Honestly, I have let it go a lot, a lot, that sunday and the communist thing was a last straw kind of thing, since then he has not made a negative comment about Venezuela, maybe he stills thinks them but at least he's not saying them to me, the other times he said something I would made a comment half kidding on how that wasn't right or how closed minded or racist he is, I thought he would get a hint, but since that didn't happened I told him those things hurt my feelings when he says them and that finally seemed to work.

I'm not saying those things are canadian food, he justs takes them when traveling because he thinks he won't like the food anywhere he goes, he said he had to live on those when he went to mexico because the food was so bad .

The bridges thing when I was there, they were building this new bridge and its most important feature was the suicide barrier, I was surprised by it, and Dh was the one that explained that is because people jump off so much, actually there were a few times that we two stuck in traffic because someone had jumped and they closed some of the roads, and that was in spring-summer.

Also I do not think Canada is sad and boring thats just what went though my mind when he was bad mouthing my country, I did get the "blues" form time to time something that had never happened to me here, but that had more to do with being away from my friends and family.

Mommy to our Twin Miracles babygirl.gifbabyboy.gif born on 29/1/12

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#33 of 35 Old 02-24-2009, 04:53 PM
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Louise I'm sad your husband has made such comments. (My DH and I have our issues too so I'm certainly not casting stones at your DH!) I can imagine if I moved to another country and missed my home and then my partner was making such remarks - very upsetting.

I just wonder if these comments ... it's more a symptom of something deeper. I mean if this target was not available (you being from another country) would he choose something else to attack or ridicule? I'm sorry - I only read the posts here - I haven't met your DH - but his comments reminds me of a few other men I've encountered in my life. They seem to not be able to function outside of a narrow comfort zone. Foreign food, culture, people - all are seen as threatening. I'm not sure if your husband falls into this sort of personality?

My only advice is to do what I try to do with my DH (and my explosive 5 y/o DS), look beyond the words and see what is underlying. Ask him and tell him. (Sorry, if you've done this already!) It's unacceptable that he make such negative comments and why? Perhaps he wont' be able to articulate to you but it might help him examine his own mindset?

One thing I see in my own personality, my DH's and my little boys - fear and anxiety often mask themselves. I wonder if you husband is just afraid of the unknown. Instead of expressing out right fear and anxiousness - he masks it with these negative comments? It sounds like he is afraid of change and something new?

Good luck with this situation. I wish I could help. It sounds familiar - similar to issues I've seen in other households yet very hard to fix quickly.
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#34 of 35 Old 02-24-2009, 11:52 PM
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Louise, I find your husband's attitude toward your home country extremely chauvinistic and you have every right to be upset and to demand that he stop.

My husband is British and but we live here in the U.S. Generally, I have no problem with his criticisms; I, too, am critical of many aspects of life in the U.S. But recently he was seriously bashing my hometown, Detroit, where we live. To make a point, I said, "God, Newcastle [his hometown] is such a sh*&hole! Who would ever want to live there?!" I don't think he got how his criticisms were too personal until I said that, and then he apologized. Since then, he's actually praised Detroit a bit.

I'm tempted to say that all this will change if your dh moves to Venezuela; how could he possibly live with his preconceptions when he is actually living there? But having lived abroad for a number of years, I knew people who were really ignorant and critical of the country where I lived (Taiwan). So I guess what I'm saying is, it's important that you reach and understanding and let him know that in no uncertain terms may he say ignorant, offensive things about your home.

Your situation has reminded me of a David Sedaris book, "Me Talk Pretty One Day." It is a (hilarious) series of essays on his moving to France from the U.S. and his thoughts and experiences there. One thing that he said that I *so* related to from traveling abroad as a very young woman (19) was the realization that America (substitute Canada in your dh's case) is not number one, that other countries are patriotic, too, or as, David Sedaris writes (paraphrased), "other countries have mottos, too, none of which are, 'We are number 2.'" The book is riotously funny and maybe reading it would be a way for your husband to realize his ignorance and begin to be more open-minded...?

Mama to a beautiful girl since May 2007 and a beautiful boy since August 2010! :
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#35 of 35 Old 02-24-2009, 11:54 PM
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My Ex Husband (Us American) would pull stuff like that with me, non stop. (I am German)

But then he also was an abusive piece of UA Violation. And in the mind of an abuser ANYTHING goes to put you down-whether is your height, hair colour or origin.

Even the day of the divorce he tried to tell me "no wonder nobody trusts you, nobody trusts an East German"....

There was a lot of stuff I listened to in 5 years.

DH and I certainly disagree (I am a Euro loudmouth) on things- but never to the point of hurting each other because of our passports. That's ridiculous.
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