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Old 07-07-2009, 05:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, My fiancee and I have been together 8 years, I have a 9 year old son who he has unofficially adopted. Together we have a 6 year old and almost 2 year old. We are getting married in 2 weeks in his country in south america. We are having a hindu wedding. I have no immediate family. My mother was murdered when I was 6. I lived with my father, who for whatever reason kept me from my moms family. I only saw them here and there, every few years. They were always good to me. But, they are diffrent. They are well educated, white bread types who are loaded. DF's family is very nice and has always treated me like one of their own. His mom, means well, but.. shes ghetto fabulous. We were talking about having a little reception party when we come back to the US. If I tell his mom about this, it will be her countrys music, food, loud crazyness. I cannot imagine mixing the two sets of familys. I dont think anyone will be comfortable. I dont know what to do. All I want to do is cry. DF got mad at me this morning about it and admitted he dosent even want to have a party. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
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Old 07-08-2009, 01:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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40 reads and nobody says anything?
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Old 07-08-2009, 02:51 AM
 
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Well, I wasn't going to respond either but since nobody else has...

Why do you equate South American and loud music with ghetto and uneducated? To me it seems as if you've placed your family on a pedestal and are afraid your in-laws won't measure up. That says more about your self-image than anything else. Try focusing on the love shown to you by your in-laws and don't allow yourself to put them down. Those who love you will accept them because thy're kind to you.

FWIW, my in-laws barely finished high school and my parents have a Masters and a PhD. They also have huge cultural differences including a language barrier. But none of that has stopped them from getting along very well. And I'm in a place in life right now where I consider my in-laws to be my wisest influence.

Try to see past the stereotypes you're using to classify everyone in your life.

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Old 07-08-2009, 04:01 AM
 
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my families are different just like yours. husband's is loud and big, mine is small and quiet, but they do get along very well!!!! i think you should give them a chance! i had a lot of worries too, but it all came together amazingly well. cograts on the upcoming wedding!!!
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Old 07-08-2009, 04:57 AM
 
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I'm a little bit confused about who all the players in this scenario are (is DF fiance or your father,) but whoever is on first or whom is on second, just relax.

Seriosly what is the worst that can happen: Everybody has a lousy evening. X side of the family goes home talking about how the Y side has no taste, while the Y side complain that the X side are a bunch of snobs. They never bother to get together again. One frustrating night and it's over.

However, there is a good chance that everyone will have a good time. I might strengthen family bonds for everyone. Your children will get to know the clans they come from.

The possible rewards of having a nice reception seem worth the slight risk of one lousy night. Just keep stuff reasonably low key and don't blow the budget trying to impress everyone (which I would reccomemd to anyone) and focus on having fun.

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Old 07-08-2009, 01:24 PM
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Kinda reminds me of the movie "My Big Fat Gree Wedding." But anyway....

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If I tell his mom about this, it will be her countrys music, food, loud crazyness.
Why? Isn't it your reception? Is your MIL organizing it? If so, perhaps you can just tell her that you would like to organize it yourself, and then you can be in control of the music and activities?

I would just relax, as other posters have said. It's a PARTY. In YOUR honor. You should be having FUN, not worrying about other people's hangups. Have the party YOU want. Maybe do something more casual? What about something like a beach party, or a BBQ-style party (even potluck--which would ensure that everyone would have at least something they like to eat), put on some rock n roll (or whatever music you like), and just let everyone kinda do their own thing (just getting together for various toasts, or a little encouraged mingling, but allowing them to back off if it becomes uncomfortable)?

If it's important to you to have a reception with both families, just do it your way, and maybe go for low-key, casual, and creative?

Even if it doesn't work out, it's only one night, right?

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DF got mad at me this morning about it and admitted he dosent even want to have a party
Honestly--and I know this is NOT what you intended--the way you have described the families in your post sounds--quite frankly--a little snobbish. Again, I know that is NOT what you meant, but it does come off that way. If you phrasing things in the same way to your DF, perhaps he was offended by the implication that your family is "better" than his? Again, I realize you are not really saying this, but people can be very sensitive to things like that, and maybe that is the way he is interpreting your concerns about the families getting together?

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Old 07-08-2009, 04:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EVC View Post
Honestly--and I know this is NOT what you intended--the way you have described the families in your post sounds--quite frankly--a little snobbish. Again, I know that is NOT what you meant, but it does come off that way. If you phrasing things in the same way to your DF, perhaps he was offended by the implication that your family is "better" than his? Again, I realize you are not really saying this, but people can be very sensitive to things like that, and maybe that is the way he is interpreting your concerns about the families getting together?
I certainly took offense at her characterization of South American culture as "ghetto" and uneducated.

OP, if you had come here saying "my MIL wants to take over my party," you would have gotten a lot of sympathy from me. It's the characterization of your fiancée's family as somehow less "nice" that bugs me.

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Old 07-13-2009, 12:05 PM
 
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I think that having Ghetto Fabulous family definately isn't contingent upon their race, but I didn't get from the poster that she was making that connection either. She was mentioning a few things. First of all that she is multi-cultural. Secondly that her father or fiancee (I'm confused what DF means, too) has a different take on things (also unclear). And Thirdly, there there is some Ghetto Fabulousness...loud craziness, etc.

Listen, my dh's family is half Morocain-Israeli and half Israeli-Israeli (going back over 17 generations). The steriotype here is that the Morocains are loud and whatever, but with his family, I've found it is totally the opposite. His Morrocain family is totally quiet and tame compared to the Israeli-Israeli side, w ho are totally ghetto fabulous...outrageous, loud, crazy. And it has nothign to do with race or ethnicity and everything to do with crazy, outrageous family. All that being said, there are different sides and it seems that one doesn't function well with the other, not only because of their differences, but because of the steriotypes that one group has about the other (its funny to hear the loud Israeli-Israeli side talk about the loud, ghetto Morrocains when it is so CLEARLY the opposite of what they are saying. Well, funny and sad. But I digress...) So, basically, I acknowledge that steriotypes DO end up playing a role in these things, even if you are coming at it from another angle (the one I just mentioned...pot calling the kettle black, so to speak).

All that being said, I realize the need to share happiness with family. But when family is so drastically different, I think that YOU have to set the tone. Like, YOU pick a location. YOU lay down the ground rules. If you want to make sure the loud boisterous family keeps it tame, then hold a reception at a Hindu house of prayer (or whatever it is that speaks to you, even a Church or something) where the rules of decorum are clearly laid down. You could do a prayer and then have some cake and coffee in the Church (etc...) hall or outside in the yard in front. That will keep things very tame and controlled.

Furthermore, have a very clear order to how everything will progress. Pass out one page fliers to everyone saying:
10am-10:30am: blessing
10:30am-11:00am: cake and coffee
11am-noon: Open gifts/Give toasts
Noon-12:30am: Sign guestbook and goodbyes

Or something like this. Keeping things very focused and very short will help to keep things going the way you want them. Remember that this is YOUR special time to introduce yourselves as a family to your families and YOU are in control of the party. PLaying soft classical music in the background might encourage very loud family (likely to break into belly dancing or something of a strip tease in soem of my extended family ) to be relaxed and not let the party get out of control.

Good luck and have very happy and meaningful nuputuals.

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Old 07-16-2009, 03:19 AM
 
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Maybe the white people would LOVE an excuse to indulge in some ghetto fabulousness for awhile. Really.

I agree with everyone- it's one night. Worst that can happen, everyone's miserable but they have memories of crazy in-laws to last a lifetime. Best that can happen, someone falls in love at your wedding, a white guy dances the samba, and the DJ speaks Portugese or Spanish (whichever one nobody in the entire group would understand) and keeps making jokes that only he laughs at.

Man. I'd LOVE to be invited to a wedding like that. It might seem mortifying to you, but probably they'd enjoy it more than you think. After all, what's better than a drunk south American grandmother trying to drag a handsome white-bread teenager on to the dance floor? (Not that she'd be drunk because of her nationality / ancestry, I just mean drunk because of the wedding.)

I'd pay for the wedding just to get a picture the look on his face.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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