Has anyone adopted their DPs community as their own? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 12 Old 03-10-2010, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So we're at a transitional phase here, and want to 'grow a community' for our kids. DH's Asian community/temple is very close to our home, and it would be convenient to attach to that one given the proximity. My community/temple is a 30 min trek away, and more split into people from far away suburbs. We're really want to choose one community to 'go deep' if that makes any sense, instead of spreading ourselves out over several.

I have some reservations as I don't know how accepting people would be of me, and that I have no real background in DH's Japanese culture.

Anyone adopted their DHs communities? What were your experiences?
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#2 of 12 Old 03-10-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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I always tell people being half Mexican American half German born in the States, I had to be adopted by the Lebanese to finally fit in. DH's family has totally accepted me. That being said,we don't really hang out with a lot of Lebanese besides his family. On the long run I've realised we are most comfortable with people who are mixed like I am or mixed couples.
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#3 of 12 Old 03-10-2010, 05:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would LOVE to meet other mixed couples...where to find them, with the idea of becoming friends, is the question...
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#4 of 12 Old 03-17-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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I dont know how much help this will really be to you since I have no idea where you live! But I can give you our experience, and DH's, if you like

My DH is mixed, English/Italian/Japanese. He spent some time growing up in Japan, and it was a bit rough on him. He was teased quite a bit for being mixed, and called 'gaijin' a lot. Its made him very hesitant to reach out to the Japanese community here in Utah.

That being said, I've encouraged him to do so many many times. The community here is really warm and open and nice. I am not japanese, but one of my best friends growing up was half japanese, and one of my goods friends now is also half japanese. They are both very invovled in the community here, and I've been exposed to it through them. Everyone is super nice, and accepting to everyone, whether you are mixed, or not even japanese at all. DH is slowly getting there, I think.

I really hope he eventually gets more invovled, for our DS.

Mama to Xavian, born 11-24-09
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#5 of 12 Old 03-17-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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In my experience, making an effort gets you a long way. I'm your typical blond/blue-eyed gal, but have been thoroughly adopted as a Latina for several years, in several different groups (family, social circles, professional circles, etc.). We've often joked that I'm more "Latin" than my Venezuelan-born husband (and he's the first to agree)! Granted, the Hispanic community is very different than the Asian community, but even there I've found that putting yourself out there and trying to fit in (without compromising who you are) is almost always well-received.

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#6 of 12 Old 04-12-2010, 12:21 AM
 
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I'm Dutch, raised in Canada. Long before I married my (Korean) Shenomad, people I met (in Canada) from the Korean community were inviting me to their church/community events, just on the basis of my speaking Korean. To misquote Groucho Marx, I would hope to be welcomed by those communities that want to have me.

Dad to toddler, dad-to-be to another.

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#7 of 12 Old 04-14-2010, 10:20 PM
 
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I really think if you speak the language, even just a bit it really makes a difference. My Arabic is far from perfect but I can usually follow the conversation. If someone does not speak any English, only Arabic I can carry on a rudimentary conversation. I know my husband’s family appreciates this.
I also love the food so it is a pleasure to learn to cook Lebanese dishes
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#8 of 12 Old 04-15-2010, 02:12 AM
 
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I just posted a thread on something similar, but I will answer here too. In short, yes, I adopted DH's culture friends as my own... and I regret it every single day! I dont know about the different characteristics of any other cultures, or if what Im experiencing is even par for the course with DH's culture, but I am so not use to the intrusiveness and negativity that came along with being involved with them. We've got a close group of about 50 (and by close I mean, we are friends with everyone and they pretty much all seem to hate each other, but still claim to be friends) and we know about 150 people from DH's home country. Its never a dull moment... its also never a happy moment. Just one negative disaster after another. I can barely keep up with all the gossip, backstabbing, manipulation, infidelity, drug use, jealousy... I could go on forever. So, if you do decide to jump into DH's cultural group, just make sure you let your boundaries known from the start (not that it would have helped me), but I always think its a good idea! Hopefully you will have a way more positive experience than I'm having!

Lauren , DH , DD 02/2007 and expecting #2 (12/7/10)! We
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#9 of 12 Old 04-19-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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Bebegim, that's awful!

I guess all you can do is rise above by refusing to gossip, or to listen to gossip. Maybe your example will serve as a signal to like-minded (but fearful) others. The other thing you could try is expanding your circle outside this poisonous group.

I wish you good luck!

Dad to toddler, dad-to-be to another.

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#10 of 12 Old 04-21-2010, 12:49 AM
 
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OP, since you mentioned temple/community center, I am wondering if the communities are reliously based. If so, do you and DH share the same religion? Would connecting with more people from your faith be a good way to meet others like yourself? My DH and I are from different cultures but the same religion so we end up meeting a lot of other intercultural couples like us from religous functions.
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#11 of 12 Old 04-21-2010, 02:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OP here - DH and my cultures are actually hybrids based on immigration and ethnicity, and quite dispersed. We've decided to make both of our religious backgrounds our 'adopted' cultures (I know, confusing )

We don't share a religion, but are very open - unitarian in beliefs. I forgot to update that we've been to his cultural temple twice now and I felt quite welcomed, although there is no. one. else. who looks like me It doesn't seem to matter. Treading softly and seeing where it will lead. Positive so far
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#12 of 12 Old 04-21-2010, 03:53 PM
 
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That is good to know Cascadian, that you were welcomed.
Becoming involved in a culture that is not you own can be a very positive experience.It has been for me in anycase. And I do not feel like I have lost myself. I am sure it helps that both DH and I also "hybrids" so we both don't fit in 100% in our own cultures to begin with.

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Originally Posted by Cascadian View Post
OP here - DH and my cultures are actually hybrids based on immigration and ethnicity, and quite dispersed. We've decided to make both of our religious backgrounds our 'adopted' cultures (I know, confusing )

We don't share a religion, but are very open - unitarian in beliefs. I forgot to update that we've been to his cultural temple twice now and I felt quite welcomed, although there is no. one. else. who looks like me It doesn't seem to matter. Treading softly and seeing where it will lead. Positive so far
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