Q: Where did you get your baby from? A: My vagina. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-09-2010, 02:30 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bea View Post
and honestly that's where she came from. If I live in NYC and have a visitor from NJ, I don't say the came from the Holland Tunnel...that was just a point on their route here.

I would have responded with "from my uterus" if asked something that rude.
Irishmommy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-10-2010, 11:39 AM
 
tnmom66's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by WTHamI? View Post
I'm actually going to disagree with the majority here. Is it a rude thing to ask? Sure. But the people who ask it are not meaning to be rude. Your response, on the other hand, is intentionally rude. I'll admit that I incline towards the flip, witty (and yes, rude) retort, but I'm also learning that while it may make ME feel better, it also usually makes the other person (who probably didn't realize their question was rude when it came out of their mouth) feel horrible, and my response could have been better used to gently and kindly educate rather than embarrass.

I actually think just saying (in a friendly way) that she's your biological daughter and is half filipino (no need to go into any more detail) would both satisfy their curiosity and also help them realize that just because a child looks different from her mother does not mean they are not biologically related. People are going to be more willing to see things a different way if they don't feel belittled. Just my 2 cents as I myself strive to take a gentler approach with people.
I agree with this. I take interest in people, even strangers, and I am a very loving, caring person. I like the snappy and accurate retort, but I don't think I'd be offended by the question if I was asked it. And I wonder why some people are so defensive when people show an interest in them? I guess it is just a difference in personalities. Some people consider things "private" that other people wouldn't. We should all try to be patient and understanding with each other, I think.

Personally, I think if a person is curious, I had rather they ask than speculate. I'm sure your child has an exotic beauty and the person asked was just wondering about the ethnic background.

My daughter looks NOTHING like me, and one playground momma friend I hadn't seen for a while thought she was adopted. I'd never be offended for people to ask about her father.
tnmom66 is offline  
Old 05-10-2010, 01:36 PM
 
Eclipsepearl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My blond girlfriend points to her belly and says "from my womb" when people ask about her children from her Japanese-American husband.

It makes the same point a bit more playfully. The "womb" word is kind of outdated, which sends the message that the question was IYSWIM.
Eclipsepearl is offline  
Old 06-11-2010, 02:42 PM
 
heatherdeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
Posts: 4,831
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fay View Post
I think if people are going to ask a question like that, they need to be ready for the correct answer!


Quote:
Originally Posted by WTHamI? View Post
I'm actually going to disagree with the majority here. Is it a rude thing to ask? Sure. But the people who ask it are not meaning to be rude. Your response, on the other hand, is intentionally rude. I'll admit that I incline towards the flip, witty (and yes, rude) retort, but I'm also learning that while it may make ME feel better, it also usually makes the other person (who probably didn't realize their question was rude when it came out of their mouth) feel horrible, and my response could have been better used to gently and kindly educate rather than embarrass.
While I see your point, and agree that most people don't INTEND to be rude... my experience and the length of time dealing with this issue (with my obviously Hispanic adopted daughter) has made me MORE inclined to be snarky in response vs. trying to take on the task of handling everyone with kid gloves and/or attempting to educate them out of their ignorance. It gets old.



Quote:
Originally Posted by WTHamI? View Post
I actually think just saying (in a friendly way) that she's your biological daughter and is half filipino (no need to go into any more detail) would both satisfy their curiosity and also help them realize that just because a child looks different from her mother does not mean they are not biologically related. People are going to be more willing to see things a different way if they don't feel belittled. Just my 2 cents as I myself strive to take a gentler approach with people.
This hasn't been my experience. My attempts to be more gentle and give them an answer similar to what you're suggesting only results in more probing (and equally rude) subsequent questions... and maybe this is why I've leaned toward the more snarky responses.

I hate that people assume I adopted my daughter from another country. She was born right here in my state and adopted through the foster care system (she was a SafeHaven baby). When people ask me where I got her (yeah--more than once) or where she's from, I say (name of town she was born in) and more than once people have responded with "REALLY?!?!?" Ummmm... yeah--REALLY!

But, since I love to see people squirm in their own ignorance, I'm SO switching over to the "Why do you ask...?" response for a while! LOVE it!

Heather - Wife , Mommy  & Health & Wellness Educator, Speaker & Consultant 
 
Dairy, soy & corn free with limited gluten... yes, really. And journeying towards peace.  Blogging about both.
 
Let me guide you to find the food and lifestyle choices...
heatherdeg is offline  
Old 06-11-2010, 06:49 PM
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 807
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Heatherdeg, I feel the same way. We haven't adopted yet, but we get the question, "where is he from?" or "where did you get him?"

Like you, it bothers me because he's not from anywhere else; he's from here.

When people ask where he's from, they're assuming an international adoption because of our racial differences and some even comment about "how dark he is" and followup with questions about where his birth mother is from...

When they say, "where is he from?" I hear, "why is that child with you? You don't look like a family to me. I demand an explanation!"

And it also bothers me because we didn't "get" him. There's no baby store where adoptive parents go and choose their children. We were matched with our foster son because of many things:
we were licensed for his age group,
we live nearby his siblings who are also in fostercare,
we want to adopt and his case workers think reunification with birthmom is unlikely,
we were open to all races of children,
etc etc etc

Personally, I prefer when people simply say something like, "did you adopt him?" or "are you biologically related?"
Those questions don't come with quite so many assumptions.
marsupial-mom is offline  
Old 06-12-2010, 03:46 AM
 
youngspiritmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Home :)
Posts: 494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Personally I love your answer. LOVE IT.

However I would say that people might be a little shocked by it, so you could tone it down a bit - ie) My Womb, God/etc, or dont engage such an ignorant question and maybe ask them: Well, where did you get yours??

Congrats on your baby and on being such an awesome Mama

Mothering my sweet preschool boy luxlove.gif and my new arrival bfinfant.gif

youngspiritmom is offline  
Old 06-12-2010, 04:07 AM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,484
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
holy buckets! people would actually ask 'where did you get him from?' like they are asking about whether your pants are from kohls or the gap?? I can understand a somewhat less insulting question like 'Did you adopt him?' which is still pretty annoying because who cares? but... where did you get him from?! thats just such a STRANGE way to word that type of question.

I'd probably respond the same way.
treeoflife3 is offline  
Old 06-16-2010, 06:39 PM
 
heatherdeg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Everywhere... thanks, technology!
Posts: 4,831
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by marsupial-mom View Post
Heatherdeg, I feel the same way. We haven't adopted yet, but we get the question, "where is he from?" or "where did you get him?"

Like you, it bothers me because he's not from anywhere else; he's from here.

When people ask where he's from, they're assuming an international adoption because of our racial differences and some even comment about "how dark he is" and followup with questions about where his birth mother is from...

When they say, "where is he from?" I hear, "why is that child with you? You don't look like a family to me. I demand an explanation!"

And it also bothers me because we didn't "get" him. There's no baby store where adoptive parents go and choose their children. We were matched with our foster son because of many things:
we were licensed for his age group,
we live nearby his siblings who are also in fostercare,
we want to adopt and his case workers think reunification with birthmom is unlikely,
we were open to all races of children,
etc etc etc

Personally, I prefer when people simply say something like, "did you adopt him?" or "are you biologically related?"
Those questions don't come with quite so many assumptions.
YES!!! THIS!!! Although I don't feel like they're saying "you don't look like a family to me" as much as I feel the whole "that child is clearly not biologically yours" and for whatever reason, I feel like they think that I don't feel the same about her as I would (and do) feel about my bio son. They've actually come out and said so, too... asking how I deal with it.

My daughter is very obviously Hispanic to the rest of our lily-white Caucasian. In my state, the CPS system has a separate adoptive unit for children whose goal is no longer RU--and she came to us through that unit (vs. foster care that went adoptive because the bps couldn't work their plan).

And when I tell them that she was born here and we get to the topic of her being adopted, it's always "Where was the mother/parents from?" Ya know... 'cause there ARE no Hispanic people in the US--right? I usually say "Well, since she was born in (town), I suspect they lived in (town)".

Heather - Wife , Mommy  & Health & Wellness Educator, Speaker & Consultant 
 
Dairy, soy & corn free with limited gluten... yes, really. And journeying towards peace.  Blogging about both.
 
Let me guide you to find the food and lifestyle choices...
heatherdeg is offline  
Old 06-22-2010, 07:32 PM
 
That Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 16
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
While I think that's hilarious



I do agree with this. I totally understand the desire to snark back at a dumb question. But while I really, really want to do that sometimes, it's not really the person I want to be, so I don't.

I think "She's my biological daughter, why do you ask?" is just as effective in letting a person know their question was inappropriate. Normal, well-meaning people would take the social cue easily. Tempting as it may be, IMO it's unnecessary to escalate an interaction with a deliberate "shocker" type thing and the intention to shame someone.
Hmmmm...

Maybe it is just my white girl privilege speaking, but when someone asks a (to paraphrase) "Where did you buy your brown baby" racist question like that, they should be ashamed. Children are not accessories and "exotic" children are not a thing you shop for. I am actually appalled that the OP has gotten any flack for defending her family from an intrusive and disgusting question in a way that puts the offender in their place. Since when is it the job of any mother to endlessly explain her children?
That Mom is offline  
Old 06-27-2010, 05:18 PM
 
BookGoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Gryffindor Tower at Hogwarts
Posts: 6,266
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by whoabethy View Post
My DP and I used a known donor to get pregnant and he's Filipino. Recently we've been starting to get questions from people assuming she's adopted. Last week a stranger asked, "Where did you get her from?" I responded, "From my vagina." It was the first thing that came to mind.


I like it. It's a good comeback to an intrusive question.

It's all about context. If it's done in such a direct way like what was mentioned by the OP, I would have to respond with a retort. However, if the person was being nice about it, I would respond in kind.

Bad Mama Jama - I love that response to the breastfeeding question.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
BookGoddess is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off