Q: Where did you get your baby from? A: My vagina. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 40 Old 04-23-2010, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My DP and I used a known donor to get pregnant and he's Filipino. Recently we've been starting to get questions from people assuming she's adopted. Last week a stranger asked, "Where did you get her from?" I responded, "From my vagina." It was the first thing that came to mind.

My mom thinks it's too flippant to repsond this way. Her opinion is that people are just "trying to be nice." Personally, I think it's a straight-forward answer to an intrusive question.

What do you think?

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#2 of 40 Old 04-23-2010, 10:58 AM
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I think if people are going to ask a question like that, they need to be ready for the correct answer!

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#3 of 40 Old 04-23-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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"Where did you get her from?" wow that is just so offensive. I think offensive Q's deserve offensive answers. I might've replied "we bought out of the back of a van at walmart" but I like your response better!

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#4 of 40 Old 04-23-2010, 08:30 PM
 
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OMG, that is the perfect answer to a really stupid question.

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#5 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 01:26 AM
 
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Well, people aren't trying to be nice ... they're trying to be nosy. Not that their intentions are likely malevolent or anything, but yeah ... it's not "being nice."

I'm big on answering questions based on their intentions more than their substance sometimes. With regard to that sort of question, the intentions are plainly to satisfy a personal curiosity without a lot of thought given to actual decorum. I think the answer you gave -- matter of fact, not that concerned with social propriety -- fits perfectly.
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#6 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 01:58 AM
 
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Since when is the phrase "Where did you get her from?" a nice thing to ask. Very intrusive! I think you had the perfect response.

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#7 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 02:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Liquesce View Post
Well, people aren't trying to be nice ... they're trying to be nosy. Not that their intentions are likely malevolent or anything, but yeah ... it's not "being nice."

I'm big on answering questions based on their intentions more than their substance sometimes. With regard to that sort of question, the intentions are plainly to satisfy a personal curiosity without a lot of thought given to actual decorum. I think the answer you gave -- matter of fact, not that concerned with social propriety -- fits perfectly.
Yes, this.

It's like strangers rubbing my pregnant belly without asking if it's ok then defending their rude behavior with some stupid response like "It's magical" or "It's SO big!"... I have been known to say things like, "My butt's pretty magical, too" or "My boobs have gotten a lot bigger, too. Would you like to rub them?"

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#8 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 04:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whoabethy View Post
My DP and I used a known donor to get pregnant and he's Filipino. Recently we've been starting to get questions from people assuming she's adopted. Last week a stranger asked, "Where did you get her from?" I responded, "From my vagina." It was the first thing that came to mind.

My mom thinks it's too flippant to repsond this way. Her opinion is that people are just "trying to be nice." Personally, I think it's a straight-forward answer to an intrusive question.

What do you think?
I think it's a deliberately rude answer to a rude question and I'm not saying it's unjustified but maybe a gentler "from my belly/uterus/womb when I gave birth to her" would convey the same message without having to stoop to the level of social crudity that they were. (?)

and honestly that's where she came from. If I live in NYC and have a visitor from NJ, I don't say the came from the Holland Tunnel...that was just a point on their route here.

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#9 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 06:08 AM
 
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i think its a great response and perfectly fitting for a stupid question.

btw one of my favorites is when folks ask me where I'm from , I say "My Mom!"

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#10 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 09:02 AM
 
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I'm actually going to disagree with the majority here. Is it a rude thing to ask? Sure. But the people who ask it are not meaning to be rude. Your response, on the other hand, is intentionally rude. I'll admit that I incline towards the flip, witty (and yes, rude) retort, but I'm also learning that while it may make ME feel better, it also usually makes the other person (who probably didn't realize their question was rude when it came out of their mouth) feel horrible, and my response could have been better used to gently and kindly educate rather than embarrass.

I actually think just saying (in a friendly way) that she's your biological daughter and is half filipino (no need to go into any more detail) would both satisfy their curiosity and also help them realize that just because a child looks different from her mother does not mean they are not biologically related. People are going to be more willing to see things a different way if they don't feel belittled. Just my 2 cents as I myself strive to take a gentler approach with people.

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#11 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 04:22 PM
 
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Maybe a good response is the same one I heard a twin mom give to no less then 4 bizarre questions at a mall recently...

"Why do you ask?" said friendly.

I think a lot of folks ask questions that are strange because they cant think of what else to say.

I disagree that using the vagina makes it rude or intentionally anything, i think that would have been conveded in the tone and face much more.

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#12 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 04:39 PM
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I would have gestured to DH and asked "Would you like us to show you?"

I agree, what a rude question!
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#13 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 04:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by whoabethy View Post
I responded, "From my vagina." It was the first thing that came to mind.

I think that is hysterical! I don't think it was rude at all. Rude question, for sure. I always wish I had the guts to come up with answers like that! However, in the future, I think I'd probably go with the PP's suggestion of "From my belly". I actually like that one a lot. It makes it clear that she is your child, you carried her, and children don't always look like their parents. And it sounds sweet. I used to tell my children that, when they were toddlers, that they used to be inside my belly, when they would ask questions about babies and birth, and I think it's a good response.
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#14 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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That question hasn't come up for me yet, but I was thinking of saying, "From the Republic of Mywomb." However, the Replublic of Myvagina has a nice ring to it, too.

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#15 of 40 Old 04-24-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by WTHamI? View Post
I'm actually going to disagree with the majority here. Is it a rude thing to ask? Sure. But the people who ask it are not meaning to be rude. Your response, on the other hand, is intentionally rude. I'll admit that I incline towards the flip, witty (and yes, rude) retort, but I'm also learning that while it may make ME feel better, it also usually makes the other person (who probably didn't realize their question was rude when it came out of their mouth) feel horrible, and my response could have been better used to gently and kindly educate rather than embarrass.

I actually think just saying (in a friendly way) that she's your biological daughter and is half filipino (no need to go into any more detail) would both satisfy their curiosity and also help them realize that just because a child looks different from her mother does not mean they are not biologically related. People are going to be more willing to see things a different way if they don't feel belittled. Just my 2 cents as I myself strive to take a gentler approach with people.
I agree.
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#16 of 40 Old 04-25-2010, 01:30 AM
 
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it also usually makes the other person (who probably didn't realize their question was rude when it came out of their mouth) feel horrible
I get your point, but maybe an answer like this will make them think twice about asking someone else intrusive, not to mention rude, questions.

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#17 of 40 Old 04-25-2010, 02:08 AM
 
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i can see her point to and thats why i mentioned the "why do you ask?" response. hopefully makes them think for a second about what they said, but if said with the right positive and open tone it is just a return question, not a slam.

I tend to be punchy and snarky, but i do there there is sometime better ways than mine

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#18 of 40 Old 04-25-2010, 02:54 AM
 
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i can see her point to and thats why i mentioned the "why do you ask?" response. hopefully makes them think for a second about what they said, but if said with the right positive and open tone it is just a return question, not a slam.

I tend to be punchy and snarky, but i do there there is sometime better ways than mine
Yeah, thats a good one. Except I'd be afraid to hear what people who have so little tact as to ask a question like that would respond!

I would HOPE their filter is working and they don't come back with something even worse, but clearly they already have boundary issues.. plus, OP's answer seems like a better way to end a conversation you don't want to be having in the first place! asking them another question would just invite them to keep butting in to my life!

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#19 of 40 Old 04-25-2010, 03:31 PM
 
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for whatever reason, strangers feel entitled to ask probing personal questions based on a child's appearance which is very bold and highly annoying. i am proud that you were so sharp and quick on that one!

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#20 of 40 Old 04-25-2010, 04:37 PM
 
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While I think that's hilarious

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I'm actually going to disagree with the majority here. Is it a rude thing to ask? Sure. But the people who ask it are not meaning to be rude. Your response, on the other hand, is intentionally rude.
I do agree with this. I totally understand the desire to snark back at a dumb question. But while I really, really want to do that sometimes, it's not really the person I want to be, so I don't.

I think "She's my biological daughter, why do you ask?" is just as effective in letting a person know their question was inappropriate. Normal, well-meaning people would take the social cue easily. Tempting as it may be, IMO it's unnecessary to escalate an interaction with a deliberate "shocker" type thing and the intention to shame someone.
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#21 of 40 Old 04-25-2010, 11:22 PM
 
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i do think that it will make her think twice before asking someone else one of these rude questions. i remember distinctly when a similar situation arose for me as a horrified woman inquired if this was my baby that i was breastfeeding. and i told her that i just came to the daycare to nurse random children who were hungry. no, not my most skillful moment, but i was tired of ignorance, so she may have caught a little of someone else's wrath, too.

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#22 of 40 Old 04-26-2010, 12:44 AM
 
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at all of the above! from the OP to the comment about breastfeeding.

I have gotten asked what my children's background is but *never* "where did you 'get' them?" And considering that the majority of the time, it is a person who is obviously first-generation in America from an African country, like their dad, asking, I answer.
To me, it's not a rude question, it's a person who can tell these kids might have a parent from the same country as them, or that they're half-African at least.

honestly, I'd rather they ask than stare at us. Gives me a chance to show my kids how to deal with questions that they will likely be asked someday.

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#23 of 40 Old 04-29-2010, 10:41 AM
 
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I would most likely do the same thing!! I have a friend who has albinism, she is black, her children do not have albinism, yet when we go out people tell her all the time how "beautiful it is" that she adopted African Twins?!?!? Seriously?!?!?!
I personally would never ask, to me, your child is your child no matter how it arrived in your arms.

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#24 of 40 Old 04-30-2010, 05:11 AM
 
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i am also going to go with the minority here (har har)

while yes it was a rude comment, it is something that people have been doing for centuries. they judge by what they see. did you know in the 1700s they actually had different races for man before they knew any better.

i too would draw attention to children can look rather different from parents.

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#25 of 40 Old 05-01-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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I get questions like that from kids at my daughter's school. I always reply that she came from my belly and sometimes offer some basic info on genetics. They are usually just curious.

From adults though, I get a lot of "Where is she from?" and my responses vary from looking at them like they are crazy to telling them very clearly how ignorant and stupid they are. I find those questions offensive on so many different levels and will sometimes take the time to go through the entire list.

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#26 of 40 Old 05-03-2010, 05:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i do tend to be snarky...so i often have to put myself in check. i guess my main goal is to let people know that (as the saying goes) they are making an "a*s out of u and me" by assuming DD is adopted. but, i guess there are more diplomativ ways of getting my point across!

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#27 of 40 Old 05-03-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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I think your response was perfect.

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#28 of 40 Old 05-03-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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I think if people are going to ask a question like that, they need to be ready for the correct answer!
Definitely! There is NO reason to worry about offending in this case.

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#29 of 40 Old 05-03-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by whoabethy View Post
My DP and I used a known donor to get pregnant and he's Filipino. Recently we've been starting to get questions from people assuming she's adopted. Last week a stranger asked, "Where did you get her from?" I responded, "From my vagina." It was the first thing that came to mind.

My mom thinks it's too flippant to repsond this way. Her opinion is that people are just "trying to be nice." Personally, I think it's a straight-forward answer to an intrusive question.

What do you think?
sorry you had to put up with this ignorance, but i had to l at your response.

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Yes, this.

It's like strangers rubbing my pregnant belly without asking if it's ok then defending their rude behavior with some stupid response like "It's magical" or "It's SO big!"... I have been known to say things like, "My butt's pretty magical, too" or "My boobs have gotten a lot bigger, too. Would you like to rub them?"


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i do think that it will make her think twice before asking someone else one of these rude questions. i remember distinctly when a similar situation arose for me as a horrified woman inquired if this was my baby that i was breastfeeding. and i told her that i just came to the daycare to nurse random children who were hungry. no, not my most skillful moment, but i was tired of ignorance, so she may have caught a little of someone else's wrath, too.
omg why oh why would someone ask that when you were bf your baby, love your response though

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#30 of 40 Old 05-09-2010, 01:08 PM
 
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It's a rude question even if your child weren't your biological child. I am a foster-to-adopt parent and I HATE that question.
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