"mixed kids are cuter" ?! - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 158 Old 04-11-2012, 09:42 PM
 
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She's already had several people comment about mixed kids being cute...but they obviously meant well and were just trying to compliment her, so it didn't bother me too much.  But a lot of the compliments she gets are really racially loaded ("Oh, she's half Indian?  Well of course, she's got that beautiful skin!") and I never know what to say.  I pretty much just stick to "Thanks" on the theory that they are meant nicely, even if they come out kind of badly.  After all, I say things that come out badly all the time. :P

 

Honestly, I am way more bothered by the emphasis in India on having light skin and how to deal with that next time we go, when she's old enough to understand what people say.  Skin-whitening creams and matrimonial ads listing skin color ("wheat-colored", "fair", etc.) are everywhere, and people tell my DH how beautiful she and I are because we're fairskinned.  I always thought the U.S. was pretty awful about skin color, but India is just horrifying.


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#122 of 158 Old 05-10-2012, 03:17 PM
 
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Ah yes!  The time old debate...

 

I cannot lie and say that it doesn't irritate me.  Coming from the perspective of a black woman, I have to say that it irks me that my dd can't be beautiful on her own and folks feel like there is something that makes her a bit more sparkly due to her multicultural parentage.  Sheesh.  I cannot tell you how often this has driven me nuts and I often wondered, why don't people just say, "What a beautiful kid!"

 

Why can't she be just as beautiful if she were only black?  It's almost like the multiracial thing makes her like a superhuman.  I've especially found that very shallow black folks have said she is so cute because she looks like a little ____________ (fill in the blank with any ethnicity other than black) LOL.  Somehow, we can't always find beauty in ourselves...  


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#123 of 158 Old 05-12-2012, 08:27 PM
 
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I would never say that mixed children are cuter, especially to a mixed child, or parents of mixed children... I agree that seems insensitive. I don't really see why we as a society make so many comments of ANY kind about people's appearance... whether positive or negative about their weight, race, make up, hair, or anything else. The constant grading of appearances is exhausting. 

 

That said - IMHO, biracial children just ARE cuter! And not just the children, I mean they grow up beautiful! I was always envious of the biracial girls in high school (specifically black & white mixed), perfect, smooth, carmely skin and hair that never seemed too thin or too thick to manage. Could just be a self-loathing kind of thing though, I've never been wild about my freckles and red hair. redface.gif


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#124 of 158 Old 05-13-2012, 08:51 AM
 
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don't quite totally agree with you ...it's a real lottery with genes .... I've seen photos of bi-racial children ... when the combination of both sets of features .... wasn't quite so harmonious

so it really depends, whatever background a person is .....

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#125 of 158 Old 05-13-2012, 10:05 PM
 
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This is such an interesting topic to me.  My husband and I have not tried to conceive just yet, but he is Filipino and I am white (German/Czech/English French).  I often wonder what our children are going to look like and how we'll handle race-related comments.

 

I do have to comment on what someone else said about being offended when people ask, "Where is s/he from?"  I understand how it can be viewed as offensive but I also think ti's partly just human curiosity.  I love to find out about people's ethnicity, even if they're "just white."  I think it comes from growing up surrounded by all white people and having a mother who always said she wished we "had some culture."  White/European people don't have culture?  This always confused me and made me feel funny, even as a child.  As an adult I am fascinated with finding out where I come from and have been working on my genealogy for some time now.  I love finding out more about my culture and about those of others, as well.  If that makes me racist, then hey.  I guess I'm racist.

 

Anyway, thank you all for posting on this thread.  It's given me a lot to think about.

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#126 of 158 Old 05-14-2012, 08:13 PM
 
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Today I took my mixed-race DD to the pool and one of the other women there said, "Hey, looks like she's working on a nice little tan there...?" in an insinuating sort of way, which was oddly bothersome, even after answering umpteen-million questions elsewhere about DD's parentage and name.  I think it was because the question was so oblique. 

 

It turned out the woman in question also had mixed-race kids who are much darker-skinned than she is, so I think she was just trying to figure out if we were a similar family, and she seemed very nice, but it seemed weird at the time.  I guess I'm just not used to anything other than a blunt, "That's an unusual name, where's it from?/She takes after her daddy, huh?" 


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#127 of 158 Old 05-19-2012, 11:35 AM
 
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I just wanted to chime in and address this from a different perspective. I live in a very polarized community where many people are still very racist. When me(white) and DH(mexican) were expecting our first child people didn't really like it. White people didn't like that I was "wasting" my blood mixing it with DH's. and Mexican people felt offended that DH had chosen to mix his blood with a white person which somehow makes him racist against his own people. Anyway, ever since my son was born he has been pored over and adored from both sides. I feel like when people comment on him being "cuter" it means that a door has been opened and people are becoming more comfortable with the other race. My white family is more comfortable with my son because he is only part mexican and our mexican friends/family are more comfortable with my son because he is only part white. I think in our case its a good thing that atleast people are starting to accept that other races are okay! And my son can fit in on both sides of the fence when need be. I am not offended, I am just happy they accept my son even though he is different.

 

Although I know that them accepting him because he is still partly their race is inherently racist on there part, but atleast their eyes have been opened a little bit. baby steps!

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#128 of 158 Old 05-19-2012, 11:58 AM
 
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I also wanted to add that I agree with the excitement response. I am not a baby person so I personally usually just see same race parents with their babies and think "Typical baby... seen THAT before." But when I see mixed race parents I think "Oh, I gotta get a look at this. I wonder what the baby looks like?"

 

I don't feel like that is racism, just curiosity.

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#129 of 158 Old 05-21-2012, 01:54 PM
 
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I probably shouldn't jump in without reading the whole thread, but I just wanted comment that I relate to all of this - more with my daughter than son (but perhaps because she's older). They're mixed white/chinese. I don't like comments on their looks which are racially motivated even if they are positive and "meant well".

 

 I found reading "Does Anyone Else Look like Me: A parents guide to raising multicultural children" (http://www.amazon.com/Anybody-Parents-Raising-Multiracial-Children/dp/0738206059) helpful.  Particularly with suggestions of how to react to help the children deal with comments. This was useful for me, particularly as I'm the white parent and I'm sensitive that issues of race are difficult to understand when I haven't lived through it myself.  


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#130 of 158 Old 05-22-2012, 11:21 AM
 
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Thanks prosciencemum!  I have the same feeling about "racially motivated" comments.  My DH and I both got a lot of "you look exotic" as a child and I always hated it desperately, even though many people thought they were delivering a compliment.  My DD (6) is starting to get these kinds of comments and I want all the tools I can to educate her and our new DD (due in June) about how to feel confident about themselves their responses.  My DD has been fascinated in the last year or so with blond haired, blue eyed girls and dolls too, thinking they are beautiful (despite all of the healthy multicultural images we have been trying to give her) so I know she is aware of this beauty standard, despite supposed compliments about how "interesting" she is. 

 

BTW, looking at your signature, I am also on the same page with the vaccines (though I do delay and spread some of them out a bit) of which I sometimes feel like a minority here on MDC.  I believe in the social responsibility of "herd immunity" and that if more of us had seen some of these diseases in person, we would be less resistant to protecting our children (and other people's babies who are too young to be vaccinated or have compromised systems) against them.  Off topic, but thought it was worth mentioning.


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#131 of 158 Old 05-23-2012, 04:04 PM
 
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Totally OT but I'm with you two on the vax thing.  I sometimes think about being more explicit in my sig line because I would like pro-vaccine mamas to be a more visible presence on MDC, but then I fear raising hackles and getting dragged into vax debates when I am not really here looking for that.  /end thread hijack


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#132 of 158 Old 05-25-2012, 03:56 AM
 
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Thanks CA Country Girl, and Mambrea. Now you mention it my daughter is obsessed with blond princesses (Cinderella) despite efforts to surround her with multicultural influences. 

 

An example from the toy store - she wanted a Barbie. I said she could have one if she could find one which wasn't blond - and we couldn't. That to me was totally shocking... Sure I can find one online (on the list for Xmas!). 


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#133 of 158 Old 07-17-2012, 11:44 AM
 
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One thing , I have to get off my chest , well actually 2 things , are 

When you have a child with somebody , who has darker skin , as was my late hb ( black american , puerto rican and american indian ) and your whole family is also quite dark , except for the one Grandmother , you happen to look like , and everybody calls your kids " mixed " 

HELLO , everybody in the world is mixed , E-VE-RY-BO-DY !!!

Or ... what made me have to htink very hard about my upbringing , before I say something , that would have given both my Grandmothers a heart attack ,

" oh what a cute little boy ! We have one like that , too " Eeeehhh , like "what " ? Oh you know , giggle , a chocolate baby Cuss.gif


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#134 of 158 Old 07-18-2012, 08:44 AM
 
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Oh you know , giggle , a chocolate baby Cuss.gif

 

This made me cringe on a visceral level. It's one thing to get smiles of acknowledgement from other mamas of mixed race kiddos, but seriously? Someone talked like that about their OWN child??!! Sorry, but something about that makes me want to call child services... if only that were just cause. 

 

 

 

Lately, I've been getting the more polite version of racism... (if there is such a thing). It goes like this:

 

THEM: Oh, he's adorable!! I just LOVE his skin tone...

ME: Thanks. I think he's pretty cute, but I'm a little biased.

 

And then they wait and look at me for an extended period of time, expectantly... for an explanation of why his skin tone is the beautiful way it is... and I don't give it. It's really awkward for them usually, but I've gotten used to it. I guess I'm fortunate that I don't get the questions. From what I hear, people will ask my best friend why he's darker than me, and I'm not sure what she tells them, but it seems to satisfy their curiosity. On a rare occasion, I'll get, "Is his father darker?" and I'll say, "A bit, but he gets his good looking noggin from me." I think I'd rather that though, than the overly sanitized comment about his skin tone. I swear if I get one more comment about how beautiful my son's skin is, I might scream... isn't there ANYTHING else to comment about besides his skin tone??! Ugh.


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#135 of 158 Old 07-18-2012, 10:28 AM
 
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I swear if I get one more comment about how beautiful my son's skin is, I might scream... isn't there ANYTHING else to comment about besides his skin tone??! Ugh.

I know , makes me sooo mad , he is a child with everything attached a child comes with and all you have is " look at that pretty colour !" 


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#136 of 158 Old 07-29-2012, 07:00 PM
 
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I can totally see where you are coming from here. It is a compliment, and an opinion, which we are all entitled to, but if you read into it, it could be taken as an insult for sure.

 

I can't believe I used to say stuff like that all the time, but in my head, I was thinking I just love dark skin. I never said it to a mixed race couple...I used to just say it in general to my friends sometimes...not that it makes it any better!

 

Come to think of it, I did ask someone recently about her daughter's hair. She is of Asian decent and her daughter has light hair, but I already met the dad and knew he was caucasian. I don't remember what I said, but I followed it up with "my husband and I both have black hair, and my daughter had light hair like that too". I don't know if she ever met my husband, who is from Central America. I was just curious because I also married a person of another race...I thought I was just making conversation about our children's similarities, but after reading all these comments I am beginning to think I could have offended her in some way! You learn something new every day! Thanks Mothering!

 

I didn't have the luxury of growing up in a diverse community, and I grew up in the 70s, so that can shape my opinions, I suppose. I would hope that kids growing up in ethnically diverse communities these days don't go around saying "mixed kids are cuter"...or at least if they do, that their parents let them know that it is not always a welcomed comment...Some people who are in a "mixed" marriage may not appreciate their being singled out as "cuter" and some who are not "mixed" might not like the implication of being less attractive.

 

Most white people I know find something very attractive about dark skin (tanning salons?). Some women I know from Latin countries think that women with lighter skin are more beautiful. Weird, isn't it?

 

When I would say "mixed kids are cuter" amongst friends, I wasn't saying "the lighter the better" as far as African people go. I was probably saying "the darker the better" as far as white people go, since I loved dark skin! So people are probably insulting your ancestors and not your husbands....not that it makes it better but maybe it will clarify it a bit. I guess I was almost racist against my own skin color, saying I didn't find it as attractive as darker skin...??? It was just my opinion, but I should have kept it to myself, as I can now see how it can be offensive. 

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#137 of 158 Old 08-01-2012, 09:30 AM
 
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But what it comes down to , is EVERYBODY IS MIXED ! And it shows a lot of ignorance , when somebody says , look at that cute mixed kid , because then they should say it to everyone and not point out to me " your kids´ father must have darker skin than you ! "

OH , thanks for pointing that out , I didn´t even notice ! 


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#138 of 158 Old 08-01-2012, 10:05 AM
 
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But what it comes down to , is EVERYBODY IS MIXED ! And it shows a lot of ignorance , when somebody says , look at that cute mixed kid , because then they should say it to everyone and not point out to me " your kids´ father must have darker skin than you ! "

OH , thanks for pointing that out , I didn´t even notice ! 

 

I completely agree with you - I find the distinction a bit odd in this day and age.  As if everyone was of one race and "mixed race" couples were some strange anomaly? Even Betty Crocker is a global composite!  I mean, hell - even boring ol' "white" people are all seriously mixed, even if they are solely European in heritage.  It wasn't that long ago that those distinctions mattered - like when my Irish grandmother married an Italian - THAT was a scandal! shrug.gif

 

It is silly and offensive.  Not sure if I mentioned this previously, but recently I've had a lot of experience with people giving me odd looks and saying things like, "Hmmm...his father MUST be blond right?" when I'm out and about with my light-haired, blue-eyed baby (as I mentioned before, I have very dark hair, green eyes, more olive skin - often labeled "exotic" or "not white" as a child).  And we both have white skin - not a mixed race issue, per se - yet it still really bugs me.  

 

I don't understand what difference it makes WHAT his father looks like - at least as long as I find him handsome! loveeyes.gif  Shouldn't the focus be on my awesome, super cool baby, not on figuring out what skin color/complexion/whatever his Dad has?  It feels odd - like I'm being evaluated and judged for my choices in a partner based on our offspring, or like someone is suspicious this isn't my kid.

 

I know this isn't directly on topic, but it's my closest personal experience...


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#139 of 158 Old 08-21-2012, 05:43 AM
 
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My kids are biracial as well and I hear the same thing. But personally I think if its your kids you will think he or she is cute duh I think all children created by God, are beautiful

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#140 of 158 Old 09-05-2012, 02:26 PM
 
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This misses the point entirely. We are talking about a dominate culture commenting on the "other" - either by exoticisizing the "not too other" features that work for our beauty standard (but aren't TOO different or TOO black or TOO Asian, etc, etc, etc) or talking about the beauty standard that's more associated with our culture to begin with. Are you seriously suggesting that the comment, "mixed babies are the cutest!" is not racially based? Is anyone in this discussion even coming from a non-white perspective? I understand that I'm coming from a privileged perspective when I talk about this topic; does anyone else?

 

 

 

As a mixed race woman with a white husband and two young daughters, thank you for this thread and this comment.

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#141 of 158 Old 09-09-2012, 06:26 PM
 
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My babies are mixed and they are beautiful... They are asked if they are models almost everyday. I'm proud to brag about my intelligent girls. They are black puertorican and white and they are gorgeous <3
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#142 of 158 Old 09-13-2012, 06:26 AM
 
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Very distressing. Agree totally that race is a social construct and therefore loaded with society's' biases  I am new to this forum so adding my comment anyway. Racist comments are racist comments. That's all they are. What is implied is that the dominant community is what we are comparing with. And that is the white community. If the child was mixed Asian the comparison would still be to white communities. Unnecessary. Every child is beautiful. Time to move on. Next time the comment is made ask them isn't your child cute also?

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#143 of 158 Old 09-13-2012, 03:30 PM
 
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I've been following thus thread for some time. I have to say I don't see the op's point. I am mixed ethnicity. I have native American, German, Irish, Dutch, Jewish and perhaps Roma gypsy (suspected but not confirmed ) people always made comments about my exotic beauty. I don't kind at all. I don't see it as anycomment on my races but on the beauty they mixed to create.
My fiance is a gorgeous man, hes Hispanic at first glance but he's actually Mexican, Mayan, and Japanese. That MIX is why he's gorgeous.
Our son has auburn hair, one blue eye, one brown and is a perfect mix of daddy and mommy. He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.
My point is, very few people are pure in race so all beauty is from a mix. So if someone says to me your mixed baby is so cute I just say thank you.
Now if someone said oh he's really pretty for a Mexican, than id be offended.
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#144 of 158 Old 09-13-2012, 04:33 PM
 
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Now if someone said oh he's really pretty for a Mexican, than id be offended.

That's the problem.  They kind of are saying that.

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#145 of 158 Old 10-25-2012, 08:06 AM
 
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Sometimes I do think that 'mixed' children have a better chance at being more attractive. With that being said, I have seen some really unattractive 'mixed' children. So....just because you are 'mixed' doesn't guarantee beauty.

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#146 of 158 Old 11-21-2012, 01:09 PM
 
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what ??? mixed kids cuter . . .says who ??? that's almost a racsist statement

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#147 of 158 Old 11-22-2012, 11:31 AM
 
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I remember being extremely sensitive to this issue when pregnant with my oldest child 21 years ago, but my perspective has changed over time.

My 3 kids are half native Japanese, but raised in the US so not only have we experienced race issues, but cultural ones. It s further compounded by the fact that all three also have autism. People say stupid things all the time, but you learn for the most art to distinguish between well- intentioned albeit misguided comments & true bigotry. They're not the same thing. We have so many battles to fight on behalf of our children, we have to choose where we put our energy. It's ok to either ignore small comments--particularly if they are positive-- or to gently express our perspective so they don't continue to be insensitive. But I've found it wiser to ignore small comments for the most part & not take it personally UNLESS they're being truly blatantly unkind. Then hell hath no fury like a mother for her child!

Remember as you read this thread that we are moms who've been through this already. Don't discount the words just because they aren't what you expected. We empathize and there is wisdom in the collective words of this forum.

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#148 of 158 Old 11-22-2012, 12:49 PM
 
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Genetic probability wise - parents who have more diverse genes from each other (ex. one black parent and one white) are more likely to pass on their dominant genes vs recessive ones thus producing attractive children.

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#149 of 158 Old 11-23-2012, 03:47 PM
 
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Most of these posts are written as if the comment meant cuter by comparison to other kids that are not "white". It could easily be meant the other way around. It seems a shame to spend so much time classifying each other and obsessing over these kinds of things when we've got so many other things to teach our children. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and very much determined by culture. The same person can be considered stunning, average and unattractive depending on where she or he lives.

When I'm asked what my or my daughter's ethnicity is, I respond with a bit of pride since I feel so much love for our family and for the cultures in which my husband and I grew up. I'll teach my daughter this love and pride, not to get hung up on whether someone deems her particular mix of looks attractive or not, or to what race she seems to belong. I guess I'm lucky that I'm raising her in a cosmopolitan environment where she gets to see how much difference of opinion humanity is capable of having on this and many other issues.

Word of advice: if someone asks what your kids' background is and compliments their looks, just say thanks and move on! If you get hung up on some existential questioning on what it all means, you're going to pass on that tension to your kids!

Peace.
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#150 of 158 Old 11-29-2012, 11:30 PM
 
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There's a great book - Why doesn't anyone look like me. A parents guide to raising multiracial children. By Donna jackson nakazawa. Has great advice for dealing with people's stupid comments and not passing on any insecurity to your children.

For me it's not about if my mixed race kids are being compared to white or Chinese children. It's about them being lumped into a single category because of their race.

My kids are beautiful, full stop. Are all childrenare beautiful full stop. Let's remove race from that discussion (mixed or otherwise).

Mother of two living in UK. Daughter (2007) born in USA, son (2010) born here. I'm pro natural birth, midwife care, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing and a keen advocate of cloth diapering. I'm a full time working research scientist (physical sciences) and I'm pro-vaccine.

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