Growing up with different cultures - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 05-22-2012, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, those of you that have partners or others close to you that has grown up in a different culture, are experiencing communication difficulties due to having different world views?

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#2 of 10 Old 05-22-2012, 03:25 PM
 
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A little bit, yes but we are good at working through them for the most part.

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#3 of 10 Old 05-22-2012, 10:39 PM
 
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yes, .... and since it was a neighboring country & I didn't marry someone from the other side of the world (or a different race either) .... then I didn't actually expect that day to day living would be so much impacted ... maybe I was naïve  ...

 

but also, sometimes, I wonder how much of it is just due to that family in particular and their own ways of doing things (= it possibly could have been totally different if I had married someone else from that same country = their family dynamic might have been totally different ???)

 

so, yes, i think so .... and no, i'm not totally sure that's just because of the different culture ....

 

especially since I have 2 sibblings, we were braught up together ... and yet, one of the 3 has so different world views on quite a number of topic ...(more in synch with one of our cousin, ...that the other 2 find difficult to bear in fact ...) and that also did impact our daily life in a negative way on quite a few occasions .... SO even from your own culture, there's no obligation to have the same style of life when you are grown up, even if you were braught up together and with the same parental views ...

 

=> the question for me is rather .... how allowable is it in your culture to make your own decisions when an adult regarding important topics (which religion, how many children, what style of up-bringing for them, lifestyle choices etc ....) ... when they differ from the norm ....
 

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#4 of 10 Old 05-23-2012, 08:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IsaFrench View Post
but also, sometimes, I wonder how much of it is just due to that family in particular and their own ways of doing things (= it possibly could have been totally different if I had married someone else from that same country = their family dynamic might have been totally different ???)

 

I agree with this. I am from an immigrant family in the US and was raised in the language/culture/our local community. DH is also from the US, but was raised in a "regular" American family. Things come up now and then, sometimes relating to childrearing, but for the most part it hasn't been that difficult. I think this is mostly due to the fact that over these 20 years, DH learned the language and has participated a lot in the community. I am also fully integrated into the "regular" American community as well as keeping ties to my ethnic community. But who knows how much of the differences are actually just family differences, not cultural.


Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (14) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#5 of 10 Old 05-23-2012, 10:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for answering. I don`t have many multicultural relationships to compare with since I don`t have anyone close to me that has managed to make it work for long. (And that scares me a little and I just want to do my part in this)

 

 

Quote:
=> the question for me is rather .... how allowable is it in your culture to make your own decisions when an adult regarding important topics (which religion, how many children, what style of up-bringing for them, lifestyle choices etc ....) ... when they differ from the norm ....

The difficult part for us is that his family don`t want me as his partner and that is something that can put a strain on the relationship, and also that I have parents (dad) that don`t like that I am with someone from his culture. But still,  my culture is quite permissivie and his is not, but I have closer ties to my family, so that makes it kind of equal in terms of being allowed to make ones own decisions. One thing that has helped us is the determination we both feel. We both know that the other will stand by him or her even though we don`t necessarily agree, because we are on the same team, and that kind of trumps a lot of differences. (I have never experinced that mutual determination to stay together and be on the other persons side)

 

We don`t really have big differences, and neither of us have a tight conservative relationship to our own culture. But the closer we became, the more differences we see, and some are personal. He speaks my language fluently and we both have knowledge of the others culture, so a lot of things just works out, and we forget that we grew up in different parts of the world, but when we have deep conversations we often stumble upon subjects that we just think differently about. In general, that is something I find positive and both our world views broadens continually :), but it can lead to conflicts too.

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#6 of 10 Old 05-24-2012, 07:25 AM
 
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Marjane, my sister is french, white, originally catholic and is still married to her muslim maroccan husband, has been for 31 years .... it CAN work !
 

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#7 of 10 Old 05-29-2012, 08:32 AM
 
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Big time. 

 

If it weren't for our shared faith, we'd be in huge trouble.  But even that sometimes ends up with some contention because of the different ways we view/translate/interpret faith issues.  We didn't do premarital counseling.  I am going to insist (and pay for, if I need to) that our children do intensive premarital counseling with a focus on cross-cultural marriage since we have created one of those "third culture" environments by marrying each other--whoever our kids marry, it will be "cross cultural" in many ways. 

 

Two biggies are ethics/lying and women's issues.  It is weird.  He hates "white lies", while I often tell them, to spare feelings or to avoid annoying him or someone else.  He hates that.  But he's said stuff about business ethics, smuggling (in his own country), and stuff like that that scares the living daylights out of me and that I think are very, very wrong but are perfectly normal and acceptable where he's from.

 

Same with women.  In many ways, he's super progressive.  No FGM.  He loves his daughter. I know he will push her as hard academically as he pushes the boys (although there you have another issue, he's a first generation African immigrant, and to him a "B" equals complete and utter failure) I earn money, we share our money, I basically control the budget and he leaves that to me.  But.....he thinks polygamy is far superior to American sexual mores even though our faith forbids it so he wouldn't take more wives himself.  And one time he told me about how a woman was raped, and included in it "but she was wearing a bikini.  Lying there almost naked by the pool.  Of course it happened.  Men have trouble controlling themselves".  Which stunned me because I know he has superb self control and considers any sex outside of marriage to be very wrong, whether it's men or women who do it.  I wanted to beat him over the head for that comment, and I'm not letting that issue rest, for sure.

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#8 of 10 Old 05-29-2012, 09:43 AM
 
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am glad to read something about lying ....

it's the opposite for me/DH ....i cannot stand lies (maybe because I was lied to for something "big" when being a child ?)

and a few weeks back I heard DH on the phones with his mom and he was saying total lies about me .... i was so shocked ...

i asked him about it after the phone call ended .... it's culturaly/or maybe just his family culture ? appropriate for him to tell his mom what she wants to hear when she is upset, even if it's lies ... = this is what he explained anyway ....

 

appart from this particular instance (the culmination of 12 years of troubles with in-laws & MIL ... the tide changed after the phone call though, it was a total turning point, the atmosphere at home has been SO different, as if seeing the light at the end of a 12 years long tunnel ....)

it is also a little annoying in every day life .... when I ask questions and expect factual answers .... which I don't get !

the children need me so i need to go but will come back to read more about it all ...

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#9 of 10 Old 07-02-2012, 11:55 AM
 
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DH and I def have cultural issues in our relationship, but I find they tend to be small. He hates when I Disagree with him in front of the kids.....stuff like that which, as has been said, could occur just due to family differences even if we were both from the same culture.

I like the way we are challenged by our different backgrounds (I am white American, he's a black African, and we life in Africa) to expand our world views and think outside our comfort zones. As a rule, being from diff cultures is a strength for us. We are good communicators as a rule so when we do hit big differences in our expectations, we can usually find our way through them, and they help us grow and love each other better.

We have 7 foster and adopted African kids, ages 3 weeks to 20 years, and I love instilling my western culture in them alongside the Kenyan culture where they've been raised. We humans live in a global culture, more and more. Moving out of the US was the best thing I ever did for my own development, and I can't wait for the day I can bring my African kids back there for their exposure to another culture. I think a multicultural family is one of the greatest gifts I've given my kids. It's the perfect way to teach compassion and respect.....two qualities the world needs more of!
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#10 of 10 Old 11-21-2012, 12:59 PM
 
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some interesting points. . .  the bottom line is growing up in a multi cultural family will help you in the long term as out world is increasingly multi cultural. the notion of the country will become more and more akin to the states within the united states . . . . individual but linked in way that's almost indifferent to the outsiders. 

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