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Biracial child is racist?

6K views 11 replies 10 participants last post by  RCHOUDH 
#1 ·
I'm white and DH is a medium-toned Indian. Our kids' skin tones are about midway between ours; they look like light-toned Indians.

When DD1 was a toddler (maybe 2 y/o) she started saying she didn't like brown skin because it was ugly. I told her all skin colors were beautiful and saying things like that was going to make Daddy and her grandparents sad. At that time I figured it was a toddler phase that would be gone quickly. Later on, around age 4 or 5, she started saying that she didn't like Indian people. Couldn't elaborate on why, just said she didn't like them. I tried different things, including pointing out that she was half Indian herself, that Daddy and her grandparents are Indian and she likes them, and that it makes people feel really bad when you say you don't like them, especially if it's for a reason they can't change. None of that really seemed to help. Now at 6 she has recently been saying she "hates herself" and wants to make her skin color lighter. Both she and my younger DD (4) have repeatedly said that they wish their skin were lighter like mine.

At this point it seems pretty clear that this is not a phase. I don't know where it is coming from but I would really like it to stop. I feel horrible when I hear her say those things and I am afraid her grandparents are going to hear her say them and feel even more horrible.

Any suggestions would really be very welcome. TIA
 
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#2 ·
My stepdaughter (who is 8 now) is half Mexican (biomom is from Mexico) and her dad is white but she is a medium toned skin tone. She has told me VERY similar things but I assumed it was because her biological mother was no longer in the picture and it was her anger and sadness being taken out in that way because it was the most obvious difference. Something that we did that really helped her was taking her to cultural events and cultural centers in the area to show her all the cool and interesting things that her Mexican heritage has to offer as well as making delicious foods and teaching her words in spanish. Now she rarely says anything negative about her skin tone.

I also started telling her that her skin looked like DELICIOUS caramel and so many people would love to have her skin color and also explained that a lot of people who are white spend a lot of money tanning just to look like she did. She seemed to like the food connection but didn't seem to care about the tanning bit, hahaha. Maybe try exposing your kids to more people who share their heritage and have lots of fun doing it?

Hope that's helpful, it's a very strange and sad situation!
 
#3 ·
Are they getting picked on by classmates? Kids can be really cruel esp. if someone sticks out of the crowd due to skin tone, hair color, freckles etc. You name it! Maybe gently talk to her about if she is being bullied or made fun of because of her features.
Try to strengthen her self-confidence and pride in her family ancestry.
 
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#4 ·
Thanks for the suggestions. I did ask her quite carefully about bullying or teasing, she's denied any and her teacher did not suggest that was going on either. About 1/3 of her class is South Asian so it's not at all an unusual characteristic. I can try to take the kids to more local South Asian festivals etc
 
#6 ·
If I am going to guess she has met racism and is attacking the side of her that she feels other people are attacking. I think that pointing out that you don't hate her Indian side and that it is in fact one of the ways she is special is a good thing. Talk about how parents always contribute into making a child who he/she is. Would she want to do without other aspects of herself that are from her father? My guess is she will not want that. The point would be that any positive thing is intertwined with any "bad" thing. She may never love her skin color but she can at least see that it is part of her and the good things about her. I also think it is right to tell her to not insult her relatives, not everyone will appreciate her thoughts about this. I would also encourage her to try to find positive things with her Indian heritage and help her see how this enriches her and your life.
 
#8 ·
If I am going to guess she has met racism and is attacking the side of her that she feels other people are attacking.
You are probably right but I am suspecting the source is closer to home than not. India is rife with casteism and colorism, and my ILs have obviously been affected by that. My MIL has asked me to find her American whitening creams, for example (ironically, effective whitening creams are not available here as in India because they are toxic). And while DH is fiercely egalitarian it's pretty clear his ideas of beauty are in line with the colorist standards of Bollywood (he did end up with me after all). I have heard both DH and MIL tell the kids to wear hats/sunscreen in order for their skin not to get 'black.' Ironically my own mom has the inverse beauty standard and praises their 'nice tan skin' (which isn't essentially better but at least provides some food for thought about the diversity of opinions on beauty), but that doesn't seem to have done much to counteract the messages coming from the other side of the family.

Personally I try to avoid much discussion of physical beauty at all. If the kids ask me directly if their hat/dress/self/doll/whatever is beautiful I say yes but then try to redirect to something they are working hard at or doing well. I would prefer that all family members just lay off the skin tone conversations entirely but that is not something I'm in a position to police.

So if the kids picked this up somewhere I finger my family rather than DD1's diverse American public school. Unfortunately that still leaves me in the what-do-I-do-about-this position. I do try to lead by example. I'm afraid it isn't enough. :(
 
#7 ·
Young children observe so much, and typically understand things on a more subconscious level. That means they can't verbalize what they know.

Your daughter may have noticed that you or other whites get treated better than people of color. It could be so subtle that you, and she, are not consciously aware of it. Perhaps the teacher gives jobs of handing out things to white children more often than those of color. Or she sees someone talking with you and ignoring her father.

Of course th actual reasons for different treatment might not be race related. I grew up with a boy who probably had ADHD. He was frequently given the jobs of handing out crayons, etc. I was sure it was favoritism, perhaps because he was blond. As an adult, I can see that the teacher knew he needed to move more than the rest of us. Still, I noticed that he was treated differently. But I doubt I could have explained why I hated him. I was jealous, pure and simple.

So that leaves you with how to deal with it.

I would stop the guilt trips. I would just tell her how much I love her and her siblings; how much I love her dad; and be careful what I say about my in-laws. And I would show her that I respect all people, and restrict judgments to individuals and not races. Lead by example.
 
#10 · (Edited)
I doubt that is racism. She prefers a different color skin. She is not saying people with dark skin will steal from you. She is saying she wants lighter skin. My daughter wants golden hair. A lot of older girls and women will color their hair and wear makeup, that is not a statement on race either. That is simply a statement on a preference in colors, looks, etc. Until she starts to say stuff like Indian people have low IQs or White people are all privileged, then she is not saying something racist.

I have dealt with racist biracial people before. My brother married this woman who had nieces and nephews that were biracial. My brother and his wife are different races. The nieces and nephews, who are half one race and half the same as my children would tell my children that they are not welcome there and that they hate them because of their race and that they hate all people of our race. Now THAT is racist. But simply wanting a different skin color, hair color, straight vs curly hair, etc..that is not racist. This is simply about how she feels about her looks personally. That is it. Right now, I am trying to find things to help my daughter feel better about her darker looks. Maybe a darker color Disney Princess or something. She is in to Rapunzel. That might be the source of our problems here.

Edited to say: just saw what your inlaws have said. Sounds like they are probably the source of this. With my brother's inlaws, the parents of those kids were the source. I heard a lot of stupid remarks from them myself. When they didn't think I could hear them. Or maybe they did and wanted me to hear.
 
#12 ·
Hi,

I agree that this is a tricky situation to be in. I think what you're doing right now (in trying to not let your dd's dwell on skin color matters too much by redirecting them to other things) is most helpful at that age. And perhaps you should ask your in-laws to not bring up skin color conversations in front of your dd's as well; hopefully they'll understand after hearing what your dd is experiencing in regards to her own skin color. Also try to see if she's also being influenced by what she sees on TV; the predominance of white characters on TV can be affecting her self-esteem also. Unfortunately this is an ongoing issue that will take lots of time and effort to be dealt with.
 
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