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#181 of 222 Old 03-25-2009, 04:42 PM
 
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I never ask that question anyway because it is like asking an overwieght person when is the baby due? They may not be pregnant...how embarrassing...!!!

Anyway, I would just admire any child and feel anyone with them should be blessed.....I knew a man who was accused of kidnapping his own child because they did not look alike. The police arrested him and everything...thought he nabbed the kid. Those police did not even have a missing child report....what a bunch of clowns.....

Still happens.....
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#182 of 222 Old 03-27-2009, 03:11 PM
 
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I never ask that question anyway because it is like asking an overwieght person when is the baby due? They may not be pregnant...how embarrassing...!!!
Oh my. I've done that. :

In my defense, the lady was not overweight. She just had a very noticeable, firm round belly. I myself was about 6 months along and trying to make conversation with another expectant mom. She just smiled politely when I asked her due date and informed me she was NOT pregnant. I felt like that guy in the Southwest Airlines commercial: "Wanna get away?"

Honestly, she looked so obviously pregnant that I was tempted to ask if she was postpartum, but didn't want to add insult to injury if she wasn't. I considered that she might be one of these interesting women who was in denial until the baby was born... but it would be hard to ignore that bump she had! I dunno. I felt bad and apologized profusely, though she just laughed it off.

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#183 of 222 Old 03-29-2009, 02:59 PM
 
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Oh my. I've done that. :

In my defense, the lady was not overweight. She just had a very noticeable, firm round belly. I myself was about 6 months along and trying to make conversation with another expectant mom. She just smiled politely when I asked her due date and informed me she was NOT pregnant. I felt like that guy in the Southwest Airlines commercial: "Wanna get away?"

Honestly, she looked so obviously pregnant that I was tempted to ask if she was postpartum, but didn't want to add insult to injury if she wasn't. I considered that she might be one of these interesting women who was in denial until the baby was born... but it would be hard to ignore that bump she had! I dunno. I felt bad and apologized profusely, though she just laughed it off.
That can be due to steriod use, and mediacal conditions.

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#184 of 222 Old 03-31-2009, 02:00 AM
 
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That can be due to steriod use, and mediacal conditions.
I'm just glad she was not offended. I felt bad enough!

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#185 of 222 Old 03-31-2009, 02:06 AM
 
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..double post... sorry!

)O(   Far-away Mama to: Pooka (16)...Alex (14)...Mickie-Lamb (13)...Solo Mama to: Punkin' Seed (8)...Tootsie Pop (6)...Lil' Man (3) and a yikes2.gif due February 2012

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#186 of 222 Old 10-15-2009, 09:35 AM
 
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I get the "when did you adopt" question all the time. I am white as they come, red hair blue eyes, white alabaster skin. My DH is Korean. Needless to say, genetics leaned to daddy's side....At least once a week I get asked if I adopted....NO!! I squeezed her out of me, My body was a vessel for 9 months....ugh, sometimes it's so frustrating, but everyone says how absolutely gorgeous she is- and of course she is!


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#187 of 222 Old 10-15-2009, 09:55 AM
 
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Wow, this is an old thread. That said... I'm still asked on a regular basis about my kids, especially the three younger ones. Only the oldest looks like me, and none of them look like one another. I've been told very often that "If I didn't know they were all yours, I wouldn't even think they were cousins!" They don't look at all alike. Bella looks like Mike, Bean looks like me, BooBah and Bear look like other relatives but like neither of us.

Genes are funny things.

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#188 of 222 Old 10-16-2009, 04:16 AM
 
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I just wanted to say that I appreciate this thread. My dp is Asian and I'm White and I'll (hopefully) be carrying a couple babies (our donor is Asian) and we've had lots of time to think about how our family make-up--mixed race and queer will impact us and our children. That being said it's always different than what you anticipate and I find it helpful to read other people's experiences and challenges beforehand, so thank you for sharing!

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#189 of 222 Old 10-16-2009, 11:12 AM
 
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I oddly usually assume a child with a very different appearance from their parents is mixed. And if they are adopted, why should it matter? I don't really understand why people put their noses in other peoples business. I mean really, saying "oh, your daughter is so cute!" and getting a response of "I'm her nanny" or something is a lot less embarrassing then assuming a child isn't their parents simply because of skin color.

My ds is part mexican and part white. He got almost all of the white genes! He tans better than myself but since we live in WA he loses that tan most of the year. He's also got blonde hair. I guess I'm sort of lucky since no one asks if he's mine.

However...I will say that when I see a cute child, particularly one with a striking feature or features, I tend to look longer than I should and then embarrass myself. I can't help it! Like a few weeks ago, I saw this little boy at the store who had caramel colored hair, darkish skin, and blue eyes! I couldn't help but look-so don't assume someone staring is thinking something negative, they might just think your kid is super cute

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#190 of 222 Old 10-16-2009, 04:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
Last week, my dd (4.5 yrs), ds (16 months) and I went to Babies R Us for a registry gift. The (white) cashier asked, "Are those your children?" I said, "Yes." Then she paused and said, "They're beautiful." Of course, I said thanks.

My dd then asked, "Mom, why did she ask if we are your children?" :
I said, "Maybe she didn't hear you call me mom," and I shrugged. The cashier then said, "Oh, well lots of people come in here with their friends' children. That's why I asked."

I think she may have thought that I was the caretaker. I'm AA and my children are biracial. I get that a lot. People aren't sure and they tip toe around the issue, but this was the first time I've been asked outright like that.
Also, how do you know she wasn't asking you if you were mom because she thought you "looked" young?? I'm over 40 and get the question often regarding my teen son being my brother or if I'm his babysitter, lol. Why just assume it's about your race?

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#191 of 222 Old 10-16-2009, 05:03 PM
 
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Also, how do you know she wasn't asking you if you were mom because she thought you "looked" young?? I'm over 40 and get the question often regarding my teen son being my brother or if I'm his babysitter, lol. Why just assume it's about your race?
Well, I can't speak for the other mom, but when it's happened to me the interrogators have had the ill-grace to say, "I thought you might be the nanny". I was in my 30's when I had my children, and believe me I looked every bit my age (and a lot older after trying to attend full-time university, work part-time, manage a household and take care of 2 kids, lol).

I've asked friends (white moms of white babies) if they have EVER been asked that question, or mistaken for the nanny. It hasn't happened to any of them.

Since it is often about race, it's a fair assumption. Depending on the situation though, it may be fair to give the benefit of the doubt to the person asking. I wouldn't expect anyone to have to do that though.
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#192 of 222 Old 10-23-2009, 11:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Also, how do you know she wasn't asking you if you were mom because she thought you "looked" young?? I'm over 40 and get the question often regarding my teen son being my brother or if I'm his babysitter, lol. Why just assume it's about your race?
It is possible that she asked b/c I looked young. Also, if it was about age, she might have said, "Really? Wow - you look so young!" or something like that.

I could be wrong, but it's mostly race -- since then I've gotten What is your dh? What is your child's "nationality?" What are they? So while it is possible, I'm sticking with my original assumption.

A biracial woman just asked what my son was the other day and I said, "Well I'm his mom and his dad is Caucasian," and she said, "Hey, that's just like me."

She was just looking to connect and then we talked about hair and a couple of other things for a few minutes. It was actually quite nice.

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#193 of 222 Old 10-23-2009, 01:06 PM
 
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It is possible that she asked b/c I looked young. Also, if it was about age, she might have said, "Really? Wow - you look so young!" or something like that.

I could be wrong, but it's mostly race -- since then I've gotten What is your dh? What is your child's "nationality?" What are they? So while it is possible, I'm sticking with my original assumption.

A biracial woman just asked what my son was the other day and I said, "Well I'm his mom and his dad is Caucasian," and she said, "Hey, that's just like me."

She was just looking to connect and then we talked about hair and a couple of other things for a few minutes. It was actually quite nice.
It's nice to hear that the question came out of a place of curiosity rather than racism or ignorance.

Happily married mom to DS (Aug 09) and two furry troublemakers.

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#194 of 222 Old 10-23-2009, 06:41 PM
 
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This happened to me as a child all the time. My mom and step dad are both olive skinned and dark, but I am a fair red head. I would usually respond by saying yes, is that your real hair color? If they looked offended, I would follow it up with, I'm sorry I thought it was time to ask inappropriate personal questions.

My ds is pale and blonde and when I was pregnant he told everyone his baby sister was black and going to be named Ula. I actually had one of his teachers ask me if I had an affair.

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#195 of 222 Old 10-23-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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I actually had one of his teachers ask me if I had an affair.
Wow, that's insane.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#196 of 222 Old 10-26-2009, 04:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
A biracial woman just asked what my son was the other day and I said, "Well I'm his mom and his dad is Caucasian," and she said, "Hey, that's just like me."

She was just looking to connect and then we talked about hair and a couple of other things for a few minutes. It was actually quite nice.
I've only been asked about my eldest son's ethnicity two times, both when he was very small. The second time, a woman came up to me in a store and asked me whether the baby's father was Mexican. (For the record, he is not; he's Palestinian, but that's neither here nor there.) I was a bit taken aback, and she quickly explained that her partner is from Mexico, and my child's coloring looked so much like her own childrens' that she was curious and wanted to chat. For once, I was so glad that I am one of those people who can never come up with a snappy comeback until hours after I need it.

Our younger son is fair and blond, and my DH insists that he gets weird looks when he is out with him. He sometimes worries that he'll get into a situation and no one will believe he's the dad. We do get "Are you sure he's the dad?" jokes from time to time, but generally it is clear the person doesn't have mean intentions. Only once or twice have I felt like the person telling the joke was really wondering and the joke was a cover. I just shift my life a bit so I don't have to see those people anymore.
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#197 of 222 Old 10-28-2009, 01:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by olliepop View Post
Last week, my dd (4.5 yrs), ds (16 months) and I went to Babies R Us for a registry gift. The (white) cashier asked, "Are those your children?" I said, "Yes." Then she paused and said, "They're beautiful." Of course, I said thanks.

My dd then asked, "Mom, why did she ask if we are your children?" :
I said, "Maybe she didn't hear you call me mom," and I shrugged. The cashier then said, "Oh, well lots of people come in here with their friends' children. That's why I asked."

I think she may have thought that I was the caretaker. I'm AA and my children are biracial. I get that a lot. People aren't sure and they tip toe around the issue, but this was the first time I've been asked outright like that.

Has that happened to any of you? How did/do you deal with it? Would you put your baby in this t-shirt?
I am dreading when this happens, I'm pregnant now and my husband is white and it is a crap shoot about how my daughter will look. I do not know how I will react if someone mistakes me for my child's nanny. I have gotten it once while keeping my niece for a week, and I wanted to curse the lady out for assuming I couldn't possibly be related to a child because we aren't the same skin tone. I once had a friend think it was cute to say as I was pushing her child in a stroller, that people probably thought I was her child's nanny, I promptly gave her back the stroller. I was a bit offended and I refuse to be seen as help simply because I am black.
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#198 of 222 Old 10-29-2009, 01:34 AM
 
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I returned last week from a short trip w/ the kids (without DH) to Yangshuo (in Guangxi) and it seemed like almost every person we encountered asked me about the kids (in Mandarin).


"They look Chinese"

"They look like they might be Chinese".

"Is their father Chinese?"

My DD got rather sick of the whole thing, and DS also a bit. I didn't mind it too much - because I realize that for many people, it was the 1st time they saw mixed (Eurasian) kids before.

This almost never happens in HK, but I think because there are so many mixed kids that people are used to it.
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#199 of 222 Old 11-09-2009, 12:26 AM
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DH and I are European, even though he was born in the US, his parents are Estonian. I'm Mediterranean, my mother is portuguese and my is father half portuguese and half spaniard. I was born in Portugal. But I have pale skin, mousy brown hair and green eyes. While DH has very light blonde hair and light blue eyes. And DD is the carbon copy of DH, she has platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin, etc. People assume that I'm a little bit "too dark" to be her mom. As stupid as it may sound. But DH and I are not that different from each other and apparently she looks "very scandinavian"

But on a sidenote, I like to see diversity. One of DD's best friends is beautiful, her mom is biracial and the father is white (red headed, blue eyes) and she has this beautiful olive skin color with red hair and blue eyes. Biracial children are beautiful.


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#200 of 222 Old 11-09-2009, 02:23 AM
 
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Originally Posted by park4 View Post
I get the "when did you adopt" question all the time. I am white as they come, red hair blue eyes, white alabaster skin. My DH is Korean. Needless to say, genetics leaned to daddy's side....At least once a week I get asked if I adopted....NO!! I squeezed her out of me, My body was a vessel for 9 months....ugh, sometimes it's so frustrating, but everyone says how absolutely gorgeous she is- and of course she is!

My parents were the opposite combination... Mom is Japanese and very typical Asian looking, and Dad is a red-head with the typical red head complexion. My mom used to get a lot of questions when she was out with one of my younger sisters, who just happened to have auburn hair and paler skin.
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#201 of 222 Old 12-30-2009, 10:23 PM
 
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but I finally came to the conclusion that she really doesn't look Irish, haha!, and it may not be people's business to get in my business,
We have the opposite situation - I'm Anglo, and hubby is a very olive skinned, dark-haired Arab. Our DS is the spitting image of his Baba, but DD is as Irish as she can be! Flaming red hair, light skin, and grey eyes. Her Baba is often met with strange looks ("did that Muslim man just steal that baby?") if he walks around with her.

I tease him and say people think he's the Manny.

D.

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#202 of 222 Old 12-31-2009, 11:51 AM
 
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I once had a friend think it was cute to say as I was pushing her child in a stroller, that people probably thought I was her child's nanny, I promptly gave her back the stroller. I was a bit offended and I refuse to be seen as help simply because I am black.
I get where you're coming from, but it's not always just because you're black. I think a lot of people just can't process that kids can have very different skin colors from one or both of thier biological parents, and still be very much their parents children. People like that don't have a first thought of "Oh, maybe they're a multicultural family" but "Hmmm....big difference...what could explain that....Oh! Nanny! Right!" and if not that, then adoption.

My kids are biracial. I'm white. We were at a park once when a white man asked if they were mine, and when I said yes, he said "Oh, I thought you might be their nanny or something".
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#203 of 222 Old 12-31-2009, 12:30 PM
 
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In a lot of places, people don't have a lot of exposure to mixed kids. They don't understand the wide variety of possibilities, and honestly you're right, it just doesn't occur to them! I grew up with a high percentage of mixed kids, black/white/N. American in all different combinations, so it seems normal to me. But since leaving home I have noticed that there are very few multiracial families in some places!

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#204 of 222 Old 12-31-2009, 06:16 PM
 
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You know, I live in Texas, which isn't usually credited with open mindedness. However, when I go places with just me and my best friends kids, who are black while I am white, I get tons of compliments on "my" beautiful daughters. No one has EVER asked IF they were mine, but assumed that they were.

Now I had a friend who was white, married to a man who was Hispanic and they had two ds's. The kids honestly didn't look like they were the same race, much less brothers. People always assumed they had different fathers but they did not. One light complected blond, blue eyed boy and one dark complected black hair and brown eyes.

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#205 of 222 Old 01-01-2010, 02:22 AM
 
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im black
my daughter is bi racial
she is very light
when people i know meet her for the first time it's always like "oh..she's very light...is her daddy white"
other than that i get the "she's beautiful"
and i had some people just look at her like an alien
even had one lady say "that's not right"
but im not surprised since i live in the south

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#206 of 222 Old 01-01-2010, 02:58 AM
 
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I'm white and dh is asian. Dd looks just like dh. When dd and I are out without dh, people ask her if she is adopted.
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#207 of 222 Old 01-01-2010, 05:42 AM
 
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I'm white and dh is asian. Dd looks just like dh. When dd and I are out without dh, people ask her if she is adopted.
Wow. Just wow. Even if I were sure a child was adopted I would not bring it up! How you handle that information with your child is a very personal issue! This floors me.

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Originally Posted by jenn09 View Post
im black
my daughter is bi racial
she is very light
when people i know meet her for the first time it's always like "oh..she's very light...is her daddy white"
other than that i get the "she's beautiful"
and i had some people just look at her like an alien
even had one lady say "that's not right"
but im not surprised since i live in the south
This floors me too. What the hell does "thats not right" mean anyway? And right in front of the child?

I would seriously hurt someone.

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#208 of 222 Old 01-01-2010, 05:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UmmIlyas View Post
We have the opposite situation - I'm Anglo, and hubby is a very olive skinned, dark-haired Arab. Our DS is the spitting image of his Baba, but DD is as Irish as she can be! Flaming red hair, light skin, and grey eyes. Her Baba is often met with strange looks ("did that Muslim man just steal that baby?") if he walks around with her.

I tease him and say people think he's the Manny.

D.
LOL. My best friends xh is hispanic and we use to go out with all the kids together, me, her, him, her two kids (black) and my two (white). You should have seen the looks he'd getting carrying the two small ones. One black child on one hip and one white child on the other. He always joked he was going to get arrested for kidnapping if she and I didn't stick close!!

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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#209 of 222 Old 01-01-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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A recent issue for me was at ds' elementary school. My son had come home with cut up clothes (a completely different issue) so I had packed up my kids and driven back to school. We were waiting in the main office in a row of chairs.. two of my ds' me, adopted ds, another bio ds. All in a row.

This lady comes in (not his regular teacher, but obviously knows ds) and walks up to him (I am sitting RIGHT next to him) and says, "A, were you forgotten? Do we need to call your mommy?"

"Um, NO. I am sitting RIGHT here."

Wow. Because you know the lady sitting right next to a child couldn't POSSIBLY be their parent.
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#210 of 222 Old 01-20-2010, 12:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KnitLady View Post
I haven't finished reading all the responses (on page 3), but I do have a question. I've never asked anyone if those were their children because I think it is rude. However, I have found myself in a situation where I really couldn't tell if the children were with a nanny or with their mother. I would say different things to a mother than I would to a nanny. In these situations, I've just smiled and said nothing instead of trying to go through the shenanigans to find out who belongs to who and if what I want to say is appropriate or not.

To be clear, I'm referring to situations where small talk is appropriate like playing at a park, not at a store when everyone is busy.

Also, adoption is something that DH and I have thought about many times and I love to talk to adoptive parents about their experiences, but again, I never feel comfortable asking if they adopted or not. Sometimes the questions aren't out of curiosity, but have a purpose.


What would be the best policy? Should I just always assume the adults are the parents and risk offending the nannies? Or should I just stick with the shut up and smile policy?
I've only made it to this post, but I wanted to quote it because it's pretty much my question, as well. DH and I are both white, with white bio kids, but we would like to adopt in the future and neither of us really care what race the child is. So often if I'm at the park or just out somewhere in general and I see, say, a white mom with Asian kids or a black mom with white kids, I really do want to ask because if they are adopted I would love to strike up a conversation. Maybe I should just get myself a shirt that says "If your kids are adopted, please talk to me because I want to adopt too!" and save myself some grief.

For the record, I always assume that kids are with their parents, until proven otherwise. I always make small talk at the park start with "your kids are..." and if it's the sitter, they can let me know.

Vallere: Blessed Wife, Doula, Homeschool Mom to Ian Gray(11/20/05), Zollie Isaac(10/14/07), Anna Zophia (8/14/09):, and a GIRL coming June 2010!
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