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Are Those Your Children?

28K views 220 replies 134 participants last post by  JFTB1177 
#1 ·
Last week, my dd (4.5 yrs), ds (16 months) and I went to Babies R Us for a registry gift. The (white) cashier asked, "Are those your children?" I said, "Yes." Then she paused and said, "They're beautiful." Of course, I said thanks.

My dd then asked, "Mom, why did she ask if we are your children?"
:
I said, "Maybe she didn't hear you call me mom," and I shrugged. The cashier then said, "Oh, well lots of people come in here with their friends' children. That's why I asked."

I think she may have thought that I was the caretaker. I'm AA and my children are biracial. I get that a lot. People aren't sure and they tip toe around the issue, but this was the first time I've been asked outright like that.

Has that happened to any of you? How did/do you deal with it? Would you put your baby in this t-shirt?
 
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#53 ·
So I think it happened again. I was walking over to a friend's house w/ DD. There was a woman waiting for the bus in front of my friend's house. I was unlocking the door and the woman stopped me to ask if I did childcare. I told her I did a little babysitting now and then. She said, "Oh, I'm trying to start up a home daycare and thought you might know how to go about it." I told her a group I knew of and that was it. Once I got inside I realized she probably thought I did childcare b/c she probably assumed DD wasn't mine. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but I doubt it.
 
#54 ·
Since I'm half Asian and my dh is Italian, I constantly get "Are you the babysitter?" Here in Italy it is quite common to have Asian maids/baby sitters. It used to bother me a lot, but now I kind of just laugh it off and try to educate people. My mom (who is of European descent) also got "How nice of you to adopt these 4 girls."
 
#55 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by joanq View Post
OH! And also when DS was born....I had a nurse insisting he was jaundiced although the test came back normal. She insisted "look at how yellow his skin is next to yours!!" The whole time my dh (a mexican with yellow undertones to his skin) was sitting next to me. I just looked at her like she was daft and they redid the test....it came back normal of course.
Haha, this happened to us too, dh is Algerian but from Kabili so lighter skinned than most north africans, it was the nurse who had seen my dh who nudged the nurse convinced that dd was jaundiced and told her to shut up!!!
 
#56 ·
I am so sorry, i read the first post's but not all. first i'd like to say i didn't even know there was a multicultural families forum. i'm going to have to check this out more!

then:

Quote:
Has that happened to any of you? How did/do you deal with it? Would you put your baby in this t-shirt?
i wish I had that shirt now. not sure if i'd put DS in it. (he's 2) that's MY statement not his at the moment. i wouldn't put him in it now.

i am bi-racial. white momma and black dad. raised by mom with dad in jail. mom married all white men. if anybody has listened to Bridgette Grey you'll know what i mean by saying i felt like the black sheep of the family...literally. (and if you haven't you should check her out!). anyway, i'm back to seeing my dad (and the rest of the fam-bam that goes with him...both GREAT things)

anyway, my partner is a nice scottish boy.
and our son for sure looks like me and him but with his complexion and hair. it's really quite interesting.
our daycare situation was weird for a min. a new teacher came and there is one darker complected boy in DS's class...well of course i go to pick DS up and the new teach assumes he's mine. they both run up to me everyday, as they are the best of friends so i really do understand why it happened. but it really was heart breaking still to have the new teacher trying to pull my DS off my leg while he was hugging me because she really thought i wasn't his mommy.
 
#57 ·
When my youngest was a baby, I used to get quizzed on my nationality-- frequently asked if I was "hispanic", puerto rican, italian, etc. etc. I do tan easily and have dark hair and eyes, but I'm pretty much standard white American. And when I told people I wasn't, then it would move on to "Is your husband hispanic? Indian?" etc. etc. No, he's black. Ohhhh.

Now that he's older people have stopped asking, though. Maybe because his skin is darker and it's obvious he didn't get it from me? And I've never been asked if he was adopted. I have been asked once or twice if my kids are mine, but I assume it's because I'm 24 and they don't think I look old enough to be my 5 yr. old's mom, which is also insulting.
 
#58 ·
Ds2 is drastically lighter than any of us and because of it we constantly get suspicious looks as if he isn't my husband's (I'm mixed b/w and he's full black). It is maddening to say the least. I answer any question with a pretty curt reply as it pisses me off. I'll be glad for the day when people realize that shades of skin are akin to eye color in a mixed child.

On a lighter note, I love the "black and white and loved all over" and "I can whine in two different languages" shirts so much, I'm going to have to buy them!

Ahh... The languages one is out in my kids' sizes.
 
#59 ·
My uncle has gotten the question a few times. He's anglo-saxon, and my aunt is Japanese. As for how their kids look ... well, we (my family, who are all also anglo-saxon) think that they look more Japanese. My aunt's family (who are all Japanese) think that they look more anglo-saxon!
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#60 ·
I got this more when the girls were newborns/infants but not so much now. I don't know if it's because they are CC/AA or if I look so young! I'm almost 39 but can pass for 16 easy! And I'm sure I'm more confident in being a mom too now so I act more like a mother!
 
#61 ·
If anyone mentions my DCs complexions, it's usually a German saying how nice it is that they won't burn easy! My husbands family is Quebecois and Polish,and people often think I AM German, but the kids all take after his side.

I think as "mixed" kids become more visable, the ignorant masses will realize skin comes in all shades, regardless of what your parents look like!
 
#62 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by innle View Post
My uncle has gotten the question a few times. He's anglo-saxon, and my aunt is Japanese. As for how their kids look ... well, we (my family, who are all also anglo-saxon) think that they look more Japanese. My aunt's family (who are all Japanese) think that they look more anglo-saxon!
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This is something we've found too -- when DD is here in Colorado with me, she looks very Japanese, to the extent that many people assume she's an adopted child from an Asian country. But when we're in Japan it's pretty much instantly obvious when you look at her that she's not 100% Japanese. The question we get asked there all the time is "Is she hafu?" -- which is "half" pronounced Japanese style, the term for a child like DD with one Japanese parent and one non-Japanese parent. That question bugs me in a different way, for a different reason, but it's not the same one that we get here in the US.
 
#63 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by joanq View Post
OH! And also when DS was born....I had a nurse insisting he was jaundiced although the test came back normal. She insisted "look at how yellow his skin is next to yours!!" The whole time my dh (a mexican with yellow undertones to his skin) was sitting next to me. I just looked at her like she was daft and they redid the test....it came back normal of course.
One of my dad's favorite "multicultural family" stories is similar. He was at my older brother's first doctors appointments, sitting in the exam room with my brother while Mom was parking the car, when the doctor told him "Oh, your baby looks a little jaundiced." and when Mom walked in, said "Oh, nevermind that bit about jaundice."

My dad is Anglo with the typical red headed complexion. Mom is Japanese. I frequently get mistaken for being Hispanic. My kids are 3/4 Japanese... they definitely look more Japanese than I do, but you can tell they're biracial still.

My nephews' father is Anglo, and he and my sister popped out 2 blonde haired, blue and gray eyed, pale skinned boys with somewhat Asian looking eyes.
 
#66 ·
I get just the opposite. My DF and I are both white, as is our DD. However, my stepson is black and has a 4mo who I often babysit. My DD and DGS are 18 mos apart so when people see us together they assume both are mine. That sometimes bothers me for a different reason. People seem to think that because the kids don't look alike but are so close in age, and because I don't have a wedding ring, that I must sleep around and got knocked up by two different men.

We get a lot of looks now. I wonder if I'll get more or less when he is walking and talking and DS calls my "Mommy" and he calls me "Grandma?"

Also, when I first moved in with DF and his DS and we would go out together we would get lots of looks as people tried to figure out the family relationship. They couldn't figure out why 2 white folks would be with a black teenager.
 
#67 ·
My husband is Hispanic and I am white skinned ( hungarian mix). My kids are BEAUTIFUL and they brown right up in the sun even more.

When we were swimming last year at the community pool, someone asked my husband (who was holding our 3 month old and playing with the 3 and 5 yr old)

"Did she adopt your kids?"


I love it! It makes me laugh.

I brag all of the time about their beautiful skin. My kids even come up to me and say- " Look mom, I am turning brown." to hear me gush over them
 
#68 ·
I haven't finished reading all the responses (on page 3), but I do have a question. I've never asked anyone if those were their children because I think it is rude. However, I have found myself in a situation where I really couldn't tell if the children were with a nanny or with their mother. I would say different things to a mother than I would to a nanny. In these situations, I've just smiled and said nothing instead of trying to go through the shenanigans to find out who belongs to who and if what I want to say is appropriate or not.

To be clear, I'm referring to situations where small talk is appropriate like playing at a park, not at a store when everyone is busy.

Also, adoption is something that DH and I have thought about many times and I love to talk to adoptive parents about their experiences, but again, I never feel comfortable asking if they adopted or not. Sometimes the questions aren't out of curiosity, but have a purpose.

What would be the best policy? Should I just always assume the adults are the parents and risk offending the nannies? Or should I just stick with the shut up and smile policy?
 
#69 ·
I'm biracial (mom- red-haired Belgian, dad - dark-skinned Zimbabwean!) and the strangest thing for me was looking like NEITHER of my parents. If I was out with just one of them, people would always say things like "oh, whose kid is that?" One thing that really helped was that my sister looked just like me! We definitely looked related, and when all four of us were together we got far less questions- I guess we looked more like a family unit with 2 of us that looked alike!


When I was a kid in the eighties my sister and I were the only biracial kids we knew. We used to get sooo many comments and compliments about how "exotic" we looked and how stunning we were, etc. We didn't really mind unless the comments came at a time that singled out us from a group of kids and made us feel "different".

I think these days, people are getting a lot more used to seeing biracial and multi-racial kids.

One thing that I really love about the way I look is that so many places I go I really look like I could be from there! I have traveled all over south-east asia, africa, the middle east, europe and south america and in so many places people assumed I was a local! Then they see my polish/ukrainian-english husband and catch on that I have no idea what they are saying!


Anyway, I wouldn't worry about offending kids and parents too much~ most of us are used to the questions and proud to tell you the answer! Especially if the questions come after a big fat compliment!
 
#70 ·
Quote:
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about offending kids and parents too much~ most of us are used to the questions and proud to tell you the answer! Especially if the questions come after a big fat compliment
I love this!
Yes!
 
#71 ·
I've occasionally had similar questions like 'are they yours', and it might be both because I (think :) I look younger than my true age, and because of the tan of my kids. Also on one occasion someone asked me if I was one of the teachers since I was always spotted with one or two of my children when bringing to/picking up from pre-school.

I am Belgian, white-skinned freckle-faced with darkbrown eyes and fine light brown hair, in Turkey where I live they even call it blonde :). DH is local and dark olive skinned with thick black hair. DS1 looks like a real mix and has middle brown hair, 'my' darkbrown eyes and quite a tanned skin. DS2 is dark blonde with the very same dark eyes and has a paler skin than DS1 but now summer has come he starts to get a darker complexion too. His features look the most like mine. Kids look like each other too.
You also find middle to dark blonde hair en bright blue, grey or green eyes in Turkey. But still I guess my kids look just that littlebit 'different' from others here, at least it's always being spotted.

My HB has been asked a few times 'are they foreigners'?, about our children and/or me. Mostly when I was not in the picture for a few seconds. He replied: 'indeed, but only half, mom is European' or sth. It may sound rude people asking if you'r foreign or a foreigner but it happens to me ALL THE TIME in this country. Sometimes you hear them say it behind your back but I sure do understand them). Whatever, I was quite annoyed about this kind of question but now realise it is just the direct way of curious Turkish people wondering where you're from. However, the often inquire because they positively interest in you (although exactly for being a foreigner) and/or for starting a social conversation. Still it's annoying, especially the frequency, but I guess I'll have to learn to live with it, that it 'll happen as long as I live here :). But I DO hope that my children will not have too many annoying or embarrassing (in the meaning of rude by the questionneur) experiences in this regard. They ARE locals, yes mixed, and bi-lingual, but born and raised here.

I think it is important indeed that on the one hand you do not take the inquiries too seriously, and on the other hand try to give a plausible and polite answer (not defensive) as an example for your kids. My 4y old starts to understand more complex subjects and understands already that he is a mixture from parents of two origins, so he can also accept and think about our explanations about it. He likes to compare his darker skinned arms to mine too and finds it funny :). And then I show him my freckles (which HE doesn't have) :).

And they are both handsome (look 'different' and interesting to people in both Belgium and Turkey) - and oh my do they KNOW IT
. Hope that won't lead to arrogance or annoyment later in life :). But they get to hear it all the time, also from complete strangers and they often get cuddled and kissed without 'warning', which my 4y old starts to resent! I assume random people will stop cuddling our children past 6 or so? Or maybe I should ask their IDs first
...
 
#72 ·
We are biracial I am hispanic and dh is white as casper. LOL Anyway we have 2 children together and then each of us has a boy from a previous relationship. His son is of course white. I am his mom. I am in the process of adopting him and have raised him since his mom left him on our doorstep at the age of 9 months. But we get this ALOT. My older daughter 4 looks nothing like me. She looks alot like a light skinned Dora. My son looks AA and the youngest baby looks like my mini me. ANYWAY< I would want a shirt that says I AM the nanny!! For all the time we have breakdowns over toys in stores or outbursts in restaraunts. LOL Somedays I wish I could just be the nanny. =)
 
#73 ·
awww i love the http://www.swirlsyndicate.com/shopping/sh_swirled.html so cute and the mixed thing is always there. i got when dd was born "THATS NOT YOUR CHILD" yes it was being yelled at me by a cashier. my mom was standing beside me and said i was there when she was born and "YES that is her child" i guess i am just a mommy time even kids that i was taking care of have always been looked at as mine
every day my and my bestfriend go out. both me and my best friend are white both of our kids are mixed with black. she has 2 kids 8dd and 7ds and me i have 6dd and 19m ds well when we are out they are all mine never once are they her's. she is looked at the mothers helper even when they are calling her mom.
 
#74 ·
Ugh, it happened again today! We were leaving the playground, walking home, as 2 women and 5 kids were also leaving. The kids looked biracial black/white (some had blue eyes). I assumed they were the moms of the children until one of them, after gazing into the jog stroller, asked me "are those your kids?" I said yes and answered questions about their ages. Then the woman said "they must look like their father" and it sounded rude to me but maybe I am reading into it. But it really hurt my feelings! ANd right in front of my 2 year old who understands and remembers everything. I said something stupid like "it's hard to tell who thye look like at this age" but I wish I said something like, "oh, I always thought they were my spitting image!"
 
#75 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bunnybee View Post
Ugh, it happened again today! We were leaving the playground, walking home, as 2 women and 5 kids were also leaving. The kids looked biracial black/white (some had blue eyes). I assumed they were the moms of the children until one of them, after gazing into the jog stroller, asked me "are those your kids?" I said yes and answered questions about their ages. Then the woman said "they must look like their father" and it sounded rude to me but maybe I am reading into it. But it really hurt my feelings! ANd right in front of my 2 year old who understands and remembers everything. I said something stupid like "it's hard to tell who thye look like at this age" but I wish I said something like, "oh, I always thought they were my spitting image!"
i would of said YES of course they are mine! are all of them YOURS?
 
#76 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by meowee View Post
What happened with the dads in the story is that they had to produce a birth certificate to show the police (they had been stopped while driving out of state on vacation). I guess they'd had trouble before so always carried a copy of her birth certificate.

The pictures are a good idea!

I know of a story just like that, but with the mom. They were going on a cruise ( the father had passed away years before) and she was asked to show their birth certificates and his death certificate in order to leave the country! How horrible!!! They missed the first half of the trip.
 
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