I definitely get why he's popular in unschooling circles, and I don't think his thesis is all about the parents. You have to understand who his audience is, though: it's mainstream parents.
When he talks about creating a situation where kids want to please their parents, he's talking about normal healthy empathic relationships: about kids taking their parents' needs and desires into account with their behaviour and how this eliminates the "necessity" of control. He's talking primarily to an audience that assumes control is an essential and basic tool in the parenting toolbox, and he's telling them to work on their relationships with their children, and if they do, they'll discover that control is unnecessary. When they ask "but then won't I end up with rude self-centred children who don't lift a hand around the house?" his response is to reassure them that with a strong parent-child relationship there's no reason the child would choose to behave rudely and horridly towards the parent. That's why he's saying that the kids will want to please their parents. He's really saying "Don't worry: they won't be horrid. They'll understand that you are a human being with feelings of your own, and so they won't set out to make your life awful."
To draw a fairly over-the-top parallel. Imagine a husband who is accustomed to abusing his wife physically and emotionally. He does so because control is the only way he knows to get her co-operation. He says "She'd never have sex with me if I didn't bully her into it!" His counsellor (i.e. Neufeld) tells him "Uh, buddy, heal your relationship with her, treat her with respect, re-establish some emotional intimacy and the sex will look after itself." That's really what Neufeld is saying to parents. Put your relationships first and you'll find you won't need control in order to live a comfortable, mutually supportive family life.
Having spent more than 15 years as a non-punitive, uncontrolling parent, I actually agree about the value of leadership -- and I see that sometimes I don't exercise enough of it. I think of leadership as being a natural result of the knowledge and wisdom that tend come with age and experience. I think of leadership as being quite different from authority. Although I have fiercely autonomous kids, especially the eldest two, and my tendency has been to turn all choice over to them, I have had to recognize that sometimes even they need my leadership. Sometimes we want the perspective of someone with more experience. Sometimes we need to hear their confidence in a particular choice as being a good one. Sometimes we need to see that there is someone we respect out there ahead of us, breaking trail, showing us the way.
Imagine that you go to a surgeon because you need a lump removed from some internal organ, and the surgeon says "Well, what do you want to do? Do you really want this out? Do you want a midline incision? Or a lateral incision? Or maybe a needle biopsy first, and then depending on that, we could move to either open surgery or a closed laparoscopic procedure. Do you think we should do it first thing in the morning and then keep you in hospital for just one night afterwards? Or later in the day, and let you sleep off the anaesthetic the first night and keep you one more day for a full recovery? Actually, maybe you don't want to stay overnight at all. You might want to go home right away. I guess you could do that too." etc. etc. You'd probably have absolutely no confidence in the surgeon, and you'd be worried as heck about your own health prospects as a result.
Sometimes, especially when kids are struggling with their own self-concept, or with some developmental transition, and they're a little 'stuck,' they need parental leadership in somewhat the same way that they might need the confident leadership of a good surgeon. Sometimes when a parent says "It's totally up to you; what do you want to do?" the child hears "Even my mom doesn't know how to help me!" or "My mom doesn't care enough to help me decide." Sometimes my unschooled kids have, in desperation, said "I just want you to make me do it!" or "can't you just decide?" Sometimes too much choice is overwhelming for kids and they just shut down and can't choose anything. Or they get stuck in a pattern that isn't making them happy but with their dwindling confidence and sense of self-worth they can't take the leap to find a way out. It's not that they're opposed to any particular path, just that they want something or someone to push them out of their aimlessness and indecision. We in 21st century western society have a so many opportunities, so many choices -- it's really quite unprecedented in human history and its no wonder our kids sometimes struggle. To me leadership is not about handing your child a roadmap to prevent them straying from a path you choose: that's authority. Leadership is finding your child at a crossroads confused and unhappy and saying "I know this area, and this path here goes somewhere pretty cool. You'll love it. Come on, follow me!"
Miranda