Hi winter singer,
I'm a parent to two kids, aged 2 and 5, so I don't have the experience that comes with BTDT, per se, but I wanted to mention something that comes up a lot in conversations in my circle, about kids your daughter's age.
Have you heard of Gordon Neufeld? He wrote "Hold Onto Your Kids" (about preserving the attachment between parent and child so that it remains stronger than the draw of peers), and often talks about how children's pre-frontal cortex isn't fully developed until age 6 or 7, which is when (and only just) children can hold contradictions, as is, they can feel angry about ____, but at the same time they understand that do need to do _____.
That's a very shoddy nutshell, so do please look into his theories further, if you're interested.
However, the long and short of what I'm getting at is that SO MANY folks hand over their children to the school system just before this developmental shift happens, when they're experiencing their children as demanding, or defiant, or intense, or exhausting, or what have you, and then 'school' seems to 'cure' the child of whatever behaviour that aggravated/frustrated the parent/child dynamic leading up to enrolling.
Many of my homeschooling parent friends say that they're so glad that they kept their kids home, because shortly after, everything got a lot easier.
Perhaps I'm not being clear, but I wanted to chime in to say that the only sure thing is change, and that your daughter will not always present the challenges that seem so intense now.
I second the routine idea, especially because your daughter is getting to that age where she can understand the idea of 'mama' time, even if it annoys her.
Each morning, I make my kids and myself breakfast, make my cup of coffee, and while they eat at the table, I go to my armchair and eat my breakfast and drink my coffee and read for 1-2 hours. This time is essential to my sanity, truly.
I started with ten minutes, and built it up from there.
Mind you, I have two kids, and often they lean on each other for feedback, help, or entertainment.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your post got me thinking.
Take care, mama.