Mothering Forum banner

feeling neglectful while unschooling

981 views 8 replies 8 participants last post by  elizawill 
#1 ·
Do you (unschoolers) ever feel neglectful, and what do you do when that feeling arises? I'm actually having more concern with non-academic areas. My children have freedom not only in deciding what to read, when to play with numbers, and so on, and my 6 year old is a good reader already, good with numbers, and loves to learn about lots of things. But I've also tended toward what some call "radical unschooling" and I've been easygoing with regards to things like toothbrushing (we often forget), cleaning up around the house (it's chaotic most of the time), and regular mealtimes (which gets frustrating when they don't eat dinner with us and then want something at 10 p.m.). So often I've wondered if I have made things harder by not having some sort of schedule and not planning ahead better. I'm frequently questioning my choices. Maybe I'd be doing that no matter how I was parenting. And things will get easier after we finish baby stuff (I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old too), right? Comments/suggestions?
 
#2 ·
If you're feeling a tug for more structure, go ahead and try it out. You can always loosen back up. When I start feeling like I'm not doing enough, it's usually because I'm seeing a negative effect of something I'm not doing. Then, I realize that I should probably implement some structure there and it helps. I'm not a very organized or structured person, but sometimes I need that in my life more than at other times. Also, my children need it more sometimes as well.

Lisa
 
#3 ·
It's gotta get easier as they get older and more self sufficient! At just turning 6, my ds still needs guidance to realize he is feeling out of control because he is hungry or tired. Toothbrushing before bed is about the only routine we have. He had early decay so it is something I "coerce" but I try to make it as pleasant as possible.

With regards to late eating, I generally give ds warning that I will be going to bed soon and if he needs something cooked to let me know soon or make do with snacks. He is kind of the pack animal type of kid so he tends to want to join us which I'm sure makes having a coordinated "schedule" easier.
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyMichele View Post
So often I've wondered if I have made things harder by not having some sort of schedule and not planning ahead better.
I gave my first child, who is now 5 1/2, a huge amount of freedom. I didn't pick about small things like table manners because she'd learn from example. I didn't restrict her activities/use of household items because I didn't want to stifle her creativity. I didn't have too much structure/flow to our day because I wanted my daughter to follow her own bliss. I continued to do that after our now-4 1/2 year old son joined us 2 1/2 years ago. I tried to continue doing it after our now-13 year old joined us one year ago.

What I found is that it didn't work. My daughter has terrible table manners and is a complete slob when she eats. She doesn't really respect that certain things are not available to her as play items and I find things that I need hidden around the house or damaged form being played with. I have found that my kids get extremely crabby by mid-afternoon if they are allowed to just flow freely through the day.

In the past few months I have taken some drastic steps and really revamped how I parent. I am much more "in charge" than I used to be. I work on the small stuff, like table manners, that ended up being more important to the harmonious and pleasurable functioning of our family than I thought they would be (and it's cut down on my laundry from her slobby eating, too). And I have taken great pains to institute a rhythm and routine to our day. My kids took to it really well and things have gotten a lot more pleasant for me. I find that my kids are much happier now that they know better what to expect. My kids were always very well behaved outside the home but were exhausting me when we were home. I find I am not nearly as exhausted by the kids as I used to be.

I have found that the less I negotiate with the kids and the more I just tell them, "This is the way it is, this is how we are doing it," the less they argue with me about getting things done (especially my 5 year old, who does not take no for an answer and will argue for five hours to get out of doing something that takes five minutes).

My 13 year old does not function well (if at all) if left to her own devices. She is in school because she simply cannot tolerate an unstructured day. Some of it is from her life experiences before she joined us. Some of it is her personality.

Quote:
which gets frustrating when they don't eat dinner with us and then want something at 10 p.m.
I found that I was running into that kind of thing frequently, and it was making me not enjoy my kids because I was constantly feeling like a servant to their whims. I stopped allowing things like that to happen. In regards to food, I started serving snacks at designated times. I started choosing the snacks. I went back to having a daily rest time, tooth brushing time, getting dressed time, etc. I basically set my life up in a way that's comfortable for me and expected my kids to come along. Now, this does not mean that I am more interested in meeting my own needs than I am in meeting the kids'. I am not rigid. But I needed to do something that helped me start enjoying being a parent more and feeling less overwhelmed and exhausted, and it's worked very well for us.

Perhaps there are families where everything functions well on a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants existence, but I can tell you definitely that, having been on both sides of the issue, mine is not one of them.

dm
 
#6 ·
I think being flexible and deciding which things truly matter to you (as a family, and independently) is key. Is forgetting to brush your teeth a couple times a week a big deal to you or not? If the house is feeling too messy for everyone perhaps you could work out a fun brief way to tidy up together. (I always liked "10 minute" clean ups when the kids were little. It was more like a game than a chore.) Having littles just makes a house more cluttered I think. I would also clean up whatever I could when they napped or were otherwise occupied.

Can you have little things available for them to eat on hand for the late night snacking? Things like fruit, yogurt, bread, peanut butter, english muffins, cheese, cereal, or popcorn are easy and even little kids can usually manage that mostly on their own.

It does get easier as they get older. In my experience anyway.
 
#7 ·
Well there is real societal pressure to conform to other peoples schedules so I don't ever assume that if I'm feeling pressure or guilt that it means I am doing something wrong. It could just be that outsiders like my mom know how to push my buttons.

At our house we never forced food or mealtimes ever. It's a set up for eating disorders. That doesn't mean that I didn't offer food to my child when I was hungry and making something or if I thought she might be hungry by her actions ( when she was little that is). It does meant that never ever sat her down and made her eat anything just because it was "meal time".

Given the ages of your kids I'd personally let go of any expectations of what you "should" be doing HSing wise. At this age just living life is an education for them. They soak things up just being around it.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top