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#61 of 95 Old 09-28-2008, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think it would be bad at all to check in with the caseworker when you get your case-closed letter. You could call her up and say, "I got this letter and I just want to make sure it's all over. Is there anything else I should be expecting to hear about?"

Then maybe she'd tell you if she sent your case on to the school board...
I think that's a good idea. Hopefully she'd be honest!

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#62 of 95 Old 09-29-2008, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When I talked with dh, he didn't like the idea of me calling to talk to the caseworker after it was all over. He thought it would draw more attention to us, and make me look guilty. So I don't want to call if he's not comfortable with the idea.

I did some checking, at the website for Missouri Children's Services, and realized that the social worker's supposed to notify the parents if s/he is going to be sending a report to the school board. And they're supposed to send the report within 3 days of the home-assessment, so if it had been sent I should already know about it.

Since my social worker never said anything about this (not even when I asked her if I should expect to hear more, all she said then was that I should expect to get a case-closed letter, and she saw no need for further services), and it's not in any of the paperwork she gave me that day, as long as there's no mention of this in the final letter, I guess I can assume that they saw no need to notify the school board.

I'm glad that at least I was worried enough to check into this, because now I'm a lot less worried.

Edited to Add: I think our school board is probably very cautious about what cases they decide to pursue, which may be why it goes through children's services first, so they only get the cases where a social worker has an actual concern.

It would make them look really stupid, to be pursuing every "educational neglect" call themselves, when their own district lost its accreditation several years back and still hasn't been able to regain it.

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#63 of 95 Old 09-29-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Just checking in on you.

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#64 of 95 Old 09-29-2008, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just checking in on you.
Thanks!

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#65 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 12:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We just got our letter yesterday -- stating that a case will not be opened, and that it was determined during the assessment that no services are needed at this time. Apparently the case was closed 5 days after the home-visit, but it just took me 4 weeks to get the letter.

I'm very relieved it's finally over! And, while I realize that letting the social worker in is usually not advised, in this case I'm glad that I did, because with the one friend I know who refused to let them in, it took 7 months for things to be resolved. She and her husband had to meet 2-3 times with the workers, and provide all kinds of paperwork explaining all the details of their homeschooling, plus a whole lot of other stuff.

And the allegations against my friend didn't even involve educational neglect -- but they still had to present those records. So if I hadn't cooperated, I feel sure our homeschooling would have been put under scrutiny. And whereas my friend used a structured approach and followed a curriculum -- I have certainly been logging about what dd does, and keeping records that satisfy the state criteria, but my records probably wouldn't look as neat and tidy as my friend's records.

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#66 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 03:16 PM
 
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: Glad it's resolved and done with and you can put it all behind you.

I think you did the right thing to let the social worker in. I think it's one of those things where there is no one-size-fits-all answer, and that you really have to be informed of your options and rights, and make a choice based on your particular situation and gut feeling. So sometimes letting them in is the best course of action.

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#67 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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so glad everything worked out. hopefully you never have to go through something like that again!

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#68 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 04:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I forgot to say -- thanks so much to everyone for your support, encouragement, and prayers through all this!

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#69 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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Congrats mama!

How's it going with your family? Have you made any decisions about the future? I'd be so tempted to keep things very formal....your family & your children's education is private!

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#70 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 07:46 PM
 
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Hooray! :

What a relief for you! Thanks for updating us, I've been wondering how things turned out.

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#71 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Congrats mama!

How's it going with your family? Have you made any decisions about the future? I'd be so tempted to keep things very formal....your family & your children's education is private!
Well, I let my mom know we had to break contact, and why, shortly after getting hotlined. I said that even if she didn't actually make the call, it's clear that she's been talking about me so negatively that someone felt a need to call (it absolutely had to be someone in my family or someone else my mom has talked to, based on the information the social worker gave me).

And Mom said she knew there was no point trying to persuade me otherwise, and that she didn't have anymore to say, And she's made no attempt to contact us since. I did get confirmation, when I renewed contact with an old friend -- because my friend had seen my mom at church last summer, casually asked about me, and got an earful about how worried Mom is about my girls, 'cause they're not getting the education they need, yadayada ...

So, basically, I haven't had any indication that I was wrong to break contact with my family, or that things have changed and they've now become a safe, supportive place for us. So we're working to build a supportive family in our neighborhood ...

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#72 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 11:24 PM
 
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so sad. it's one thing for her to feel that way and not have faith in you but to kvetch about it all around town just adds to your pain. if i didn't say it before, it was very brave of you to break contact with her to protect your children.
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#73 of 95 Old 10-15-2008, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so sad. it's one thing for her to feel that way and not have faith in you but to kvetch about it all around town just adds to your pain. if i didn't say it before, it was very brave of you to break contact with her to protect your children.
Thanks!

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#74 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 12:19 AM
 
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#75 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 05:35 AM
 
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I'm so glad you're coming through this okay

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#76 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 10:50 AM
 
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And she's made no attempt to contact us since.
i always find this interesting... when someone is treating you badly, or complaining about something you are doing and you stop speaking to them and then *nothing.* i always wonder, why didn't you just stop talking to me before all this damage was done in the relationship? if what you really wanted was for us to just not be talking or being in contact, why not just do it and then at some point maybe something could be worked out, but why do all this negative stuff first? that always confuses me. i guess because maybe it's just easier for most people to be negative rather than just be honest and say "you know, i just can't deal with what is happening right now, i'd rather not have contact with you." people really just baffle me sometimes.

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#77 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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: Sorry to hear your mother put you through all this..it sure seems like you made the right decision...people are so odd..you would think if your daughter came to you and said you couldn't keep contact that that would make them take a hard look at themselves and wonder if maybe there is something about them that needs a change...I mean, daughters don't usually tell their moms to leave them alone unless there's a serious problem..I don't know, this world is a crazy place where people can't be bothered to look at the mote in their own eye Glad you were strong enough to do what is best for you and your family and:to hear the cps stuff is resolved!
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#78 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 01:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i always find this interesting... when someone is treating you badly, or complaining about something you are doing and you stop speaking to them and then *nothing.* i always wonder, why didn't you just stop talking to me before all this damage was done in the relationship? if what you really wanted was for us to just not be talking or being in contact, why not just do it and then at some point maybe something could be worked out, but why do all this negative stuff first? that always confuses me. i guess because maybe it's just easier for most people to be negative rather than just be honest and say "you know, i just can't deal with what is happening right now, i'd rather not have contact with you." people really just baffle me sometimes.
Yes, baffled is pretty much how I feel whenever I try to understand my mom's motives. I think that, basically, my mom just wanted control, and as long as she thought there was some possibility of her getting me to do things more her way, she was eager to keep trying.

But when I stopped being as affected by her criticisms, and started just changing the subject or cutting short the visit, I think she felt very, very stifled and frustrated. And started talking about me more and more venomously whenever anyone would listen.

I think she was probably sounding out other people, as to what she could actually do about me. Again, maybe she wasn't the one who made the call (I still think it was probably my sister) -- but I think when the call actually got made, and then nothing came of it, maybe she just literally gave up on me. Judging from her reaction of surprise when I told her the social worker saw no need for further involvement, I think she seriously had believed that involving the authorities would force my hand.

I can't really know for sure, and of course I can't control whatever, if anything, she and my sister may be "plotting." My sister's youngest daughter just got married, and is planning on having children (this is my sister's last possibility to become a Grandma) -- so maybe Mom and Sis can get busy raising those kids. Not so great for them, but I guess it solves my problem.

My niece is still in her 20's, and is pretty close to her parents and pretty much agrees with her mom (my sister) on everything. And she'd probably work and leave her children in the care of my sister and her husband. So that should give mom and sis a pretty wide canvas to paint, huh?

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#79 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 01:44 PM
 
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i don't know where you live MM, but here in NY the call would have have to have been made by your mom. CPS would never have accepted a call based on something someone else was saying. it would have to have been something that was actually witnessed by the person calling.

so, i'm guessing she did call.

i know exactly what you are talking about. i had a similar situation with someone who used to be my housemate. she kinda flipped when she found out we were taking my DS in for an OT evaluation for sensory issues. she didn't speak directly to me, but instead started going to people we are close to and speaking very venomously about my parenting choices. she was saying that my DS' issues are from my DH and me fighting in front of him. and that if she could call and complain to CPS, maybe it would make me wake up and stop blaming my son for things we were causing. i accidentally found out about this and then found out about a whole bunch of other lies and distortions she was telling other people. i don't know exactly how long it was going on, but i have an idea. sadly, it's been very detrimental to several relationships. at this point i don't know if i could ever go and fix things, since she is still friends with most of these people. of course, it ended in me having to cut her off except for her spending very limited, supervised time with DS. it's really rather sad, and of course, she seems the sweetest, mildest person you ever met, but since she doesn't express her anger in any way, shape or form, it comes out in these twisted, bizarre and destructive ways.

maybe your mom is like that too.... sweet on the surface, but seething inside. people like that are just so toxic.

in any case, you did the right thing and her not calling you just confirms it.

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#80 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 02:14 PM
 
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mammal mama, did you ever read the toxic book?
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#81 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mammal mama, did you ever read the toxic book?
Thanks for reminding me! We haven't been to the library in a while (we tend to check out a ton of books and just keep renewing them for as long as we can) -- but I need to see if we can find it at one of our local libraries, and maybe check it out this weekend.

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#82 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it's really rather sad, and of course, she seems the sweetest, mildest person you ever met, but since she doesn't express her anger in any way, shape or form, it comes out in these twisted, bizarre and destructive ways.

maybe your mom is like that too.... sweet on the surface, but seething inside. people like that are just so toxic.
Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head here! I'm so sorry about what you've been through with your friend!

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#83 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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in any case, you did the right thing and her not calling you just confirms it.
Yes, I agree. I'd be so devastated if one of my children ever broke contact with me, relationship is everything to me -- but I'm realizing that control is everything to my mom, and if she can't have control, she sees no point in relationship.

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#84 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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mammal_mama, I just wanted to offer my support in your decision to break contact with your mom. DH broke contact with his mom after she did and said some very vindictive, hurtful, dishonest things to/about us. It took her several years to face the truth of her actions, but she eventually called him, apologizing and humble. They've been working on their relationship and she truly seems like a different person.

I did the same thing with my dad when I was a teenager. (He was actually being hurtful to my mom - they were divorced and he refused to see how he was hurting me.) Time changes people. Especially time without the other person. Forces you to think about it and see your mistakes.

I don't know what causes people to act that way. Maybe a bit of pride that we do things differently than "they taught us"? Maybe not wanting to let go of control of their kids. I don't know. I just wanted to say, things can get better. Maybe in time she will see things differently. Everyone is capable of change. But in the meantime, you're doing the right thing for your family.
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#85 of 95 Old 10-16-2008, 04:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Tara! I'm sorry that you and your dh have been through similar stuff with family members.

Yes, I feel good about my decision. Even though it is very sad, I feel assurance that it's really the only decision I can make, based on the way my mom has decided to perceive me, talk about me, and behave toward me.

It will be great if she reaches a place of genuine repentance, and truly desires a relationship with us! She's about to turn 84 -- but who knows, she could still live and stay in possession of her mental faculties for many, many years. Either way, I seriously know it's out of my hands. It's just up to her.

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#86 of 95 Old 12-25-2008, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Update: I impulively called my mom today to wish her a Merry Christmas, and found out in the course of the conversation that it was my sister who reported us to Children's Services and my mom "doesn't blame" her. While the call leaves me feeling a little shaken, overall it gives me peace, because I won't lie awake anymore wondering about the minuscule possibility that I'm falsely accusing my relatives ...

And now that I know my mom agrees with what my sister did, I won't feel so sad for her anymore, thinking she's just a naive lady who talks too much and has no idea the damage her words can do. If you're interested in reading more about the call, I wrote about it here (you have to go to the last page of the thread to see my update) --

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1015701
Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for listening!

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#87 of 95 Old 12-25-2008, 02:07 PM
 
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I saw you thread elsewhere about feeling bad about having no contact at the holidays. I hope you've found some peace now.

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.  ~Albert Einstein
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#88 of 95 Old 12-25-2008, 07:33 PM
 
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thanks for the update

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#89 of 95 Old 04-19-2009, 01:23 PM
 
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I can relate! My children 9 7 and 3 (all boys) -we unschool and my MIL called on us in February of this year! We have not contacted her for 2 years prior to this but she knows that I am homeschool/unschooling and of course doesent approve (like I need her approval) so she called CPS on me. I came home from the store one day and there was a card on my door to call the investigator. I called and they set up a time to come out. The lady was very nice and asked me do I homeschool? and,Are my kids up to date on vaccinations? I told her yes they are homeschooled and she said "that is you chioce and there is nothing wrong with that" I aslo told her that they are up to date on vaccinations (not!) then she sat my boys down in the living room (remember she is a stranger to my kids) and asked them "how much school work do you do in a day?" and "do you like homeschooling?". She wanted me to leave the room while she asked them the questions but I explained that they do not know who she is and are not comfortable with her and that I would like to remain in the room durring questioning. She didnt push the issue. Everything went good ,she left and it was unfounded!

Still it is a horrible experience and because of my mother in law im sure they will be back one day!
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#90 of 95 Old 04-19-2009, 02:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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vegmama3 -- and I'm glad everything went well! I'm amazed that your mil was able to get them to come out, considering that you guys hadn't had any contact with her for 2 years prior. Maybe I've had a false sense of security, thinking that it's not so likely to happen again since we've broken all contact with my relatives.

We know it was my sister who actually made the call, but my mom expressed that she was supportive of my sister when I called her on Christmas Day (the last time I talked to her, and the last time I ever plan on talking to her). And this whole hotline-thing seems to have been an offshoot of numerous conversations between my mom, my sister, and my mom's brothers and sister and their kids (all of whom my sister is much closer to than me, because she spent a lot of time being cared for on the family farm due to my mom raising her as a single mom; my sister's 19 years older than me).

So, anyhow, my husband and I decided our best course of action was to just break contact with the whole bunch of them. I'd initially called the one aunt and uncle who don't seem to get as wrapped up in all the gossip, and they have my number now and I think they'd call me if my (84yo) mom's health took a turn for the worse or something ... however, I decided not to make any real effort to keep in touch with them, either, because my aunt did question me about whether we were using a "progressive" curriculum with our oldest, so we could make sure she didn't fall behind her age group.

And I was just vague and said we found all kinds of math and reading programs on the internet.

Anyhow, I was under the impression that CPS would only take a call seriously, if the caller was reporting actual observations. Meaning, if we had mutual friends who were still in touch with both of us (we don't), my mom or sister could take something observed by the mutual acquaintance, and call about that. But I was thinking that since they're so unlikely to hear any new information about our kids, in order to call they'd literally have to fabricate stuff.

Which my sister may very well be capable of doing, I don't know -- but of course that's something I have no control of. But what is your understanding -- can they just call and say, "I'm concerned because she broke all contact with us so we want you to go check on them" -- and would CPS actually make a visit for a call like that? Don't they actually have to have something new to report?

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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