UGH!! MIL rant! Update post #79 - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 87 Old 03-27-2009, 03:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Fyrestorm View Post
Ya know...if it's really important to your DP that his son look like him, your DP can always restore...he would need to wear an ice pack at all times though in an attempt to shrink his penis down to size and he would of course need to man wax all his pubic hair...or you could get the babe a pubic hair toupee

Do you see how ridiculous the look like daddy argument is? Except the restoring part...that could be a good idea.

OMG!!! I can't stop laughing after I read that!!!! May I use that argument with friends??!!
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#62 of 87 Old 03-27-2009, 03:19 PM
 
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OMG!!! I can't stop laughing after I read that!!!! May I use that argument with friends??!!
Absolutely...A friend of mine actually put together a kit for her DH with a TLC tugger, a waxing kit and an Ice pack.

Victim of Birth Rape & Coerced ribboncesarean.gifUnnecesareanribboncesarean.gif What makes people think they can cut up someone else's genitals? nocirc.gif
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#63 of 87 Old 03-27-2009, 03:47 PM
 
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Absolutely...A friend of mine actually put together a kit for her DH with a TLC tugger, a waxing kit and an Ice pack.
laughup:

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#64 of 87 Old 03-27-2009, 03:57 PM
 
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He told me a lot of why he wants it done, which is mostly bc he is cut and he doesn't know what to say when his son asks him why they dont look the same. He would have to admit that something was wrong with either his or his sons penis. I keep telling him to let his son make the decision to have it cut. DH had to have the doc look at his penis once bc he thought he had an STD and he said he was soo embarrassed, he thinks that his son will be too embarrassed to see a doc and have it cut later in life, if he wants it done. In his mind our son is going to want it done. He cant imagine him growing up and being happy uncut.
With a lot of guys, the circ issue is uncomfortable to discuss because they think about their own penis during the discussion (be that intact or cut). What you need to clearly express to your husband is this is not about what is "better" but simply about offering a choice to your son.

If your son REALLY wishes he could be circumcised, he will find a way of talking to a doctor. (because I sure as hell would find a way of talking to a doctor if there was a way I could completely undo my circumcision).

Also tell your husband, if your son ever asks him why their penises look different he can say, "well we wanted you to have control over your own body, and for you to make choices for yourself" or "we had no reason to, because you are perfect as you are, but when I was born they thought otherwise"

This is not about "better" just about noticing that their is nothing wrong with differences, and about celebrating choice
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#65 of 87 Old 03-27-2009, 04:04 PM
 
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When dh got home this morning we argued about it again. He has no reason for wanting except that he is a man with a penis and thats what he wants. He feels I have gone behind his back and made the decision with out him. I have tried to tell him its not medically needed, not one medical community recomends, he doesnt care, he wants it done, and I think its pretty much because of looks. I tired of arguing about the whole thing so I just said fine, you and your mom win, and walked away. I dont know what to do. I have tried imagining what it would be like to change his diaper every day and look at it and it just tears me up!!! I hate what this is doing to our married and relationship. I will not leave my dh for this like some have suggested they would do, I love him but Im dont know what to do!
I was at this point the other day. I got into a huge arguement over circ with my DP. We don't even have a son yet. I basically told him in the coldest most disturbing voice and manner I could muster up that "There's no ****ing way I will let you chop off our sons penis. You will have to pry him from my arms and do it yourself.....I bet you couldn't watch it!"

I told him every reason I could think of not to. He is just as stubborn as me for wanting it done but for what he says is his belief. I said "I think it's disgusting that we are even argueing over this. You will not win this one with me. It's not your penis, you can't decide and that's that."

We finally agreed to disagree. He says fine we will let him decide when he's older. He's trying to tell me we will have to compromise on other parenting practices then too. I can't wait to find out what else I have to stand up for lol....I'm not allowed to bf lol lol lol jk

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#66 of 87 Old 03-28-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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When dh got home this morning we argued about it again. He has no reason for wanting except that he is a man with a penis and thats what he wants. He feels I have gone behind his back and made the decision with out him. I have tried to tell him its not medically needed, not one medical community recomends, he doesnt care, he wants it done, and I think its pretty much because of looks. I tired of arguing about the whole thing so I just said fine, you and your mom win, and walked away. I dont know what to do. I have tried imagining what it would be like to change his diaper every day and look at it and it just tears me up!!! I hate what this is doing to our married and relationship. I will not leave my dh for this like some have suggested they would do, I love him but Im dont know what to do!
No, he and his mom do not win, you get to decide this one, period. Unless both parents want it, it's a no. Be firm, tell him, it is not going to happen. He doesn't have to agree. Tell him it is fine to have an intact boy, your son will be healthy and great, end of story.

Do not compromise yourself, it's not about making other people happy, it is about what is right for your baby.
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#67 of 87 Old 03-28-2009, 11:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well things between us have been much better. Much less stress between the two of us. I havent made any appointment to meet a urologist yet, but we have been busy. Today we were at his moms and our girls saw him pee standing up for the first time. He usually sits at home. It was very funny to see the looks on their face that daddy could stand and pee. Well when we all came out of the bathroom his mom started getting snotty and just said "I dont want to talk about it" Meaning there was something she would like to say about our son and circ. but wanted to act like a b****. She was kind of snotty the rest of the time we were there, which wasnt long. DH didnt catch on to what she was saying but I did. Any way when we got in the car I told him what his mom meaning and all he said was "Oh ok I get it know" I told dh that now matter what we decide its none of his moms business and he needs to tell her that. I dont feel like its my place, although I will say something if I have to. I also told dh that I dont expect him to agree with me that circ is wrong, just to allow his son to decide for himself. I had been wanting to say that to him over the last couple of days but didnt know when.

I dont understand why his mom is sooo for this. I feel like if we dont get it done she plans on treating us and the baby badly as a way of making us want to get it done. dh thinks his mom is afraid our son will get made fun of and not fit it. I told him the only way our son will feel different is if she makes him feel that way and if she does she wont be allowed around him. Thats not fair to him. I didnt think it would be a big deal after he is born and diaper changes but now I am really afraid to allow her to change his diaper. I have no trust for her that she will pay any attention to me on how to care for it.

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#68 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 12:00 AM
 
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I'm sorry hon. This lady sounds like she's got some issues...

I would never let her change your son's diaper - she might just try to sabotage things, you know.

I sure hope you get this worked out with dh and she butts out.
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#69 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 12:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by heamae View Post

I dont understand why his mom is sooo for this.

Is it possible that she feels that by not cutting your son you are saying that she made a bad choice?

If your son is intact and fine, she just might have to come to the realization that she mutilated her own child for no reason.

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#70 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 12:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really dont know what her issue is. She grew up with two brothers and they were not cut. She once told me that her brothers would walk around with their penis's hanging out and that it was gross. She told dh that her brothers were in a swim class in school and they had to swim naked (I find this soo far fetched) and all of her brother's class mates made fun of him. (She says she also had to take said naked swim class, I think she is mixing dreams with reality)

Part of me would like to just go talk to her brother and see how happy he is. But we are not close with that family and it would be very ackward, and I am afraid that if he was retracted too soon and had problems they will think he had problems bc he was intact not bc of improper care.

I have an uncle that is intact and talked to him once and he was uncomfortable but told me he has had issues and would have rather been circ. My aunt later said that there were times he could not perform in the bed room bc it was painful and he saw docs for it. The only thing I can think is that maybe he was retracted too soon causing problems later, and makes me wonder if problems were that bad why didnt he choose to get circ???

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#71 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 12:57 AM
 
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Please show this to both your MIL and your DH.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...65256830319025
It's a PSA by Dr. Dean Edell and I just LOVED it. I can't imagine too many people could watch it and not be totally re-educated.

I'm really loving the one that a PP posted, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEkAg3a0EVE
It talks about a law on the Canadian books that probably shows that infant circumcision is actually against the law and why (because there are no medical benefits and therefore the baby himself should get to decide). Fascinating!
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#72 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 03:52 PM
 
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It is possible for her to find a doctor to do it. My MIL did this. I would highly recommend not having her as a baby sitter. My MIL tricked people in to thinking she had custody of neice when she did not. Also, she tried it with my son. She wanted him baptised in her church so she told the church that my son, a newborn, was living with her. The priest fell for it I have been told. But I never ever left him alone with her so she never got away with it. But she did have a whole baptism planned and scheduled and everything.
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#73 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 06:08 PM
 
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It is possible for her to find a doctor to do it. My MIL did this. I would highly recommend not having her as a baby sitter. My MIL tricked people in to thinking she had custody of neice when she did not. Also, she tried it with my son. She wanted him baptised in her church so she told the church that my son, a newborn, was living with her. The priest fell for it I have been told. But I never ever left him alone with her so she never got away with it. But she did have a whole baptism planned and scheduled and everything.

She planned to have your baby circ'ed behind your back?

Oh, heads would roll.
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#74 of 87 Old 03-29-2009, 09:28 PM
 
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I really dont know what her issue is. She grew up with two brothers and they were not cut. She once told me that her brothers would walk around with their penis's hanging out and that it was gross. She told dh that her brothers were in a swim class in school and they had to swim naked (I find this soo far fetched) and all of her brother's class mates made fun of him. (She says she also had to take said naked swim class, I think she is mixing dreams with reality)

Actually its true, that as late as the 1950's it was not uncommon for boys to swim naked in gym classes. And its not surprising they made fun of her brothers, not only was that a time where nearly all boys were circumcised, there was no "gay fear" like exists today for American teen males. Although American culture has changed A LOT in the last 50 years, and not surprisingly, so has conditions in the boys locker room.

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I have an uncle that is intact and talked to him once and he was uncomfortable but told me he has had issues and would have rather been circ. My aunt later said that there were times he could not perform in the bed room bc it was painful and he saw docs for it. The only thing I can think is that maybe he was retracted too soon causing problems later, and makes me wonder if problems were that bad why didnt he choose to get circ???
The problems boys and men face is not only avoiding circumcision, but also trying to find medical care which would not do them more harm then good. Especially when your uncle grew up the American medical establishment knew nearly nothing about the foreskin, and most of the male doctors never remember having a foreskin themselves. Unfortunately, your uncle's situation is not surprising.
But its clear this is an American problem, not a foreskin problem. When you look at men world wide (the vast majority of who are intact) they live completely healthy lives with no problems with their foreskins.

Protect your son from all these problems he does not need to ever face, and HIM decide if he wants to be circumcised when he can make the decision for himself, because in the end, no one else's opinions matter.
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#75 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 03:06 AM
 
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I don't have any advice, but I would like to say that I think it is down right creepy that she is so obsessed with her grandsons penis. Can you imagine if the tables were turned and a grandfather was so obsessed with what was happening with his granddaughters vagina? It is time for her to mind her own business. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how invasive and in your face she will be when ds is born.
Your job as a mama is to protect your child. I know it sounds extreme, but if you need to keep him away from those who want to harm you baby (MIL) you do it! She is too into this and I wouldn't put it past her to try something (which will more than likely be arranging with your hubby to get it done behind your back...you better warn him what will happen if he does that.)
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#76 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 04:24 AM
 
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be really really careful! my mother took my daughter into her local health dept and had her "caught up" on her vacs by saying she was her mother, and giving and signing my name, within 2 weeks journey stopped signing talking walking eye contact, everything, i found out and went to the police, but of course I was the one doing something wrong by not vaxing. If someone could do that then they can have your son circ to. luckily with alot of time journey is a perfectly functioning 9 yr old and my mother hasnt been around in 7 yrs.
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#77 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 08:23 AM
 
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I worried about my mother trying to retract behind my back until I told her that's what my doctor said to do. Sometimes well-meaning grandmothers can be nasty little.... anyway. I wouldn't trust my MIL to change DS's diaper because she still retracts her intact 5YO grandson! (despite all my telling her it's not what to do).

I'm glad things are better with your DH. Hopefully he can see behind his mother's conniving, backbiting, vengeful attitude. She does not seem like a very happy person to be around! Good luck!!!

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#78 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 11:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Good news!!!! I accidently left this thread up Sat. night and dh happened to read it. Sun he told me he was upset and felt very attacked by everyone on here and that it is our decision. He also said he had some questions but the kids were around and he didnt want to bring it up with them around. Well I prayed about it a lot last night and then the kids were busy and I asked him what he wanted to talk about. He said he looked at some of the videos that were on here and didnt understand retracting and how pee comes out. I went over things with him. Explained that we need to do nothing until our son can retract on his own. He worried what would happen if our son retracted it on his own. I said it would hurt and he would stop. He understand that, like bending your arm back, you will stop when it hurts. He agreed that the main issue would be making sure others dont retract him and I agreed we would just make things very clear to any one that changes him that they do NOTHING. I am usually the one that does 90% of diaper changes any ways so I dont think that will be a problem He finally AGRRED we would leave our son intact. He says he is not happy about it but he doesnt want to fight. I told him I understand and I dont expect him to be anti circ but allow our son to decide. I feel in love with him all over again and he has no idea!!! Im so happy and really feel praying about it last night before talking helped soo much and opened his heart!!! Thanks for all of your support!!!!

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#79 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 11:22 AM
 
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Great update Usually the man will come around in most cases. Only a few are so closed minded they just cant make the leap.

Enjoy the rest of your pg

 
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#80 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 02:17 PM
 
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Congratulations for your son! Be sure and tell DH how proud you are of him and that you know it was difficult for him.

And, be prepared if there ever are any problems for your son to find the info you need to keep him whole. My son has had a yeast infection that was easily treated but looked AWFUL. Cleared up within 10 days but if I didn't know any better I can see how I would have freaked out and listened to any old doc that he needed to be cut. He's also been through a UTI that's taken forever to clear up. After many docs said to cut him we've finally been able to treat it just fine without resorting to surgery.

Sometimes there are problems and it is a never ending battle with most of the medical community. Preparation is the key - I guess I'm saying don't let your guard down.
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#81 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 02:21 PM
 
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Ok, I'm a little weepy. I'm so happy for your son and you. Good job mama. The hardest part of parenting is these battles. When we know what is right for our children we can't back down. You will fight in ways you didn't know you could. You have faced your first battle. And go DH! It isn't easy to give in. Make sure he gets credit for that.
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#82 of 87 Old 03-30-2009, 02:29 PM
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GREAT NEWS !

Quote:
Originally Posted by heamae View Post
I really dont know what her issue is.
I bet she feels that if you leave your son intact it will automatically mean that she had done something very wrong to her son (which she did) and she just doesn't want to face that. Instead, she'd rather had her grandson mutilated as a proof that it *has to be done* and therefore, what she did to her son was right.
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#83 of 87 Old 03-31-2009, 04:04 AM
 
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That really is wonderful news!

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#84 of 87 Old 03-31-2009, 04:22 AM
 
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:::::

I am so happy for you, you have no idea!!!

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#85 of 87 Old 03-31-2009, 04:30 AM
 
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oops double!

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#86 of 87 Old 03-31-2009, 02:14 PM
 
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I'm a Little late to the party....lol. I'm so happy for your outcome! I think it's awesome that you were able to communicate well over this issue, and come to a resolution that you both can live with! How exciting for your baby to be added to the growing number of intact boys! Woo Hoo!

Make sure you tell DH how happy us MDCers are for him! Maybe he won't feel quite so attacked here lol.

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#87 of 87 Old 03-31-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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hazzah!

And for when you leave the thread open again.

Thanks for coming around DH! Your son will love it.

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