Trying to get used to intactness - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 01:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Both my DH and I come from completely circ-ed families. We decided not to circumcise our son, but we both consider "intact" weird. I was a mother's helper when I 9 to an intact boy, and DH and I are God-Parents to a 4 year old boy who is intact. DS is 6 weeks old and we still have trouble getting used it. Has anyone else gone through this?? I want to stop thinking that it looks so weird and foreign

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#2 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 01:51 AM
 
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it wont take much longer. just keep reminding yourself that this is how he naturally and beautifully is and is meant to be. i think now that ds looks just perfect and dp looks odd and weird.

  

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#3 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 01:52 AM
 
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I don't know mama, but big far taking that first step! I guess you will get used to it? Maybe changing your mental language from "uncirc" to "intact" might help, if you haven't already done so.

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#4 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 01:53 AM
 
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Both my DH and I come from completely circ-ed families. We decided not to circumcise our son, but we both consider "intact" weird. I was a mother's helper when I 9 to an intact boy, and DH and I are God-Parents to a 4 year old boy who is intact. DS is 6 weeks old and we still have trouble getting used it. Has anyone else gone through this?? I want to stop thinking that it looks so weird and foreign

1 Technically ::::
1 Unrelated pretending to be a big brother
Congratulations on the birth of your ds!:

What you're feeling is completely understandable. After all, we grew up in a circ culture. Our children will not feel this way because they're going to grow up differently.

After getting use to the 'intact', circ'd became weird. As if seeing glans was something sooooo personal and, well... kind of offensive to see on a child because exposed glans is only seen on an intact adult male. Either during his hygienic routine or when he is aroused.

Infants do not expose their glans because the foreskin is bonded to the glans. The synechia should NEVER be broken. It will naturally separate. Bonded now because its still developing just like we're not separating a newborn kittens eyes because its still developing. If we did, it would damage the developing organ.

The more you understand the natural body, it will become more normal for you and circ'd will become unnatural.


You probably know this already since you've cared for an intact male infant / child b4, but just to be sure: All you need to do is wipe like a finger and carefully watch out for doctors who might retract him. The only person who should retract the foreskin is your ds. By the time its retractable, he will be able to handle his own penis all by himself. Average age for retraction is 10.5 yrs. My 6 yr old was almost fully retractable when he was 5. I don't know how retractable he is now because he takes his own shower. When he was 5 he was taught to Retract Rinse Replace. This is just 'for practice'. It'll only be necessary when he becomes a teen.

Think of it this way, we're not putting deodorant on our children because they don't need it. When the hormones kick, a daily hygienic routine regarding Retract Rinse Replace will be sufficient. Adolescence will be the time when they're doing their own routine. They won't be neglecting their growing parts, trust me. Why do you think they take such long showers?

Ok, I'll be quiet now. I'm just so happy another little guy was spared from an unwarranted genital reduction surgery.
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#5 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 02:06 AM
 
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not sure this will help but since you've had more exposure to what the intact infant looks like, you should be able to get accustom to what a natural penis looks like a whole lot quicker than a mother who has never seen an intact penis before. With that said, tell yourself, "That is what a normal infant penis looks like. An intact adult penis can bare his glans and look circ'd (without the scar) but an intact infant can't." It becomes a respectful image, y'k... modest, once its put into perspective.

Again, not sure if that will help... Hope it will.
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#6 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 10:00 AM
 
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I have always had an adverse reaction to circumcision, ever since I learned what it was - which was long before I'd ever seen any penis. My instincts have just led me to be against it.

That said, one thing that really made circumcised totally wrong to me was when i heard a European explain that the only time you see the glans of a penis is during sexual arousal. She had just seen her first circumcised infant and she was recounting how utterly wrong it was to see a baby look sexual. It was a real lightbulb moment for me.

I have two daughters and an intact baby son and he looks completely normal to me. For me, he has always been as he should be.

I can certainly understand how cultural exposure to only circ can make it odd to normalize intact though.

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#7 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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I have always had an adverse reaction to circumcision, ever since I learned what it was - which was long before I'd ever seen any penis. My instincts have just led me to be against it.

That said, one thing that really made circumcised totally wrong to me was when i heard a European explain that the only time you see the glans of a penis is during sexual arousal. She had just seen her first circumcised infant and she was recounting how utterly wrong it was to see a baby look sexual. It was a real lightbulb moment for me.

I have two daughters and an intact baby son and he looks completely normal to me. For me, he has always been as he should be.

I can certainly understand how cultural exposure to only circ can make it odd to normalize intact though.
*bolding mine*

I don't even have an intact son or husband (my son was circ'd without my knowledge of what was going on), yet even after just seeing photos and gifs of an intact penis, I feel the same way. In a circumcised male, the glans is always naked, so to speak.. and it's not supposed to be.

And this may sound a little strange.. but to me, the equivalent to a continously exposed glans on a naked male (child or adult) would be a naked female walking around while spreading her labia open, purposely exposing her clitoris. Does that thought make you feel uncomfortable? Wouldn't it seem abnormal to you?

If your answer is "yes", why shouldn't it be the same for a male? It should be the same.. because it IS the same.

Some parts are simply NOT meant to be seen in full unless in a sexual manner or during hygiene (excluding in the context of medicine). The clitoris and glans are meant to be internal organs. That is the normal and it's such a shame that so many do not see the normal intact male in the same manner as an intact female.

Congratulations on your new baby boy!!! :
I promise you that his penis will become more "normal" to you with time.

Wife and mother to 2 kiddos - 17 yr old DS jammin.gifand 13 yr old DD energy.gif.. and a cat that thinks he's a dog dizzy.gif
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#8 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 10:53 AM
 
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You will get used to it and soon seeing a circed boy will look odd. You will start associating the exposure of the glans to your dh's sexually mature penis and you will associate pre-pubescent penises with intact.

Momma to DS (2/08) and #2 due 10/11.
 
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#9 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 11:37 AM
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I have the cure for your family!
If you watch the video of the actual procedure http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...57516627632617 you will see what kind of sexual abuse your dh was put through as a helpless infant. I promise you that after this you will look at circ baby penises as being weird and mutilated.
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#10 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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I know what you mean. My ex-partner was European and was intact and I loved him dearly but it was such an odd sight to my eyes. But telling myself it was natural and normal that way was helpful. And I did get used to it...but it just took a while.

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
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#11 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 12:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tutucrazy View Post
You will get used to it and soon seeing a circed boy will look odd. You will start associating the exposure of the glans to your dh's sexually mature penis and you will associate pre-pubescent penises with intact.
:
I was in the same boat as you OP. Grew up in a family where everyone was either circed or female. Even my ahem "experiences" with penii included only circed(including eventually my dh), so to me that looked normal.

When I found out my first baby was going to be a boy I researched circ and no way no how was that happening to my baby.

He was the first baby boy I had ever cared for so after a while my brain just accepted intact to be normal for a baby/child. I still think my dh looks normal, I think it is because he is an adult and what I am used to in that respect. But on the rare occasion I see a circed child(we are in a low circ area) it is actually shocking to me to see and I am taken aback.

Even if a circed adult never looks "wrong" to you, it doesn't mean you won't eventually see an intact child as the way it is supposed to be.

Take care!
Tara

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#12 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 02:27 PM
 
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:
I was in the same boat as you OP. Grew up in a family where everyone was either circed or female. Even my ahem "experiences" with penii included only circed(including eventually my dh), so to me that looked normal.

When I found out my first baby was going to be a boy I researched circ and no way no how was that happening to my baby.

He was the first baby boy I had ever cared for so after a while my brain just accepted intact to be normal for a baby/child. I still think my dh looks normal, I think it is because he is an adult and what I am used to in that respect. But on the rare occasion I see a circed child(we are in a low circ area) it is actually shocking to me to see and I am taken aback.

Even if a circed adult never looks "wrong" to you, it doesn't mean you won't eventually see an intact child as the way it is supposed to be.

Take care!
Tara
Exactly what she said. It took me a couple months to get used to my DS's intactness, but now I think it's weird to see a circ'd baby or little boy. It just looks so unnatural after taking care of DS. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
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#13 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 03:43 PM
 
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That said, one thing that really made circumcised totally wrong to me was when i heard a European explain that the only time you see the glans of a penis is during sexual arousal. She had just seen her first circumcised infant and she was recounting how utterly wrong it was to see a baby look sexual. It was a real lightbulb moment for me.
This is exactly how I felt after awhile...

At first, my son was just my son and I didn't really think about the fact that he had a foreskin. He just seemed...perfect...you know? But when I started seem my friends' little boys who were circumcised or changing diapers in the nursery at church, it made me feel VERY uncomfortable that I was seeing their exposed glans. My son is 2 and I've never seen his glans...and honestly, the thought of seeing it freaks me out a little. That's a very private thing that is meant to remain private. The only glans that I ever see is my husband's and that's because I'm meant to see it during a very intimate, private time. Seeing a little boy's now just seems very strange and uncomfortable.

I'm sure it won't take you very long at all to feel the same way.

Congrats on the baby...and on making a wonderful decision to leave him intact!
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#14 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 05:10 PM
 
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Have you ever wondered why there is European comfort level with nudity yet in the US we are very uptight about nudity.

I am speculating that nude beaches are appropriate for men and women because men have their intimate parts covered just as women do. If woman was on a nude beach in Europe with her legs apart showing her inner bits, I think the polulation would find that offensive. Just a guess.

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#15 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 06:05 PM
 
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Both my DH and I come from completely circ-ed families. We decided not to circumcise our son, but we both consider "intact" weird. I was a mother's helper when I 9 to an intact boy, and DH and I are God-Parents to a 4 year old boy who is intact. DS is 6 weeks old and we still have trouble getting used it. Has anyone else gone through this?? I want to stop thinking that it looks so weird and foreign

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Well, what about is weird to you?

There are many fathers (and mothers) who probably have never seen the genitals of the opposite gender in infant form before having kids. A father may not be use to his new baby girl's body, but its something he deals with, its not too big a deal.

What about this is so upsetting, yeah it might be "weird" but what exactly is your actual problem with this?
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#16 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 10:24 PM
 
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You made him, he's perfect. After a while it will seem perfectly normal to you. Congratulations on leaving your babe intact
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#17 of 42 Old 06-01-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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Just wanted to pass along this thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...893&highlight=

::::

Momma to DS (2/08) and #2 due 10/11.
 
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I'd only seen circed adult penises in my wild and crazy youth (well, the one intact one I didn't get much opportunity to examine in detail), so I know where you're coming from.

But -- I think there's a huge difference between seeing old circs and new circs. The first several times I was around baby boys who had been circed, I was horrified -- I saw red, yucky WOUNDS. Like a skinned animal.

If you can stand it, watch the circ videos and google for pix of circed babies -- you'll see when you look at the babies how wrong circ really is, how much of an injury it really is. Way different from looking at scarred but healed over adult penises.

And CONGRATS on having the courage to leave your son intact! You absolutely did the right thing. :

Come visit the NEW QuirkyBaby website -- earn QB Bucks rewards points for purchases, reviews, referrals, and more! Free US shipping on great brands of baby slings and carriers and FREE BabyLegs or babywearing mirror on orders of $100+. Take the QB Quiz for personalized advice!

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#19 of 42 Old 06-02-2009, 10:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AspieMom View Post
we both consider "intact" weird.
I had another thought about particularly this part of your post. Don't most genitals intact or cut, male or female, look kind of "weird" anyway? I think they do . I have always been able to admire the male and female form openly, as in that person has beautiful eyes, hair, curves, butt, legs, breasts, smile ect. But I have never once thought oh my, what a beautiful vulva or penis.

To me those body parts are about function not form. Maybe if you think of it more in that context, it might help. Does your sons penis work(urinate)? That's all that matters really.

Take care!
Tara

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#20 of 42 Old 06-02-2009, 10:54 AM
 
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He was the first baby boy I had ever cared for so after a while my brain just accepted intact to be normal for a baby/child. I still think my dh looks normal, I think it is because he is an adult and what I am used to in that respect. But on the rare occasion I see a circed child(we are in a low circ area) it is actually shocking to me to see and I am taken aback.

Even if a circed adult never looks "wrong" to you, it doesn't mean you won't eventually see an intact child as the way it is supposed to be.
: My dh is circed and he looks pretty normal to me. He does have a loose foreskin though. I don't even have any sons and an intact child's penis looks normal. But when I see a circed boy's penis I feel downright ill. It doesn't look right to see that on a baby.

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#21 of 42 Old 06-02-2009, 12:16 PM
 
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But I have never once thought oh my, what a beautiful vulva or penis.

Take care!
Tara
lmao! so true! genitals aren't for looks.

Momma to DS (2/08) and #2 due 10/11.
 
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#22 of 42 Old 06-02-2009, 01:31 PM
 
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Oh come on, haven't you thought your baby's little private bits are cute - just because they are so little and.....well.....just another adorable part of your baby!!!!!!

I happen to think that babies are totally adorable from head to toe!!! Just so cute you want to gobble them up!

But on a serious note, I totally get what you all are saying. I think the human form in it's entirity is a beauty to behold but when you begin to separate out it's individual parts for close up examination, it lessens in appeal. It's got to be a whole package I think.
Am I making any sense?

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#23 of 42 Old 06-02-2009, 02:13 PM
 
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My new son is intact, and DH deferred to my decision, but has been struggling w/ the same issue of thinking it looks "weird". But I know from experience that the more you see intact, the more it seems normal:

I worked in a hospital nursery most of last year, with a population where most little boys are left intact. After several hundred diaper changes on intact babies, the circ'ed babies def started to look "weird" to me. Just so exposed.

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#24 of 42 Old 06-02-2009, 02:46 PM
 
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OP- have you read up on caring for an intact penis. You do not need to and actually should not retract your son's foreskin. So you don't need to get used to caring for it or anything. (just making sure on that)

I guess time will help.

I have the opposite experience. As soon as I saw an intact penis I remember thinking how "normal" it looked. It looks natural to me. But I don't know why that was my response. Just give it time.
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#25 of 42 Old 06-03-2009, 01:40 AM
 
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Newborn genitals look weird to me. DD looked weird for a few months, and so did DS. I thought it was kind of funny the DS's penis did look an awful lot like a carrot that was just glued on ( I remember reading some silly excerpt from some book while pregnant that compared intact babies to carrots and I thought "how gross". Turned out it was kinda true.)

What was really weird was when DH's circumcised penis started looking abnormal to me. (It makes me a little sad.)

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#26 of 42 Old 06-05-2009, 02:13 AM
 
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Oh come on, haven't you thought your baby's little private bits are cute - just because they are so little and.....well.....just another adorable part of your baby!!!!!!

I happen to think that babies are totally adorable from head to toe!!! Just so cute you want to gobble them up!
Oh yeah! I think my son totally adorable, every single part. It's just the adult genitals that aren't so cute. haha.

Funny you should say this b/c my dh often comments on how handsomely intact ds is when he sees me dressing him after his bath. He feels proud that our ds is a whole little man.

Momma to DS (2/08) and #2 due 10/11.
 
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#27 of 42 Old 06-05-2009, 01:08 PM
 
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i've always thought it looked normal. it was only until somebody else brought it up, i thought it might look "weird." circumcised penises to me look like something is wrong.

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#28 of 42 Old 06-09-2009, 03:11 PM
 
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I don't know mama, but big far taking that first step! I guess you will get used to it? Maybe changing your mental language from "uncirc" to "intact" might help, if you haven't already done so.
Nerdymom- Thanks for pointing this out--this is so important. I am changing my language today! After reading this I realize how much "Uncirc" sounds like there is something wrong.

OP-I felt like you do, I had never seen an intact male in my life. My son is 5 now and what used to look strange to me now seems normal and healthy. Leaving my son intact has completely changed my view of what a normal baby boy looks like. You'll get there, too.
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#29 of 42 Old 06-20-2009, 06:00 PM
 
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my first son is circ'ed, but my second will not be. my father and brother were not circumcised so you would think i would be used to it, however i know how you feel. all of my friends babies are intact, and it looks so funny to me, mostly because i am used to how ds looks. but i think once i have my intact son i will quickly get used to it!
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#30 of 42 Old 06-20-2009, 06:20 PM
 
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it wont take much longer. just keep reminding yourself that this is how he naturally and beautifully is and is meant to be. i think now that ds looks just perfect and dp looks odd and weird.


i grew up in an intact household and i have to agree

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