My baby boy, that I prayed for, wished for, hoped for and dreamed about for 3 long years of TTC, was born on November 30, 2006. He was not circed in the hospital because apparently here (Las Vegas) they don't do it in the hospital anymore...he had an appointment to have it done by my OB the Monday after his birth (he was born on Thursday) but he ended up being admitted to the NICU (unneccessarily, but that is another story) on Saturday, December 2 and staying for 7 days (for no reason), so I cancelled that appointment. I wish I could stop right here and say that is the end of the story, but of course it isn't, or I wouldn't be posting on this thread, would I?
He was released from the NICU on Saturday, December 9, and had a follow-up appointment with the pediatrician on Tuesday. At that appointment, another was made for the circ to be done on December 19. I had asked my husband before he was born if he thought we should circ him, and he said, "OF COURSE!" Of course, my husband is circed.
I didn't research it. Almost every man I know or have ever known has been circed. Only one I knew hadn't been, and he told me it had taken him years to get over the "shame" he felt at being "different" than everyone else. So, I didn't research it. I didn't bother to find out what is really done, or what is taken, and what a crime it is.
I tried so hard to be the best mommy in the world to my baby. I EBF him, even though that meant Epumping for almost a month while he was in the NICU and after, until he learned to latch on to the breast after being used to the bottle in the NICU. I sleep with him, I hold him all the time, I never let him cry. I never would want him to feel a moment of sadness or pain. So, why, why, why did I not look for the truth? I listened to everyone who told me "you have to do it!" I listened to my husband, to my mom and grandmother, to the pediatrician, to the visiting nurse who was assigned to come and check on my baby after we came home from the hospital. Deep inside, I now know my mama intuition was trying to tell me it wasn't right. I kept saying, "Are you sure we have to?" And EVERYWHERE, I was told, "YES!" But, I don't blame anyone who told me, "You have to!" I am not the sort of person who will normally accept stuff at face value. This is why it kills me even more that I just went ahead and let this happen to my baby.
December 19 came and we took him to his appointment. As we sat in the room waiting for the doctor, I remember the fear I felt, and I kept saying to my husband, "Are you sure he HAS to have this done? Are you SO HAPPY that you're circumsized?" and things like that. He kept telling me, "YES, stop it, calm down, this is going to happen no matter what." The doctor came in, and I left the room, but I made my husband stay. I paced up and down the hallway. I heard my son cry once, but that was all. Later my husband told me he only cried when they injected him with the pain killer or whatever it was. That does not make me feel any better, though.
When it was over I came back in. My baby's foreskin was there on the table and the doctor asked us if we wanted to keep it. Yes I wanted to keep it...on my baby. I can still picture it now in my head. I am fighting back tears as I am writing this...it seemed like so much skin. How could I have let this happen? I knew it was wrong, but still I was in denial. It wasn't until I found MDC that I began to realize the true horror of what I had stood by and allowed to happen to my precious, innocent baby boy. Way too late.
I looked at his pictures last night from when he was born and he was so perfect then. I have been dreaming at night that I am there in the doctor's office again, but this time I grab my baby and leave before it can happen to him. I only wish that were true. I hope with all my heart my son will forgive me for not protecting him and keeping him whole, because I am sorrier for it than I have ever been about anything else in the entire 31 years I have been on this planet.
Mommy is so, so sorry, Jackson. I know that is not enough, that nothing will ever bring back what was taken from you. I should have protected you better. But I hope you know that I love you more than anything in the world and I never would have let this happen if I had known then what I know now.