Would appreciate your feedback...(final update #36) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 49 Old 10-22-2009, 10:29 PM
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Read this. do NOT show it to your dh, though.

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/v...ty_of_men.html

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#32 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 10:21 AM
 
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Sounds like things are going better! Keep up the great work mama!

Three boys.  jumpers.gif
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#33 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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So wait...he circ'd his sons because he didn't want them to get made fun of, yet he didn't do it to himself at any point? Why didn't he do it to himself? I know you can't actually ask that, but really, I bet he was scared of getting it done, afraid of the pain or something. Which means, he was scared of it hurting him, so he did it to his newborns who didn't even have the benefit of anesthesia or good pain meds? Nice.

Btw, that is NOT the norm. My ex brother in laws are not circ'd and they grew up when most boys were still being cut. They have never been made fun of, the most they've gotten is curiosity about it. With fewer and fewer boys being circ'd now, its even more unlikely.

Also, I'd have him think about this: would he really went his son to be with a woman who was so superficial, she would say things about how his penis looks? I know I wouldn't. I'd say at least 95% of the female population doesn't care either. Those who do are the odd ones out, especially today. I mean again, half of boys arn't circ'd in the US, girls are going to be much more used to seeing an intact boy than they were even 20 years ago.

I don't know where you live but the numbers also vary a lot by region. You may be able to use that to your advantage if you're in certain areas, in others you probably don't want to mention it. For instance, I live in the Seattle area and only about 30% of boys are circ'd here. In my sons class, only a couple appear to be and when its been randomly brought up in moms groups, most of the boys arent cut either.

Cari-mama to Eriq, Lile, Paikea, Kaidyn, and Mieke is here!! 2/9/10
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#34 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 07:23 PM
 
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I love this site b/c it is a government site and people tend to take it more seriously than a "propaganda" site. It is kind of equivalent to the AAP but for Canada:

http://www.cps.ca/caringforkids/preg...rcumcision.htm

Quote:
Of every 1,000 boys who are circumcised:

*

20 to 30 will have a surgical complication, such as too much bleeding or infection in the area.
*

2 to 3 will have a more serious complication that needs more treatment. Examples include having too much skin removed or more serious bleeding.
*

2 will be admitted to hospital for a urinary tract infection (UTI) before they are one year old.
* About 10 babies may need to have the circumcision done again because of a poor result.

In rare cases, pain relief methods and medicines can cause side effects and complications. You should talk to your baby’s doctor about the possible risks.
Quote:
Pain relief:

* Newborn babies do feel pain. Without pain relief, circumcision is painful. Acetaminophen (such as Tempra or Tylenol) or EMLA cream, which numbs the skin, won’t be enough.

Mom of 3 sons and one daughter
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#35 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 07:39 PM
 
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If he is worried about being made fun of by his peers for being intact, then he would probably be even more concerned about an extremely small penis caused by circumcision:

Inconspicuous Penis
Related concepts:
Absent penis, Buried penis, Concealed penis, Hidden penis, Micropenis, Penile agenesis, Trapped penis, Webbed penis

Who gets it?
Boys can be born with a webbed penis, or the condition can result from an over-exuberant circumcision where adhesions form between the scrotal skin and the penile skin. Webbed penis usually causes no problems (unless a routine circumcision is later performed).

Some children are born with a concealed penis (also known as buried penis or hidden penis), and for some it happens after circumcision. It is common in infants and toddlers, and occasionally seen in older children and obese adolescents.

Children are not born with trapped penis; circumcision causes it. Routine circumcision of a webbed penis or circumcision when there is significant scrotal swelling (from a hydrocele or hernia) can lead to trapped penis.

http://www.drgreene.com/21_1125.html

Mom of 3 sons and one daughter
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#36 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, the final update...

I called him at work this morning about something completely different and asked what he was doing. He replied "finishing my research for our circumcision conversation tonight." I just said "ok" and left it at that since I had no idea what his "research" could be.

He walked in tonight and came right up to me to say "I've decided that our son will have an uncircumcised penis and that's all I'll say about that." To which I said "huh? what caused the switch?" I got a "I've done my research and I don't really want to discuss it." I started with something along the lines of "it's not YOUR decision to make", but then I realized it was a lose-lose thing of me just not appreciating his weird I-rule-the-home tone (which is so far from being true) and dropped it.

During dinner I said something about being interested in what caused the change of heart and he said that he will tell me someday, but right now he's too "emotionally exhausted" over the topic. So, I'm dropping it and moving on.

Yay! I'm glad it's over and we shook on it.

Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
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#37 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 10:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AfricanQueen99 View Post
So, the final update...

I called him at work this morning about something completely different and asked what he was doing. He replied "finishing my research for our circumcision conversation tonight." I just said "ok" and left it at that since I had no idea what his "research" could be.

He walked in tonight and came right up to me to say "I've decided that our son will have an uncircumcised penis and that's all I'll say about that." To which I said "huh? what caused the switch?" I got a "I've done my research and I don't really want to discuss it." I started with something along the lines of "it's not YOUR decision to make", but then I realized it was a lose-lose thing of me just not appreciating his weird I-rule-the-home tone (which is so far from being true) and dropped it.

During dinner I said something about being interested in what caused the change of heart and he said that he will tell me someday, but right now he's too "emotionally exhausted" over the topic. So, I'm dropping it and moving on.

Yay! I'm glad it's over and we shook on it.
Sounds like he thinking about what he lost. Well whatever it is give him time. And when the time is right, if that is what it is, make sure he knows that it's not about what happened to him.
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#38 of 49 Old 10-23-2009, 10:39 PM
 
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Glad to hear the issue was settled

Mom of 3 sons and one daughter
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#39 of 49 Old 10-24-2009, 01:03 AM
 
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I would also put out pamphlets on the intact penis and how normal it is. I've heard the bathroom is a good place.

As for when he said that he decided not to have the foreskin removed, it sounds like he heard the circumcision video.

My ex and I didn't fight about it. Once he read in the newspaper that it wasn't medically necessary, he knew that he would lose any argument with me. I don't think he really came around until he heard that baby crying in the circumcision video a few years after our son was born.

Give your dh time. He will eventually get it. And be happy that it wasn't done to his son.
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#40 of 49 Old 10-24-2009, 01:25 AM
 
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Wow, what a change. I'm very glad he took the initiative and researched it on his own! Good for him!

I also agree, it sounds like he is upset over something-he might be grieving what he lost, he might be upset over the pain he was caused, heck, he might just be upset that he was always told it was needed and now he knows it isn't. I agree though, just leave him be and allow him to tell you when he is ready.

I honestly wouldn't push anything else with him now. Once he opens up to you, you can bring up stuff, possibly. Or once the baby is getting close to being here, just make sure he read up on how to take care of the intact penis. That's about all I'd do personally.

Cari-mama to Eriq, Lile, Paikea, Kaidyn, and Mieke is here!! 2/9/10
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#41 of 49 Old 10-24-2009, 05:22 AM
 
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That's great news. He'll explain it to eventually - you sound really patient (giving him lots of time) and I'm sure he appreciates that although you've been firm, you've given him his space too.
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#42 of 49 Old 10-24-2009, 05:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, I think he didn't want to talk about it for a couple of reasons:
1. thinking about what happened to him without thought about his feelings
2. didn't want to hear/say that I was right
3. just being *done* with it.

It's fine. I gave him information on caring for an intact penis in my initial letter (yes, it was delivered with attachments!). So we will just move on and I'll patiently wait for him to tell me.

Thanks for your support, all. It was really nice to be able to put my thoughts together before taking them to my husband.

Angela
Chatty Girl - 3/2006, Lovey Boy - 1/2010, Delicious Baby Girl - 1/2012
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#43 of 49 Old 10-24-2009, 09:44 PM
 
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I'm glad that it worked out!

Wife, mom to DS (4), DD (2) and baby heart 2.7.13

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#44 of 49 Old 10-24-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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Awesome update! It really doesn't matter WHY he wants to leave little man intact--that main thing is that he is on board! Congrats!
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#45 of 49 Old 10-26-2009, 01:22 AM
 
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I am glad that your son will remain with his foreskin.

Now that the decision against circumcision has been made for your baby boy, it's probably the end of thinking about infant circumcision for you. It's most likely just the beginning for your husband.

If he's truly researched it, he now knows that he himself has lost a very highly sensitive part of his body. He knows the function of the foreskin and that he lacks that function. He knows that he's never experienced sex as it was meant to be and he never will. He knows that something was taken from him without his consent at his most vulnerable time - a helpless infant. He knows that his parents didn't protect him and instead, invited this upon him (unless it was done without their consent or done under coercion.) He knows that the medical community can be seriously wrong and he may become distrustful of them. (Ever wonder why men are so hesitant to go to the doctor? I wonder if it is because of the negative association from the primal wound inflicted upon their sex organ as infants that they avoid doctors?)

I can only imagine what a heavy load this is to process for a circumcised man that learns the truth.

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#46 of 49 Old 10-26-2009, 01:24 AM
 
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I wanted to say that I am deeply sorry for your husband to have to learn this information and have to process it all. Circumcision is a wound upon a baby that ripples out to effect so many people. I get personally saddened by this issue every time I hear of it.

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#47 of 49 Old 10-26-2009, 01:43 AM
 
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What a great final update!!!!!! You handled this very calmly, rationally and respectfully - I am super impressed as this is hard to do with such an emotionally charged issue AND with pregnancy hormones to boot! Nicely done.
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#48 of 49 Old 10-26-2009, 09:57 AM
 
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I'm so glad everything's working out for you guys. I'm just starting my fight with my DH. I personally would love to do the letter-thing (my preferred method of communication), but DH hates reading anything even somewhat lengthy - especially if there's emotional baggage attached to the topic. He just gets upset and confused and won't focus on what's being explained.

I'm really not sure how to approach this. He's the type to dig in his heels and rarely responds to logic in a positive way. I'm hoping if I bring it up weekly, he'll eventually start analyzing how he feels or do some research.

Always,
Jill

Mom to DD (6/08), DS (3/10), and babyf.gifdue 6/12

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#49 of 49 Old 10-26-2009, 07:14 PM
 
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I'm so so so happy you and your DH are now on the same page! I think your letter was amazing and I'm glad DH took the time to read and research. Yeah for intact boys!!!

Homebirthing, cloth-diapering, babywearing crunchy mama of 2 little loves.
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