hard decision - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
arianascrunchymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: central FL
Posts: 156
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I posted on here probably about a month ago about DH being adamantly pro-circ and I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. We're in counseling right now because the circumcision debate caused a huge rift in our relationship. It got to the point where we agreed that if we couldn't make a decision we wouldn't have any more kids together- something we both desperately want. Neither one of us is content with only one child (regardless of how much joy and love DD brings us), so we brought up divorce. Now we have other issues to work out, but that's a whole 'nother post!

Since DD's birth I've been the one doing the legwork as far as researching parenting decisions, but I thought I made an effort to make DH feel included in the final say. We don't vax, we're ERF and EBF. I had a pretty traumatic hospital birth (vaginal, but I was a body in a bed hooked up to monitors instead of a laboring woman) so I also am passionate about having a HB next time around. DH was hesitant because of a lack of knowledge and mainstream "brainwashing" so I brought over a local midwife to talk with us. He asked a ton of questions and in the end gave the green light.

He's read all my links, watched a few circ videos, read the history and all the statistics AND even done his own research (which ended up being pro-circ biased websites). His main problem with having an intact son is that a) he's circ'd so he wouldn't know how to teach him how to clean himself and b) he would hate for our maybe future son to be rejected/teased by girls over a decision we made. DH dealt with a lot of rejection when he was a teenager so I understand his need to protect his children from the same fate... I really do. He threw out this ultimatum that has my mind reeling: "You always get your way, so how about we compromise: if we can have a hospital birth, we can leave any sons intact."

Part of me wants to jump all over that, but the other part vividly recalls crying and yelling at the nurses and gets chills when I think about setting foot in a hospital to give birth again. I can always "accidentally" wait to long to go to the hospital, but that's dishonest and I want DH to be an active participant in a HB. Then again, I could "let him get his way" and say yes to circumcising and pray that he has a change of heart once we're dealing with a real, live child rather than a hypothetical one.

help!

~Courtney~
IBCLC to be & newly single mama to Ariana Raen 8/31/08
arianascrunchymama is offline  
#2 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:13 PM
 
Shellie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 537
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In your situation, I might do it. Sort of a compromise. Of course my feminist side disagrees. Although I do want to point out that you can have a wonderful hospital birth--I had one after a traumatic one.

I fail to understand men who so adamantly want to circ even after knowing the facts and seeing modern circ rates, etc. In our family, dh is circed and our two sons aren't. Teaching them how to clean themselves? A non-issue until they're retractable and then it's as simple as me saying "swish some water around when you pull your foreskin back."

Does your dh know there's no special care and that in some parts of the US, circed boys are the minority or close to it?

Shellie
Declutter - 789/2010 (counting the stuff on my porch waiting for a Freecycler to pick it up! )
Shellie is offline  
#3 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:23 PM
 
AustinMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 896
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with original poster on the circ point. Intact boys make up the majority. And, no extra "help" is needed to teach a boy how to clean properly it's pretty much, swish water with skin pulled back, no biggie.

As far as being teased, kids are going to tease other kids regardless. He can be too tall, too short, different clothes, etc. Parents can't prevent that. Sorry to rain on his parade.

As far as the compromise goes, I feel that's a crappy one. I believe the way the baby comes into the world should be mostly up to the mom, after all, it is you who has the baby, not him, and you who needs to feel comfortable doing do in order to not have a traumatic birth. That's wrong of him to use that as a bargaining chip, to me, it's not a chip available to him.

Maybe have a talk with your Ped about it. The AAP says it's cosmetic surgery and not needed. If he wants, the Ped can show him how to clean himself on his yearly check up.

My hub is circ-ed and our son is intact. In short, I believe that skin is there for a reason, and most men would agree with that.
AustinMom is offline  
#4 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:41 PM
 
Friday13th's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Sprawl
Posts: 913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Have you tried taking the angle that this isn't a decision either one of you have the right to be making?

The penis in question belongs to your child and it is his decision to as to what he wants to do with it, you are simply preserving it in its intact state until he is old enough to tackle the issue.

I would not compromise my birth experience but I also strongly feel that performing cosmetic surgery on our children is not a right that belongs to DH or myself.

And for what it's worth DH is intact and had a circumcised father, he figured out the cleaning thing and was not traumatized by a childhood in a town where the vast majority of boys were circumcised.

Alison: BFing, BWing, ERFing mama to KidA (12/25/07) and KidO (6/26/10) nocirc.giffamilybed2.gif

Friday13th is offline  
#5 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:44 PM
 
mommy2two babes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,621
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree that that is crappy compromise.
Do you think that he really wants a hospital birth or he just thinks you want a HB more than you don't want circ?

Honestly I would be willing to have hosp birth if that was the only compromise I could make work. ( this from someone really traumatized by hospitals) I also think that if it came down to it and my DH knowing how I felt would back down and opt for the HB anyways.

Mommy to Petunia 11/04 Bug 10/06 Button 11/09 and  Sweetie pea 12/11 DW to J :

mommy2two babes is offline  
#6 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
arianascrunchymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: central FL
Posts: 156
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know all this, and I've tried telling him! I think my exact words were "yeah, because it's really hard to ask a teenage boy to play with himself in the shower!" He does tune me out after a while and gets very defensive. I don't know how to bring up his own vulnerability without making him feel picked apart. He's VERY defensive of his mother so I think a very large part of it is somehow validating his mother's decision (she was 16 when he was born) to have him circumcised.

I definitely feel that where and how other children get brought into the world should be my decision especially since he was the one siding the with nurses and sleeping on the pull out bed in my hospital room! But this is the first time he's offered to give a little so I'm thinking of jumping on it. Maybe the best thing to do is just leave it undecided since we're not even TTC and hope and pray for him to come around.

~Courtney~
IBCLC to be & newly single mama to Ariana Raen 8/31/08
arianascrunchymama is offline  
#7 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:48 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,862
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly, I'd tell him that I would birth the way I choose, and my son would have a penis in a state that he (my son) chose. And then I would end the discussion. Neither cutting off part of my baby's body nor my comfort during birth are topics up for compromise.

For the record, your husband is grasping at straws in his arguments and he knows it. Any reliable medical source (even ones that treat circing as neutral or potentially positive) tell you that you don't need to do anything special to clean an intact penis. There is no need for your husband to teach your son anything. As for the rejection argument - what if he is rejected/teased because he is circ'ed?
eclipse is offline  
#8 of 61 Old 03-06-2010, 11:58 PM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,785
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
agree with eclipse tell him how you feel one final time (that it will not be done period) then drop it. When/if the time comes leave your ds intact and deal with it then.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
#9 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 12:06 AM
 
Shellie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 537
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For some reason I thought you were already pg and expecting a boy! In that case, I think you have time to convince him. I personally wouldn't get pregnant again till you do. He's being really stubborn (no offense...my dh can be too about certain things) but it sounds like if you can get him to open his mind a bit, maybe he will come around. It would be really sad if you had to stop having kids due to this disagreement but as a mom I would never back down on nocirc.

You can point out that choosing to leave any future sons' foreskins intact is not the same as saying his mother made a mistake. When we know better, we do better.

Shellie
Declutter - 789/2010 (counting the stuff on my porch waiting for a Freecycler to pick it up! )
Shellie is offline  
#10 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 12:11 AM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,162
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If he's saying he'll leave the boy intact if you birth in a hospital, then he's also saying that circ isn't that important to him. What's important to him is being in control.
2xy is offline  
#11 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 12:20 AM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,862
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
If he's saying he'll leave the boy intact if you birth in a hospital, then he's also saying that circ isn't that important to him. What's important to him is being in control.
yep.

I also missed that you aren't even pregnant right now. I just wouldn't talk to him about it anymore, period.
eclipse is offline  
#12 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 12:53 AM
Bea
 
Bea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 349
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How does he cope with being the father of a daughter given that they have such different genitals?

How will he cope with teaching her to wash her 'bits' at bath time in the coming year or two?

"Custom will reconcile people to any atrocity."
Bea is offline  
#13 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 01:54 AM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,861
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
I had two hospital births.........a really traumatic one and then a really great one. The second time, I found a female OB who was due a few months before me!! Needless to say, she had total empathy for me.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#14 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 02:14 AM
 
kcstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: nowhere near Kansas
Posts: 756
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's an awfully personal question to ask a guy, but do you know any intact men who could talk your husband around?

DH wanted circumcision for our son. We talked and waited, talked and waited, but I think the nail in the coffin was when I had one of my brothers talk to DH over the phone. My brothers are intact, and this one was able to convince DH that it wasn't a big deal to be uncirced.

Apparently most men DON'T look when they're using the restroom.

Unitarian Universalist Pagan
kcstar is offline  
#15 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 02:18 AM
 
Arduinna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 32,562
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly, I wouldn't make that compromise. He can choose where and what type of medical care he gets but as long as the baby is coming out of my body I'm choosing the birth place. As for the circ decision, IMO it's not the parents to make. The boy can decide once he is an adult. But I'm in the over my dead body camp, and I told my dh that when we originally disagreed. He did come around but it took a few years and he is now an intactivist and has talked to friends about keeping their kids intact.
Arduinna is offline  
#16 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 03:32 AM
 
KaylaBeanie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: The South...for now
Posts: 612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nope, I wouldn't bite. Like a PP said, he doesn't care that your future sons will be intact if he's willing to compromise. You are the one going through labor, you are the one who gets to decide where and how you do it. I understand that marriage is about compromises, but he's not issuing an ultimatum out of love and concern. If he was so concerned about home birth and not circumcising, he wouldn't have made the offer.

treehugger.gif NMY, uber-crunchy, college student, doula-in-training, health food store worker and future librarian read.gif
                                      

KaylaBeanie is offline  
#17 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 03:32 AM
 
elanorh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 2,266
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wonder what your counselor would say about the deal that your dh is offering you? I agree with pps who think that it's a sign that this issue is as much or more about control as it is about circumcision.

Honestly, though, if you felt that he would eventually come 'round, I'd almost be tempted to take him up on that hospital deal, IF you could find a CNM or OB who you felt you could trust for a natural, intervention-free labor. Assisted homebirths aren't really an option where I am (Yet: the law changes in July ) - so my girls were both hospital births. I'm lucky, I've got a great OB and have had natural labors (second better than my first, because I knew to ask for delayed cord clamping and babe directly to breast). I can't compare them to home birth, but can say that from what I've seen and read, even here on MDC, I had very positive births. So, it's possible that you could find an HCP who would be able to support you with a great natural hospital labor.

But again, I think the root issue is larger - control and respect.

Not all who wander are lost.
elanorh is offline  
#18 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 09:47 AM
 
billikengirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: TN
Posts: 413
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Why is he suggesting hospital birth as the compromise? To punish you for not circing? Or because he knows how traumatic it would be for you, he thinks it would force you to circ?

A wise MDC poster once said that "my son's body is not a marital bargaining chip."

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

billikengirl is offline  
#19 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 11:50 AM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,861
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by billikengirl View Post

A wise MDC poster once said that "my son's body is not a marital bargaining chip."
I love this!

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#20 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 02:51 PM
 
eepster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: growing in the Garden State ............
Posts: 9,010
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by arianascrunchymama View Post
He's VERY defensive of his mother so I think a very large part of it is somehow validating his mother's decision (she was 16 when he was born) to have him circumcised.
Does he realize that when he was born (depending on how old he is) his mom (especially at her age) was probably not actually consulted. They didn't even start consent forms till the mid '70s. Even once there were consent forms it was just one more sheet of paper in the stack to sign. They didn't start actually asking if one wanted to circ till about a decade ago (still don't ask in some places,) it was just something they did automatically like cutting the umbilical cord.

Timmy's Mommy WARNINGyslexic typing with help of preschooler, beware of typos
eepster is offline  
#21 of 61 Old 03-07-2010, 06:23 PM
 
starryeyedmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 22
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can relate to dealing with a father who is pro-circ. Fortunately for me and my DS once I estabished that circ. was not an option for us he complied. Stand your ground and stop trying to reach an agreement with him. My son's father is totally adjusted to it now and we have two more boys due in June. Personally, I have experienced intimacy with an uncircumsized man and never felt anything negative towards him whatsoever!!! You will never regret protecting your son from unneccesary pain....blessings and strength are being sent to you from one loving mom to another.
starryeyedmama is offline  
#22 of 61 Old 03-08-2010, 12:27 AM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So, his compromise is to make the decision about your body, instead of your son's?

I wouldn't do it, and I'd be thinking long and hard about having another child with him. Reading his "compromise" in your post sent a shiver down my back. That says to me that he doesn't care that much about circ, because if he did, he wouldn't be willing to "trade". He just wants the say over either your body or your potential son's body. Ick.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#23 of 61 Old 03-08-2010, 12:52 AM
 
ElliesMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,200
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
If he's saying he'll leave the boy intact if you birth in a hospital, then he's also saying that circ isn't that important to him. What's important to him is being in control.
i agree.

and i would just like to point out that you *can* have a great experience giving birth in a hospital. you must shop around for a really good hospital. use a midwife, not an OB. and hire a doula. get to the hospital when you are already very far along in labor. get there just in time to push the baby out. (pain meds won't even be an issue). go in there with a birth plan that you work out with the doula ahead of time. i was able to do all of the above, and didn't get hooked up to any monitors. i walked the halls during transition. i labored on my feet all the way up until crowning, at which point i chose my own birthing position and pushed the baby out easily, one push for his head, another for his body. my awesome hospital has its policy to put baby on mom's chest immediately, and i got to tell them when i was ready for him to be weighed, etc.... couple hours later. they were very respectful. AND my 3 year old daughter was allowed in the delivery room with us, she woke up from sleeping just as her brother cried for the first time upon being delivered. so it really was a very good experience.

from listening to others in my DDC, home birth is a *goal* and doesn't always pan out successfully anyway. my DDC buddy wanted a HB, and wound up hospitalized for it, which turned out to be a good thing as she had some pretty severe complications that could have been tragic if she hadn't been in the hospital.

and finally, *if* you do wind up birthing a boy in a hospital, be prepared to keep your eyes on him 24/7 while you recover. you don't want an "accidental" circumcision. one of the OBs in my "group" was at my bedside at 7 am the next morning after the baby was born at 1 am, asking if i wanted him circumcised. stay vigilent, especially if your husband would be apt to "speak up" for you while you are sleeping. OK one more thing -- when you give birth in a hospital, it is *your* decision to circumcise b/c *you* are the patient, not your husband. it's *your* signature that is required. your husband could take (hypothetical) son elsewhere at a later time, but in order to have it done in the day or two after birth during your hospital stay, requires your OK. simply refuse to give your consent.

my 2 cents.

and ps: unsolicited advice, but decide if you really want to stay with a man who gets this bent out of shape over desire to circumcise... that you wind up in marriage counseling over it. is this really the issue, or is it, as previously mentioned, about his desire for control?

ElliesMomma is offline  
#24 of 61 Old 03-08-2010, 02:03 AM
 
Smokering's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 8,610
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Eugh. I think I'd be tempted to snap "Honey, how about this: I make decisions concerning MY body, and our son makes the decisions concerning HIS body, and you do whatever you want with YOUR body". Or, if I was in a particularly bad mood, "Sweetie, let's compromise about your body for a change - I was wanting to cut off your ear, but I won't if you agree not to eat for a month". Really, neither your body (the birth) nor your son's (circumcision) are his domain, unless he can prove a legitimate safety issue, which it seems he can't. Grrrr.

I had a traumatic hospital birth too. I can't imagine my horror if DH, who knew what I went through, was willing to put me in that situation for no good reason. That's so uncaring! No, one traumatic hospital birth does not necessarily doom you to another, but there's a reason they tell birth trauma victims to change as many things about the location and circumstances of the previous birth as possible for the next birth, you know? If your DH has agreed that homebirthing is safe, he has no grounds for being so callous. Maybe remind him that he greenlighted HB?

I'd be worried about having another child with a guy willing to give you that choice, too. Was he not there during your traumatic hospital birth? Maybe remind him what it was like for you, and ask him why he's willing to put you through it again? I'm sorry you're in this situation.

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

Smokering is offline  
#25 of 61 Old 03-09-2010, 04:30 PM
 
berry987's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 710
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What about letting your future son decide. Leave your boy intact and when he reaches his teens, ask him if he'd rather be circ'd. Seems like a fair compromise - if he's being teased or feels it's too difficult to clean he can opt to have it done then.

If your DH says, "Well, what kid is going to willingly go in for surgery on his penis??!" Say, "Well, what parent willingly sends their baby in for surgery on his penis?"

Don't compromise on the HB - that is YOUR labor, not his.

berry987 is offline  
#26 of 61 Old 03-09-2010, 06:25 PM
 
vermontgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Northern Vermont
Posts: 2,124
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Why does he care so much about what happens to your son's penis? It is a little strange when a parent has that much interest in their child's genitals-in your case divorce could even happen because of it. RIDICULOUS and DISGUSTING! This subject should not even be up for debate. Not your penis= not your choice.

Living the Joyful life as a mama of three beautiful children who are just right the way they are.

I blog at www.saboss.blogspot.com chicken3.gif

vermontgirl is offline  
#27 of 61 Old 03-09-2010, 07:17 PM
 
emnic77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: MA
Posts: 1,209
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Personally, I would not take that compromise and I would probably be more angry about it than ever because it's so clearly based on power struggle and not evidence or fact.

Em, married to Alex, mom to Samantha (11 yrs) and Cullen (5yrs) and Maybe (5/16/2010) Trying to grow 4,000lbs of produce on .2 acres. See my blog!
emnic77 is offline  
#28 of 61 Old 03-09-2010, 08:12 PM
 
Quirky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 12,070
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by emnic77
Personally, I would not take that compromise and I would probably be more angry about it than ever because it's so clearly based on power struggle and not evidence or fact.
Absolutely. There's a lot going on here and I find it really disturbing that, having witnessed your hospital birth experience and presumably having heard from you afterwards about your feelings about your experience, he'd be willing to force you to choose between protecting yourself and protecting your child.

Don't let him get away with this. I would put my foot down and say both of those options are off the table and they are not your choice. You figure out another way to get your need for respect in this relationship validated because I for damn sure am not going to respect you if you force me into cutting my child or risking another traumatic birth.

Come visit the NEW QuirkyBaby website -- earn QB Bucks rewards points for purchases, reviews, referrals, and more! Free US shipping on great brands of baby slings and carriers and FREE BabyLegs or babywearing mirror on orders of $100+. Take the QB Quiz for personalized advice!

Quirky is offline  
#29 of 61 Old 03-09-2010, 09:37 PM
 
ursaminor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 220
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel for you mama. but I must say, I would never let DH bully me into any decision regarding the birth and care of my child. The reason I chose a HB was to have a non-violent experience for not just myself, but my son. What is the point of having a wonderful, peaceful, respectful HB if you are just going to take your baby to a hospital for an unnecessary procedure? the pain and trauma of circ can interfere with bfing, and the cortisol levels in a circumcised newborn dont go back to baseline until months and months later. Protect your rights and instincts as a mother, they are there for a reason.

Mama to DS 2/23/2009 and DD 7/22/2014
ursaminor is offline  
#30 of 61 Old 03-09-2010, 10:40 PM
 
To-Fu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the base ship
Posts: 4,481
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to agree that your husband's wheeling and dealing seems creepy, and more about power/control than the issues at hand. The fact that he would force you to choose between something that he KNOWS is traumatizing to you and your body in every way and the bodily integrity of your son is... not a good sign. I'd keep working on these issues in therapy before getting pregant for sure, and I would not compromise on either issue. For me, neither is up for debate or compromise.

I love the idea of just leaving it up to your son. If he reaches the age of 18 (or whatever age/stage you think is appropriate) and wants a circumcision, let it be his decision. By saying you don't want to make that call for your son, you are not doing something TO him, you know?

Have you seen the updated user agreement yet?
To-Fu is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off