How do you respond when asked why? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 04:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
angela1435's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 223
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a problem trying to find an answer when I think about people ask if we are circumcising or not. We definitely aren't but I don't want them to think I am looking down on them for choosing to do it, ya know? I can just see the conversation getting awkward. Any suggestions?

Angela married to the love of my life Mommy to Summer Hailey and Evan
angela1435 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 04:25 PM
 
LavenderMae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: where I write my own posts!
Posts: 12,213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would just say it's an unnecessary surgery so we aren't doing it, it's true but not likely to make any one get defensive (unless they would no matter what you said).

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
LavenderMae is offline  
#3 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 04:48 PM
 
Raine822's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 140
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would be honest which for me would be "we don't believe in unnecessary medical intervention". Also, In my case "our doctor does not recommend routine circ". I ended up having girls so don't know how well these work though.
Raine822 is offline  
#4 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 04:51 PM
 
lovermont's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Adirondack Park
Posts: 795
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
something like:
-we felt comfortable opting out of circing
-this is what seemed right for our family
-we had some concerns about circing and some concerns about not but in
the end felt more comfortable not circing (if you want to go in to more details this may open the door for an interesting discussion where you can address the other person's concerns - like: we were worried that he might be uncomfortable not looking like his peers but now the circ rate is about 50%, etc, etc).

I assume your concern is more with your peers rather than family? I think the discussion might be different if you're talking to the neighbor who has kids slightly older than yours vs. your mom.

Sarah, Farmer, photographer, teacher, mother to Noah 05-05-06 and Del 03-27-08 and best friend to Josh 05-29-04.
Fostering sisters aged, 6, 3.5, and 2yrs since Sept 2013.
lovermont is offline  
#5 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 05:46 PM
 
billikengirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: TN
Posts: 410
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My diplomatic version: His penis, his decision, and there's no medical reason to do it.

What I say when someone has been hateful and p*ssed me off about it: Performing unnecessary cosmetic surgery on the genitals of someone who cannot consent is WRONG. If someone held YOU down and cut parts of your genitals off, they'd go to jail, not get paid like the ones who do it to babies.

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

billikengirl is offline  
#6 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 06:01 PM
 
annablue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Utah
Posts: 277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd say something along the lines of, "we just feel it's an unnecessary surgery."
annablue is offline  
#7 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 06:17 PM
 
erin23kate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 201
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I talk their ear off.

I take it as an open invitation to educate. I have convinced 4 people who asked me that question. I wish more people would ask me... then I wouldn't have to be the one bringing up baby penises at cocktail parties!
erin23kate is offline  
#8 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 06:28 PM
 
lunamegn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: mountains
Posts: 1,068
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I usually say that I don't feel like it's my decision to make for him since it's his penis and not mine.
lunamegn is offline  
#9 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 07:06 PM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,210
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Because it is not recommended by any medical organization in the world and a lot of insurances dont cover it.

I believe we are born perfect the way we are and to remove a perfectly good body part makes no sense at all.

I have used this one once:

They still do that?!?!?

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
#10 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 07:22 PM
 
dianakaye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Rocklin CA
Posts: 138
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've only been asked once by my brother (who thought it was pretty cool I went against the grain, at least for my family). I ranted for about a half hour.

If someone asked me again I'd probably talk about how important I think the foreskin is and describe it in detail so they know it's not just "a little flap of skin" and how important I think it is that a person be allowed to make the decision for themselves someday.
dianakaye is offline  
#11 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 07:39 PM
 
Greg B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dover, DE, US
Posts: 741
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Good responses so far. Here are a few more, depending on your audience:

"After researching this subject, I have concluded that the best choice is to let him make the decision for himself."

or

"I haven't found anything that justifies the loss of function and feeling that a foreskin provides."

or

"If men were meant to have foreskin, they would have been born with one."

or

"A Foreskin is NOT a birth defect"

Regards
Greg B is offline  
#12 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 08:09 PM
 
PlainandTall's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by erin23kate View Post
I talk their ear off.

I take it as an open invitation to educate. I have convinced 4 people who asked me that question. I wish more people would ask me... then I wouldn't have to be the one bringing up baby penises at cocktail parties!
THIS!! I would make an effort to answer their question with questions that opens discourse- not a flat "don't talk to me about this- case closed"

Something like: "I have been looking into circumcision quite a bit- and I'm very interested to hear your thoughts and experiences on the matter!"
PlainandTall is offline  
#13 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 08:12 PM
 
Jaesun's Dad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 221
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The conversation with my father aside all the other friends that have actually expressed surprise went like

Friend "So did you circumcise?"
Me "No"
Friend "Really? Why not"
Me "Neither of us thought unnecessary penile surgery was a good idea"
Friend "So ... nice weather we have today?"

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" - Dr. Seuss
Jaesun's Dad is offline  
#14 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 08:48 PM
 
poppan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to say, I have never ever been asked this question!

Poppan ~ twins born April 2007
poppan is offline  
#15 of 65 Old 06-09-2010, 08:52 PM
 
Katie T's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 2,485
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by billikengirl View Post
My diplomatic version: His penis, his decision, and there's no medical reason to do it.

What I say when someone has been hateful and p*ssed me off about it: Performing unnecessary cosmetic surgery on the genitals of someone who cannot consent is WRONG. If someone held YOU down and cut parts of your genitals off, they'd go to jail, not get paid like the ones who do it to babies.

~Katie~ married to J, mom to DD- A 13 yrs ,DS- L 7yrs , and my little nursling DD2- R 5yrs.

crochetsmilie.gif

Katie T is offline  
#16 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 01:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
angela1435's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 223
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah my family knows and I have no problem telling them exactly why. But for some reason I have anxiety about explaining it to friends with children that have boys that are circumcised. I really don't want them to think I see them as having made the wrong decision. There are 2 people in particular that I don't want to have the conversation with. Even though I know it's the right decision, I still have a problem. Not sure why??

Angela married to the love of my life Mommy to Summer Hailey and Evan
angela1435 is offline  
#17 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 01:39 AM
 
Oceanone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,343
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am having trouble believing that people actually ask this question! Surely the more pertinent question would be why do you choose to circumcise?

Mama to 13, and 10 and 4.
Oceanone is offline  
#18 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 02:00 AM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Can't imagine anyone asking either BUT... I would want them to know I thought their decision was wrong...

-Angela
alegna is offline  
#19 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 03:48 AM
 
annethcz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: on the beautiful prairie of MN
Posts: 9,825
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My standard answer:

"I figure that if my boys were meant to have a forskin, they'd be born with one "

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
I'm an unintentional weasel feeder and I suck at proofreading.
annethcz is offline  
#20 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 02:33 PM
 
poppan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela1435 View Post
Yeah my family knows and I have no problem telling them exactly why. But for some reason I have anxiety about explaining it to friends with children that have boys that are circumcised. I really don't want them to think I see them as having made the wrong decision. There are 2 people in particular that I don't want to have the conversation with. Even though I know it's the right decision, I still have a problem. Not sure why??
I think I can understand how you're feeling... and would feel the same way if I were ever asked the question (which in three years I have not been asked once, but I live in San Francisco area and I think lots of people aren't circ'ing here). So, if I were ever asked, I think I would say something light like "it just didn't seem necessary" and try to end the conversation. I mean, if you didn't want to have the conversation I would do something like that -- something that's not meant to provoke, that makes it sound like it was simply a choice I made and other people are free to make other choices and I'm not going to judge them for it.

Maybe I come from a different place because I don't feel "intactivist" about it at all, my DH is not circ'd (he's from Europe) and we've never even considered circumcision for DS. So it was never a big deal to me, just a personal choice. I don't think people will necessarily assume that you are judging them (unless you use language that is meant to provoke a reaction).

Poppan ~ twins born April 2007
poppan is offline  
#21 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 05:35 PM
 
erin23kate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 201
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by angela1435 View Post
I really don't want them to think I see them as having made the wrong decision.
I understand completely. The funny thing is, I *do* see them as having made the wrong decision, but it's too late and nobody can un-do it at this point. In this case, I'd try to get out of the conversation pretty quickly before I say something I shouldn't.
erin23kate is offline  
#22 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 06:01 PM
 
WeasleyMum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Charlottesville
Posts: 2,859
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The only questions I've gotten about keeping DS intact revolve around the "odd kid out" idea (oooh wouldn't want to be the weird guy in the locker room, ya know) so I just explain that with national circ rates hovering in the 50%'s, that 'stigma' doesn't really exist the way it might have a generation ago. Chances are, all boys are going to have questions about circumcision at some point, and I'd rather explain to my dear boy why we DIDN'T do that to him, than why we did.

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

Also: chicken3.gif  dog2.gif

WeasleyMum is offline  
#23 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 06:24 PM
 
listipton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: rural Illinois
Posts: 480
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It kind of seems like if someone is asking this question, then they are genuinely interested in becoming more educated. As a person you are entitled to believe that a friends decision is wrong. I have a close friend who's son is circed. it bothers me quite a bit because she is so open minded about so much and is so supportive of our decision to leave ds intact, that I don't lecture/rant/discuss it with her. I will be sure to drop intact information in her inbox if her next pregnancy is a boy, however. If you don't want to really discuss it with a friend, politely tell them your own reasons. Most of the time it's not what you say, it's how you say it

Mama to Ahnna-Bella (Dec 05) dust.gif, Harrison (Oct 08) kid.gif, and Kellan Wilder (Jan '12) baby.gif

listipton is offline  
#24 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 11:22 PM
 
minkajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 5,143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
My usual response is "I have no right. It's not my body and I have absolutely no right to have a perfectly normal piece of it surgically removed." If it's someone I don't like, who's probably just asking to see what nutty idea the hippie's going to have now, I usually say something along the lines of "In what world is it ok to strap a baby to a board and take a scalpel to his penis??" That usually shuts them up. I don't want to alienate people, though, so I only use that if it's someone I know has no real interest in it whatsoever.

Mandy, )O(  Proud mommy of Taylor (1/6/05) jammin.gifand Abigail (4/21/11) slinggirl.gif
Loving wife of my gamer boy Michael. modifiedartist.gifBlog link in my profile! ribboncesarean.gif
minkajane is offline  
#25 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 11:27 PM
 
liliaceae's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,946
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wait, who is asking you guys these questions?? Nobody has ever asked me about the state of my son's genitals.

lady.gifMama to DS banana.gif(5) and DD broc1.gif(2)
 

liliaceae is offline  
#26 of 65 Old 06-10-2010, 11:50 PM
 
minkajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 5,143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by liliaceae View Post
Wait, who is asking you guys these questions?? Nobody has ever asked me about the state of my son's genitals.
It's come up several times at doctor's offices when I tell them not to retract. It's something I cover in my breastfeeding and childbirth classes, so people tend to ask if I had DS circ'd. I was also asked once at work because a coworker's grandson was having his circumcision revised because "They didn't cut enough off - he didn't even look circ'd!" because we all know what a tragedy THAT is. She knew I had a son and asked and I told her what I said before, that I had no right. Honestly, it was like one of those cartoons where the lightbulb lit up over her head. She looked at me wonderingly and said, "Wow, I never thought about it that way before."

Mandy, )O(  Proud mommy of Taylor (1/6/05) jammin.gifand Abigail (4/21/11) slinggirl.gif
Loving wife of my gamer boy Michael. modifiedartist.gifBlog link in my profile! ribboncesarean.gif
minkajane is offline  
#27 of 65 Old 06-11-2010, 12:26 AM
 
maotmsmi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 551
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

*

maotmsmi is offline  
#28 of 65 Old 06-11-2010, 12:58 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 870
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I see where you are coming from, but, at the same time, we are all going to regret decisions we've made. If you give them good information about why you don't circ, maybe they'll make that deicision in the future.
I used to feel the same way, about not circing, about breastfeeding, natural birth etc. I felt like if everyone knew what I knew, they would choose natural in the future, and regret not having done so in the past.
On the flip side though, there are plently of decisions I have made that were huge mistakes. I don't get offended when people give me their reasons for not choosing the mistakes that I chose.
bluebirdiemama is offline  
#29 of 65 Old 06-11-2010, 02:52 AM
 
Night_Nurse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,851
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Answer their question with a question. If they ask you why you aren't circing/didn't circ, ask them why would/should you circ. Then, whatever answer they give you, you can give an honest answer and dispel any misconceptions they might have.

Mom &  RN   intactivist.gif
Pardon the typos - CWOK (cat walking on keyboard)   signcirc1.gif

Night_Nurse is offline  
#30 of 65 Old 06-11-2010, 03:21 AM
 
ElliesMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
only one person asked me.

her: so did you have him circumcised?

me: no.

her: are you going to have him circumcised?

me: no.

that was that!

ElliesMomma is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off