So so sad and full of guilt and remorse... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-06-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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My only issue with not talking to them about it is that they may end up circing their own ds's. What happens if God forbid you pass on before they have kids who will talk to them about circ then?

I am talking to both my kids about it now so that should it come up in the future they have no doubt where I stand and can know what circ is and not let it happen to their kids.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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Old 10-07-2010, 12:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post
My only issue with not talking to them about it is that they may end up circing their own ds's. What happens if God forbid you pass on before they have kids who will talk to them about circ then?

I am talking to both my kids about it now so that should it come up in the future they have no doubt where I stand and can know what circ is and not let it happen to their kids.
I think we have to do what we feel is in our child's best interests. Clearly, DocMom and I have each made choices we wish we had handled differently. And given that, we have to do what we feel will provide our children the best opportunity to live happy, healthy lives. I feel there is no significant benefit to teaching my child that there is something wrong with him. However, I do see value in not continuing the same pattern that has gone on to this point.

I feel the likelihood of not living to see my sons have children is slight. But the chance of him having insecurities because I point out his shortcomings(which I created) is quite significant.

The rates of circumcision are dropping. The information abut it's failings are widely available, and will continue to be moreso. My DH, also, agrees with me about the importance of not circumcising, and in my absence, I trust he would broach the subject at the appropriate time.
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:24 AM
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I'm saddened by your pain, and hope you heal soon and come to peace for a decision you obviously thought would be of no harm to your son. My advice as stated above is to continue to speak up and educate. Most importantly.... speak up to the physician who performed the surgery and let her know how you feel NOW. Obtain the circ. consent form and review it; inform the hospital of all its flaws. Complain to the hospital administration and risk manager for the solicitation you endured and the controversial and unnecessary surgery your son endured, etc. What if your son's circ. later reveals complications not normally seen (save the medical records involving the procedure, take pictures now if you want). Unless parents speak up in large numbers and complain and share their dissatisfaction, hospitals and physicians will continue to solicit and perform prepuce amputations on newborn boys. It angers me greatly that the hospital even asked if you wanted to circ. your son. More and more hospitals are not asking parents and some, when asked by parents, inform them that the nursery does NOT perform circs. on newborns and parents must make arrangements on their own after discharge.
Best Regards, Devin
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Old 10-07-2010, 11:54 AM
 
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I wanted to add something....if you can separate the guilt from the sadness, that would be a good first step. You absolutely should forgive yourself...but that doesn't mean you will ever lose the sadness of what's been done. Sadness and regret will always accompany your thoughts of circumcision - because what was done to your son was not inevitable. I too have a regret in which my child paid the price for my mistake/lack of knowledge. Trust me, there is comfort in allowing sadness space in my emotions. It will get better and you won't think of it all the time, but when it comes up, it comes up. Sometimes just acknowledging the sadness and letting it be, helps me move through it.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:39 PM
 
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SubliminalDarkness and DocMom - I understand your reasoning and your feelings. Would you still consider it "planting a seed" if you waited until early adulthood to discuss with your sons? By that time, they will be more secure in their own skin, but it might give them the opportunity to reflect on the practice before they have sons of their own.

Not at all trying to pressure anyone into doing anything that is uncomfortable for them. I was just genuinely curious if/when there would ever be a time when discussing it would be an option.
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Old 10-10-2010, 03:04 AM
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i think you should forgive yourself and move on.. not to belittle your feelings, you understand, but to allow yourself to accept that you made a choice you regret, but it does not define you as a mother. nor does it define your son - yes, it is one aspect of him. either a boy is circ'd or he is intact. but he is also many other wonderful things! sometimes complications do occur, heartbreakingly. if you're not experiencing complications, perhaps it's best to put it on the back burner until you're doing pre-puberty education. show your son pictures of intact and circ'd penises. mention that you had him circumcised because you were led to believe it was a good idea at the time, but you no longer feel that way and hope that he accepts himself regardless, because he has a wonderful functional beautiful body no matter what. chances are, he'll have the chance to see various penises anyway, what with locker rooms and whatnot. he'll know they're not all carbon copies of each other!

and then i wouldn't bring it up again until he is planning on kids of his own, in which case you can have a very in depth discussion.

January 2011
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Old 10-12-2010, 12:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for that, Myk, from the bottom of my heart.
You did not invalidate my feelings whatsoever... you in fact gave me the healthy dose of perspective that I needed. Each new comment seems to feed my soul in the order in which I need most and precisely in the way I need it, like it was heaven sent. I think yours has finally punctuated the issue for me perfectly.

I am feeling empowered and oddly excited for the future and the message of hope and strength I will be able to share as a mother, friend and future Pediatrician with thousands of families who may come to me with questions. I feel I have been called to make a difference.

Thank you for being there for me. You have allowed me the clarity on mind I need to realize so clearly where I stand and what I need to do as I go int othe future. Your kind words and cyber hugs have not only helped me and my family, but will undoubtedly touch thousands of others.
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Old 10-12-2010, 02:38 AM
 
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Haven't had time to read through all the responses, but I just wanted to tell you mama that you are not alone. I too circ'ed my boy (who is now 12months old) and feel deep, deep regret about it. I spent the first 6m of his life crying often about it. I just can't believe in retrospect that I didn't snatch him out of the mohels arms (we are Jewish and did a tradition circ, not a hospital circ) and lock myself in the bedroom and refuse to come out. I just can't believe I let someone hurt my son It still brings tears to think of that day and what I let happen. But I have been slowly forgiving myself and trying to accept things, since I can't go back. It's hard though, b/c now that I see how horrible it is, I can't NOT know it. I can't even change his diaper without a pang in my heart. And it's doubly hard b/c I feel that it alienates me from the AP world, which is my lifeline. I feel embarrassed to admit he is circ'ed around here and also around my mama friends IRL.

I feel confident that he will grow to be a caring, happy adult with a healthy sexuality in place (as his circ'ed Dad is), but still it's hard knowing that I made this huge and wrong choice for him when he was totally dependent on me to watch over his well-being. I only hope that someday I can explain it to him in a way that doesn't make him feel less-than, but that convinces him to keep his own son(s) intact. And I will certainly be outspoken about keeping other boys in my family intact.

photosmile2.gif Me= crunchy mama to one rambunctious toddler, born on October 1, 2009. And one sweet little baby born January 19, 2012. heartbeat.gif

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