I need help convincing my husband. :( - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 10-15-2010, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We don't even know if we're having a boy or a girl, but before I was pregnant, when I brought up the issue of circumcision in passing, he said, "If we have a boy, he'll be circumcised, there's no question about that." I responded something like, "Clearly this is something we need to talk about, because I disagree."

We (I) have a 4 year old son from my previous marriage and he is intact. There hasn't been a single problem with his penis/foreskin. My husband helped potty train him and never said anything negative about it so I figured he'd be on board with any future sons also being intact.

I know part of it comes from his more old school approach to things. He's a "Southern boy" (Georgia born and raised), and I don't mean to stereotype--just trying to give a bit of his background.

I have told him that the AAP no longer recommends routine circumcision (I'm pretty sure their stance is still that they don't make a recommendation either way? although I suppose I should double check and keep my mouth shut about the AAP if they now recommend circumcision!).

Are there any good articles I can share with him? I don't want to share anything too extreme (like if something is called "circumcisionisbarbaric.com" I don't think he'll even consider reading it), but I DO want him to see the facts. I also pointed out to him that if we have a son, he could choose to get circumcised later--he can't choose to get his foreskin back.

I should also mention that he's currently overseas and working long hours, so I want to be able to share some links to articles that are informative but get to the point.

HELP???? It's been so long since I was "researching" this--5 years ago! And my exhusband was pretty hands-off when it came to parenting so I didn't have to even convince him, he just left it up to me.

Beth
Mama to DD 2.18.03, DS 3.18.06, DD 5.7.11

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#2 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 12:21 AM
 
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I recommend not bombarding him with this. It is likely to just put him on the defensive and cause him to shut down.

To begin, you should read this article to help you see where he is coming from.
http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/v...ty_of_men.html
For many men this is an issue that is hard for them to look at rationally. It is just too emotional.

It is often simplest to simply be clear and firm about this. Don't bombard him with links, but simply address any specific concerns he brings you one at a time.

Ask him to do the research on his own. Ask him to find a reason to do it (don't worry, we can help you explain why every reason to do it he comes up with is actually invalid, there just aren't any that justify surgery.) Listen to him and don't be dismissive, he needs to be heard. When you explain you position be gentle.

In the end though, just say no. Not doing it is the default.

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#3 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 12:38 AM
 
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What is his primary concern or reason? It would be useful to limit discussion to those points most relevant to him.
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#4 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 12:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What is his primary concern or reason? It would be useful to limit discussion to those points most relevant to him.
He honestly didn't say (yet)... he just said, "He (hypothetical) WILL be circumcised, there's no question about it." I think it has to do with what he thinks is "normal."

Beth
Mama to DD 2.18.03, DS 3.18.06, DD 5.7.11

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#5 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 01:09 AM
 
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I couldn't personally change my DH's mind, but one night, he did his own research on doctorsopposingcircumcision and his mind was made up that any sons of ours will absolutely be intact.

Alicia, wife to an loving and faithful DH, and mama to three fantastic though nutty children (cs, then an HBAC, then a VBAC!!).
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#6 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 02:32 AM
 
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do some talking with him, like honey did you know the 5 most sensitive arts of the penis are in the foreskin? Or honey did you know that more children die from complications due to circ than do all children 10 and under who die from choking? Or show him the video of it being done or the ics of the bloody mess it is for the days following the procedure. Keep talking. This is not something to aquiesse to. this is a put your foot down thing.

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#7 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 10:05 AM
 
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You need to turn this around.

You do not need a reason to leave a son as he came.

Your partner needs to come up with several compelling (and not myth based) reasons that your potential son will need a painful, elective cosmetic surgery preformed on his genitals immediately after birth.

If he can come up with any (there aren't any BTW) then he will have to explain why he thinks he has the right to permanently alter the function of someone else's genitals.

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#8 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 10:20 AM
 
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You need to turn this around.

You do not need a reason to leave a son as he came.

Your partner needs to come up with several compelling (and not myth based) reasons that your potential son will need a painful, elective cosmetic surgery preformed on his genitals immediately after birth.

If he can come up with any (there aren't any BTW) then he will have to explain why he thinks he has the right to permanently alter the function of someone else's genitals.
Very well said !! My thoughts exactly.
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#9 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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Fyrestorm said it well. Do not fall into the trap of reacting to what he says. The proper way to make a decision about this is not to procalim that there is no discussion, it just will be, as your husband seems to be doing. If he wants to advocate for amputating healthy functional tissue, then he must present the reasons why that is in your son's best interests. How the benefits of RIC outweigh the costs. Until he at least comes up with the benefits, in his mind, he is just making unreasonable demands.

You are in a particularly good position, btw, if he tries to pull the old, he needs to look like his father or he will get teased in the locker room, since his brother is intact.

Here is a great reference that is written by doctors, covers most of the typical concerns, and focuses on th ehuman rights aspect:

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...yStatement.pdf

Just stay firm, insisting that he give you reasons. Not just demands, pressure, and ultimatives. He must provide the logical arguemnt why this is in the best interest of your son, why it is better than leaving him intact to choose for himself. He must do this in a way that any reasonable person could see the logic and see his point of view.

People have been conditioned, through biased information and fear mongering to see the foreskin as having little value. The argument gets very emotional. You need to be the voice of reason and calmness.

Best wishes
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#10 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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Oh, and California has low circ rates.. so that part is a non-issue.
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#11 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 12:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, everyone, SO much. I am feeling a lot better about this. I did email him, not with a bunch of links, just saying, "Hey, I would like to talk about this before it gets to be later in my pregnancy."

Thank you for the link to the doctorsopposingcircumcision article!

And philomom, I'm thankful we're in CA right now, but we're not "from" here and we'll only be here another year possibly (cry!!!!). Perhaps, later on down the road, my midwife can talk to him. I think he's likely to listen to a professional.

I do know, though, that in the end, even if he doesn't agree, I WILL put my foot down. I won't allow him to have our child undergo surgery without my consent.

Beth
Mama to DD 2.18.03, DS 3.18.06, DD 5.7.11

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#12 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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We just got our BFP Wednesday, so we had this exact same conversation last night. DH wants his son circumcised because he was NOT and got made fun of by the first couple of teenage girls who saw him (which makes me want to find them and wring their necks, but maybe that's just the hormones talking - LOL).

I showed him the declining rates of circumcision (we live in OR - it's currently less than 35% here!) and also pulled the "don't you want your son to look like you" thing that is often used to argue the other side... he came around, especially after I told him all the girls would make fun of him for being circumcised.

Was that sneaky and manipulative? Perhaps. Do I care at this point? Not a bit. If we have a boy, he will not be circumcised. Period.

Now, I just have to figure out how to ease him into the idea of a home water birth... more on that in a new topic.

Raqui

Moo.

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#13 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 09:08 PM
 
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I swear they should make this a mandatory discussion point before a marriage licence is issued (along with "Do you want kids at all?" and "Are you secretly gay?", which seem to trip up an astounding number of couples as well).

Obviously it's a bit late for that now. So do what PPs suggested and make HIM prove his case. Clearly there is a "question about it", so he needs to prove that genital surgery is ethical and medically necessary. (It's better if he looks at the ethical issues first, as the medical issues become all but irrelevant once those are seen clearly. Saves time.)

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#14 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 09:59 PM
 
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If he'd like to email-talk to a military guy (Army, currently deployed) that is anti-circ, pm me.

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#15 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 10:26 PM
 
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I swear they should make this a mandatory discussion point before a marriage licence is issued (along with "Do you want kids at all?" and "Are you secretly gay?", which seem to trip up an astounding number of couples as well).
The second one doesn't help, if the gay partner doesn't know he/she is gay. Ask me how I know. *sigh*

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#16 of 17 Old 10-16-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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If you have to you can use the, how do we explain his cut penis to him when his older brother is intact.

I'm generally loathe the matching penis argument but I'm if need be I'll use their argument against them lol.
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#17 of 17 Old 10-17-2010, 12:09 AM
 
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I do know, though, that in the end, even if he doesn't agree, I WILL put my foot down. I won't allow him to have our child undergo surgery without my consent.
that's what i did and it worked. my DH even asked the OB for his opinion, and when the doctor replied with the usual "it's helpful against infections, penile cancer and STDs," i was ready with replies right back about how minimally helpful it really is... like, 1/10 of 1 percent more helpful in UTIs, 1 in 100,000 instance of penile cancer in elderly men, STDs aren't even an issue for at least like 15 years... and the doctor finally admitted that many parents do it for cosmetic reasons. my husband then replied, "cosmetic?! that's a new one to me." after that conversation, i just told my husband that i will not sign for it, and that he has to come up with a convincing argument for why it should be done, and that i don't have to prove to him that our son does not need surgery... he has to prove to me why our son needs surgery.

and in the end, you are the patient of the OB. they should respect your wishes. i was told that they will not do a circumcision without my consent.

stay with this forum throughout your pregnancy, especially if you know it's a boy. it will help keep you strongly opposed to circumcision, and give you more and more strategies to make sure it doesn't happen to your son.

ps: congratulations on your pregnancy!!

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