Would you cut out a close family member for circ'ing? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Would you cut a close family member out for circ'ing if you knew they had all the info?
Yes! That is a deal-breaker, and I will never speak to him/her again. 3 2.07%
I would severely limit contact, but I want baby boy in my life. 10 6.90%
No, but I would still be upset over their choice. 76 52.41%
No, it's not my business how they raise their child. 56 38.62%
Voters: 145. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 01:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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IF-- they have all the information available to them, and circ due to cultural pressure and to look like daddy?

Please explain why or why not!

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#2 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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If I presented them with all of the info and they chose to ignore it, it would be very hard to keep talking to them. The "look like Daddy" reason really grates my nerves.

ETA: It's much easier to forgive someone for making that choice when they don't have the info. I know how much pressure doctors and other people can put on new moms to circ. I went through this with my step mother. We were pregnant together and her babe was born 10 days before mine. Because she was a nurse, she blew off all of my anti circ information as a load of crap. Her main reasons for circing her son were that it was cleaner and an intact penis looks funny. I lost a ton of respect for her after that and now 8 years later we barely talk. Then again, we have no parenting decisions in common either.

It may seem harsh, but since I view circ as a horrible and BIG DEAL, it's hard for me to respect someone that has all of the info. Especially when I'm the one giving the info, videos and having the conversations.

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#3 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 01:37 PM
 
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depends if they gonna whine after how their lil boy is in pain
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#4 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 01:44 PM
 
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To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I could continue to be around someone who circs after knowing the truth of it.

To me, circumcision is not a 'parenting decision', and is not on par with breast vs bottle, or sling vs stroller or anything else. Those types of parenting differences I could most likely look beyond (assuming we had other things in common, and I didn't feel like her parenting choices were harming the child in some way). But circumcision is different. I lose any and all respect for someone who consents to circ after learning about it.

As much as I may want to remain friends and be there for baby, I honestly don't think I could ever look that friend in the eye again. I would also become angry and resentful if I ever saw the boy diaper-less. No matter how much I may want to try to stay friends, I feel as though the relationship would be doomed.

ETA: I misread the question as 'close friend' not 'close family'. With family, unfortunately my opinion stays the same. I just can't see how I would ever look that person in the eye again. I think I would end up distancing myself (perhaps unconsciously), no matter how much it might hurt me.

This is all hypothetical, though, as thankfully I have no friends or family members (of this generation, who have access to the truth) who have circed their boys, and know no one who would circ future sons.

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#5 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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My sister just circed her son. And I think suddenly cutting contact with my sister is throwing one awful thing after another without even solving the first awful thing!

I can't imagine cutting my sister out of my life because she did something that I disagree with, especially since it was a LEGAL thing to do!

I just try to avoid the topic completely.

I love my sister. She is my SISTER. Family seems to mean more to me than it does to some people.

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#6 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 01:58 PM
 
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No. Family trumps foreskin.
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#7 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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No. Family trumps foreskin.

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#8 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 02:32 PM
 
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No, family is everything.

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#9 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 02:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiOrion View Post
My sister just circed her son. And I think suddenly cutting contact with my sister is throwing one awful thing after another without even solving the first awful thing!

I can't imagine cutting my sister out of my life because she did something that I disagree with, especially since it was a LEGAL thing to do!

I just try to avoid the topic completely.

I love my sister. She is my SISTER. Family seems to mean more to me than it does to some people.
This is exactly the situtation I was thinking about when I answered the question. I know if my sister had a boy she would circ him. I would be disappointed with her, but would never disown her because of it.

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#10 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiOrion View Post
My sister just circed her son. And I think suddenly cutting contact with my sister is throwing one awful thing after another without even solving the first awful thing!

I can't imagine cutting my sister out of my life because she did something that I disagree with, especially since it was a LEGAL thing to do!

I just try to avoid the topic completely.

I love my sister. She is my SISTER. Family seems to mean more to me than it does to some people.
This was my situation too. I sent my sister lots of info in a mailed package, which she claimed she read through (yeah right), and then they did it anyway. I lost a ton of respect for her and won't ever see her the same way again, but of course I still love her. Instead of cutting contact, I just won't ever change my nephew's diaper and I choose to quietly remove myself from the room if someone is changing him. This way I won't ever actually know for sure if he's cut or not, which helps me not feel quite so sad for him.

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#11 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 03:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rhiOrion View Post
My sister just circed her son. And I think suddenly cutting contact with my sister is throwing one awful thing after another without even solving the first awful thing!

I can't imagine cutting my sister out of my life because she did something that I disagree with, especially since it was a LEGAL thing to do!

I just try to avoid the topic completely.

I love my sister. She is my SISTER. Family seems to mean more to me than it does to some people.
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#12 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 03:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by outlier View Post
This was my situation too. I sent my sister lots of info in a mailed package, which she claimed she read through (yeah right), and then they did it anyway. I lost a ton of respect for her and won't ever see her the same way again, but of course I still love her. Instead of cutting contact, I just won't ever change my nephew's diaper and I choose to quietly remove myself from the room if someone is changing him. This way I won't ever actually know for sure if he's cut or not, which helps me not feel quite so sad for him.
This is exactly what I was trying to say. Of course you* still love your family member, but not seeing her in the same light, and losing respect for her means (to me) that whether you make the conscious decision to cut her out or not, the relationship has been irreparably damaged.

*you general

SAH Mama of two intact kiddos: Kaitlyn (31 Oct '05) and Julian (7 July '09).  signcirc1.gif

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#13 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 03:56 PM
 
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No, I wouldn't cut out close family or a close friend for circing, even if they had all the information. I'd be sick about it, and I'd be honest if they asked me how I felt about it, but I wouldn't cut them out of my life.

Of course, I live in a very high circ (around 80%), so if I did cut out everyone who circed, I'd have no friends or family.
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#14 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 04:11 PM
 
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I know my case may be a bit different, but I couldn't just cut them out of my life.

My DB & DSIL made the decision to have their son circ'd. They did not do the amount of research I did before I made the decision to leave my DS intact (13+ years ago); but the information was available to them, and I cannot force them to make the same decision I would.

That being said...if I chose to cut my brother and SIL out of my life, I would also miss out on seeing my niece and nephew grow up. Not only that, but I am nursing my nephew (and nursed his big sis for over the first year of her life). So, most likely, he would end up on formula if I chose to distance myself from his parents. Due to medical reasons SIL cannot breastfeed, but I am plenty capable of providing him with breastmilk. So, should I take that away from him because I don't agree with what his parents chose to do?

I know it was a hard choice for them. Sometimes they are okay with the decision they made and sometimes they really regret it and mentally beat themselves up about it. And what they need from me is my love and support, not condemnation.

Just my personal opinion...for my situation.
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#15 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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My motto:
As long as you're informed about the issue, you can do as you please

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#16 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 04:24 PM
 
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All of my nephews are circumcised (7 of them). I don't feel we could cut off those relationships, even though I find circumcision terrible. I know the parents felt it was in their sons' best interests in just lacked the open-mindedness to see it for what it is.

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#17 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 04:34 PM
 
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All of my nephews are circumcised (7 of them). I don't feel we could cut off those relationships, even though I find circumcision terrible. I know the parents felt it was in their sons' best interests in just lacked the open-mindedness to see it for what it is.
This. I know that my close family and friends love their kids to death, and for some reason *think* they are making the right choice by circ'ing. I completely disagree, and most of them know this, but I want to continue to be an example of informed parenting in their lives. And I make mistakes too.

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#18 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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I voted "No, but wouldn't be happy about it", but I am not sure that is the truth. My brother and SIL are pregnant right now. She will find out what the baby is on Nov. 5th. She is very young, my brother is older and she does whatever my brother says and she thinks whatever my brother thinks. It drives me nuts that she has no mind of her own. Anyway- she has already said if it is a boy they are circing because my brother is insistant that it "looks like him". I have actually flipped my mom to my side, and have armed her and I with information to share, if this baby is indeed a boy (I have a feeling it is). But, ultimately they will be able to make the choice, legally, and it just makes me ill thinking about it. I don't think I can change my brother's mind. So, in theory I say I wouldn't be happy about it, but my feelings may be stronger than that when it actually happens. This will be my first nephew (or fingers crossed it is a niece) and I can't imagine cutting the baby out of my life. Ugh.

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#19 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 05:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiOrion View Post
My sister just circed her son. And I think suddenly cutting contact with my sister is throwing one awful thing after another without even solving the first awful thing!

I can't imagine cutting my sister out of my life because she did something that I disagree with, especially since it was a LEGAL thing to do!

I just try to avoid the topic completely.

I love my sister. She is my SISTER. Family seems to mean more to me than it does to some people.

well your nephew is also family and in the hypothetical question in the OP is being irrevocably and heinously hurt by another family member that is supposed to be protecting him.
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#20 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 05:15 PM
 
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My motto:
As long as you're informed about the issue, you can do as you please
That is fine if you are doing it to yourself. It's a whole other story when we are talking about doing it to a helpless newborn. Where is his informed consent in this?
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#21 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 05:50 PM
 
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I would not cut them out of my life. They wouldn't be in my inner circle (very few are). I would continue circumcision opposition, even where they can "see" it (facebook, etc). I would revisit the issue if/when they became pregnant again.
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#22 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 05:59 PM
 
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I promise I am not trying to be arguementative! I'm just trying to understand others perspectives. Perhaps I am just naive, but I can't help but wonder about this now...

How would cutting family members out of your life for circ'ing improve the situation? I (personally) just don't understand how it would be beneficial for anyone involved.

Please don't flame me. And sorry OP for asking this (not trying to hijack your thread), but it seems to tie into your original question I think.
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#23 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 08:00 PM
 
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I believe that every time that this discussion comes up, it gets locked b/c of a fundamental misunderstanding - that people are ending friendships or limiting family relationships in order to punish or make a point, when that is usually not the case. I would curtail or limit any relationship over circumcision, but not to "punish" the other parent - I would do it b/c it makes me nauseous, in pain, and terribly upset to be reminded of what happened to the child. It is not a choice - it is self-protection. I can't spend all my time with friends or family in the brain spiral of being nauseous thinking about circumcision.

Quote:
How would cutting family members out of your life for circ'ing improve the situation? I (personally) just don't understand how it would be beneficial for anyone involved.
So, to answer your question, limiting my relationship helps me not be obsessive about a sad, yet unchangeable situation.

I take offense when people suggest that I would love my family less, or value friendships less. That is not it. I am just that disgusted by circumcision.

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#24 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I promise I am not trying to be arguementative! I'm just trying to understand others perspectives. Perhaps I am just naive, but I can't help but wonder about this now...

How would cutting family members out of your life for circ'ing improve the situation? I (personally) just don't understand how it would be beneficial for anyone involved.

Please don't flame me. And sorry OP for asking this (not trying to hijack your thread), but it seems to tie into your original question I think.
It really doesn't fix anything. People will do what they are going to do.

In my options, I am talking about how people so against circ can see it happen to a loved one's child, and whether the pain was so great to know that they chose something like this (mutilation, cosmetic surgery, unnecessary medical procedure, whatever you choose to call it) would you be able to look them in the eye? Could you ever have the same relationship again, knowing what they did?

It's not about fixing anything, it is about your feelings as a woman loving her nephew or other relative, and understanding the pain they have been put through by the people who are supposed to protect them.

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#25 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 08:57 PM
 
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Galatea, you said that so well.
I have never had a family member circumcise when being fully informed. All of the babies were born long before I had mine and became informed.
I just recently had some friends of my husband say they were intending to circumcise after being fully informed (and yes, at least the husband was fully informed as I informed him personally with written material, dvds and a conversation.) I do not know what they decided ultimately and I won't ask. I don't have much respect for their parenting choices already. I am not close to them. I do see them in a much different light now and I am polite but I don't feel the need to be any friendlier than that.
It's hard to fight social conditioning. It runs so deep in some people.

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#26 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 08:58 PM
 
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No. Family trumps foreskin.
Totally
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#27 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 09:34 PM
 
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#28 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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Galatea - Thank you for answering me so eloquently. I can absolutely see what you are saying.

As I said before, my situation is fairly unique...as in there's no way I can could cut them out of my life because I feel that my nephew needs me, y'know?

Honestly, though, I have to admit that there is a discord in my relationship with my brother and SIL that wasn't there before. But, as I am needed and they do feel remorse over the decision they made (in part due to an enormous amount of pressure from her ENTIRE family), I still feel a desire to have them in my life. BTW, they have both said "Never again!" So, if they do have another son in the future, he will remain intact.

Frontierpsych - I'm glad you did not take offense to my asking. For your poll I chose: "No, but I would still be upset over their choice." To expand on that, I don't think my brother and I will ever be as close as we were. So it DID affect our relationship. I still love him and his wife, but I think I have lost...I don't know, I was going to say "a bit of respect for them", but I don't think that's entirely accurate. It's more that there is now a disconnect between us that was never there before. Does that make sense?
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#29 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 11:34 PM
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I severely limited contact for about two years. Then I was able to contact them again (but still don't have frequent contact.)

I had given them all of the information, by the way.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#30 of 59 Old 10-27-2010, 11:46 PM
 
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No. Family trumps foreskin.
Absolutely.

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