My two week old son is staying intact and I am SO happy about it, but I feel torn about WHY he's staying intact. DH fought me big time about circ. #1 was circed in the hospital by choice of his birth mom. #2 was circed because we were young and honestly I did no research on it whatsoever and just did it because it just seemed normal (DH is circ'ed), when #3 was born, it just seemed like the right thing to do because his brothers & dad were circ'ed and honestly I didn't think it was worth fighting over. #4 is a girl. Two weeks ago we had #5, another boy. I just could not imagine circing another baby, so I told DH if he wanted it done, he needed to do it because I was not circing another baby. I rented Penn & Teller's B*llsh*t about circing because he loves that show, and I showed him the research, and he stood his ground... he admitted it was 100% for cosmetic reasons, and even said "I give you everything... I didn't want you to homebirth, but I gave you that because you felt strongly in favor of it.... I always supported you when you decided to breastfeed, cloth diaper, and co-sleep even though they were not always choices I agreed with. This is my ONE thing... and I want you to support me in this like I supported you in everything else".
So I reluctantly agreed.... but again told him he was going to be the one who takes him to the ped, I wanted no part in it. So his appointment is the day after tomorrow. Today I discovered our insurance only covered 90% of my hospital stay, and we have about $600-900 in bills coming up we were not expecting. We also won't have the $175 we needed on Wednesday because new year = new deductable. When we were going over the budget and realized we were over budget this month, DH said that "I guess we just can't afford it".
Why am I feeling torn?! I got my way, DS is staying intact, but I am worried it is for the "wrong" reasons. If Liam asks his daddy why his penis is different, I guess I am worried what he will tell him. Anyone else leave their son intact after circing 2 or more kids....? What did you tell them?
Oh momma! Many many many have left 2nd and later sons intact because they learned the truth and made a different decision when they had the true facts. I hope that several of those mothers come here and share their experiences.
Take it one day at a time and let the issue unfold. Do your older circumcised boys know that they were altered at birth? Have they asked about their new brother's foreskin and why his penis looks different? If so, how have you answered?
I think it's important for each boy to have a healthy sense of himself. I think children understand clear facts in simple terms. They take the info in and move on. If you explain that doctors used to suggest it be done but have changed their minds about it and no longer do it routinely and that everyone's body looks different just like they have different eye color, hair color etc....they will probably say "OK" and go on about their business.
The important part is that a cosmetic permanant alteration of your baby's body (without the baby's consent) has not taken place. You have preserved his bodily integrity. You can tell your dh that if your son wishes to be circumcised when he turns 18, is an adult, and can understand the process, then you will pay for it. Perhaps you can get dh to agree to set some money aside periodically for it if he wants it and if he doesn't request circumcision, pay some college or trade school tution with the money!
There is also a Facebook page devoted to parents with circumcised and intact boys. I can try to find it and share the link with you.
i would try to see this another way, dear Mamma. i would thank God, or your lucky stars or whomever/whatever you believe in... that this is how it worked out. that financial reasons are sparing your son this pain and allowing him to keep his full anatomy.
when things come together like this did (you have an appointment set up that you don't want to keep and now your husband said he can't afford to keep it), that means it's happening for a reason.
just let it be. and don't worry about the future. chances are your son will be GLAD that he's the lucky one who got to keep his foreskin!!! as for explanations, etc., those things have a way of working themselves out.
I think you are feeling torn because you were never able to convince your husband leaving your son intact was the right thing to do. However, he also is not fighting to make sure the circumcision is done (working extra hours, borrowing money, credit card), so maybe that is as much 'acceptance' as he is ready to give.
Besides, the cosmetic argument is one of the worst arguments because everyone will have a different opinion and there is no way to know what your son will want. Leaving him intact is actually taking a neutral stance.
The Facebook group is Keeping Future Sons Intact . This book might also help: What happened? A guide to help children understand the intact and circumcised penis.
Congratulations on keeping your son intact, whatever the reason.
I had a thought on the cosmetic argument today: Unless your hubby is going to walk in, drop his pants, and say "I want it to look just like this." There is no garantee that your DS will look the same. DH has a tight circ (common of the times), DS1 has a really loose circ, and DS2 is intact...so they ALL look different. Take whatever reason you can to keep your son intact...even if it is just money.
To be honest, that isn't a ton of money - maybe dh is using this as a fig leaf to let it slide?
Possibly, but it is cash we don't have on hand without borrowing from savings, and with the bills rolling in from my birth, I think he's thinking it is better spent paying towards those down.
I am feeling MUCH better now about it now and (after the appointment, didn't want a change of heart) and DH and I talked about how to tell him why he's intact and his brothers are circ'ed. His pediatrician's son is also intact, which made me feel better about guarding against retraction. I also found that the circ rates are VERY low in this area, so that made hubby feel better about the "different than his peers" concern.
Thanks for the advice, reassurance, and for letting me air my concerns, baby Liam and I are very grateful.
I see the thread-starter is in Washington. The son in question certainly will have enough friends with foreskin!
If your DH is so focused on his son's appearance being like his, he should restore his foreskin.
Has you DH thought about how he will deal with your son's trauma over other appearance issues? I assume you DH is larger, hairier, may wear glasses, etc. How will he keep form traumatizing your son over those issues?
You son's foreskin should not be a bargaining tool. Your DH is not playing fair. You and he should instead evaluate the advantages and disadvantages. Violating your son's right to bodily integrirty, tremedous pain, chance of complications, reduced sexual function and pleasure, reduced sexual pleasure for his future partners, etc vs him looking the way your DH wants him to look.
Stick to your guns. His body, his choice.
I totally agree. This is your DH's out. Let him take it. He wasn't unaffected by the information you gave him. He just doesn't want to have to come out and say that any mistakes were made in the past.
If he really still wanted it done, he would be on the phone to doctors until he found someone to do it for free or for a $5 a month payment for 5 years, which I'm sure would not be all that hard.
Also you will notice that when money is less tight he won't be scheduling the circ either. He may grumble a few times to keep up the charade that it's too bad it's too late / now too expensive to circ his son.