My best friend is "this close"........ - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 02-06-2011, 09:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My BFF is pregnant with boy #2. First little guy is circed. She had no clue. I had no clue, I only had an older daughter at the time. BFF has learned some functions of the foreskin, the pain in circing, some complications, etc etc. She is very adament about learning about how to manage the pain if she does do it. But GOOD NEWS! Today she called me and told me I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT, but her DH does. She said she is going to learn the techniques and see what can be done. She said her DH is willing to wait a week or so she can get breastfeeding down first. He said even if a DR said it wasn't medically necessary he would still want it done. For no other reason then that he is circed. I don't agree with them, but at the same time its his opinion. She has watched the videos, several times infact. Her DH denies that the baby was crying any more then usual. He doesn't even see the need for pain meds and insists they talk to the DR first. BFF is not stupid and will insist on them anyhow. Her DH is not a cold hearted guy by any means, he is just so damn reliant on doctors. Silliness, but whatever.

 

I am hoping BFFs mama bear instinct kicks in and she wins this battle. I told her that when she holds that little guy and looks his whole precious body over , she will realize how perfect he is. Especially if she waits that week, I doubt she can bond with him and then take him in to have it done. What can I do to push her over that edge. She has slowly gotten more and more receptive to the whole circ/intact topic. First it was the pain meds and now she doesn't want to do it at all. I can't believe it. This is the woman that told me "it doesn't matter what anyone tells me I will circumcise any future boys". My heart melted in to a big pile of mush when she called me today and said she didn't want to do it. I wanted to just go from CO to OH and give her a big hug and some more encouragment. But alas I can't lol.

Does anyone have some really great links?? I sent her the page to the reference library on cirp.org. I told her to ignore the stuff that may seem "crazy" and overly emotional. I encouraged her to focus on the facts: pain, techniques and their complications, what is lost in a circ, the function of the foreskin, possible maternal bonding issues. She needs to focus on facts now, so she can feel informed and educated when people argue with her about it. Oh man I am on the edge of my seat and my stomach is in knots over this. I am SOOOO happy she still has 15wks left. She has come a long way the last 25 wks!


Mama to DD(6) DS(4) DD(2.5)LO(due July 2012): and loving wife to my great DH
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#2 of 7 Old 02-06-2011, 09:42 PM
 
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#3 of 7 Old 02-07-2011, 12:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post


i truly believe that if the woman simply puts her foot down, firmly, that the husband will in most cases acquiese (sp).

 

fingers crossed!! 

 

I agree with this. It really isn't the dad's decision since mom signs the form. Links......... I will PM you a copy of the paper I have written.
 


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#4 of 7 Old 02-07-2011, 10:38 AM
 
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This is really interesting.  I just had a "lightbulb" moment here reading this.  It seems like the words "cosmetic surgery" helped this DH to feel like what was done to him maybe wasn't wrong but just a cosmetic choice and that idea is allowing him to make a different cosmetic choice for his son.  Like instead of talking about how wrong it is to do (which we all obviously know it is), maybe for some DH's focusing on this idea instead allows them to feel OK letting their son keep his foreskin.  Like in their mind, they aren't deciding between right and wrong where wrong equals their penis, they are just making a different cosmetic choice. 

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post

my DH was just like your friend's DH. very reliant on "medical advice." he even asked my OB for his opinion on circumcision. the doctor basically said most parents do it, it's not medically necessary, cited infections and penile cancer. to which, i retorted the actual low low  instances of infection -- and how easily they are cured by antibiotics -- and the insanely low instance of penile cancer. finally, the doc admitted it was mainly a "cosmetic surgery." my DH was surprised by those words, said he had never heard it called cosmetic surgery.

 




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#5 of 7 Old 02-08-2011, 10:15 PM
 
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I told my husband that it wasn't medically necessary and he said, "ok, lets not do it", so I really don't have a clue where guys come from when they need their sons to look like them.

I have asked my husband why it doesn't bother him and he says that he knows that I like him (a lot!) how he is and not cutting our son(s) doesn't mean I don't like him how he is any less. He understands pretty calmly what happened to him.

 

So I think possibly insecurity might be a problem with BFF's hubby. Like, "oh no, my wife knows this different information and now she thinks she is missing out." Or something similar. Or it is perpetuating a cycle. I haven't read enough on the psychological or psychosexual consequences of it to be halfway knowledgeable.

 

Regardless, I really like this link.

 

http://www.thewholenetwork.org/what-is-circumcision.html

 

 

It talks a little bit about how to go about the surgery it if you still plan on doing it even.

 

I wonder if she can hold him off for more than a week. The breastfeeding relationship takes longer than a week to establish. Like... 6 weeks?? To establish a consistent supply.

 

 

Good luck to your friend!!

 

~*Annette

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#6 of 7 Old 02-09-2011, 06:51 AM
 
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#7 of 7 Old 02-09-2011, 09:30 PM
 
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She needs to approach her husband with love, not anger. Tell him that she understands it is important to him, that he wants to do the right thing by their son. She does too. If he is worried about others making fun of him she can explain that the majority of boys are intact now. So he is more likely to be made fun of for being circumcised than intact. If he wants the boy to look like him she needs to gently explain that an infant penis looks nothing like his, circed or not. And by the time it could look like his they will no longer be getting naked around each other. Besides, if the boy had curly hair and dad has straight would he make him straighten it?  Of course not.  At the end of the day, if they can't agree then they need to let their son be the tie breaker. Leave it alone and when he is of legal age he can do what he wants.

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