Does anyone else feel sad for their circ'd partner or husband? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 50 Old 03-28-2011, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe it's silly, but I feel bad to think that someone I care about (or anyone for that matter) was strapped down and went through that much pain because of misinformation. He’s a strong, confident, and independent person, and to think that he was in that helpless position as an infant makes me want to go back in time and protect him like I would if it was my baby. If anyone had tried to restrain this guy as an older teen or adult and cut any part of him “for his own good”, he would have given them a few shiny black eyes to show off, that’s for sure!

 

So, does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me? I don’t dwell on it or bring it up (except now), but it's kind of unsettling after doing so much research about the procedure. If he made this choice as an adult and liked the results, I'd be happy for him; it just seems like an insult that babies aren't trusted to make this personal choice when they're older, and can be given proper pain killers. I asked a nurse once why babies get cut so early on, and she said "Well they wouldn't want it when they're adults!" ... Yikes! Isn't that a good reason not to do it? yikes.gif

 

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#2 of 50 Old 03-28-2011, 10:34 PM
 
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I feel the same way if I think about it.


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#3 of 50 Old 03-28-2011, 10:48 PM
 
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of course!


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#4 of 50 Old 03-28-2011, 10:50 PM
 
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Yes, but I won't say much more.. I am not as anonymous as some of you.
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#5 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 03:49 AM
 
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I don't think it's silly at all. I would think it strange for a woman to be adamantly against circ', to understand it as violent, painful and pointless, but not tear up at the thought of someone she loves having been violated like that. I was able to protect my sons. Hopefully I can protect many more baby boys in the future. But I could not protect the baby boy that later became my husband. That makes me a little sad when I think about it too.

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#6 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 04:14 AM
 
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No, not really. It's kind of pointless and a waste of energy. And at least my DH is completely fine with his own having been circumcised, and I see no reason to challenge that when he is able to separate his own processing of his experience from what should happen to other people. 

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#7 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 10:26 AM
 
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Yes, I do occasionally, and the times I do feel sad correlate with the times I need a break from intactivism.  I also feel sad for myself for what I do not get.


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#8 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 11:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post

No, not really. It's kind of pointless and a waste of energy. And at least my DH is completely fine with his own having been circumcised, and I see no reason to challenge that when he is able to separate his own processing of his experience from what should happen to other people. 



This is how I feel. He doesn't know what he's missing, you know? And sex is still quite pleasurable for him...


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#9 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 11:41 AM
 
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I did when I first learned about circ. But, it's DH- he's okay with it so I'm okay with it. If I could go back in time and protect him, I would, but I wouldn't ask him to change it now. I am just thankful that he didn't want to make our son go through that same pain (I would never have allowed it anyway!)

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#10 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 02:05 PM
 
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It hits me from time to time. Dh does have a skin bridge that causes him problems from time to time and it is a direct result of his circ so every time I see it I think about what he went through as a helpless newborn.

I have talked to dh about how I feel and he understands and knows that no matter what I love him the way he is.

 
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#11 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 02:18 PM
 
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If I did, I certainly would not be posting about it on a public message board.
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#12 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 02:20 PM
 
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I do, but only b/c he feels badly about it.  He feels like he was wronged and I share in that grief with him.  If he were fine with it, I'm sure I'd never feel badly for him.  


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#13 of 50 Old 03-29-2011, 08:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oops... I didn't mean to come across as being too open... even though BF doesn't lurk here, if I thought he'd mind at all, I wouldn't have posted it. I was just curious if anyone felt similarly.
 

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If I did, I certainly would not be posting about it on a public message board.


 

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#14 of 50 Old 03-30-2011, 10:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Lory View Post

Oops... I didn't mean to come across as being too open... even though BF doesn't lurk here, if I thought he'd mind at all, I wouldn't have posted it. I was just curious if anyone felt similarly.
 



 


I feel that discussions like these are a huge violation of privacy and are blatantly disrespectful of the men described. I don't care how well-intentioned he might be, I would never, ever want my husband posting details about my sexual anatomy and his feelings about that on the internet. It's such a breach of trust that I honestly have difficulty finding words to express the enormity of how wrong I find it.

Clearly not everyone feels this way.
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#15 of 50 Old 03-30-2011, 01:07 PM
 
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I have no problem with it because my dh knows about it and dosnt have a problem with it. I am thankful that I have this community of like minded people to talk to about this kind of thing. It helps to get others thoughts on the issue.

 
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#16 of 50 Old 03-30-2011, 01:13 PM
 
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Honestly, it doesn't bother me. My DH was raised as a Jew, and that is what is usually done. It doesn't bother him either. Now, if we had a son, we wouldn't circ him, but 1. we do not practice Judaism, and 2. as such, we think it is pointless to do something cruel to a newborn's penis without religious grounds. And if we did have a son and did want to raise him as a Jew, then we'd want a bris shalom instead.


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#17 of 50 Old 03-30-2011, 01:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post

I have no problem with it because my dh knows about it and dosnt have a problem with it. I am thankful that I have this community of like minded people to talk to about this kind of thing. It helps to get others thoughts on the issue.


Same here. In fact, my DH talks about his sexual anatomy, what was done to him, and how he and I feel about it, both online and in person to anyone and everyone. So it is hardly a problem for me to mention here that I feel bad that he was violated as a child, and that the amputation has impacted our sex life now that we are in middle age.

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#18 of 50 Old 03-31-2011, 03:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jenP View Post





Same here. In fact, my DH talks about his sexual anatomy, what was done to him, and how he and I feel about it, both online and in person to anyone and everyone. So it is hardly a problem for me to mention here that I feel bad that he was violated as a child, and that the amputation has impacted our sex life now that we are in middle age.



You're not middle-aged!


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#19 of 50 Old 04-02-2011, 09:24 AM
 
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Mine doesn't seem to regret being circ'd and our sex life is wonderful. I always wondered how different an intact penis would be but it doesn't affect anything that I can tell. What I mean is there have been no negatives. We won't be circ'ing any boys we have and dh says there's no reason to. At some point you just let things go, especially when it's 30+ years ago and things were done automatically. Some things I don't let go and there have been other things I've learned that made me feel bad for him but it was more a parenting thing, and not something like back in the 70's you automatically circ and bottlefeed. If the guy doesn't care then don't waste time feeling sorry for him.

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#20 of 50 Old 04-08-2011, 10:16 AM
 
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Exactly. I have never spoken to another male who is circ'd that has regrets. I would be horribly upset had this not been done as an infant. I've watched these surgeries on adult men and its no cakewalk through recovery! I'm glad it was done and have absolutely no regrets. A chunk of useless skin is no reason to get upset over losing. If I were to ever have a son, he will be circ'd also. If the guy isn't bothered, nobody else should be...just wasted emotions..IMO.

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#21 of 50 Old 04-08-2011, 11:23 AM
 
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stick around. You'll see some men who are bothered enough by what was done to them as an infant that they're restoring. tlc tugger doesn't remain in business for no reason. *they're making money off their restoration products* The foreskin is by no means useless. Google it. I just did and this simple list of foreskin functions came up. http://www.circumstitions.com/Functions.html

 

You do, however, have a point that it can be considered wasted emotions if the guy isn't bothered. I feel a little sad thinking about my dh as a newborn and how painful it must have been for him. For now, I just feel more sad for *me*! The friction created when there's no mobile skin can sure be uncomfortable sometimes. 


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#22 of 50 Old 04-08-2011, 11:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Galatea View Post





You're not middle-aged!


You're sweet! But we are in our 40's. I hope I haven't reached the mid-point of my life, but I would say it is the "middle years." (0-40, first third of life; 40- 80, second third, 80 - 120, the final third :lol: I plan on living a long time)

And let me tell you, the effects of circumcision on our sex life in our 20's and 30's was very minor, just the severely bent penis which truly didn't make a huge difference. It has only become a big problem now, with the keratinization and lack of sensation. So people with circumcised partners and a "GREAT" sex life now, just wait.....I know intact men and restored men in their 40's, and people, sex does NOT have to decline in your 40's!!! It's the circumcision causing it.

 

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#23 of 50 Old 04-08-2011, 02:58 PM
 
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Exactly. I have never spoken to another male who is circ'd that has regrets. I would be horribly upset had this not been done as an infant. I've watched these surgeries on adult men and its no cakewalk through recovery! I'm glad it was done and have absolutely no regrets. A chunk of useless skin is no reason to get upset over losing. If I were to ever have a son, he will be circ'd also. If the guy isn't bothered, nobody else should be...just wasted emotions..IMO.


I've talked to a few who have had issues directly related to circs that were too tight. And I've talked to numerous women who suffer in their sex lives due to the fact that their partners were circ'd. But I think that's great that you are fine with it. My dh is fine with his as well and so am I. But, he was well aware of the issues that can be caused by circ and was completely against circ for our boys.

As adult, with the full knowledge of what being circ'd mean (though without knowledge of what the forskin is, you really aren't educated in what it means), you are saying that you would never want to be circ'd. But you feel that the pain and recovery an infant who can't ask for pain medication or even say they don't want an importand part of their anatomy cut off is OK? Am I misinterpreting this?


As for it being a piece of useless skin, you are obviously unaware of the function of the foreskin. I would suggest taking the time to read about the very integral part of the male anatomy before assuming that it is useless.
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3509.html
http://mensightmagazine.com/Articles/Fleiss,%20M.%20Paul/tellaboutcirc.htm

I do agree that it would be useless to you to waste emotion on it. But it isn't a waste of time to educate yourself about it.

 
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#24 of 50 Old 04-08-2011, 07:20 PM
 
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Not a bit. I WILL NOT be circumcising this baby but I like DH's penis and we have a great sex life. He doesn't miss his foreskin and I'm glad, I think people need to be happy with their bodies. I know there are men who try to grow it back or whatever but that is not our situation and I'm honestly thankful for that. I'm also thankful he's never had a problem from being circ'd such as painful erections. I love all of him and I don't feel bad for something that happened 30 years ago. 


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#25 of 50 Old 04-08-2011, 07:27 PM
 
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I just want to clarify myself bc the way PediNP agreed with me makes it look like I feel the same way...

 

My point is that if the man does not regret being circ, I don't feel the need to feel sorry for him, *as the grown man that he is*. As a baby, yeah, because think of how even less pain relief was used back then. But I am totally against circ'ing and would NEVER do that to my child. I am even one of *those* people who think it should not be offered or covered by insurance except for very rare medical cases. And my husband wouldn't want his boys circ'd either, even though he *was* circ and doesn't feel he has any problems from it. I just do not put much emotion into regretting something for him like that when he doesn't care his own self.


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#26 of 50 Old 04-09-2011, 04:15 AM
 
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I'm all for acceptance of what is, but you can't skip over the grief phase and go right to acceptance.  I think that neither very few circumcised men nor their partners are really aware of what they are missing (how could they be, not having experienced it?)  I think that the attitude of "I'm not going to waste emotion on something he doesn't care about" is pretty callous and unimaginative, and probably exists b/c of continuing cultural bias.  If a woman came from Africa to your hometown, and you discovered she had been circumcised, but she was fine with it and said she had a great sex life (as most circumcised women actually report), would you all, as women, still be fine with it?  Or would you be horrified and disgusted, and think, "She may think she is fine, but she doesn't know what she is missing - I couldn't even imagine having sex without my clitoris/clitoral hood/inner labia!"  B/c if you would be thinking the latter, you need to reexamine your cultural biases and your sense of empathy.  Your husbands were tied down as babies and had part of their genitals sliced away with no pain relief (anyone of adult age now had ~0% chance of anesthesia.)  If that doesn't make you sad, then I don't know what would.  Anyone whose body was cut without their consent was wounded, period.


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#27 of 50 Old 04-09-2011, 10:35 AM
 
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Quote:Originally Posted by jenP View Post

 

And let me tell you, the effects of circumcision on our sex life in our 20's and 30's was very minor, just the severely bent penis which truly didn't make a huge difference. It has only become a big problem now, with the keratinization and lack of sensation. So people with circumcised partners and a "GREAT" sex life now, just wait.....I know intact men and restored men in their 40's, and people, sex does NOT have to decline in your 40's!!! It's the circumcision causing it.

 

Isn't that the truth - A lot  of people are in for a nasty surprise in a decade or two.  Ever wonder why there a few, if any ads on TV in Europe for Viagra, Cialis etc, and yet we are inundated with them here in North America.

 



 

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#28 of 50 Old 04-09-2011, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is what I meant. Despite how long ago it happened, there's a physical scar left where he was clamped and cut. Thankfully, he's not upset about the pain he can't remember, but he has said that he feels some disgust about the actual procedure because he feels that something he never got to try out was thrown in the garbage.

 

I remember the first time I learned about FGM and my vagina "hurt" for days just from reading about it, so I think I just have way too much empathy for my own good.
 

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Your husbands were tied down as babies and had part of their genitals sliced away with no pain relief (anyone of adult age now had ~0% chance of anesthesia.)  If that doesn't make you sad, then I don't know what would.  Anyone whose body was cut without their consent was wounded, period.


 

 

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#29 of 50 Old 04-09-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by PediNP View Post

Exactly. I have never spoken to another male who is circ'd that has regrets. I would be horribly upset had this not been done as an infant. I've watched these surgeries on adult men and its no cakewalk through recovery! I'm glad it was done and have absolutely no regrets. A chunk of useless skin is no reason to get upset over losing. If I were to ever have a son, he will be circ'd also. If the guy isn't bothered, nobody else should be...just wasted emotions..IMO.

 

 

Here are some peer-reviewed studies you may want to look at regarding the anatomy of that chunk of skin (and muscle and mucous membrane):

 

http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/taylor/  (Note: has some pictures of penises used in the study)

http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/sorrells_2007/


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#30 of 50 Old 04-09-2011, 07:29 PM
 
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Just a gentle reminder of the forum guidelines:
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We are not interested in hosting discussion on merits of routine infant medical circumcision

 
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