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#1 of 47 Old 07-08-2011, 07:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Deleting most of my posts on this site, but wanted to single out  this post for having the most horrible, mean and hurtful posts I've ever recieved on an online forum.  The only thread I ever started who's responses actually made me cry.

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#2 of 47 Old 07-08-2011, 09:18 PM
 
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I've heard of mamas writing in Sharpie on a baby's tummy "If you circumcise me my mom will sue you. She does NOT consent to this."


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#3 of 47 Old 07-08-2011, 09:39 PM
 
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He can take your ds without you and get it done at most any ped's office. It has almost happened before but thankfully the mama caught wind of it and put a stop to it. He was going to give her some free mommy time and take the baby to have it done then bring him back that way greensad.gifbanghead.gif

The only 100% guarantee you have that he cant do it is to not let him leave the house alone with your ds for at least the first year of life. After that he will have to have general anesthesia to have it done and they would need your consent to have it done at that time.

I hope you are able to convince him but if not then you will just have to put your foot down and make sure he dosnt get an opportunity to take him without you knowing and have it done.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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#4 of 47 Old 07-08-2011, 11:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#5 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 06:27 AM
 
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As a custodial parent, he can give consent. You can put notes in all his patient files at the Ped and hospital. If you are really concerned, you can get a court order to forbid it. Better yet, convice him. Sit down with him at Circumcision Decision-Maker. It takes you through each of your reasons for wanting circumcision one at a time and then gives you some expert opinion. It also has a lot of information on penis anatomy, how the foreskin develops, circumcision, and care of the intact penis including washing instructions.

 

 

 

 

 

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#6 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 12:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 1love4ever View Post

That is disappointing to hear!!  I will ask when I take DD in for her 18 month checkup, and maybe they can keep something on record that says that they do not have my consent?  Thankfully DH is gone a lot for work, so he would have much less opportunities to do this than a normal father would.   I have a few connections at the local hospital and clinic (I am a former nursing student), so I will see who is working in the offices these days and can set up some spies, although most of the people who I was friends with do not work in pediatrics:(

Thank you for your help.  Anyone else have any experiences or advice to share?  How about some short but powerful statements opposing circ?


Remember even if you touch base with your regular ped and the local hospital the other ped's offices around where you live wouldnt know and could still do it. So unless you call every single office and have a record made then your ds would still be at risk should he decide to take it that far.

I wish you luck on convincing him how silly he is being.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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#7 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 02:37 PM
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Here is a link for YOU to read and think about.  Do NOT share it with your dh.  (It's our little secret!!)

 

http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html

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#8 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#9 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 03:46 PM
 
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I know the words of a stranger probably won't sway your SO, but I've worked in child care for over 10 years and every year there are more and more boys that are intact.  In my current class (toddlers), it's about 1/2 and 1/2.  So there are definitely plenty of intact boys around these days.

 

 

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#10 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 09:22 PM
 
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There is something wrong with your dp if he's so untrustworthy that you'd have to call even one doctor's office to keep him from getting your son circumcised.

 

Maybe you could make a deal. He waits until your son can consent to surgery, or at least until your son can retract on his own, before he brings up circumcision OR he can talk to you about circumcising your son as soon as he (your dp) breaks the connections between his own fingernails and nail beds.

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#11 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 10:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#12 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 10:12 PM
 
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Your DP just needs to understand that you are talking about purely COSMETIC surgery, which has many inherent risks.  This is your son's body. Your son's penis, and it should him and him alone who gets to decide if he wants it modified.  This is not a decision that anyone else has a right to make.

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#13 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 10:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#14 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 11:03 PM
 
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look for the link to the video Elephant in the Hospital. it's a very logical, very calm indictment against circumcision. it's presented by a man. who is so calm and unemotional. and yet, so convincing against the perceived "need" to circumcise. watch it yourself. then, perhaps, find a way to share it with your DH.

 

has your husband threatened to go and get it done himself, or are you just being paranoid/worrying about the possibility?

 

i would NOT tell him that you are going to the ped. to preempt such a thing. just stay calm yourself and be firm. that he has to convince YOU why your son needs surgery on a healthy, functioning body part. if there is no medical reason for circumcision, then it's purely cosmetic. therefore, the onus is on HIM to prove to YOU why your newborn needs cosmetic surgery. that's your line, it's ALL TRUE, and you will stick to it.


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#15 of 47 Old 07-09-2011, 11:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will watch that, thank you.  No he has not threatened to go get it done himself, I am just worrying about the possibility, being paranoid.  I will certainly not mention it to him!  And yes I will ask him to explain to me why he thinks our son needs this cosmetic procedure.  Obviously we all know that he can not come up with any truely good reasons, and I can come up with a million against the surgery, so you know who will win lol.  Maybe I can even get my midwife to show a video about circ at our birth classes:)

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#16 of 47 Old 07-10-2011, 06:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrightLights View Post

There is something wrong with your dp if he's so untrustworthy that you'd have to call even one doctor's office to keep him from getting your son circumcised.

 

Maybe you could make a deal. He waits until your son can consent to surgery, or at least until your son can retract on his own, before he brings up circumcision OR he can talk to you about circumcising your son as soon as he (your dp) breaks the connections between his own fingernails and nail beds.

welcome BrightLights.  please read this article, it will help you to understand why this person's dp is adamant.  http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/vincent/vulnerability_of_men.html  the only thing that is wrong w/ this person is that 1. they were circumcised through no fault of their own  2. cultural conditioning  3. protection of himself from dealing w/ the pain of this realitiy.  i do hope you'll stick around & work at helping others to deal w/ this.  it is not easy and the mothers looking for support need our support, not pointing out the flaws in their partners.

 

sincerely,

sus

 


 

 


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#17 of 47 Old 07-10-2011, 06:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 1love4ever View Post

I will watch that, thank you.  No he has not threatened to go get it done himself, I am just worrying about the possibility, being paranoid.  I will certainly not mention it to him!  And yes I will ask him to explain to me why he thinks our son needs this cosmetic procedure.  Obviously we all know that he can not come up with any truely good reasons, and I can come up with a million against the surgery, so you know who will win lol.  Maybe I can even get my midwife to show a video about circ at our birth classes:)


i'm wondering two things:  1.  maybe you should not bring it up to him any more.  you've said you won't let it happen.  you do not need to convince him, you just need to protect your child.  2.  alternatively, what if you start bringing it up via email?  i think there was another mom on here who did that.  tammysmith, i think it was.  you can send a link or two that way & he can digest it (or not) at his own pace.

 

you're in a tough spot.  i hope he comes around, but if not, at least you know your son won't have to deal w/ the same pain.

 

sus

 


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#18 of 47 Old 07-10-2011, 07:56 AM
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I'm so glad you found the link helpful.  I think an approach of "wow, I love you, sexy man, and by the way, we're not circumcising our son," is the best approach for men who are sensitive about their own circs. 


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#19 of 47 Old 07-11-2011, 09:55 AM
 
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My partner was very pro-circ, too...and, like you, every conversation ended in me crying and him being annoyed that I wouldn't just stop talking about it. So I wrote him a letter with all my reasons for not having this done to our son. He read it while alone and didn't have me hounding him. It worked! I got him to *listen* and he got to really understand my points without emotion. I also wrote at the end that I still loved *his* penis, but this wasn't about him.

Maybe that would work for you?
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#20 of 47 Old 07-11-2011, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is a very good idea AfricanQueen, thank you!!  I can not beleive that I did not think of that, that is an excellent idea!  If you would like to tell me more about what you wrote, please PM me so I can get a really good idea of what to say!   :)

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#21 of 47 Old 07-12-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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PM'd you, mama. :)


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#22 of 47 Old 07-13-2011, 09:55 PM
 
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This is another excellent resource to educate yourself and him about the function of the foreskin.  We are so culturally acclimated that the foreskin is just something you cut off rather than understanding it's true function.  Perhaps this will educate him in a very straight up factual manner.  If not, there is always Penn and Teller!\

 

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/video/prepuce.html 


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#23 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 10:09 AM
 
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Uh... if you think he would go behind your back on such a major decision why are you still with him? I think everybody encouraging lies and secretiveness are just exacerbating the problem... yuck. I would leave him if I had even the slightest doubt that my partner would do something he knew I felt strongly against. Nu uh. No. 

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#24 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow PP, thanks for that.  Your heartless comment is exactly what I needed at this point in my life.  You know there are so many things that are happening in peoples lives that you have no idea about.  Maybe you need to think more about what you say before you say it.  That was really mean.  Just what I needed to shatter the very thin mask I am wearing to keep from breaking down in front of my kids.

I posted on here for encouragment and ideas to HELP me.  And for the most part, everyone has been so wonderful and very encouraging, and they have helped me a lot.  Thank you, truely, to everyone else.  As far as you go PP, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I am a mother and a person just like you, why do you feel you have the right to say mean things to me, to try to bring me down and discourage me?  How old are you anyway?  Most of the people who I know grew out of this behavior in middle school.

My husband is the only thing keeping our lives together right now.  Just because we disagree on something does not mean we should not be together.  He has not done anything wrong, he just has different beliefs, which I am trying to change.  I am protecting my child, and that is all that matters.

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#25 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 12:45 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post

Uh... if you think he would go behind your back on such a major decision why are you still with him? I think everybody encouraging lies and secretiveness are just exacerbating the problem... yuck. I would leave him if I had even the slightest doubt that my partner would do something he knew I felt strongly against. Nu uh. No. 


Even if she did leave him he would still be the father of the child and he would still be able to take the baby and have him circ'd if he wanted to.  So that really doesn't solve any problems, just creates new ones. 

 


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#26 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thats an excellent point

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#27 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 03:40 PM
 
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Wow PP, thanks for that.  Your heartless comment is exactly what I needed at this point in my life.  You know there are so many things that are happening in peoples lives that you have no idea about.  Maybe you need to think more about what you say before you say it.  That was really mean.  Just what I needed to shatter the very thin mask I am wearing to keep from breaking down in front of my kids.

I posted on here for encouragment and ideas to HELP me.  And for the most part, everyone has been so wonderful and very encouraging, and they have helped me a lot.  Thank you, truely, to everyone else.  As far as you go PP, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I am a mother and a person just like you, why do you feel you have the right to say mean things to me, to try to bring me down and discourage me?  How old are you anyway?  Most of the people who I know grew out of this behavior in middle school.

My husband is the only thing keeping our lives together right now.  Just because we disagree on something does not mean we should not be together.  He has not done anything wrong, he just has different beliefs, which I am trying to change.  I am protecting my child, and that is all that matters.


I'm 27 and a mother of soon-to-be four, thanks for asking. I am not heartless and I am not sure what you expect when you post on a public forum. of course I don't know everything that is going on in your life, nor do you know everything that is going on in mine or anybody's on this forum. I didn't think I was mean, I was simply blunt and I meant what I said...if you don't trust your partner to not do something so vile as to circumcise your child behind your back then I don't understand why you would even stay with him. That is mind blowing to me. Perhaps I was harsh in my delivery but the posts telling you to do this and that in secret doesn't seem helpful at all -to me- it seems like creating more (as there clearly seems to be some) distrust in your relationship and in your parenting partnership. 

 

I didn't read it as you and your DP disagreed you said that it would be possible that he would do this behind your back (Thus the suggestion to write on the baby with a sharpie) and that is just amazingly NOT okay, -to me- it's a deal breaker -to me-. If you didn't want opinions than I don't know what to tell you, that's just how it works on a public forum. I guess if it -were me- and you are unable to leave such a person than I would tell him flat out that he will not be circumcising my child and I wouldn't leave him alone with him, period. I'm not going to sit and pretend that it's normal and healthy that your partner would do this. I'm just not going to. 

 

I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and change his mind and that you two discuss whatever it is that is making you feel he would do this. 

 

Good day. 

 

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#28 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 03:42 PM
 
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Even if she did leave him he would still be the father of the child and he would still be able to take the baby and have him circ'd if he wanted to.  So that really doesn't solve any problems, just creates new ones. 

 



So you think she should stay with a man who would take her child to the doctor, behind her back, and have his body altered, behind her back, to put him through a procedure that could be deadly, behind her back... 

 

Is that what you really think? Am I so off base here? 


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#29 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 04:26 PM
 
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So you think she should stay with a man who would take her child to the doctor, behind her back, and have his body altered, behind her back, to put him through a procedure that could be deadly, behind her back... 

 

Is that what you really think? Am I so off base here? 




First of all, she never said he was going to do this.  She said she wanted to cover the bases, just in case.  Because apparently he feels as passionate about circ'ing as we do about not circ'ing.  It doesn't sound like her DH wants to circ their son just to cause him pain.  He just wants to do what he thinks is best, unfortunately he's misinformed on the topic.  I wouldn't tell her to leave him over that.  

 

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#30 of 47 Old 07-16-2011, 04:37 PM
 
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So you think she should stay with a man who would take her child to the doctor, behind her back, and have his body altered, behind her back, to put him through a procedure that could be deadly, behind her back... 

 

Is that what you really think? Am I so off base here? 


He's not indicating that he will do this. She just trying to cover her bases in case the two parents, who will have an equal say in decision-making after this child's birth, can not come to an agreement on this before the birth. It doesn't seem like a good suggestion to break up an otherwise healthy family over that.

To the OP, I really hope you can change his mind so you can stop worrying about this!! Looks like you are getting some good advice here for the most part. It must be difficult for the two of you to be on opposite sides of such an important issue. I must admit that I'm a little taken aback by the statement, "My husband is the only thing keeping our lives together right now." It seems dangerous to me to put so much responsibility on one person and is the only indicator that there might be deeper problems in your marriage that I've seen in your posts on this thread. However, I can totally see how you might exaggerate in response to feeling attacked and it's none of our business anyway, because the general health of your marriage is not what you are asking about here.

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