What happens when the parents cant agree? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 39 Old 02-27-2013, 04:59 PM
 
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Unfortunately, when DH and I disagreed, I gave into his bullying and got our son circumcised. Needless to say that "routine" procedure put us through almost 2 years of hell, countless urologist visits and 2 more surgeries to correct what the original dr. botched. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have given in, if he really was going to leave me or not want to be in our sons life and the other angry(and I am just going to assume were empty) threats, he could go ahead. My child is more important.


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#32 of 39 Old 02-27-2013, 04:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rielly View Post

This thread is very helpful. I just found out we're expecting a boy and I suspect my husband will be pro-circ. I'm a nurse and am 100% against circumcision. I've seen so many of them performed (by OB interns no less!) and I could never subject a newborn to that kind of trauma. Our first child is a girl so this never came up for us. Is anyone aware of any videos or documentaries I could show my husband to help make him aware of what the procedure entails & the risks involved? I want to convince him, but I don't want to come across as a know-it-all who doesn't respect his opinion. We had a homebirth last time, but this time we'll be using a birthing center bc my midwife will be out of town when I'm likely to deliver. I still need to ask my OB about how this issue is handled at the birthing Ctr. Hoping they don't offer it as a matter of course.

 

The Penn and teller episode on circumcision may be the easiest for him to understand without doing the mountains of research that many of the rest of us do.

 

Here is the episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNKmfUZUlbo

 

This page describes the function of the foreskin. http://www.coloradonocirc.org/foreskin.php

 

A man describes his experience of having a full circumcision for non medical reasons as an adult. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAHGFx95D80

 

Soraya Mire describes her view of male and female forced genital alterations. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggqa6CCTR-4

 

Guide to the intact penis. http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/info/physiciansguide.html

 

Circumcision decision maker. http://circumcisiondecisionmaker.com/

 

And finally you should show him a video of a circumcision being performed. When I first saw one I was horrified and absolutely infuriated! Here is one that deeply disturbs me to even look up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDuDhkiDdns

 

Show him all of these things and if he still insists remember that you have the ability to single handedly prevent this from occurring. You are the only one that can protect your son at the most vulnerable point in his life, he is depending on you. Don't let him down.

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#33 of 39 Old 02-27-2013, 08:59 PM
 
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Thank you, Mitchell. These are great resources. I still have to put out feelers as to his opinion, but I like to come armed to a potential fight. I'm pretty sure he will be pro-circ. Like I said, I have seen many circs in the nursery. They are indeed very disturbing to watch. I convinced him to have a homebirth the first time around and I'm generally very easy going in terms of other big life decisions, so I'm very hopeful I can get this done without a (big) fight. But fight I will should it come to that. I just could not stand for it. I will post back here and let you know how it goes. I probably won't be able to bring it up until this weekend. Thank you again for your support. Much appreciated.
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#34 of 39 Old 02-28-2013, 09:03 AM
 
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Reilly,  There are a couple of excellent videos out there that may help:

 

An Elephant in the Hospital:  http://www.youtube/watch?v=ZSM-SkwGEf0   Narrated by a doctor, it just gives the facts in a non emotional and very rational way.  I love it - it is so "common sense".

 

Penn &Teller:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLGcqPE7xu0&feature=related   This is a bit coarse, but very funny and should appeal to any man.

 

Just remember, the foreskin in question belongs to your son.  No one else.  So it should be him that decides if he wants to keep it or not.  There are thousands of men out there who are really angry that their parents and the medical community took that choice away from them.  Also, I suspect that should you back down to your DH, then you will resent him for ever for forcing you into damaging your son.

 

Good luck, and feel free to ask any more questions.

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#35 of 39 Old 02-28-2013, 10:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hakunangovi View Post

Reilly,  There are a couple of excellent videos out there that may help:

 

An Elephant in the Hospital:  http://www.youtube/watch?v=ZSM-SkwGEf0   Narrated by a doctor, it just gives the facts in a non emotional and very rational way.  I love it - it is so "common sense".

 

Penn &Teller:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLGcqPE7xu0&feature=related   This is a bit coarse, but very funny and should appeal to any man.

 

Just remember, the foreskin in question belongs to your son.  No one else.  So it should be him that decides if he wants to keep it or not.  There are thousands of men out there who are really angry that their parents and the medical community took that choice away from them.  Also, I suspect that should you back down to your DH, then you will resent him for ever for forcing you into damaging your son.

 

Good luck, and feel free to ask any more questions.

 

Great links... I think I will show these to my friend who's pregnant with a baby boy. I just fear her backlash that I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong...

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#36 of 39 Old 02-28-2013, 11:50 AM
 
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I watched the "Elephant in the Hospital" lecture in nursing school. Thank you for the reminder. I pre-screened all of the videos last night. Really great resources. I think I will start with a verbal argument & then move on to the baby being circ'd on you tube and follow up w the lecture and Penn, etc if need be. I think that video of the infant is particularly effective because the viewer hears both the baby and the father. The father sounds like he really regrets consenting.

I would indeed resent my husband, but mostly myself, if I were to back down. I'm prepared to negotiate, too. I've thought I could offer him sole "naming rights" if it comes to that, although I highly doubt it will. It's sad that this is a cultural norm for us that we have to push up against.
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#37 of 39 Old 02-28-2013, 11:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by EchoSoul View Post

Great links... I think I will show these to my friend who's pregnant with a baby boy. I just fear her backlash that I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong...

That's why it's called INFORMED consent smile.gif
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#38 of 39 Old 03-01-2013, 07:56 PM
 
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Beware- long post!

Ok so I have officially underestimated the greatness of DH. I wasn't planning on bringing anything up until tomorrow, but we were sitting together on the couch and he brought out his planner to share some boy names that he jotted down during work. Well, I found it very nice that he included names that I know give him pause because he knows I like them. There were some great new names on the list, as well, which we both really liked. It was a happy moment full of joy & anticipation for the new baby. We may have found our working title! Then he asked if I had thought of any new names.

No, I said, I have been preoccupied with something else. I'm really incredibly reluctant to circumcise the baby, so I've been spending my free time researching that. I've seen so many circ's in the hospital, and they strike me as very brutal.

Well, his response was WAY better than I anticipated. He said he has had conversations with his business partner about his decision to circ or leave his own sons intact. It appears that his business partner thought the only reason to circ would be locker room teasing. My husband thinks he & his wife decided against it, but can't remember for sure.

Since he brought up the cosmetic aspect, I decided to bring up the regional circ stats that I read in the links provided by this forum. I also pointed out that circumcision is illegal in the UK, and very rare throughout Europe & North America outside of the US. Thanks to you all, I was able to rattle of some impressive stats, proving that trends show that hardly any US born child will be alone in their intact state in a large group of peers. I also raised the point I heard in the Penn & Teller episode about teaching children to love their bodies as they are made by nature. I think that resonated with my husband even more than the stats.

He said he would like to talk to his brothers about their decisions, and I suspect their sons are circumcised. Because of this I asked him, what if you couldn't get feedback from anyone else? What if you had to decide based on the information you have, your instinct as a parent, and nothing more? He replied that he would choose in that case to leave our son intact. I said, me, too. I can't bear the thought of putting any baby, let alone my baby through a medically unnecessary, painful surgery. I told him that I won't change my mind no matter what people say, although I will listen to them if that's what he wants to do, because I suspect that they made their decision to go through with circumcision based largely on some combination of misinformation and cultural bias. I also don't think it's any of their business. I said that our son's body would be his own, and that I don't like the idea of some antiquated ritual getting in the way of his autonomy. He kind of made a joke out if that, but it didn't feel dismissive. He just said, that doesn't surprise me- we all know you're an undercover hippy. He is also an undercover hippy, so this is something of an inside joke for us.

This seemed to settle it, and we went back to discussing names and what to get DH's older brother for his birthday. I feel hugely relieved and I just wanted to post to let those of you who shared your perspectives and knowledge with me know how much I appreciate it. I am very confident in my decision, and I think that confidence allowed me to discuss the issue w DH in a calm, non-threatening way, and for that I thank you all.
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#39 of 39 Old 03-01-2013, 10:46 PM
 
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That is wonderful news Rielly, I am glad that it all worked out for you and your husband.

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