Circumcision Affects the Man - A Husband's Tale - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 11-01-2012, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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            My husband did not offer informed consent to being circumcised. No one can inform an infant. No one can ask him if he’d like his body cut into pieces or left intact. But I’m betting that 10 out of 10 newborn boys would vote for keeping their bodies intact and would vote against having anything cut off.  But guessing at a baby’s reaction to circumcision is not my goal. I’m trying to let you know the very real first person experience of my husband and I.

            I love him. I really like his penis. I enjoy having sex with him and consider him to be the best lover I’ve ever had. And yet….last year we ran into a period of time when he was anorgasmic (not reaching orgasm during sexual intercourse). Orgasm during intercourse is one of his favorite things. Losing it caused a lot of questioning in our relationship and a lot of beliefs on my part that there were underlying issues he wasn’t talking to me about. Why didn’t he feel safe enough with me to let go into orgasm? Did he think I was ugly or mean? It turns out, it didn't have much to do with me. We’ve recently come into a time when he’s talking about circumcision and telling me how his penis is less sensitive than it used to be. He judges it as less attractive and powerful than it used to be. These beliefs are directly connected to his challenges in reaching orgasm.

            We recently moved to a place where people swim and sun in the nude. There he sees many other men. Some are cut. Some are intact. He feels deep envy towards the men who are intact. He imagines they are better lovers than he is. He imagines they can feel more and therefore pleasure their partners better. He is angry that this barrier of envy and insecurity comes between him and other men he would like to call brother and with whom he wants to feel deep connection.

             I just tried to watch a circumcision video on YouTube. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. Just watching the needle getting inserted into the base of the boy’s penis and hearing the very casual talk around ‘the procedure’ was awful and disturbing. No one was screaming and saying “Don’t do this!” No one was advocating for that baby boy. It sounded like it was a matter-of-fact day-on-the-job sort of experience. That is truly disturbing.

           We can’t break out of prison until we know we are in prison. The jail is in our own minds, in our own awareness. How can we stop genital mutilation if people still think it’s a matter-of-fact day-on-the-job procedure? How can circumcised men heal from the pain of their mutilation if they can find no one willing to listen to their pain? How can we truly know what men are like if we define normal based on a standard that inextricably interweaves pain, violation, sex, and love right after birth? Let’s ask the hard questions. With honesty, we can create a safer world for everyone.

           This issue is not completely healed for my husband. He will never have a foreskin again. But through some radical honesty, he has been able to come home to his body again. He talked. He yelled. He cried. He told me thoughts, beliefs, fantasies, and ideas he had  - many of which he thought were totally unacceptable. Finding acceptance, love, and reflection even in his moments of shame and pain has allowed us to grow closer to one another. Lovely orgasms are happening again. The emotional pain can be healed and can even be used as fuel for transformation.

 

Kassandra Brown is a parent coach and advocate for the healing power of honesty. She welcomes your stories, questions, and comments at [Admin note: Link removed as promotional posting of commercial sites is not permitted].

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#2 of 6 Old 11-01-2012, 08:39 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing this Kassandra. I'm a 35 year old male and can identify completely with everything your husband is feeling. I'm fortunate enough to have a partner who is caring and compassionate and supporting. She also supports my foreskin restoration efforts which have literally revolutionized my sex life (and you can tell your husband that this is not a placebo effect).

 

I also find it frustrating that it is very difficult to share this pain with others - societies, communities, and families who mutilate their children generally do not accept any consequent suffering as valid, and are more likely to recommend therapy for "unresolved" issues rather than acknowledge the horror of what has been done. This can make for an intensely private form of suffering, and your husband is extraordinarily lucky to have someone with whom he can be completely open with.

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#3 of 6 Old 11-02-2012, 11:18 AM
 
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Good post. i am untouched so I dont know how others feel without this important part. it must be devastating.

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#4 of 6 Old 11-02-2012, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Spacediver,

I'm glad to hear your restoration efforts have been helpful. I don't yet really understand how that works, but am glad there are people like you who've successfully gone through the process and can offer understanding to my husband (and me) if he does go that route.

~Kassandra
 

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#5 of 6 Old 11-03-2012, 07:05 PM
 
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Kassandra, thank you for posting your story.  You are the kind of partner that every man should have.  Your DH is a lucky man.  Like spacediver, I can identify with all the emotional turmoil that he been through.  Being circumcised as a helpless baby, with no pain relief, is probably the most traumatic event that any of us are likely to be subjected to.  Having this pain and shame ignored, minimised and discounted by the medical profession and society in general is an incredible insult.  Twenty years ago I read Jim Bigelow's book "The Joy of Uncircumcising".  It was a revelation.  Sadly my wife was totaly opposed to the idea of foreskin restoration, so to my intense regret I was never able to pursue it, but I still believe that it would have helped me heal and feel whole again.  Good luck, and I am very happy that things are turning around for your husband.

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#6 of 6 Old 11-10-2012, 06:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hakunangovi View Post

Kassandra, thank you for posting your story.  You are the kind of partner that every man should have.  Your DH is a lucky man.  Like spacediver, I can identify with all the emotional turmoil that he been through.  Being circumcised as a helpless baby, with no pain relief, is probably the most traumatic event that any of us are likely to be subjected to.  Having this pain and shame ignored, minimised and discounted by the medical profession and society in general is an incredible insult.  Twenty years ago I read Jim Bigelow's book "The Joy of Uncircumcising".  It was a revelation.  Sadly my wife was totaly opposed to the idea of foreskin restoration, so to my intense regret I was never able to pursue it, but I still believe that it would have helped me heal and feel whole again.  Good luck, and I am very happy that things are turning around for your husband.

Wow, it is absolutely stunning how sadistic some women can be, i feel sorry, you deserve much better than that. I am glad that i am single, because i would absolutelynot tolerate someone directing an attitude like that towards me.
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