Letter to a Regretful Mother -- - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 37 Old 06-16-2004, 03:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hiya, folks. After reading all the heartbreaking stories in the "If you regret circumsizing your son(s), please post here" thread, I thought I'd post something I wrote a while back.

Years ago, in another forum, a mother just like yourselves was putting herself through hell because of her guilt over this. Her feelings of regret and despair were starting to poison her relationship with her child, and she asked for assistance. I wrote the response below in the hopes that it would help her, and to our shared relief and happiness, it did.

Since then I've reposted it several times elsewhere, and it's always helped other mothers then as well.

I hope you find it helpful too, even if just a little bit.

Oh, and just for the record -- though I expect this might not mean much, because I'm not your sons, I think that you deserve to hear it anyways -- I FORGIVE YOU.




Letter To A Regretful Mother --

Please don't beat yourself up over this. . .there's a lot more that goes into making a child happy and successful than just this one decision. . . .

Am I angry that my foreskin was amputated in my infancy? You betcha! Do I blame my parents? No way! "Hate the sin, love the sinner."

I reserve my anger for the AAP, who misinform the public, and for those who are educated on the topic and still support and perform the unnecessary genital amputation of children.

I'm sure there are many, many wonderful things you've done for your son, too. . .always remember that you have to fill both sides of the balance with their appropriate measures before making your judgement. I wouldn't be caring for my father now if he hadn't done a good job raising me; I would NEVER trade his love and the good example he set for me in exchange for having my foreskin back.

Also remember that it's your son's body. . .so it's his right to decide how he feels about it. If you believe genital amputation violates that right, then isn't his opinion the expression of that right? If he says he's okay, it's okay.

You're not alone in regretting it. There are parents here who feel just like you do. . .and (correct me if I'm wrong, anybody) they say it doesn't overshadow everything else in their relationship with their children. Besides, if you didn't love him so much, would it upset you so much? I'd choose all that love along with a little speck of regret over less love and no regret at all any day. . .and in fact, I do so every day.

Love your son and be joyful about it!




Ack!
Non Illegitimi Carborundum, and KOT!
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#2 of 37 Old 07-04-2004, 08:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Bumping for the new folks. . .
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#3 of 37 Old 07-05-2004, 01:29 AM
 
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I liked that. My guilt is not to the point of hurting my relationship with my ds's, but coming here and reading still hurts alot knowing what I did to them. I love my babies more than life and hope they will forgive me. ANd I do plan on giving them info about circ along with info on restoration when they are old enough. I would like to give my dh info but I fear he will tak it the wrong way and ugliness in the house would ensue.
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#4 of 37 Old 07-05-2004, 03:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Acksiom
Bumping for the new folks. . .

Thanks, Ack! I needed that!


By the way, you are loved and wanted more than you know. I think you should put that in your sig....

Andrew ,caretaker to stroke victim DF 75, loved and wanted more than I know.

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#5 of 37 Old 07-05-2004, 07:51 AM
 
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Yeah Andrew, I wanted to ask you what that was about in your sig? I hope you don't really feel unloved and unwanted!
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#6 of 37 Old 07-05-2004, 09:50 AM
 
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Thank you for posting that. I do regret my uninformed decision. I will say this a million times over. I really wish they sold mothering at babies rus and gave it away instead of formula samples at the drs office. I was truly uneducated at the whole issue. It's just what people in my family did. It however is not something I think about everyday, or dwell on, what's done is done and I can't do anything about that!
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#7 of 37 Old 09-01-2004, 04:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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and -bump for the new posters in the "If you regret circumsizing your son(s), please post here" sticky.
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#8 of 37 Old 11-13-2004, 07:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And another and -bump for the new posters in the "If you regret circumsizing your son(s), please post here" sticky.
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#9 of 37 Old 11-13-2004, 10:58 AM
 
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The most important thing is to say "Son, I didn't know better then and now I wish I had." The bond between mother and son is strong and as long as the mother is candid and honest, that bond will be preserved. OTOH, if she denies him and his feelings and her motives, that bond can be irrepairably damaged.



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#10 of 37 Old 11-13-2004, 11:53 AM
 
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glad to see this.

Homeschool Planet http://planethomeschool.net
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#11 of 37 Old 11-13-2004, 12:42 PM
 
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Thanks for the post.

10 - boy
5.5 - girl
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#12 of 37 Old 12-28-2004, 09:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and -bump for michelemiller, and others. . . .
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#13 of 37 Old 01-15-2005, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And a and -bump for mobeans. . . .
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#14 of 37 Old 02-12-2005, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And a -bump for Itlbokay and foreverinbluejeans. . . .
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#15 of 37 Old 04-09-2005, 01:16 PM
 
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Bump
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#16 of 37 Old 04-12-2005, 01:33 PM
 
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to frankly speaking; i posted about my son's condition, his opening is a little above half way down his penis and his foreskin is not fully formed around, and slightly bent, he has an ultrasound and has no internal problems.
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#17 of 37 Old 04-12-2005, 03:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kailove
to frankly speaking; i posted about my son's condition, his opening is a little above half way down his penis and his foreskin is not fully formed around, and slightly bent, he has an ultrasound and has no internal problems.

Kailove: We started a thread especially for you. If you'll click on this link, it will take you straight to it:

http://69.20.14.30/discussions/showthread.php?t=271441



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#18 of 37 Old 04-19-2005, 05:36 AM
 
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bump
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#19 of 37 Old 07-16-2005, 12:28 AM
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bumping.......

and where is Acksiom these days?

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#20 of 37 Old 07-17-2005, 11:27 PM
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We should make this a sticky.
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#21 of 37 Old 07-18-2005, 12:05 AM
 
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Thank you so much for a beautiful letter, Andrew.
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#22 of 37 Old 07-19-2005, 06:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A
and where is Acksiom these days?
Pulling out of his annual post-birthday depression.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora114
We should make this a sticky.
Mehhhhh. . .there's six up there now, that's kind of a lot already.

And honestly, I'm not sure it even merits being stickied ITFP, especially compared to what's up there currently and in light of how much more mileage those seem to get.

But I appreciate the compliment .

Quote:
Originally Posted by bell bottom blues
Thank you so much for a beautiful letter, Andrew.
YW! Hope it helped.
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#23 of 37 Old 01-13-2006, 04:25 PM
 
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#24 of 37 Old 05-24-2007, 05:52 AM
 
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bumping for new moms
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#25 of 37 Old 05-24-2007, 08:32 AM
 
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~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#26 of 37 Old 05-24-2007, 08:15 PM
 
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Thank you. I think about how I will tell my son one day that I let them cut him, that I mutilated his penis, that I changed him forever without his permission...how I will explain to why why I chose, how I could have been so ignorant and foolish and...cruel...and why his brothers are intact (when he has them)... most importantly though...I want to make sure he knows it was wrong and encourage him not to repeat my mistake.

fambedsingle2.gif Heather, 25, single mom to Corbin, 5, and Orin, 3  uc.jpg  delayedvax.gif  nocirc.gif
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#27 of 37 Old 05-25-2007, 01:40 AM
 
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THANK YOU for this.
I printed it out for myself so I can read it whenever I start to go down the road of guilt again.
And it DOES help to see the words "I forgive you."

I do love my sons so much!
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#28 of 37 Old 05-25-2007, 04:48 PM
 
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Thanks for re-posting this! Makes me feel a tiny tiny tiny bit better knowing that even though we made the mistake of circ'ing DS, he'll still love us no matter what. And we're still good parents!

Me Hubby
Colin 1/13/04 Elena 1/18/07
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#29 of 37 Old 05-27-2007, 11:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfirefaery View Post
Thank you. I think about how I will tell my son one day that I let them cut him, that I mutilated his penis, that I changed him forever without his permission...how I will explain to why why I chose, how I could have been so ignorant and foolish and...cruel...and why his brothers are intact (when he has them)... most importantly though...I want to make sure he knows it was wrong and encourage him not to repeat my mistake.
Exactly.

And I thank you as well.
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#30 of 37 Old 05-27-2007, 11:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfirefaery View Post
Thank you. I think about how I will tell my son one day that I let them cut him, that I mutilated his penis, that I changed him forever without his permission...how I will explain to why why I chose, how I could have been so ignorant and foolish and...cruel...and why his brothers are intact (when he has them)... most importantly though...I want to make sure he knows it was wrong and encourage him not to repeat my mistake.

That is what I plan to do too. Though I had one old lady today tell me that she has a background in psychology and that I should never let my sons feel my pain and sorrow over this and that I should NOT tell them that I made a mistake. That was truly baffling. Of course I am going to admit my mistakes.
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