Prepping Family? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 19 Old 03-28-2005, 09:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
mightymoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Mass. Confusion
Posts: 10,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm due with our second child, first boy in May and we plan to leave him intact. Didn't take much discussion, DH is completely on board. We come from probably the typical American family (at least circ wise) - DH is circed, My brothers are circed, our nephew (4 yo) is circed, etc. We live across the country from family, but both my mom and my inlaws will be coming out to help us out after the birth.

Both sets of parents are pretty relaxed and don't try to tell us how to raise our children, but I'm wondering if I should try to prep them for this or not? It's not quite like breastfeeding or even cosleeping - both topics which came up before DD was born, so families were prepared that we were going to do things differently. Circ just doesn't come up - either because they don't consider it as even a choice or because its too embarrassing for them to ask.

I'm curious what others did - did you bring it up proactively or wait until they discovered it and left it to them to ask? How did it work out? I want to approach this well because my brothers are both younger, not married - eventually they might have sons and I'd like to be a good influence on them so that when it comes time to make that choice they don't dismiss the whole thing as another one of sis's crazy rantings, but at this point neither is in a place where they care about such things.

Mightymoo - Mom to DD (6) and DS (4)
mightymoo is offline  
#2 of 19 Old 03-28-2005, 09:53 PM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Leave it up to them to ask. This way they are not trying to convience you to cut the rest of your pregnancy.

I would wait to discuss it with your brother until their wives are pregnant unless the subject come up.
Marsupialmom is offline  
#3 of 19 Old 03-28-2005, 10:01 PM
Banned
 
Shaunam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Covington, TN
Posts: 1,315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would just talk about it when it came up. My little sister asked me if I was going to circ. When I told her no, she told all the rest of the family. One of my older sisters called me just to ask why not.

If it doesn't come up before your son's birth, then you need to make sure to tell anybody who will be helping out with the baby after he's born. Just make sure they know not to retract. And then you can go on an educating mission if they question your decision. :LOL
Shaunam is offline  
#4 of 19 Old 03-28-2005, 10:15 PM
 
Clarity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 4,450
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think there, is something to be said for saying nothing in advance. First of all, it does sort of see it as being perfectly normal and not a weird practice to be debated, discusses, warned, etc. ahead of time. Plus I have been surprised once or twice when someone who has never seen an intact penis doesn't really realize what he/she is looking at. Unless you have super super helpful relatives it may take a loooong time before they even see his penis. And, if they're really embarassed, they still might not say anything. Definitely, I do not advocate keeping it secret, just not making a big deal of it. (OK, I would be highly tempted to show off his cute perfect intact penis, and make a HUGE deal, but that's me....) Then, you can choose to bring it up when you want to afterwards, like when other members of the family are pregnant.
Clarity is offline  
#5 of 19 Old 03-28-2005, 10:42 PM
 
daekini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My Mom is a pretty intense lady, with strong opinions (oh but she's a great mom and I love her to pieces!) so I wanted to prep her, and dh's folks as well.

I just came right out and told them, and explained why (graphically). I was really shocked at the response - my Mom thought it was wonderful that we wouldn't be subjecting *her* grandchild to such a traumatic ordeal! She had no idea what circ was all about. Her brother & father were not circ'ed, so she actually asked her bro how he felt about it (he's in his 60's)! He had some great insight. Also, we discovered that dh's Dad isn't circ'ed, either! So the family is extremely supportive!

It sounds like, since you have an easygoin' family, you could choose to tell them if you felt like it, or just let it go. I definitely needed to prepare my Mom, but that turned out great and now I've got her support and admiration for making this decision - it's nice to have! And you might like to have that support, too.
daekini is offline  
#6 of 19 Old 03-28-2005, 11:19 PM
 
carrietorgc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Fairfax, VA
Posts: 2,430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
we just dealt with this - dh is intact so no worries from the in laws, but my mom cired my brothers and works for a ped. office.

I sent my mom the link from the dr sears sight on care of an intact penis - i knew the no circ site would annoy/offend her and wanted to be gentle but firm. and since she will be here helping after he is born, she needed to be told - no retraction!
carrietorgc is offline  
#7 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 12:42 AM
 
dynamohumm6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 2,930
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've wondered about this myself. I decided not to bring it up at all, unless
1) the person asks
2) the person will be caring for my son, in which case they will be told not to touch his foreskin

The way I see it, as someone else mentioned, I'm treating this as something normal, not something I'm doing "against the grain". As in, "why on earth would I do something like that?".

I've had the conversation with my sister, but then, we talk about everything, so she doesn't count
dynamohumm6 is offline  
#8 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 12:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
mightymoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Mass. Confusion
Posts: 10,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
They are easygoing, I guess what I'm most worried about is having them feel insulted or offended because they made the choice to circ (although I doubt they thought much of it at the time) and here I'm basically saying its cruel and unnecessary (even if I try to do it politely in not those quite words).

Seems like it makes sense to wait and let them bring it up, that way it doesn't seem as much of an attack on them.

Mightymoo - Mom to DD (6) and DS (4)
mightymoo is offline  
#9 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 01:00 AM
 
Frankly Speaking's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: North Atlanta
Posts: 5,162
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You could gently explain to them that in the last few years (I know, a stretch!) that the recommendations have changed and not only is circumcision not recommended any more but the medical professions actually discourage it. That's not a stretch but true. Every single one in the world. That way, you can validate the reasons why they did it and validate what you're doing as well. Nobody gets offended.



Frank
Frankly Speaking is offline  
#10 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 01:17 AM
 
feebeeglee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2,751
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd go with Frank - I've said that before to people. "Oh, they don't recommend it at all, anymore. All the studies show that it's much healthier just to leave it alone, isn't that great? I mean, who wants to do *that*? Ouch! Way less than half of boys are circumcised out here anymore {I see you are in the much-less-circumcising West} - the only people who still do it don't have up-to-date info. It's just recently that they changed the recommendations, they looked at years and years of data. I'm so glad, too!"

Mostly I get smiles and nods with that one, and sometimes a question or two on 'how to take care of it'.

I think it's not a bad idea to bring it up before the baby is born, in a "I'm so glad we aren't" way and it's also OK to wait till after they see his perfect little self
feebeeglee is offline  
#11 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 01:19 PM
 
acrathbun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 349
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
for my inlaws the best approach has been to not say anything during the pregnancy & just let them "figure it out" after the baby is born. We had one comment, once along the lines of "oh! you haven't circumcised him yet!" and my response was a quick "we will not be circumcising him". That's been all we've had to deal with.

My dh's parents are both highly intelligent, knowledgable people, and yet very, very opinionated & are pretty sure that no one else know's what they are talking about.... That was the most I wanted to "deal with" from them iykwim.

I should also add that they live 12+ hours away and do not care for our children on a regular basis & certainly not when they are in diapers.
acrathbun is offline  
#12 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 05:56 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,856
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
I think the word should be "advocacy" instead of "prepping." They don't need to get "PREPARED" for your son to be left intact--you're doing the absolute right thing.

But, especially for your younger siblings, your own son's birth would be a great way to educate them on the topic. I suggest advocacy clothing!

At www.granolathreads.com, I bought my son an outfit which reads, "Intact and Lovin' It!" Now whenever he wears it, I get to talk about intactness. He even wore it to the urologist's office when my dh went there.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#13 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 06:49 PM
 
Corvus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think the best approach is NO "preparation." By keeping your child intact, you are not doing anything "weird." IMO, it's those who circ that are doing something weird. :LOL

Of course, I don't generally talk about my childrens' genitals with ANYONE (maybe our doctor, if there is a problem, but there hasn't been). I also don't change diapers in front of other people; it just makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like I'm not respecting my child's privacy. I don't go to the bathroom, take a bath/shower, or otherwise get naked in front of extended family or friends, so I don't do any of those things to my child in front of extended family or friends. Maybe I have issues, but that's how I feel. :LOL

The only person who changes our children's diapers besides DH and me is MIL. She and FIL are the only ones who babysit, so he OCCASIONALLY changes diapers. But mainly it's just her who does it. Since I breastfeed exclusively, I don't leave my kids with them until at least a year old. So if I ever have a boy, I don't see the need to talk about the care of an intact penis until at least that point, as DH and I do all the diaper-changing.
Corvus is offline  
#14 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 07:07 PM
 
gottaknit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2,846
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We didn't mention it to anyone before the birth, except for my sister because she asked. She expressed the usual "locker room" concern, and I told her it's not an issue because the procedure is rare in our neck of the woods, anyway.

My mom and MIL are the type who like to hover around while I'm changing ds, so that's how they found out. They didn't say anything to me, but MIL asked DH is he wanted her to "get a Q-tip to clean it out" and he said No! and told her it doesn't need to be cleaned, leave it alone, etc.

We just act like it's all normal and good (which it is!), and if anyone asks why we didn't circ, we just give them a confused look and say, "We're not Jewish....?"
gottaknit is offline  
#15 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 08:01 PM
 
Karry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Arizona
Posts: 940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would just wait until someone asks. My MIL asked me about it when I was pg with my first ds. I told her no. Her only respomse was she had never seen a penis that wasn't circed. I told my mom that my MIL had the nerve to ask if I was having the baby circed. My mom didn't seem to have a problem with it, she is from Cuba and they do not circ there, though she and my dad did have my brother circed. My mom did wonder how my dad would take it, and I told her it was not his concern. I have not heard anything about it from my dad thankfully, and he can be very opinionated.

I also had a friend ask me if I was going to have ds1 circed, and when I told her no, she said something about it being the parents choice and something about it being cleaner to circ. : I tried to be nice since she was changing her newborns diaper right in front of me. I told her I had witnessed circs when I worked in the hospital, and I could not do that to my own child. She said her and her husband watched the circ of their baby and that all he had was a sugar paci as pain relief and that he didn't cry. I didn't know what to say to her, but just thinking of that poor baby makes me want to
Karry is offline  
#16 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 09:28 PM
 
Corvus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly, I wonder why anyone thinks that our sons' foreskin is their business?

It's sort of creepy, in a way.
Corvus is offline  
#17 of 19 Old 03-29-2005, 09:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
mightymoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Mass. Confusion
Posts: 10,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for the responses. I don't know why anyone would think it was their business, but I don't think its anyone's business whether I put my child to sleep in a crib or not and they seem to butt their noses into that all the time! I guess I'm so used to having to do the dance with family and friends with most of these decisions I am just bracing myself for another one.

I will probably do the wait and see and use the 'oh its not recommended' anymore approach. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before, but it just hadn't occurred to me to put it that way!

Mightymoo - Mom to DD (6) and DS (4)
mightymoo is offline  
#18 of 19 Old 03-31-2005, 11:12 AM
 
nonnymoose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,322
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The only person we really talked about it with was my mom. My SIL (who circed both her boys - I doubt my brother had much say ) found out after my son got his first shot. I was telling them how awful it was to let someone hurt my baby, even a little, and she piped up with, "Well, you let 'em circumcise him, didn't you?"

Um, NO.
nonnymoose is offline  
#19 of 19 Old 03-31-2005, 05:21 PM
 
Teresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 591
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You don't need to prep anyone for the discovery that your child is going to remain whole, intact and natural.

If anyone notices or comments respond appropriately.
If they are genuinely curious and interested, give them information.

If they are attempting to offend or criticise, respond with either a 'shocked and appalled': "No one does THAT anymore!" or with the previously suggested, 'Why would we want to do something like that?" spoken with a confused look.
(The latter leaves them the opportunity to share their misinformation with you and for you to correct their misinformation).
Teresa is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off