If a friend of your chooses to circ...do you stay friends with them? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a friend who left her ds #1 intact. I ran into her at the grocery store with her son who is now 3 weeks old. He was so fussy and wrapped in a big blanket. She says "ohhh poor guy, he is so grumpy, he got circ'd yesterday". I just shook my head and told her I had to continue shopping. I just can't even stand to look at her knowing what she did to her poor baby.
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#2 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:23 AM
 
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So, she left her first intact but not her second? :
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#3 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:43 AM
 
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I haven't been in that position yet, but I don't think I could stay friends.

-Angela
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#4 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 07:25 AM
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I don't. I slowly phase the person out.
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#5 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 08:57 AM
 
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well I have two friends that just circ'ed their baby boys. I am pretty sure one thinks she might have made a mistake, bc she has been to the drs a few times already with him bc his penis looked infected to her (and he is 8 days old). She is my really good friend and former college roommate, so I don't think I could just stop being friends with her bc of it. I am very disappointed in her, but I still hold hope that maybe she will be one of those stories where the rest of her children aren't circ'ed. I definately won't hide the facts about how happy I am that we kept Caden whole or about how Dh and I wholeheartedly disagree with circ. for any reason though.
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#6 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 09:04 AM
 
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It is such a difficult thing for some people to handle. How do you balance a decision that is offensive to your sensibilities and the history of friendship you have.

For me, I'd probably have to end a friendship with someone who, after being shown the information, still decided to circ. I have not been in that position but I am speculating that anyone who would do that already has some very different ideas that would interfere with a close friendship anyway.

I do have several mothers in my playgroup that have circ'd their child(ren) and I find that they are people who I have little in common with anyway, so are not people I desire to have any sort of close friendship with. We meet at the playground and our kids play and we talk about very general things - that's it and that is as far as I want to take it.

I feel bad for those of you who have dear long time friends who do this to their boys.

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#7 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 09:16 AM
 
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I would. You may not have changed their views about that, but there will be other times that you may be able to change their opinion about something.
I wouldnt stop being her friend, esp. if I didnt even try to talk to her about it first.
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#8 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 09:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Fi.
I don't. I slowly phase the person out.
I've done that. I lose all respect for a person who has all the information on why it's wrong and unnecessary and does it anyway.
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#9 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 09:55 AM
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I totally stopped talking to the woman who had her twins circd despite the information I gave her. My husband wont even invite them over for a BBQ, and always declines invites from them as well.

Screw them....
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#10 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 10:13 AM
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I lose all respect for a person who has all the information on why it's wrong and unnecessary and does it anyway.
Exactly. And I have no reason to be friends with someone I don't respect.
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#11 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, she left her first intact but not her second?
When her 1st son was born they were in Taiwan, so I assume RIC isn't common there.
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#12 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 11:21 AM
 
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Let's turn this other way round...if a friend of yours circumcised his/hers daughter, would you stay friends?

For me there is no question. I do not want to have friends who let their children's genitals to be chopped. Well, this isn't a big problem here in Scandinavia since circumcision is not practised. My American BIL let his sons to be circumcised(very typical...he did not even think about it, just signed the paperwork). . Since he is another side of the world I do not have to be friends with him. If and when the question ever rises - I will not hide my opinion. I'm sure he would not hide his opinion if we had circumcised our daughter - his niece.
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#13 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 11:26 AM
 
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For me it would depend on the friend.....I dont think I could have the same level of friendship no matter what since its such an important issue to me.I am sure other things would arise that we would disagree about-lifestyle issues I mean. Motherhood is such a life changing event things like this are bound to make you re-evaluate all things in life. In the end, I would probably "phase" the person out as well like another poster said. I am sure it would be hard to keep my mouth shut about it and how long would that last?
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#14 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 11:33 AM
 
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I could stay friends with them if we had a lot else in common. Friends are hard to come by and circumcising is a very popular mistake in this country, one that is usually made in a half-drugged and completely exhausted state, and one for which there is a lot of cultural pressure. I couldn't judge someone for believing a pro-circ doctor or clergyman instead of me.


The question I would be more likely to ask is: would they stay friends with me, after I interfered in their private business? There are some people that I gave info to, that went ahead and circ'ed, and now I get the feeling they're not comfortable around me anymore.

I have a friend who had her son circ'ed recently. I don't judge her because I know she had really low self-confidence in her parenting abilities, and her husband, who is a neonatologist, made the decision. Now, I'll make an effort never to have to be in in the same room with her husband again--it disgusts me that a person who knows how painful and unnecessary it is would do that to their child---but she is a sweet person and I like her a lot. I consider her a secondary victim.
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#15 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 11:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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one that is usually made in a half-drugged and completely exhausted state
Her ds got circ'd at 3 weeks old. At the hospital here they will NOT do if after the birth or even before you are discharged from the hospital. You need to wait at least 2 weeks until they will do it.

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I couldn't judge someone for believing a pro-circ doctor or clergyman instead of me.
No doctors are this hospital are pro-circ. They actually don't even call it circumcision anymore...it is called "genital mutilation procedure".

I just can't help but think about her 2 year old. If she IS pro-circ like she now claims to be but couldn't get him circ'd in taiwan...is this poor little guy going to go under the knife as well??
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#16 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 11:57 AM
 
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I met a woman that I later found out had circed her son..... The feelings welled up inside me (we live in Canada... it is known to be unnessisary here.... and you have to pay extra for it) . She said that she had read both sides and " didnt care either way"... so they did it?????!!!!!!!! I was so mad. She is now extremely uncomfortable with me.... and vise versa
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#17 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 12:35 PM
 
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Yep.

Mom to Dakota (6), Coy, (4), Max, (4), Lily (4), and Auri (June 19th 2010)!
Visit Lily's site at www.caringbridge.org/visit/lilymathis1
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#18 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 12:55 PM
 
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I could not be friends with anyone who abused there children.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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#19 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:08 PM
 
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That happened to me. I lost all respect in the instant I saw that she had done it after keeping him intact for over 2 wks.(DH was adament it would be done, and she didn't want it done at all.) It is DH's cousin. We had become good friends, but we only talk as needed at family functions now. It's hard for me to be friends w/ someone when I have no respect for them.

My bro(and SIL) and I have a very strained relationship b/c they refused to even try to BF, and then they went and circ'd their son(2nd child) on top of it. They had the info, so they knew they had a choice. I can't pretend it didn't happen and play all nicey-nice.
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#20 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Village, I am in BC as well.
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#21 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:35 PM
 
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I would. I have a friend with two circed sons, but she regrets it. All of my other friends with boys, have left them intact. I have more of a problem with CIO, not breastfeeding, spanking. I don't know why, I just do. Maybe because during my pregnancy, if we had a boy, we would have circed (we had a girl) but we were going to breastfeed, co-sleep and gd. Since then, I've done research (imagine that) and am convinced we will not circ a son (still working on dh.)

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#22 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 01:36 PM
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Speaking of the person I ceased to talk to due to her circ decision, I saw her, her DD and her twin boys at the park today. I waved, but that's about it. I looked at those two boys with tears in my eyes knowing what was done to them...

I cant talk to her...and be civil to her....I'd rip her freeking head off....
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#23 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:36 PM
 
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I lose a lot of respect for folks who know better and do it anyway. Typically in the name of "My sweet DH reaaaaally thinks it's important, and I don't want us to fight."

It's such a visceral reaction on my part, but honestly, I'd be equally disgusted if they had their daughters' labia amputated so she'd look "prettier."
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#24 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:38 PM
 
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I am surprised at how many of you would not be friends with someone who made a different personal decision than you.

My 3 boys are all intact, but I have several friends with circ'd boys. While I don't agree with circ it's not anything I'd ruin a friendship over. I also would never pierce a baby's ears, but I have friends that do.
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#25 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:39 PM
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be friends with someone who made a different personal decision than you.
I'll let some of the more tactful posters of the board handle this comment...

I'm in a very peevish mood right now and might say something that will tick alot of people off...
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#26 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by New Mexico Beach
I am surprised at how many of you would not be friends with someone who made a different personal decision than you.
That's just it; it's not a "personal decision" any more than FGM is. It's a violation of a kid's basic human rights, and someone who knows the facts and chooses to do it anyway has just demonstrated a major lack of character in my book.
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#27 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:51 PM
 
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To me it depends on the situation. I know someone who is going to do it if her child is a boy and has displayed an absolutely callous disregard about the whole thing. I guess it's not just that, she has a pretty disgusting attitude about a lot of things and that was just all I could take. She won't speak to me anymore anyway, but that's okay because I don't want anything to do with her.

But someone who's a victim of misinformation, nah. Obviously someone who outright regrets it, I would feel bad for and not hold it against them. But I can see how someone might be unable to process the fact that they made a mistake and be in denial about it. I guess I'd have to make a judgement call one situation at a time. I haven't been faced with anything like this, though.
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#28 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:52 PM
 
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I'm struggling with this right now, as a friend of ours had her baby circ'ed. So far I've put off going to see them because I'm disgusted that she & her husband have the information on why its unnecessary, etc. but did it anyway. I know I respect her opinions on parenting stuff a lot less now.

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#29 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by New Mexico Beach
I am surprised at how many of you would not be friends with someone who made a different personal decision than you.
Circumcision isn't a "personal decision" when the person the penis is permanently attached to and will one day be using it sexually has absolutely no say in the matter.

Literally carving your personal preferrences into the genital flesh of your child is---IMO---an abuse of parental power and a violation of the child's basic, human right to his whole body baring medical indications for amputative surgery.

Jen
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#30 of 300 Old 05-03-2006, 03:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by New Mexico Beach
I am surprised at how many of you would not be friends with someone who made a different personal decision than you.
As other posters have said, it's not a personal decision. I could remain friends (and do) with someone who circs for religious reasons. I don't understand it. I've tried to. I don't. I probably never will. But I don't honestly understand doing ANYTHING for religious reasons. But, if someone had the information (if they didn't and regretted the decision, I could remain friends) and STILL chose to do it for no reason or a misplaced medical reason or to look like daddy or to fit in or because they like it better? Nope. That would be the end of the friendship.

-Angela
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