Any couples not on the same page about circ./remaining intact - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-13-2006, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am currently 12 weeks PG with #2. When I was PG with #1 Circumcision was a huge debate in my household. I am adimitly against it. Dh on the other hand is not. The problem I have is he has no valid reason, it just is what it is, he is circ and thats it. I have started thinking about this quite a bit. This is the main reason we find out the gender because this is not a discussion I am having after I give birth. Last baby was a girl.

So for those of you that have a partner that was not on board with leaving a son intact what did you do? I will not circ if I have a son bottom line, DH is fully aware of this but I would like him to be on board with the decision.I hate to be the heavy and wish we were on the same page, we are with everything else about parenting but this! I feel like it will put strain our relationship, our discussions about it have been heated in the past. Of course I am not a man so I don't understand : . I have given him all of the information I can and nothing is working.

How do you work through this? Anyone BTDT?
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Old 05-13-2006, 11:55 AM
 
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I said it would not happen and I would divorce him first and he knew I was deadly serious and that made him pay attention to what I was saying.

DS1 2004 ~ DS2 2005 ~ DD1 2008 ~ DS3 2010 ~ DD2 born at 31 weeks Oct. 2014
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Old 05-13-2006, 11:59 AM
 
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Perhaps some testimony from intact guys (such as myself) or restored/neo-intact guys would help?

I am sure that you could get some accounts from both if you asked...
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Old 05-13-2006, 12:53 PM
 
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I've BDTT with my DH.

The Penn and Teller movie was a godsend, I'm sure someone on this board can tell you where it is available.

I tried to avoid anything really mean like calling circ mutilation even though it is my personal believe that circ is mutilation. I just talked through that circ is forever, if there are problems with the foreskin as he was just sure there were going to be, circ is always an option later but if you circ you can't undo that.

He got on board grudgingly at first but seeing the baby changed everything and he has said he's glad he decided circ was a bad idea, our son is perfect.
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Old 05-13-2006, 01:28 PM
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Something to keep in mind that I read here in a reply to one of my questions on how to deal with a recalcitrant DH, was to keep in mind that by saying circ is bad he may subconsciously think you are insulting his penus. Good luck!
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Old 05-13-2006, 02:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would love to know where to get the video you are talking about, I have never heard of it?

I don't refer to it as bad, I just tell him we have more information now than we did before and that even our ped says it's an unnecessary procedure. Dh's big thing is he feels normal and that there were no ill effects to him so he thinks it would be fine fo our son. I do plead that if they want to have it done later, so be it, their choice but I would like them to have that choice, it's not my decision to make.

He has said he would never do anything like that to our daughter but doesn't see it as the same thing when doing it to a boy : - I just can't seem to get his blinders off, KWIM.

Thank for the responses so far, would love to hear from others aswell!
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Old 05-13-2006, 02:12 PM
 
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I was in the same position as you, two years ago. The thing that finally got DH onboard with me was talking to our pediatrician and my OB. (I talked to them first to make sure they weren't going to push circ! That would totally defeat the purpose of having DH talk to them!) They both told him that there is no medical reason for it and that parents do it because they are doing what everyone else does because it's basically "the cool thing to do." DH is very much against doing anything just because "everyone else does it" and that was the end of it. Needless to say, DS is 19 months old and intact!
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Old 05-13-2006, 02:58 PM
 
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Doctors can definetely help!

I agree with not going down the circ-bad route, if you tried that since he has not experienced any problems then he might think that you had and that you are unsatisfied with him, never good!

Stick to the line you are on, maybe slip in some talk about possible complications and say something along the lines of "Just because nothing bad happened to you because of yours doesn't mean that nobody does". Emphasise the risks a little.
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Old 05-13-2006, 03:08 PM
 
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Circing and CIO is one thing that my husband KNOWS is a non-comprimising topic. Have not, would not and will not ever do either, and he knows that. If your adament against it, then stick to your guns. It's not being done, and thats final! Thankfully circing was never an issue for us since DH is against it anyways BUT he did watch a video and he was in tears, so I'd say get him a video and show it to him.
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Old 05-13-2006, 07:11 PM
 
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You can find the Penn & Teller episode on circumcision for sale on e-Bay. I'll pm you a link to it bc when I put the link it says a cuss word, and this will get edited.

~*Kristi*~
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Old 05-13-2006, 08:20 PM
 
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You can also find it on YouTube if you are really, really poor.
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Old 05-13-2006, 08:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revamp
Stick to the line you are on, maybe slip in some talk about possible complications and say something along the lines of "Just because nothing bad happened to you because of yours doesn't mean that nobody does". Emphasise the risks a little.
Good idea! I had a botched circ and re-circ....and it lasts for life. It may not be common, but it's far from rare. Circ purports to solve SO many "problems," yet often causes far worse ones. You might ask him how he would explain something like that to his son if it were to happen.

Good luck to you!
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Old 05-14-2006, 12:07 AM
 
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my dh was really for circ'ing our son, and he reluctanly let me have my way bc he couldn't come up with a reason as to why we should. Even up to his birth, he admitted a little part of him still wanted it done, even though he knew there was absolutely no reason for it at all. In the last 6 months, he has totally changed all his views about it though (and that Penn and Teller show was the end of any part of him that was left still wanting to circ.). He now sees that our son is perfect and he proudly defends our choice in keeping him intact. I am so proud of my husband...its been a long, hard year for him getting through it all (last year, this time was when the circ'ing talks started and WWIII broke out here!)!!!
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Old 05-14-2006, 12:37 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Bm31
Good idea! I had a botched circ and re-circ....and it lasts for life. It may not be common, but it's far from rare. Circ purports to solve SO many "problems," yet often causes far worse ones. You might ask him how he would explain something like that to his son if it were to happen.

Good luck to you!
Explanation to son is an excellent one!

Because when you think about it there is not much you could say: "Yeah...We thought it would make things easier for you and...But...Whoops..."
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Old 05-14-2006, 12:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by morgansmum
I would love to know where to get the video you are talking about, I have never heard of it?

I don't refer to it as bad, I just tell him we have more information now than we did before and that even our ped says it's an unnecessary procedure. Dh's big thing is he feels normal and that there were no ill effects to him so he thinks it would be fine fo our son. I do plead that if they want to have it done later, so be it, their choice but I would like them to have that choice, it's not my decision to make.

He has said he would never do anything like that to our daughter but doesn't see it as the same thing when doing it to a boy : - I just can't seem to get his blinders off, KWIM.

Thank for the responses so far, would love to hear from others aswell!
I have never heard of anyone getting the response they wanted from comparing circ to FGM. Most Americans are too horrified by FGM and too desensitized too circ to make the connection until theyve already realized the truth about circ.

I found my copy of Penn and Teller on Ebay by searcihng for Penn and Teller circumcision. You may have to search the body of the item listings not just the titles.

There may also be others here selling them.
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Old 05-14-2006, 09:39 PM
 
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Penn and Teller is online for free if you want to check it out first. It's in 5 parts. **be aware that this Showtime program contains profanity, and some nudity**

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsoqo1BLwCU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3Yx3t7XT0Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qvqgkcyzHI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtMM2UvHrYE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ5ryhcCfek
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Old 05-14-2006, 10:35 PM
 
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First time I've seen this. Good piece.
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Old 05-15-2006, 02:09 AM
 
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My DH would get DS circed today if I would let him. And yet, this man cried during our son's heel pricks (for his jaundice).

I told DH that I couldn't circ after learning about the procedure. I offered to show him all of my research but he wasn't interested.

My DH knew at the end of the day, if I didn't want it done, it wouldn't be done.

We just don't talk about it anymore.

If you don't want it done, then don't. Only the mom can sign the papers! Be your baby's advocate and protect him - even if it is from his own father!
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Old 05-15-2006, 09:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joandsarah77
Penn and Teller is online for free if you want to check it out first. It's in 5 parts. **be aware that this Showtime program contains profanity, and some nudity**
YES as much as I recommend this film you need to be careful not to show it to anyone easily offended by profanity or nudity.
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Old 05-15-2006, 12:15 PM
 
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YES as much as I recommend this film you need to be careful not to show it to anyone easily offended by profanity or nudity.
Or very large sex toys being waved around.

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Old 05-15-2006, 02:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Getz
Only the mom can sign the papers!
Is that so?

Well it is useful but... So much for gender equality.
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:18 PM
 
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I would not circ. It is really not discussed,but last time religion was mentioned I said," Well if God wants me to cut off half my sons penis he's going to have to come talk to me about it."

For medical(disease prevention) I say," I treat an illness IF it occurs.I would never consider cutting off a part to prevent disease.If that were the case you should have pulled all your teeth, so you could have avoided your current rotten teeth problem.And I could have cut off my breast so cancer (of that area atleast) would not been an issue."

For the social(I am and so is everyone else I know) I say," If you are happy missing parts of your penis then great(it is not like you have a choice about it anyway!),but it is not up to you or your family to decide what gets done with ds's genitals no more than it would be for me to change dd's genitals."
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:24 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that I feel divorce makes a child more vulnerable to circumcision. Don't know about the circ decline form(and only mothers being able to give permission) since we had homebirths.
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Old 05-15-2006, 05:51 PM
 
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Here's an actual video of a circumcision...
http://www.intact.ca/video.html
I could hardly bear to watch it myself, but will show it to anyone that is pro circ.
Also, many men in USA that were circ'd are now trying to make the procedure illegal, fyi.

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Old 05-15-2006, 06:27 PM
 
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I could not stand to watch any footage of those operations, I normally last just about to the part where they are tearing around and then just have to look away. I have a foreskin so I can relate very strongly to those screeches...
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Old 05-15-2006, 07:10 PM
 
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I've been posting on this board for several weeks now trying to gather information and data to present to my DH.

My DH and I are in complete disagreement about circing. We have had knock-down, drag-out fights which end in screaming and crying and one of us walking out. It's ugly.

He is so adamant about circing our son (if we do indeed have a boy); he truly believes we will harm and scar our son emotionally if we do not circ. His primary reasoning is not medical, but only emotional and psychological. He also thinks it's only something "alternative parents" do and that I'm taking this stance just to be different.

With all of that being said, DH has conceded for now. He thinks it is the wrong decision, feels our son will resent us for this and fully believes that he will come to us when he's 15 asking to be circ'd. But, he also admits that he doesn't want to "ruin" the experience of pregnancy with this issue looming over our heads. He also doesn't want to take away from the pure joy and happiness of the upcoming birth day. For those reasons, and those reasons alone, he has given in to me.

It's not the way I wanted to "win". I wanted him to understand and agree that circ-ing in unnecessary and cruel and be proud that we are leaving our son intact. But you know what? I'll take it anyway I can get it.

Good luck to you!
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Old 05-15-2006, 07:58 PM
 
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Glad to hear that you won out!

I found your experience very good to read, especially that last line. I am fairly sure your husband will turn around when he actually sees his son and works out it is no deformity but the intact state. Or at least I hope so.

But, like you said, even if he does not then your boy still keeps himself whole, which is great!
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Old 05-15-2006, 07:59 PM
 
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Dh and I are against each other on this issue. He's agreed and backed me up on everything except this. This is something that has caused HUGE arguements. In the end my son ended up be circ'd. And I feel HORRIBLE. I wish I would've stood my ground. This is just something for me to learn from. STAND FIRM! That's the best advice I can give. It's not fair that my son had to suffer and I hope it never happens again.

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Old 05-15-2006, 09:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing
I've been posting on this board for several weeks now trying to gather information and data to present to my DH.

My DH and I are in complete disagreement about circing. We have had knock-down, drag-out fights which end in screaming and crying and one of us walking out. It's ugly.

He is so adamant about circing our son (if we do indeed have a boy); he truly believes we will harm and scar our son emotionally if we do not circ. His primary reasoning is not medical, but only emotional and psychological. He also thinks it's only something "alternative parents" do and that I'm taking this stance just to be different.

With all of that being said, DH has conceded for now. He thinks it is the wrong decision, feels our son will resent us for this and fully believes that he will come to us when he's 15 asking to be circ'd. But, he also admits that he doesn't want to "ruin" the experience of pregnancy with this issue looming over our heads. He also doesn't want to take away from the pure joy and happiness of the upcoming birth day. For those reasons, and those reasons alone, he has given in to me.

It's not the way I wanted to "win". I wanted him to understand and agree that circ-ing in unnecessary and cruel and be proud that we are leaving our son intact. But you know what? I'll take it anyway I can get it.

Good luck to you!
Good for you, mama. I think sometimes we just have to settle for saving our babies, and give up the hope/dream of getting our dh's on board with us. DH was actually fine with leaving ds intact but no matter what I have shown him (the video, books, whatever) my dh still thinks it's OK to circ as long as the baby gets anesthesia. After many knock-down drag-out fights I just had to accept that my dh's denial about the harms of circ runs SO deep that it won't go away in this lifetime.

Although he did surprise me by advocating to keep our nephew (his brother's son) intact. We lost that battle but I was so encouraged that my dh even tried.

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Old 05-16-2006, 03:05 PM
 
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Hmm...What was his argument?

It is certainly encouraging that he could even conceive and then follow through standing anti...
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