Help me convince DH not to circ UPDATED - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 51 Old 08-26-2006, 07:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by InDaPhunk
Yes, I do....cut him off .
Hmmmm it has possibilities!!

wife to DH, Mama to DS "Bug" (09/07), and DD "Sprout" (01/11). 
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#32 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Last night I handed dh a beer and told him to go research while i fixed dinner. 10 minutes later he came back and said "What do you want me to say?" and I said "Well, what are your thoughts about circ?"

"we won't do it"
me- "okay, why?"
dh- "it's not medically necessary. But if when the kid is 14 is he can't retract then we'll need do it"

me- (knowing that is highly unlikely) "okay... are you okay?"
DH- "i don't want tot talk about it"

he told me he had gone to wedMD, he was pretty quiet most of he night. I'm guessing he's struggling with what he read/saw and how that applies to him. He'll talk more when he's ready.

At least we dealt with the elephant in the room!

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#33 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 12:54 PM
 
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I'm glad for you that your son will be protected but it's a sad thing when children don't learn til they become an father to be to learn what the 'real truth of what was taken away from them w/o their consent. I would be quite upset too.
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#34 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 01:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by QuestionGal
"If it was really so wrong why didn't medical establishment stop doing it years ago" "my parents circ'd me and I'm okay"
1. hello, cause then they cant CHARGE you for it

2. of course he's okay, but we want fantastic, yeah?

if he isnt dead set FOR it, then there's hope. as the other posters have said, print off key facts with resources and have him watch the circ vid.
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#35 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 01:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by QuestionGal
he told me he had gone to wedMD, he was pretty quiet most of he night. I'm guessing he's struggling with what he read/saw and how that applies to him. He'll talk more when he's ready.
While I'm glad that your dh came around, this makes me so sad...my dh got like this the more research I got him to do (though most of his open mindedness about learning about it came AFTER ds was born...he wasn't that hard to convince beforehand). It just sucks watching the realization about what really happened. I can't fathom how it must feel to be a man and be reading about all these things that were done to you and taken from you. It seriously makes me feel ill and so sad for him.
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#36 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 02:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by QuestionGal
Last night I handed dh a beer and told him to go research while i fixed dinner. 10 minutes later he came back and said "What do you want me to say?" and I said "Well, what are your thoughts about circ?"

"we won't do it"
me- "okay, why?"
dh- "it's not medically necessary. But if when the kid is 14 is he can't retract then we'll need do it"

me- (knowing that is highly unlikely) "okay... are you okay?"
DH- "i don't want tot talk about it"

he told me he had gone to wedMD, he was pretty quiet most of he night. I'm guessing he's struggling with what he read/saw and how that applies to him. He'll talk more when he's ready.

At least we dealt with the elephant in the room!

wow, good for you (and your dh for doing some reading)! My dh is a man who was circ'd as a preemie 32 years ago. When I was pg. with my youngest, we came to a black and white photo of a baby, mouth agape and obviously screaming, being circumcised. It was at that point that he said "NO WAY".

I would imagine that this information would come as a great surprise to those who have had no issues with their circumcisions and see nothing wrong with having their sons undergo the same surgery. No one wants to admit that something like that was done to them for no good reason and that will take some time to digest.

When my dh and I talk about this issue now, he says that he is secure enough in himself to realize that this is not about him, but our son, and our son's right to his body and our son's choice to alter it later, as an adult, if he so chooses.
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#37 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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awesome update question gal


let him mull it over. it may just pass in his mind or he may wanna dig deeper. Either way he has already accepted the truth, so I wouldn't push anymore. But let him know you are willing to do more research with/for him if he ever has more questions.


it's baby steps.


congratulations

Partner to :Jessica(??) papa to Jake(7) and : Kaiya (2)
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#38 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 02:23 PM
 
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No wonder he was quiet. I can't imagine if one day I woke up and realized that my body had be altered so dramatically. I'd have a lot of questions.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#39 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 02:27 PM
 
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Sadly my DH still isn't convinced that cir is wrong. When I was pregnant with DS#2 I told him if it was a boy, he would not be circ. You would have thought I had told him I was going to sew on a third leg. He flipped out. I tried to show him research I had done, but he said all you here were "crazy extremeists". He found 'research' that supported circ, and tried to use that. I finally just pulled the "He's my son and he's not getting circ" card because I was tired of getting in long drawn out fights that lead to other arguments, and him using comparisons that were compleltly insane.

Anyways, now that DS#2 is 8 months I am prepared to start talking about it again. I just sent him the article linked above, that is some great info! And I like that it's not biased. A lot of the articles that are anti-circ are so biased that I can see why someone who is pro-circ would dismiss them. That article is strick history and I think it's a great starting point.
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#40 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 04:43 PM
 
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Hey sis

glad to hear my sweet BIL is coming around, and I love seeing how proactive you are for your yet-to-be-conceived baby.

so when is that happening, btw? :

also-with three cousins all under the age of 2 that are uncirc'd, there shouldn't be a huge "but he'll be different than everyone else" arguement, kwim?

we'll let Ben run around naked (not like we can stop him these days) at our next visit and he can see just how cute an uncirc'd penis can be!
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#41 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Sis... thanks for posting...
As for the magic "timeframe" for TTC, we aren't there yet. But rest assured You'll be one of the first to know when we're actually PG...

I asked him the other day if he'd ever seen an un-circed penis (Jacob isn't circ'd either) and he said he had and that he didn't think it was strange or weird.... but you know DH, he's just as stubborn as me!!

I don't mind if Sam or Benny run naked through the house, so long as they don't use my potted plants as a potty!!! I still love Sam's comment about "I have to go pee, and the yard is a very good place to do that!" right before stripping down and squatting.

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#42 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 06:02 PM
 
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yeah, that's my girl

but back on topic-has he seen the circ video?
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#43 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 06:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by QuestionGal
Thank you for the posters who got this thread back on topic.
My game plan is to help DH reach the conclusion that we are not going to circ any son we have. But he'll need to reach that conclusion "on his own" I know how he works and if I don't let him discover the truth for himself it won't work. I know that if I draw a hard line I'll alienate DH and I'm not ready to do that yet.
So my plan is to:
1) have him conduct his own research on the internet and if he still wants to do it then...
2) have a heart to heart about why I don't think it's right then....
3) Have him watch a video with the understanding that IF after watching the video he STILL wants to circ then he'll be the one "holding baby's hand"
4) We're not going to have a hospital birth so circing won't be an option until MUCH later (all the hoops to get an appt w/ a urologist will mean they'll have to use anesthesia and hopefully enough time will pass that he'll see foreskin as "normal")
5) play the mom card and just flat refuse (my absolute last ditch effort)

DH is generally open-minded and he's open to the idea of not circing. He just feels that "how can it be THAT bad if it's been done for 60 years..." "If it was really so wrong why didn't medical establishment stop doing it years ago" "my parents circ'd me and I'm okay" So he's asking questions and requesting facts to work through it all. He wants to make sure that we make the RIGHT decision, he's just not sure what that is yet.

If I get witty or snarky or whatever you call it, it'll jut shut down the dialog we have and that won't do anyone any good.... remember, I'm not willing to TTC until we get this worked out. Any ideas on how to get him to actually sit down and do research??? I can repeat information all day long but it's not as impactful as if he read/discovered it on his own.

I did however share with him some of the info I got off Yoshua's recommended sites last night... he just got really quiet and then we went to bed. I'm assuming he was thinking. :
We watched a few circ. videos and that's all it took! LOL!! I think they have some on www.nocirc.com or you can google.
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#44 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 06:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by majick1
We watched a few circ. videos and that's all it took! LOL!! I think they have some on www.nocirc.com or you can google.
There are lots of videos at http://www.circumcisionquotes.com/video.html

Any video that I know of that's online of a circumcision is there or linked to there.
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#45 of 51 Old 08-27-2006, 07:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SammyJr
Boys are born with the foreskin. That's the default. He ought to be convincing you why it needs to be cut off, not the other way around. He needs to explain why your boy needs immediate surgery.
That's so true. If proof is needed it's incumbent on the circumciser to provide it.

Christopher

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You know you gonna be remembered for the things you say and do."

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#46 of 51 Old 08-28-2006, 01:16 AM
 
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YAY I'm so glad that you guys are on the same page.

It's good that you can still "get some", that you didn't have ummmm block him to get him to see reason. If you had to not give him any....well, that would be bad for you, too, talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face !

Your baby will thank you for it one day- Good luck TTC (and have fun!).
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#47 of 51 Old 08-28-2006, 02:19 AM
 
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The only thing is we both know that he's not going to convince me and i don't want not circing our son to be a point of contention. I don't want it to be "well, DH couldn't convince me to do it, so we didn't" that puts all the "power" in my hands when I feel it should be a joint decision.
I think that rather than "Well, DH couldn't convince me to do it, so we didn't," something like "Well, DH couldn't convince our newborn son to do it (since after all he was too young to give informed consent), so we didn't" would be more accurate. Meaning, it really shouldn't be a joint decision. It should be the child's decision. I think that more than putting the power in your hands, you're putting in in your son's hands.
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#48 of 51 Old 08-28-2006, 07:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by *Milk-Fairy*

but back on topic-has he seen the circ video?
No, he didn't make it that far. If it becomes an issue again then I'll pull out that card and make him watch one online (or borrow yours!) with the volume turned all the way up! You know how squemish he gets about those things.

Quote:
I think that rather than "Well, DH couldn't convince me to do it, so we didn't," something like "Well, DH couldn't convince our newborn son to do it (since after all he was too young to give informed consent), so we didn't" would be more accurate. Meaning, it really shouldn't be a joint decision. It should be the child's decision. I think that more than putting the power in your hands, you're putting in in your son's hands.
I can see your point... however regardless of the outcome it's still a decision that parents initially make (child can decide to have himself circ'd as an adult)... personally I feel that "Well, DH couldn't convince our newborn son to do it" would come across as flippant. I would never want to come across to DH or anyone else as being flippant in regards to something as important and unchangeable as removing someone's foreskin.
Knowing my DH it would come back to bite me in the a$$ if I pulled the whole "why don't YOU try to convince ME" it doesn't resolve anything and results in ending any meaningful dialog.

The other part is that DH and I need to be of one mind on this, it's important. His side of the family (and parts of mine) will be very shocked/opinonated in our not circing a son. He needs to have his own reasons for not wanting to do it so he can defend it when the time comes. Saying something like "DW didn't want to, or DS didn't want to" just won't work. But saying "We/ I didn't feel it was medically necessary" will suffice. Sucks that you have to justify good parenting decisions but it's reality so might as well deal with it and be ready. :

Anyways... most of this is a moot point for us now since DH decided he DOESN'T want to circ!!

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#49 of 51 Old 08-28-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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Anyways... most of this is a moot point for us now since DH decided he DOESN'T want to circ!!

Way to go mama! That is good news!
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#50 of 51 Old 08-31-2006, 12:26 PM
 
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I can see your point... however regardless of the outcome it's still a decision that parents initially make (child can decide to have himself circ'd as an adult)... personally I feel that "Well, DH couldn't convince our newborn son to do it" would come across as flippant.
I'm glad your dh decided against circumcision. However, just to clarify, I didn't mean that you should literally say that. I was offering what I felt was a more accurate way to reframe the situation in response to this:

Quote:
The only thing is we both know that he's not going to convince me and i don't want not circing our son to be a point of contention. I don't want it to be "well, DH couldn't convince me to do it, so we didn't" that puts all the "power" in my hands when I feel it should be a joint decision.
Mostly, I just didn't think that choosing not to circ would be a way of concentrating power in your hands but would simply be keeping bodily autonomy where it belonged - in the hands of the owner of the penis. In other words, if my husband wanted to do anything to our child that I considered a basic human rights violation, and I prevented it, it wouldn't be a way of me monopolizing power, it would just be a way of preventing someone from wrongfully usurping the power of an innocent and defenseless person. Just as I wouldn't see a woman preventing her husband from circumcising a daughter as a power play, I wouldn't see a woman preventing male circ as a power play.

I know it's a moot point, now - just didn't want to come across the wrong way!
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#51 of 51 Old 08-31-2006, 04:05 PM
 
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I totally missed this thread when it first was posted, but congratulations!!! You have a very lucky son

love and peace.

mama to two girls and due in November!
: Circumcision can never be undone :
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