Parents who have both intact and circ'd ds - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 08-29-2006, 10:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was wondering what you say to your intact ds about him being different, if he has an older brother and father who are both cut? And how much of an issue is it for the intact son?
I ask because we; regretably had our 1st son circumcised, and are planning to have another soon...

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#2 of 21 Old 08-29-2006, 11:06 PM
 
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I only have one son and he is intact.
But, I would just tell them that when he was born you did not know the facts, and when his brother was born you did.
I dont think it would be really an issue, maybe brought up once and thats it. But, I dont know for sure. For some reason it seems like people think that this is such a big issue, like the "locker room" I asked my hubby and he said he never looked at others privates. So???:

Good on ya for informing yourself now!
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#3 of 21 Old 08-29-2006, 11:48 PM
 
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I do not think it would necessarily be harder on the intact child to realise he is different than for the cut ones to realise they are different. One is missing something, and the other is not. I think it is possible that the one that is cut may have a difficult time with the realisation that something happened to him. The intact one has reason to be thankful for having a whole body. I think it is generally accepted that having a whole, complete body is more desirable than one having a part missing.

I am glad to hear you will leave the newest one intact. He will be very grateful of your decision and will have much to be thankful for.

I would be sensitive to all of their emotions and provide support, and show kindness to them all.
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#4 of 21 Old 08-29-2006, 11:57 PM
 
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As I have said before, my dh is cut and his younger brothers are not. As a child, it was never an issue. Dh did ask, his mom told him the truth, end of story. He said that it never really bothered him until he was an adult. The ONLY reason why it bothers him now is that he did a lot more research and found out that his sexual problems are probably due to the circ (of course, there is no way to be completely sure, but it fits-he has virtually no sensitivity down there). I also know that my neighbors had one boy who was cut and one who wasnt. Again, they didnt seem to care, but they were also quite young (10 and 5, I believe). I think no matter what, it is better to leave any future boys intact and explain it to both of them when they are old enough or if they ask. Then, when your circ'd boy gets older, tell him about foreskin restoration. I would even offer to buy the stuff he needed for it, you know? He may be perfectly happy with his penis as is, but you never know. Plus, having an intact brother will probably make it less likely that he will circ any sons he has

Cari-mama to Eriq, Lile, Paikea, Kaidyn, and Mieke is here!! 2/9/10
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#5 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 12:02 AM
 
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My 6 yo commented recently on how his younger brothers are different. I have talked to oldest DS about it and appologized. I have 2 cut, 2 intact. I really prefer the intact look. Really prefer it. I didn't know that what I didn't like about DH was the cut. I figured the reason I like my brother's (I changed so many diapers!) was the color!
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#6 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 12:25 AM
 
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Have you read some of the posts under the "if you regret circumcising your son" thread? It is the sticky at the top of the page. Perhaps you can PM some of the moms in that thread for specific advice.

Although I am not in your situation, I first wanted to applaude you for making the decision to leave your next son intact. I have heard that it is sometimes more difficult to make the decision to leave a boy intact once all the males in the family have been cut. To do so, takes an amazing ability to be able to go beyond conformity for conformity's sake. Good for you!

I have often thought about what I might say to my children, if I were in this situation. I guess I would have to be honest but gentle, if I were ever asked about the differences. Honesty is always a good policy, I am told.

I think that it would be a good idea for you to join this group. They might be able to offer you the support that you are seeking:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/regretfulmoms/

Many good wishes to you and your family.
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#7 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 12:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for the loving and helpful posts. My dh and i feel tremendous guilt about the circumcision of our son, in the hospital i ignored my gut instinct while signing the consent forms. Wish i knew then what i know now...
Wish i had listened to my intuition.

Christy wash.gif Mom to DS 4/21/04 reading.gif DD 9/20/09  dust.gif DD 7/2/11jog.gif

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#8 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 12:21 PM
 
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My first was cut after hypospadias surgery, and my second is intact. We haven't discussed the differences yet, but my plan is to be honest about why they are different, then talk about how differences are good things.
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#9 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 02:22 PM
 
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Another thing you can do is go through the back pages of this forum and look for threads with titles similar to yours. You will find lots of good advice in these older threads.
Good for you for leaving your new baby intact!
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#10 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enstar780
I do not think it would necessarily be harder on the intact child to realise he is different than for the cut ones to realise they are different. One is missing something, and the other is not. I think it is possible that the one that is cut may have a difficult time with the realisation that something happened to him. The intact one has reason to be thankful for having a whole body. I think it is generally accepted that having a whole, complete body is more desirable than one having a part missing.
Yes. More than likely, the one missing his foreskin will realize that he is incomplete and might feel left out. The intact child probably won't feel like the odd one.

When your older son ages, you can talk to him about restoring.
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#11 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 03:50 PM
 
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I only have one son, but I would like to know what people say as well, being that my hubby is cut and our son is not. I am sure it will come up at some point in the shower or a restroom, and I would love to know how for him to respond, or me, if the question falls that way.
I'll have to take some of your advice and look at some other threads. But again, I look forward to replies here as well. TY!
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#12 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 04:19 PM
 
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My husband looks VERY different from my 4yo. Both are cut. They also look very different from my 16MO who is intact. They look different, just like all women look different. I will glaldy explain that we decided to cut my 4yo but decided later that it was a bad idea. That's the truth. We have anothe little boy joining us this fall and he will be left intact as well.
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#13 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 08:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherries10700
I only have one son, but I would like to know what people say as well, being that my hubby is cut and our son is not. I am sure it will come up at some point in the shower or a restroom, and I would love to know how for him to respond, or me, if the question falls that way.
I'll have to take some of your advice and look at some other threads. But again, I look forward to replies here as well. TY!
What your ds is more likely to notice is the size and hairiness, not the circ, at least at first. When he gets older, you can explain to him about circumcision.
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#14 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 08:16 PM
 
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"When you were born, your mom thought it was necessary because she had a friend who was circed for medical reasons as an adult. (It turns out that pseudo-medical reason was phimosis, so it was probably unnecessary, but I digress...) [Anyway,] When your little brother was born we'd learned more about it and the medical organizations don't recommend it, so we didn't put him through it unnecessarily."

In our case, we've also talked about my dss's meatal stenosis, and how it was actually *caused by* his circumcision. He may not remember his newborn circ, but he DOES remember the later surgery and how much it burned to pee afterwards. Of course, he wouldn't want his little brother to go through that ordeal!

Jen
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#15 of 21 Old 08-30-2006, 09:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enstar780
I do not think it would necessarily be harder on the intact child to realise he is different than for the cut ones to realise they are different. One is missing something, and the other is not. I think it is possible that the one that is cut may have a difficult time with the realisation that something happened to him. The intact one has reason to be thankful for having a whole body. I think it is generally accepted that having a whole, complete body is more desirable than one having a part missing.

I am glad to hear you will leave the newest one intact. He will be very grateful of your decision and will have much to be thankful for.

I would be sensitive to all of their emotions and provide support, and show kindness to them all.
:
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#16 of 21 Old 08-31-2006, 12:33 AM
 
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I hope my friend doesn't mind me mentioning this, but her two oldest are boys. The firstborn is cut, the second intact. The boys noticed the difference in the shower one day and one commented that DS#1 had an 'outie' (like his bellybutton) and DS#2 had an 'innie' (like his bellybutton).

They noticed the difference, but it wasn't a big deal, just like other parts of their bodies.

It depends a lot on how you handle it (truthfully, hopefully) and how comfortable you have made them feel about their bodies up to that point.

--Carol
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#17 of 21 Old 09-04-2006, 08:29 AM
 
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My first was born by cesarean. I had no fight left in me to argue the circumcision. My dh took him down (while I was still unable to get out of bed) and actually watched this procedure. He had no problem with it. He reasoned that since he was circ'd, our son should be, and he didn't want confusion/discussion about why the father was circ'd and the son was not.

Scroll ahead 7 years to our second son... I realized in that time that our 1st son had NEVER seen his father without clothing, and I'd had an incredibly empowering homebirth. Circ didn't happen, and tough luck!

Now, go ahead 2 years... The second son is running around the house, naked as always, with a clothes pin attached to his foreskin.... and the first son asked me, "Why can he do that, and if I did, it would really hurt?" I told him exactly what pdx.mothernurture said, and the discussion never came up again.

My boys are now 18 and 11, and it doesn't make any difference. They are both private, nobody sees their privates, and it just doesn't matter.

The only one who cares is me. When I see my younger child, I think how nice he looks. When I see my husband and older child, I think, "They look so naked, so exposed!" My, how the world changes!

Good luck with your decision. Each one of us is an individual, and what is right for one may not be right for the other. And, you cannot fix the past, so give yourself credit for doing the best with what information/strength/abilities you had at the time.

Best wishes!!
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#18 of 21 Old 09-04-2006, 09:56 AM
 
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My circd DS is 7, and he is my little mini-intactivist. We have had very open and candid discussions about why I failed to protect him from harm. We have had many, many tears shed between us over it but we have come to terms with it, and now he is fighting the fight with me, bringing up circ to pregnant women he sees and such. He is much less intimidating than I am, and he has a tendency to open doors to conversation I would not have been able to do myself. I am very proud of him.
He knows he is forever different from his intact younger brothers and I have apologized to him so many times over it. I only hope he can forgive me when he is older.
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#19 of 21 Old 09-04-2006, 11:39 AM
 
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I'm not at all concerned about telling Jeff why he's intact, I'm more concerned with explaining to Ben why I allowed him to be circed (against my better judgement). Ben nearly bled to death the night after he was circed because an artery was not properly clamped. When my boys are older, I will tell them the story, and I'm sure Derek will talk to them too about why he wanted them circed. I know that Ben has overheard me talking to other moms about it (as has Jeff) though both boys are too young yet to understand.
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#20 of 21 Old 09-04-2006, 12:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherries10700
I only have one son, but I would like to know what people say as well, being that my hubby is cut and our son is not. I am sure it will come up at some point in the shower or a restroom, and I would love to know how for him to respond, or me, if the question falls that way.
I'll have to take some of your advice and look at some other threads. But again, I look forward to replies here as well. TY!
Dh is intact and his father is not. Dh says it has never been an issue. Beyond both being able to pee standing up, there was no comparison of similarities & differences. Dh is very happy to be intact and would never want his son to be cut.

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#21 of 21 Old 09-04-2006, 11:45 PM
 
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I have two boys. The first is cut (4 yo) and the second is intact(18mo). If I had it to do over (has as been said ad nausem), I would leave ds1 intact but. . . I learned and so ds2 is intact and any other boys we have will be intact. Ds1 has commented about ds2 having a different penis (we bath them together). So I told him that we didn't know better when he was born but that we learned in time to keep his brother whole, that his dad and I are constantly learning how to be better parents, but that means we make mistakes sometimes as we're learning. Also, DH's circ is different from ds1's so that has also been a teaching point. Ds1 has actually said to my parents and some of his friends (much to the mortification of my DH!) "Daddy has no foreskin, and I only have a little bit, but Ian has all of his foreskin!" Don't ya just love what kids choose to repeat?

Marjorie
wife to my best friend, Stephen, mother to Alec 5/02, Ian 2/05 and Kathryn 9/09
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