having issues with DH being circ'd - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 173 Old 10-04-2006, 10:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i have pretty much always been anti circ, but everyone i have ever been with (and there have been more than a few) has been circ'd. im totally commited to my DH but im having a hard time accepting the fact that i will never experience sex with an intact man. im not going to run out and hunt down an intact man and have an affair or anything like that, but i have been lamenting this issue for a while now and i just can't seem to totally get over the... dissapointment, for lack of a better word. i have mentioned to DH how im curious about what it would be like and how much i would love for him to consider foreskin restoration, but he refuses to consider it, which doesn't surprise me at all- if it was up to him DS would be circ'd! in my mind i just KNOW it would be SO WONDERFUL. don't get me wrong, i have always enjoyed sex with DH, i just somehow know it would be even better if he was intact. sigh. anyone have any suggestions how i can just forget about it?
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#2 of 173 Old 10-04-2006, 11:19 PM
 
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I feel that way a lot.
But then I have to remember that I married the MAN, not the penis.
My DH wishes he wasn't cut, but we both know that he didn't get a choice so no use wishing about it now. He is open to restoration but we haven't really started on it yet.
I think of how I would feel if I did get to meet someone who was uncirc'd and what if it really was all that much better? I would always think of that when I was with DH and that would kill our relationship. DH is the best I've had and I'm going to be happy with what I've got.
After I made that decision the "what ifs" fade away into the background. They're still around but not so prominent. I guess it's like a lot of things that you wrestle with for a while but eventually they fade in time.
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#3 of 173 Old 10-04-2006, 11:33 PM
 
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I'm so sorry - I don't have any any advice - but I just wanted to give you a






Do you have a copy of the book "The Joy of Uncircumcising"? Might be worthwhile to get and leave in the bathroom....



- Kira


PS. Don't know how into toys you are, but I did find a rather impressive *a-hem* intact "man-replacement" Interested parties may PM me for the link
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#4 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 12:59 AM
 
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ugh, i feel exactly the same way as you jeannie! knowing what i know now, its hard to even look at it without seeing that awful circ scar. i know its not all about the sex. yeah, we hear that intact sex is way better and who doesn't want to improve their sex life, but more importantly, its depressing because he's not a whole, natural man, as he was intended to be, kwim? something important was taken from him in the most traumatic way possible and that is sooooo sad. i'm glad i found out the truth about circing before i had a son, but at the same time, i'm upset over learning about the damage that was done to my dp. we've both agreed that if/when we have a son he would remain intact, and i've told him all about this issue. but he still doesn't think anything is wrong with his penis, he doesn't feel like he's missing anything, because its all he knows, i guess. you can't talk him into restoring without bruising his ego, either. i wish there was an easier way and i wish i had advice for you, but i had to let you know you're defiantely not alone in feeling that way.
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#5 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:10 AM
 
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I feel the EXACT same way.

I have been thinking about it so much, that I actually had a dream the other night that I had sex with an intact penis and had my very first orgasm during intercourse....and it was wonderful. I told my DH the next day and he asked if it was him and to be honest, I have no idea! LOL
All I saw was the penis, no face. Hehehe.

When I brought up restoration, DH was totally open and has actually just started the process in the last few days. I hope all of the work it's going to take is going to be worth it.

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#6 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:32 AM
 
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its depressing because he's not a whole, natural man, as he was intended to be, kwim?

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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#7 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:43 AM
 
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#8 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:43 AM
 
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Sucks doesn't it? I used to feel pretty cheated that DH had his penis mutilated, and I've always been honest about it. It wasn't that our sex life wasn't good (on the contrary, sex has always been great), it was that something was not as it should be (for both of us).Now that DH is restoring I'm feeling less and less cheated, but even when he has fully restored I will continue to mourn what was done to him (RIC).
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#9 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:57 AM
 
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I feel the same way. DH was pro-circ when DS2 was born. Now, over the course of the year-and-a-half I have known the truth about/been opposed to circ, I have swayed him and DS1, (whom I, unfortunately, circ'd before 'getting it'), to the anti-circ camp!

After reading an article about the Joy of Uncircumcizing, DH finally started restoring several months ago, but still gets ambivalent and stops for a while, (even though he gained a whole inch of penis!) I just try to get my selfish curiosity about sex with an intact man out of the way, so that I don't push him. It's hard at times, though, not to give in to temptation and say, "oh, come on, ppplllleeeeeaaaasssssee" . Our biggest struggle with it is that he takes it that I am not happy with him or something. I tell him repeatedly it is more about how exciting I find it that being intact allows him much more pleasure, (which is the truth). I have to reassure him of that often, but he does get it most of the time and is now back on with restoring.

I don't know if it's true, but I do have a friend who has been with both and said it wasn't too much of a difference. Just my thoughts. Hope this helps.
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#10 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 08:26 AM
 
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I used to have this feeling but I got over it and it passed. For me it was a sign that I was spending too much time thinking on circumcision and visiting this board. The serenity prayer works. Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Life is never fair, but you can change some things. Use that anger to change circumcision of new babies.

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#11 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 11:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mika85 View Post
its depressing because he's not a whole, natural man, as he was intended to be, kwim?
mika, i know EXACTLY what you mean.
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#12 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 11:58 AM
 
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I feel the same way. All I can see is that angry red scar line. And I still don't know what to do with it manually. It's like the skin is stuck and there's nothing to do with it. Sex can be rather painful too because of the way he has to do it in order to climax. I sound like I am complaining. I love my dh, but it's unfair to him and to me too that his penis was mutilated at birth. He won't consider restoring so my chances of experiencing natural sex is pretty much out the window. That makes me sad and frustrated and angry.

I am mostly angry with his mother. She wouldn't do a bris because "it's barbaric", but it's not barbaric to have it done in the hospital with no anesthesia? What kind of warped logic is that???
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#13 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 12:46 PM
 
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It is really difficult to see it IRL and know what is missing. That is difficult for me now, and I try not to look at it when it's flaccid at all.

I am with one of the previous posters, I have my dreams of only men who are intact...generally foreigners (my self conscious is more assured about their status). Can't help it, that is probably the one thing I would actually want if I could choose. I am not a materialistic or shallow person at all...but I mourn the loss. You would think that his right to full genital function would have been protected, but our country let us down .

DH tells me all the time he wish that his mother had been like me. Sigh, not for the genital issue only...but I really love the kids and do everything I can to protect and nurture them (seriously lacking in his family).

Perpetually breastfeeding or pregnant ENFP mom to a lot of kids...wife to a midwestern nice guy...living in tropical paradise...pink cats and homebirths rock!

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#14 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:14 PM
 
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Kimkabob5, I could almost exactly write your post.

I've started threads like this before. For me it's very difficult because I can't say that the sex is great - so it isn't easy to forget why. The older I get the more it hurts and now I just don't even want it. I used to be very into sex.

It's really painful because I love DH like nothing else in the world, and I grieve for him more than myself. He really has no idea what sex is supposed to be like. And he feels guilty (and I assume inadequate) because it hurts me.

I do agree completely that we have to use our pain to work to stop the butchery. It's the only way to make it mean something.
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#15 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:46 PM
 
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I thought about posting this same thing a few weeks ago. My DS is circed (my DH won that battle), but now that DH sees that it's slightly done wrong, he's suddenly anti-circ but just for his own future boys. But now, all I can see is his scar. I just can't even look "down there" right now.

DH is still generally pro-circ though because his dad is majorly pro-circ (to the point that when he was 12 he circed himself).

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#16 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 01:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kannon99 View Post
(to the point that when he was 12 he circed himself).
Do you mean that quite literally? Or that he got circumcised?

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#17 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 02:05 PM
 
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FIL circed himself. He was 12 and was the only one not circed in his orphanage and was teased horribly. (this was in the 1930s)

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#18 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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FIL circed himself. He was 12 and was the only one not circed in his orphanage and was teased horribly. (this was in the 1930s)
OMG sounds like some serious sexual abuse.
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#19 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 02:33 PM
 
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I feel the same way. Our sex life SUCKS too, which doesnt help. I mean, we maybe have sex once a month, the last couple of months we havent had sex at all. Dh has almost no sensitivity so I dont think he enjoys it a lot. I dont enjoy it a lot cause it hurts and I cant have an O with him. It just sucks. Dh also was restoring-for like 3 weeks-and then gave up, well over a year ago. He even had progress! It totally bums me out.
Does this mean I would leave him or something? No, not for that, never. I totally wish he was intact BUT I think it might be a good thing I havent ever slept with an intact man, otherwise I might be even more bumbed. I dont know exactly what I am missing out on, so I think it makes it easier. However, the fact that he isnt restoring anymore, purely because he is lazy (he has said it himself, this is the only reason he isnt working on it-he really has no emotional issues, his two bros are intact, so this wasnt some new idea to him that circing was wrongk, he just thinks its too much work) does pi$$ me off to some extent. We have other issues too, so I am not saying we wouldnt ever break up-we have been close before. But I wouldnt leave him over his penis status.

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#20 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 03:47 PM
 
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This is the kind of thread all those "he'll never get oral sex" and "what if his partner wants him circumcised?" people need to read. Gobs of women wishing their husbands hadn't been circumcised.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Galatea View Post
I used to have this feeling but I got over it and it passed. For me it was a sign that I was spending too much time thinking on circumcision and visiting this board.
:
Count me in, not because sex is awful, it's not, it's actually pretty good, but because I get feel so sorry that it happened to little Baby Dh, and that neither of us will ever know what could have been. I'm not going to run out and find an intact man to sleep with, but I wish dh would consider restoring sooner rather than later (he's made a few comments about it being one of his midlife crisis things, ya know, buy a fancy car, restore his foreskin).

R~mama to 3

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#21 of 173 Old 10-05-2006, 05:11 PM
 
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Sign me up! I cried about it last night
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#22 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 12:27 AM
 
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Thank you Galatea for posting! I saw your siggy links when I first joined, lost the links when my computer crashed, couldn't remember the member and have been trying to find that signature again!
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#23 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 10:55 AM
 
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I have to admit that after having browsed this thread last night before bed, I had a dream that I was in a subway full of tall, handsome British men !
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#24 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 11:20 AM
 
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Thank you Galatea for posting! I saw your siggy links when I first joined, lost the links when my computer crashed, couldn't remember the member and have been trying to find that signature again!
Why, thank you.

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#25 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 11:27 AM
 
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#26 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 11:31 AM
 
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Italians.

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#27 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 11:35 AM
 
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i may get slammed here (for why i dont know yet) but i have been with both an intact man and a circ. man and *I* honestly did not feel it contributed greatly to my sexual pleasure.

**** please read: I am ANTI-CIRC****. all the way. i see no reason for it.

However, I don't think you gals shoudl be sad over something that your dh's don't have, esp. if your sexual relations are good. I believe it has more to do with the man than the condition of his penis.

I admit to not reading alot about the advantages TO WOMEN of men not being circ'd. I read more about the advantages TO MEN.

and im not posting this to be contrary in any way. Im simply posting my experiences...it has never mattered in the past whether a man was circ'd or not. Other factors have played greater roles in my sexual satisfaction.

having said this, I wish my first 2 sons were not circ'd and will talk about foreskin restoration with them. not so much for their wives' benefit, but for their own.

of course, i am always willing to learn if there is something else i shoudl be telling them. im just saying that i never found that to be the case.
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#28 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 11:55 AM
 
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#29 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 12:20 PM
 
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I guess some women are more resilient to the jackhammering and hard chafing edges. Some of the women here do have ok sex...but some of us never get any pleasure due to chafing and fierce pounding. If you cannot have halfway pleasurable sex in a marriage...the marriage WILL suffer even if everything else is good.
i totally agree. i simply posted b/c it seems that some posters do have good sex lives and i wanted to offer the perspective that it may not be better with an intact man, if he is deficient in other manners relevant (if ykwim).
i feel badly for any woman who experiences what you describe but i just never have.
i just didnt want some women thinking that the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. as a friend of mine has said, that grass also needs mowing! lol!
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#30 of 173 Old 10-06-2006, 12:33 PM
 
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I have had a few thoughs along those lines, but I wonder how I would feel if I had to have...say...a mastectomy and DH thought all the time about how he would like to be with a woman with 2 breasts. KWIM?
I'm VERY happy with DH, and have had to resolve that I will deal with the occasional discomfort because the positive about our bedroom life is much better than the negative is bad (does that make sense?)

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