Husband wont budge on Circumcision - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-18-2006, 08:23 PM
 
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He does not have the right to do this without you (though he may employ trickery to get it done). The thing about the brick wall is that it is immobile.

I will pray for you to have strength (and that he has a paradigm shift so you can concentrate on growing your baby, not fighting for his right not to be mutilated. )

Dave2GA. PM him, please.
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Old 10-18-2006, 10:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Getting such a large response has been helpful. I appreciate everyones thoughts and ideas. I have been doing more research on the web, but i will tell you it is hard to sort thru fact vs opinion. There is SO much on the web it can be overwelming. I have to admit even the intensity of some of the responses here have been intimidating. But I have found the PBS program that was mentioned here, "Whose body, Whose rights?" Both he and I love PBS stuff so this would be a good one to get.
Listening to responses does give me a sense of my weakness towards this topic b/w me and my husband. Recognizing that he is acting as a brickwall and then refusing to run into his wall, instead become my own wall makes a lot of sense and is a good analogy for me. This combined with gentle talks, time, and perseverance I hope will see us thru to an intact baby boy. If not then I will need to consider more drastic measures, such as refusing to sign the papers. Again I do thank everyone who has taken time to write their ideas. If feels good to know for the next 17 weeks or so my baby is safe, healthy, and intact inside my belly No pressure, time is my greatest ally in talking him thru this.
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Old 10-19-2006, 12:09 AM
 
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Originally Posted by squintycat View Post
No pressure, time is my greatest ally in talking him thru this.
When I first got pregnant, my dh and I were arguing something fierce about circumcision. I'd give him facts, he'd get mad. When we found out our child was a girl - the discussion dropped. When I got pg the second time, I brought up the subject with him. His response: "Yea, I thought about it. There's really no reason to do it." I was all prepared for an argument, too! LOL. Anyway, my point is that sometimes guys (and I suppose ladies, too) have to mull things over. Good luck.
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Old 10-19-2006, 12:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by dynamohumm6 View Post
Yep. If my dh even *threatened* to do something like that, that would pretty much be the end of our marriage, because if I can't trust him to not hurt his own child the second my back is turned, I wouldn't be able to trust him with anything, and that's a dealbreaker. That would be the end of that. :
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~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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Old 10-19-2006, 01:14 AM
 
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...This combined with gentle talks, time, and perseverance I hope will see us thru to an intact baby boy. If not then I will need to consider more drastic measures, such as refusing to sign the papers. Again I do thank everyone who has taken time to write their ideas. If feels good to know for the next 17 weeks or so my baby is safe, healthy, and intact inside my belly No pressure, time is my greatest ally in talking him thru this.
You can do it! You have plenty of time. Stick with your mama bear instincts.
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Old 10-19-2006, 01:36 AM
 
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Good for you for asking these questions and thinking about this. I know you've already responded, but I hope you come back to read again.

The only thing I can say is, pull rank and absolutely refuse to let the procedure happen. It's tough and it's hard to be put into such a situation when you're in this state (pregnant and then immediately postpartum). I would also make sure that all the mw's and dr's knew that my son was NOT going to circ'd and anyone who did it, would be facing trouble from me. Is it harsh, yes? Do they care more about a lawsuit or an angry dad b/c they didn't do a procedure?

You'll find this out for sure later, but you are the ultimate protection that baby has; it's a big responsibility, but you can make such a difference for the good if you use it right.

Good luck and congratulations on the baby!

*~* A * Mama to C and A * *~* I blog - PM me for the URL
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Old 10-19-2006, 03:05 AM
 
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we just found out our babe was a boy yesterday and the arguing is already started. i too was someone who had ds1 circ'd and regret it terribly. dh thinks that only us "weird natural living people" don't circ their kids and won't read anything by someone who could be associated with "people like us". anyone know where i can find advice by good mainstream doctors?:
There was an article in Men's Health magazine a while back, would that be mainstream enough? I'll look for it and come back when I find it.

R~mama to 3

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Old 10-19-2006, 03:55 AM
 
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Well I wouldn't advocate leaving a partner over circing, because frankly I wouldn't trust them to not get it done behind your back when they have visitation or something, or they are taking the kids to the drs. You have less control over your child once you are divorced and courts aren't very likely to side with intactness and I wouldn't want my childs intactness to be dependant on the court system if it came down to that.

I think your dh is working from a place of fear. He wants your ds circed because it validates his own circed status. Now, you can't tell him that. It will just make him defensive based on what you have posted so far. We can all post here what we would do or what we think you should do, but the fact is that you are the only one that really knows your husband here. You need to find the method that will work for him. For some men telling them no way and being a brick wall yourself will work, for others it's a challenge that they will fight even more.

I doubt the real reason is that he wants the kid to look like him. You need to figure out what the real issue is. Is it that he is personally threatened by intactness and feels it means he is less than and that is something he can't face? Is there some real medical misinformation that is clouding his judgement? Is it that he doesn't have the guts to face family ( his parents? others?) that are pro intact? Is there some cultural/religious (even if he isn't practicing) reason?



You can just say no, and at the same time try and figure out what the real issue is and address it so that this doesn't become a disagreement that effects your relationship long term.
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Old 10-19-2006, 03:58 AM
 
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If he is a lawyer, then let him sue you for his paternity rights. If he won't agree to let you protect your son, just tell him that you will not put his name on the paternity papers. Let him confirm it with the hospital -- the mama gets to decide who the daddy is in most hospitals.

Why do they torture pregnant women? Not to disparage your husband, but he did have one marriage not work, for whatever reason. Perhaps his stubborness needs changing?
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Old 10-19-2006, 09:55 AM
 
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As far as reputable sources, you will find everything you need at www.cirp.org -- it has the most extensive collection of peer-reviewed papers on circ, all from medical journals.

Also, you don't even have to go to the medical journals. Just look at all the statements from medical organizations such as the AAP, which have reviewed literally hundreds of studies, and still found no reason to circ.

But here's a thought -- your husband is essentially the plaintiff or prosecutor, wanting to change the status quo (which is an intact baby who keeps all the parts he was born with). He is advocating for surgery, and as the plaintiff, he should bear the burden of proof that the surgery is necessary. You need to make HIM do the research and prove to YOU that the surgery is necessary -- and only medical reasons will cut it, because cosmetic surgery on a baby is simply not worth the real and known risks (bleeding, infection, penile amputation, meatal stenosis, all the way up to death).

Tell him that if this surgery is so important to him, he needs to research it and then carry his burden of proof to demonstrate -- beyond a reasonable doubt, to borrow a standard from the criminal side. Hearsay testimony (i.e., "my cousin's uncle's mailman HAD to have a circ, or was teased) carries very little weight -- he has to do the medical research to prove his case, that circumcision is in his son's best medical interests.

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Old 10-19-2006, 10:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sheacoby View Post
Since you can't agree on circ then the default should be to leave your son how he is born, intact.
I really like this approach. You can provide him with tons of research but in the end, if you still can't agree. You can argue that the best thing might be to leave the decision up to your son. Until he can decide for himself he would stay intact.


good luck!
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Old 10-19-2006, 10:49 AM
 
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This "Doctor's Opposing Circumcision" video is great. It was developed by doctors to educated other doctors about the prepuce, or foreskin. It tells you why the foreskin is important without sounding "crazy," "hippie," or whatever else (not that there's anything wrong with those things ) It's not the most flashy, but it's not too dry, either.

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...o/prepuce.html
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