Spinoff: Would you distance yourself from (or disown) your child for circumcising? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 01:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ilovemy2ds View Post
I was thinking a lot about this thread last night and it disturbs me. I find it horrible that anyone would even think about disowning their children.
Disowning for circ'ing or disowning for any reason?

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#92 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 02:01 PM
 
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Disowning for circ'ing or disowning for any reason?
Disowning for any reason
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#93 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 02:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by TigerTail View Post
See? I knew you were joking . (If you knew how many times we have to correct it for reals... well, we always have to wonder.)
Ok, just making sure! LOL I hate people who can't spell (typos don't count). Well, hate is a strong word. I just don't like reading their posts. :
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#94 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 05:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by trmpetplaya View Post
I will always love my children no matter what they do, but I would not mince words one bit if they chose to mutilate their child - male or female. They would know that I consider that act (keeping in mind that they will have all the facts well beforehand) to be nothing less than knowingly sexually assaulting a child. They will know what I think of it well before any babies are born and I don't expect to have much trouble... any girl marrying a son of mine will have to be at least tolerant of an intact penis and my daughters will be taught to have that mama-bear instinct and protect their children from harm.

But if they did... they would certainly get a ginormous piece of my mind... not a pleasant piece either. I couldn't give them a piece of my mind very effectively if I distanced myself from them...

ETA - I'd probably be so upset that my children may choose to distance themselves from me till I cooled off though... it takes a lot to make me mad, but once you do, you better look out!

love and peace.

Pretty much ditto this.

I will always, always LOVE my children, no matter what. That doesn't that they won't ever do something that will cause me to not like them very much.

If my son grows up and starts beating his wife, I will still love him, and I will try to help him change. Same goes for circ, and a host of other things that "could" happen.
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#95 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 08:16 PM
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Then perhaps we can all talk about how disturbing YOUR line is.

This is really patronizing.

As TigerTail said, god forbid my kid were on death row, I'd be there, visiting. There is no "distancing" of children I grew in my womb. (or if I had adopted them, for that matter...same thing.)

Now with rape, stealing, etc. that you mentioned...........if my kid actually did it, I'd be the first to turn them in (vs. them being falsely accused.) But I'd still hold their hand through the trial, if they'd let me!

Problem with circ is, I can't turn them into the "proper authorities" because the "proper authorities" don't give a rat's behind.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#96 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by trmpetplaya View Post

But if they did... they would certainly get a ginormous piece of my mind... not a pleasant piece either. I couldn't give them a piece of my mind very effectively if I distanced myself from them...

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#97 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 09:11 PM
 
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No I wouldn't...

I also would not support the decision though...

I am raising three intactivist's though...I cannot see them ever considering it...

~Charlene~
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#98 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 09:28 PM
 
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I have just skimmed the other responses...

I will be preaching to my kids (a son and I am expecting a daughter) that circumcision is child abuse their wholes lives so I would be extremely disappointed should they choose to circ their own children. My guess is our relationship may become strained because I am sure I would be seen by their pro-circ spouse as the crazy, evil MIL.

I would still want to be a part of my grandchild's life though I doubt I would ever change a diaper.

I hope I never have to worry about it.
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#99 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 09:30 PM
 
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I cannot imagine disowning him... but I would be very very very shocked.

He is an intact male who will grow up knowing that intact is normal and natural the way males should be.

I just pray I never have to deal with this, that any future grandbabies of mine will be intact as nature intended. I do not think my child would be being a good parent otherwise.

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Mama to Toad (08/06), Frog (01/09)... and new baby Newt born on his due date, Sep. 8, 2010
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#100 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 10:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A View Post
There is no "distancing" of children I grew in my womb. (or if I had adopted them, for that matter...same thing.)
What if they were physically abusive towards you? There is a situation in my extended family that involves an adult male physically and verbally abusing his mother as well as stealing from her. She is a wonderful woman who has done everything she can for him. Would she be wrong if she distanced herself from him in order to protect herself? I know this off topic from the OP, but I have seen quite a few post stating it is never ever ok to distance yourself from your child for any reason, even murder or rape, but I just wondered if anyone had considered physical abuse of the parent.

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#101 of 106 Old 01-17-2007, 11:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
What if they were physically abusive towards you? There is a situation in my extended family that involves an adult male physically and verbally abusing his mother as well as stealing from her. She is a wonderful woman who has done everything she can for him. Would she be wrong if she distanced herself from him in order to protect herself? I know this off topic from the OP, but I have seen quite a few post stating it is never ever ok to distance yourself from your child for any reason, even murder or rape, but I just wondered if anyone had considered physical abuse of the parent.
nak - what i was trying to get at before is it is different if a child is directly hurting you, vs. disapproving of their decisions. the first is about self protection, and you gotta do what you gotta do, IMO.
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#102 of 106 Old 01-18-2007, 12:09 AM
 
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nak - what i was trying to get at before is it is different if a child is directly hurting you, vs. disapproving of their decisions. the first is about self protection, and you gotta do what you gotta do, IMO.
It's funny that you responded to my question. I didn't get that you were saying this in your earlier posts at all. You seemed to be clarifying the difference between a child hurting you or just making you feel hurt, but I never got the impression that for you either was an acceptable reason to distance yourself from your child. It seemed to me you were very emphatic that if a child sensed that you would ever do so for any reason, it would scar the child's soul. I guess I misunderstood.

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#103 of 106 Old 01-18-2007, 12:45 PM
 
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I was thinking more about this whole concept of distance, and I guess like just about everything else, I think one's opinion about it is strongly shaped by one's life experience. Obviously if you felt your parents distanced themselves in a punitive way from you for what you feel is some frivilous reason or a particular lifestyle choice you made, well then I can see why you would have extemely negative feelings about distancing yourself from your child. Of course, I am sure one could feel negatively about distance even without that life experience. However, I think distance can be a positive thing sometimes for everyone involved. I have relationships in my family where I think a little distance has actually made for a more peaceful and healthy relationship by reducing conflict.

As as far OPs question of whether I would distance myself from my child if they circ'ed their son, I can see where it may possibly be a good thing for everyone if I did so. I'm not sayng I necessarily would feel the need to do it, and I certainly wouldn't do it to punish them. However, if I was so upset about it that I would feel the need to give them a piece of my mind all the time, like some PPs have mentioned, especially everytime anything related to the subject came up, like a diaper change as a PP mentioned, then I think putting some distance between myself and the situation (and my child by default) would be better for everyone. Once the deed was done, me voicing my disapproval or frustration to my child would serve no purpose other than to allow me to vent my feelings and to upset my child about something they could not change. I sure as heck wouldn't want my mom here if she disapproved of some way I was choosing to raise my child and she couldn't keep it to herself AND get over it in her own mind. I would definitely rather her keep her distance.

I think it was on this thread that someone mentioned that they couldn't turn their love on and off. I agree, but I also feel one can't turn frustration and disappointment on and off like a faucet either. If that frustration and disappointment would lead to an unhealthy or tumultuous relationship, then distance may be necessary IMHO. I actually see it as a form of respect and love, not a withdrawl of love. I know everyone here is entitled to their own opinion and I am not trying to change anyone's mind. I'm just writing this to clarify things in my own mind really. Thanks if you read this rediculously long post in it's entirety.

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#104 of 106 Old 01-18-2007, 01:14 PM
 
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Once the deed was done, me voicing my disapproval or frustration to my child would serve no purpose other than to allow me to vent my feelings and to upset my child about something they could not change.
I agree with most of your post, & to be sure, there is a fine line between educating & being a nudge, but I DO see a reason to not give up beyond venting- there may be other children, there may be grandchildren, friends to convince, etc.

Some of the most wonderfully effective intactivists are the regretful parents.

The only bad analogy I can come up with right now... Let's see. My dd is visiting, with her cats. I told her it would be a bad idea to let them outside in a strange place.

"OH mom." 20 yr olds always know better, yes? So she let a cat out, & it disappeared for a week, & she was devastated.

I had to tread that fine line- not in her face with a bunch of snide 'I TOLD you so's, but supportive of her grief & worry, while being close enough to her that she didn't have to hear it from me. She knew. People make mistakes, terrible mistakes sometimes, when they are figuring out the world.

She could tell me herself how she regretted not listening to me & that if she ever got her back, it wouldn't happen again. (btw, kitty came back collarless & starving last night. Yay! She has new tags in case she escapes, but is now an INDOOR cat.)

Being an attached parent doesn't stop when they give up the tit.

If she ever chose to do something stupid like circ a child, I think she is informed & bright enough to not think it is 'ok' afterwards, & I want to be the one she knows she can come to & grieve over her bad decision with. There are future children in the world to think of (& an old friend of hers just had a little boy, & I pray GOD my own dd's teenage intactivism sunk in with her).
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#105 of 106 Old 01-18-2007, 02:54 PM
 
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I agree with most of your post, & to be sure, there is a fine line between educating & being a nudge, but I DO see a reason to not give up beyond venting- there may be other children, there may be grandchildren, friends to convince, etc.

Some of the most wonderfully effective intactivists are the regretful parents.
ITA. I would definitely not give up. However, I would try and bite my tounge until I felt I could be a calm voice of reason.

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Being an attached parent doesn't stop when they give up the tit.
I love it. I never thought of it that way, but those are definitely words to live by.

BTW I'm glad to hear kitty is ok.

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#106 of 106 Old 01-20-2007, 02:12 AM
 
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Well, this better never come up because I plan to raise them better than that, BUT if it did, I would let them know how horrible it was and exactly how we felt about it. I would have several good long talks about it with them. If they still did it, I would be livid. They would be physically and sexually abusing my grandchild. That's not ok. I wouldn't disown them or give them less money or anything like that, but they would for sure know that I did not approve and that I was extremely disappointed in them.

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