How do I approach my friend - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 15 Old 06-03-2003, 07:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My best friend is coming to stay the weekend. She is 25 weeks pregnant with a Boy. This is her first, her husbands 2nd child. She plans on breastfeeding, seems very committed even though she will be working full time. She has even talked about cloth diapering which shocks the you know what out of me. Anyway, I know she hasnt given any thought to circumcision. I think she just plans on doing it because, hey, every guy she knows is circ. and so is her DH. I dont think she knows any of the reasons why you shouldnt. She knows my boys are not circumcised. I am pretty sure over the weekend it will come up. I just have that "gut" feeling. I am pretty passionate about the subject. I dont want to turn her off and start off "with all the horrors" of it or get her defensive at all. So ladies, I need some tips!!!

O, and I have been friends with her since we were 11 and we are both 29, so we have had some "hot" moments, I just dont want this one to be one of them!
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#2 of 15 Old 06-03-2003, 08:29 PM
 
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My son is a year old, and I was sort of in the position of your friend before he was born. I had two friends who had decided not to circ their boys if they ever have boys. The mentioned their opinions and even briefly explained why, without going into detail. Their opinion on it prompted me to look into the matter a little, but I was pretty decided that it "wasn't a big deal." (to circ, that is) Here, a year later, I am wishing they had been just a *little* more pushy. Of course at the time, if they had pushed too much I would have been very turned off and offended. But I think either of them could have offered some reading material (like Mothering's "The Case Against Circumcision") and I probably would have read it. I wanted to come to the decision on my own, not just decide against circing because that's what they did. So having my own materials to read and study would have helped a lot. As it happens, I found Mothering and the circumcision article about 5 months or so after ds was born, and the combination of watching his circumcision and seeing in person how horrible it is, plus reading that article fully convinced me to never do that to a child again. At the very least, I would suggest that (if she is adamant on having it done) she should be there when it happens. I felt strongly at the time we had our son's done that it was somewhat of a "necessary evil" and the least I could do is be there to comfort him as much as possible. HTH!
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#3 of 15 Old 06-03-2003, 10:29 PM
 
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I had a nice answer and ds so kindly turned off the @#%$%@ computer, so I'll try again.

I'd tell her how it's not necessary, it's painful, it's an open wound for however many weeks it takes to heal, that it can cause problems that will cause future surgerys to correct.

If she's on the fence at all- have her watch a circ video- you can find them online. That's what pushed me over the edge and made me decide that no matter what DH said (he was originally for circ b/c everyone we know is) we would not have it done.

Good luck.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#4 of 15 Old 06-03-2003, 10:49 PM
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I agree with giving her some reading material. Perhaps hand her the book What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Circumcision , and say, "This book has a lot of good information about an issue which I care deeply. I'd love to discuss it with you once you finish reading it."
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#5 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 12:26 AM
 
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Some circumcision rates may help her decide her position:

Canada - about 17%

Australia - less than 10%

England - around 1%

New Zealand - near 1%

These percentages are about 5 years old and may have changed since then to a lower percentage.

Of the world's population only 10 to 15 percent of men are circumcised. The vast majority of whom are Muslim.

The US is the only nation that still circumcises the majority of it's men.

At one time, the US, Canada, Australia, England and New Zealand all circumcised the majority.

All of the rest have pretty much abandoned the practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also I Totally Recommend the following articles and hoping one of which may be of use to you:

http://mothering.com/10-0-0/html/10...ircson103.shtml

http://mothering.com/10-0-0/html/10...mcision85.shtml
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#6 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 12:42 AM
 
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*Knowing me* I'd prolly pass her an article as I retired to bed (or left her presence for a short period of time) to allow her some privacy to peruse some information on her own and give her a li'l time to begin digesting the content. Circumcision can be quite shocking especially upon realizing what exactly it entails.

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#7 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 04:22 AM
 
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How old are your boys? I'd let them run around butt naked so that she could SEE for herself that a foreskin is not the "horror" : that so many people seem to think it is. Any chance of her changing a diaper or helping with bathtime?

...along with all the other great ideas...

Cindy

Lindsey (96/02/26)
Jason (00/06/08)
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#8 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 09:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by shelbean91
I had a nice answer and ds so kindly turned off the @#%$%@ computer, so I'll try again.

I'd tell her how it's not necessary, it's painful, it's an open wound for however many weeks it takes to heal, that it can cause problems that will cause future surgerys to correct.

If she's on the fence at all- have her watch a circ video- you can find them online. That's what pushed me over the edge and made me decide that no matter what DH said (he was originally for circ b/c everyone we know is) we would not have it done.

Good luck.
The video is actually what convinced my DH. Now he is so against circumcision and gets really defensive if people question our decision.
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#9 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 09:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by laidbackmomto2
How old are your boys? I'd let them run around butt naked so that she could SEE for herself that a foreskin is not the "horror" : that so many people seem to think it is. Any chance of her changing a diaper or helping with bathtime?

...along with all the other great ideas...

Cindy

Lindsey (96/02/26)
Jason (00/06/08)
O I am sure she will see them nudeying around!!! I have the article from Mothering and I may just give that to her and ask her to at least give it some thought. I know that I gave it to a neighbor and her husband read it and was like holy cow! They are having a girl but even after reading the article *he* was still undecided.

Kim
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#10 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 10:46 AM
 
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Maybe you could explain how important this became to you once you became informed yourself.

You could tell her how you value your friendship and care for her family.....that you want her to have the best information out there....and that you don't really know how to approach her so you came here to ask other mothers.....and maybe print out your orig post and the responses. I really think the post from Nemmer is pretty amazing. It shows the fact that a little more information would have changed the situation and that now it is irreversable.

Good luck. At least she's not 38 weeks! You have time to let this info sink in and she has time to mull it over.

And for what it is worth....my sexual experience with an intact man was incredibly different than a circ'd man and was definately more pleasurable!!!

One reason I give for not circing is that God/Nature would not desgin a species with a flaw in the reproductive system - we'd be extinct if we couldn't reproduce!! Only logical to me.

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#11 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by PuppyFluffer

And for what it is worth....my sexual experience with an intact man was incredibly different than a circ'd man and was definately more pleasurable!!!

Thanks for rubbing this in, PuppyFluffer!! GRRRR! WHY couldn't my MIL have left my dh intact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#12 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 07:49 PM
 
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Wow MamaJulie! I certainly didn't mean to rub it in and hope you didn't take it as personally aggravating!! Sorry to have brought it up but I did it for the sake of educating someone who may have never had that angle brought out to them. With the circ rate so high in the US 20 years ago.....or longer......alot of our partners are circ'd and alot of women may have not have had the experience of knowing an intact man. Sorry this is a hard thing for you.

My dh certainly wishes his mother had known better and he is considering restoration!

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#13 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 08:28 PM
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PuppyFluffer, I was just kidding. Sort of!!

I never knew what dh was missing until I started educating myself about circ. Dh isn't interested in restoration, though. I would just like to solve the, uh, lubrication problem!!

P.S. Sorry, OnTheFence, to go off your original topic!!
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#14 of 15 Old 06-04-2003, 10:31 PM
 
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PuppyFluffer, I was just kidding. Sort of!!
Thanks for the clarification. That blue growling guy looks pretty upset!

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#15 of 15 Old 06-05-2003, 04:01 AM
 
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Of course you know her better than anyone else and will prolly find the way that suits her best (paraphrasing Devrock - not that long ago). Be it a book, article, personal opinion, whatever. Here's to you gauging which approach to take and the common sense to know when to change your angle.

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