Circing SIL is pregnant again.... - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-03-2003, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband's stepsister is pregnant again, due in January. With their first, they didn't find out the gender, it was a boy, they circed him "to look like dad." (Heck, they even named him after dad....and now they call him Little Lou, wonder if he'll have a complex about that?)

I am not that close to my SIL. I like her a lot, and I think she's a great mom, even though her choices are pretty different from mine. She's not a person who's really into research or reading, as far as I can tell....she's pretty much a mainstream, do what her mom and her SIL did kinda person.

I see her maybe twice a year. I'm going to be seeing her in a week, as we're going to a family wedding. I think it's probably too soon to tackle her about circ, as I just found out she's pregnant. She's never met 11 month old ds, and I'm hoping she'll ask whether we circed or not (or maybe I can show off some gorgeous CDs while changing him so she can see that he's intact).

DH is not particularly helpful on this front. He was fine with keeping ds intact even though he himself is circed, but doesn't see a problem with circ. So I can't enlist him to talk to SIL, even though I think he'd do a better job (I think I'm too passionate on the issue and scare people off.)

If the subject doesn't come up next weekend, I think I'm going to wait a little while and then maybe send her the Fleiss articles with a note saying, I read these while I was pregnant and they made a huge impression on me, I thought you might want to read them and maybe do some research, here are some websites if you're interested in further information (nocirc and noharmm were the two I thought I'd include).

Any thoughts, comments, suggestions on my plan? I'm really losing sleep over this. I just don't know how to be persuasive and effective without charging in like a bull in a china shop.

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Old 07-03-2003, 02:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jane
If the subject doesn't come up next weekend, I think I'm going to wait a little while and then maybe send her the Fleiss articles with a note saying, I read these while I was pregnant and they made a huge impression on me, I thought you might want to read them and maybe do some research, here are some websites if you're interested in further information (nocirc and noharmm were the two I thought I'd include).
IMO, I think you should not try too hard when you see her. If it comes up, great, but if not, cool too.

Then send her the package with the info with a nice congratulations card and a note saying how helpful these articles were for you.
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Old 07-03-2003, 02:40 PM
 
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This caused a huge huge fallout in my family..
We did not circ, SIL did.. and got really really angry when we brought it up.
So I'd really really be careful and either wait until she brought it up.. or bring it up and make sure she really is receptive.
SIL did not speak to us for months because of this (not that I minded.. lol.. but DH did.)
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Old 07-03-2003, 02:49 PM
 
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The key to opening this topic might be to begin with just one article. Too much information might chase her away causing her to not look at it at all. In the accompanying note you might mention the circ rate and that more and more parents are questioning/opting out of circ.

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Old 07-03-2003, 02:55 PM
 
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An after-thought:

Could you ask how much the first circ cost her? You could mention many insurance companies are now refusing to cover it(without a glimmer of emotion) and leave it at that. Then "later" send one piece of information mentioning that her boys will/are quickly become the minority.
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Old 07-04-2003, 03:07 AM
 
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Here's what Ihave done. If sending an email, send info on several much less contrpversial subjects aklong with the circ. info. I usually start out with baby clothes, breastfeeding, etc. links. Then I may say this is an article that Ifounnd very interesting, alot of parents are misinformed or want this information but are embarrassed to ask it! (add link)/ So far, Ihave had either no mention or positive responses, I don't believe anyone felt I was being pushy. I have also printed info. on circumcision and breastfeeding to add to shower gifts, all with positive responnses. Iadd a note saying if the yare not interested, please disregard. For more info. or questions about why I may have sent this, contact me!
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Old 07-04-2003, 04:51 AM
 
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I love your approach(sp?) bebesho2.
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Old 07-04-2003, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the ideas, everyone! Bebesho2, I think your approach would be perfect, if this were her first - but she already has one and bf'd to 9 months, so I don't have anything to tell her on that front. I really wish I had been up on this when she first got pregnant, though: that would have been perfect! And I will keep it in mind for future friends.

Any other thoughts out there, I'd love to hear them....

BTW, what's the best site for showing dh a video of a circ? I'm wondering if I take a run at showing him how awful it is, he may come around. He would be such a good advocate - laid back and nonconfrontational, but effective.

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Old 12-02-2003, 03:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I did it! I didn't try to give SIL any info back in July at the family wedding but we went up there for Thanksgiving. I have to say, it went much, much better than I expected. I asked her whether she and her dh had researched circ before ds#1 was born and she said "No, not really." So I just told her that we had found this information helpful and educational and gave her the Fleiss article from Mothering as well as the Fleiss book. I talked a little about how the foreskin is important sexually and how circ is really painful, but it was a conversation of less than five minutes.

I was impressed at how non-defensive she was; she thanked me for the information and said it was always better to be informed. I just hope that she and her dh read the stuff and then have the courage to leave their second child intact. (Technically they don't know for sure it's a boy but their ultrasound tech slipped up even though they didn't want to find out, so they're pretty sure.)

She's due in six weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

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Old 12-02-2003, 04:24 AM
 
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I went through the same challenge with my SIL, and I choose not to push the issue when my SIL, MIL and I had my two boys and her youngest in the play pool and my MIL made the comment on my youngest sons foreskin lenghth since he is intact. My MIL went onto comment on how "stubby" my circed nephew looked, which I thought was not appropriate even though I am anti-circ. My SIL then begam to comment on how she didnt have to go through the retraction and cleaning issue with her son. This was my opportunity to eduacte her on non-circ issues (Pain,Cleaning,Size,etc). My MIL and SIL had never seen an intact penis until I had my youngest son.

I think that since I was non-judgemental, they were much more open to my position.
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Old 12-04-2003, 02:24 AM
 
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Some people will circ no matter what you say to them.
My sister and I were both pg at the same time and both expecting boys. I started researching circ and shared some of the info with my sister. My ds was born 3.5 months before hers. My ds is intact. Her ds is circ'd. They did it so he would look like dad. Oh well. I just feel bad for my nephew. I get to see that little circ'd penis everyday and it just breaks my heart everytime. I think that had I lived by my sister while we were pg that she might not have circ'd. We lived in different states back then. I don't know if it was something she felt strongly about doing, but until I moved close to her, she pretty much did whatever everyone else was doing. All of her kids are vaxed (neither of mine are), no bf after 1 month (I bf dd for 6 weeks then went to work f/t; bf ds f/t until he was 12 months and he self-weaned), disposables (dd was in disposables because I didn't know about cloth but ds has been in cloth now for about 7 months). I don't really push the subject too much but she does hear me preach to other people. I can't stand parents who do things to their kids without researching first. Just makes me so mad.
I do hope that your sil does some research and decides to keep her ds intact. To do it just to have him look like dad or even his brother is just wrong.
Sorry this is so long and I hope everything works out for the best. Please let us know what happens.
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