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The Case Against Circumcision > I need HELP!!!!
titania8's Avatar titania8 03:36 PM 08-17-2007
what a wonderful dh you have! im so happy to the good news. i hope you find peace with this, and realize what a non issue it is. i know it feels huge right now, and there are lots of 'what ifs' floating around in your head, but it will pass. try and focus on the miracle that is your new baby. his penis is non of anyone else's business. end of discussion. many hugs mama (and papa!!)
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glongley's Avatar glongley 03:37 PM 08-17-2007
Great news, TryingMyBest! You and your husband are both awesome in terms of wrestling with this, and then listening to your gut feelings.

I think once you both get through the sleep deprivation, and then have a chance to talk some more about it , that you will get clearer and clearer about what really lead you to this decision.

If people ask why you didn't circumcise, be ready with a simple, honest answer, to help you avoid feeling anxious over this: e.g. "We just didn't feel it was our choice to make." "It's just not necessary." "He's perfect the way he is." "We just couldn't put him through that for no good reason," or whatever else really ultimately tipped the scales in favor of not doing it. Although you don't really owe anyone an explanation, I think it would be good for you to frame in your own mind the positive reasons why you didn't do it, rather than just the default: "Oh we just couldn't make up our minds, and then the insurance wouldn't pay for it, and I hope he doesn't hate us later" kind of stuff that you have been going through the last few days.

Do keep educating yourselves. The more you know, the more comfortable and confident you will be in raising a son intact, and the better able to protect his wholeness as he grows up (given some of the pressures and ignorance in our culture). Your son deserves your full support in being intact. The time for vacillation is over.

Here's an article I feel is a must-read for all parents of intact boys, called "Protect Your Uncircumcised Son" by "foreskin-friendly" pediatrician Paul Fleiss, a good place to start your post-decision education, and an important reference down the road:
http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...uncircson.html

Again, congratulations to you both on your new baby and on successfully navigating a great growth experience. You made the right decision, and we are here to help you with any other information or support your might need.

Gillian
zak's Avatar zak 05:16 PM 08-17-2007
I'm sorry this was such a stressful and trying time, but you guys made the best decision! I'm so glad!!!!
calngavinsmom's Avatar calngavinsmom 05:36 PM 08-17-2007
I am so happy to read your update. You have one lucky little guy there....and a whole board of support here. We are here whenever you need us!

I agree with checking out the "finding your tribe" section. You might be surprised to find some intact friends for your little one

Take care,
Tara
jessjgh1's Avatar jessjgh1 06:10 PM 08-17-2007
Thanks for the good news.

And just so you know, it is not like this board is the only forum that exists... there ARE other intact- support groups and there ARE likely more allies out there for you than you know about.

Jessica
TryingMyBest's Avatar TryingMyBest 08:08 PM 08-17-2007
Thanks Glongley, you are a really sweet person. I agree with what you are saying. It takes time to get over the fear side of it...stupid society again. It would have just been so much easier if the procedure had NEVER been created in the US back in the 1800's. It really stinks that things got as far as they did.

Anyway, I think that the beginning of my problem was some post partum depression. Today, I hit rock bottom. I think the shift from anxiety to nothing....shifted me into high gear depression. We went to lunch and I just laid my head on the table and cried...and I still don't know WHY. It would make sense on why I had blown the topic so wildly out of proportion in the beginning anyway. It was so hard to figure out up from down...I was too deep into the quagmire and I am assuming hormonally I just couldn't get my arms around it. I called my doc to see if I should try medicine but I am breastfeeding...and I WON'T subject the baby to anything that will cross milk. The cool thing about today is that I realized what was fueling the majority of my angst etc. It HAS to be hormones or PPD. I am normally not such a basket case.

Thank you for your reply. If you get time, EMAIL me, I would love to continue dialogue with you.
TryingMyBest's Avatar TryingMyBest 08:11 PM 08-17-2007
How do I look for my tribes? Where in the world are those?
A&A's Avatar A&A 09:18 PM 08-17-2007
What state do you live in? We can link you to the "tribe" area for that state. (Some "tribes" are more active than others.)
A&A's Avatar A&A 09:21 PM 08-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingMyBest View Post
No matter what any of you say, there is a relief and I feel better. But, I am also scared. Embarassed or not by this piece of information but going that far against the grain in a community with 90% circ rates is scary. It is completely backward to say that...but we cannot deny our feelings right? I didn't feel strong enough to deal with it "forever"....KWIM? It still feels weird to have EVERYONE (short of you guys) tell you to do it, it feels foreign. I worry for any effects it will have on my house. This was the flip side to my decision. I am hoping that the relief of not hurting this baby will continue to override those fears. I will have to find a strong support network to help out. NOONE I know has NOT circed their boys.

Either way, I am exhausted and I am going to bed.



For now, just focus on the relief.

And come here often!
A&A's Avatar A&A 09:24 PM 08-17-2007
And let me tell you...........five years ago, when I left my son intact, I didn't know ONE PERSON in real life with an intact son.

But now, my sister, my friend, and my cousin all left their baby boys intact......because of me and my information. So, if/when you feel up to it, you can help spread the word about not circumcising.
Quirky's Avatar Quirky 09:24 PM 08-17-2007
If you look at the top of this page, you'll see the headings/subheadings with little > arrows showing you that currently you're in MotheringDotCommune Forums > Health > The Case Against Circumcision. If you click on the MotheringDotCommune link, that will take you to the main forum page (this forum is just a small part of the whole forum).

There is a main heading for Tribal Areas, with subheadings for geographical areas. Here is the link to the tribal area for Georgia, Florida, and Alabama:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=77

Also, you should definitely go over to the Post-partum Depression forum -- lots of great information and support there. Even if you decide meds are not for you, you will get many suggestions on natural therapies to help you combat this problem. At a minimum, I would recommend taking several fish oil capsules a day -- it's healthy oil, helps your brain with issues like depression, and will help your baby's brain deveopment as well as it will make your breast milk healthier. An all-around win-win!

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=28
l_olive's Avatar l_olive 09:49 PM 08-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingMyBest View Post

Anyway, I think that the beginning of my problem was some post partum depression. Today, I hit rock bottom. I think the shift from anxiety to nothing....shifted me into high gear depression.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down.

You've made a brave and wise decision and I'm quite sure your son will someday thank you.

Take time to get yourself to a happier place, visit some of the other areas here -- did you know there's a postpartum depression forum? -- but please, please come back when you're feeling up to it.

There are still are a few things you need to know about having an intact son -- like what retraction is and why it's BAD, and how to protect him from people (like grandmas and docs and nurses) who might try to retract him. Or what separation trauma is and what it looks like.

I don't want you to think that these things are scary, though, and you seem to be in a fragile place right now.

So please remember this... Foreskins are not something to be afraid of. They're no more dirty or prone to disease than any other part of the body.

I have great respect for you and your dh for making what was a difficult decision for you.

Take care mama.
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar MCatLvrMom2A&X 10:45 PM 08-17-2007
There are safe meds you can take while bfing Zoloft is the best. I wouldnt be alive today without taking it I had ppd so bad. So dont let bfing stop you. I took it for 15months after my dd and around 5months after my ds they are both fine and they both still have their mommy.

If you feel like you need meds then take them dont allow yourself to suffer when it is preventable.
TryingMyBest's Avatar TryingMyBest 11:54 PM 08-17-2007
Thanks guys! I am feeling better this evening even though DH is completely mortified of me. I kept clinging to him trying to feel better...and I think he thought I was going to start humping his leg or something. Oh well...he had to get out of the house for a while. He has never seen me so irrational and out of my head as I was this week. I am embarassed to even read half the stuff I have written on this board or my regular board. Ughghghghghghghghgh. I am a moderator and forum leader on that site....so...probably going to abuse my privaledge and scurge the permanent record all Ferris Bueller like.

Anyway, I got on the Atlanta page and sent a "Shout Out" out on a play group thingy. So maybe there are some girls around here that wanna get together.

My little monster is snoozing in my lap finally...I think he is starting to decompress too. Always have to wonder what all the little boogers pick up on. He was SO tense.

Anyway, thanks!
tuansprincess's Avatar tuansprincess 12:57 AM 08-18-2007
I'm so happy for your family. Take care of yourself and your little ones.

:
AntoninBeGonin's Avatar AntoninBeGonin 10:48 PM 08-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingMyBest View Post
I hate to say it but it seems that white girls are the most "squeamish" about it..they have kind of nasty attitudes about oral sex on uncirced guys in some cases.
You're looking at this through the perspective of someone who grew up in an era where intact was the oddity. Remember that in the 1980s, the vast majority of American newborns were circumcised. So the vast majority of men in their 20s and 30s are circumcised. Our kids generation is the one where circumcision has fallen from being the overwhelmingly common choice to done a little more than half. When our own kids are adults having sex every other man will be intact. Intact will no longer be the oddity it is among 20 and 30-somethings it is today. When our sons are intact women their age won't think twice before giving them oral because by then the intact penis will be perfectly normal.
AntoninBeGonin's Avatar AntoninBeGonin 10:56 PM 08-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingMyBest View Post
A VALID fear to worry that your child will not be happy with your decision EITHER WAY.
It might help you if you stop thinking of leaving your son intact as a decision you have to make. As Papai said, that's like saying you made the decision not to pull your son's eyeballs out. Leaving a human being with all the normal and healthy body parts he was born with is simply the right thing to do.
+stella+'s Avatar +stella+ 11:26 PM 08-19-2007
Here I go with the waaaay TMI, but the first guy I ever performed oral sex on was intact. And this was when I was in 9th grade in West Virginia. Let me tell you, I am sure he was an oddity, but I "loved him" ( "" because I was 15 what did I know :P) I didnt have a problem.

My son only has one testicle, I figure, if a girl likes him enough to be that close to tell, she will have a lot of other reasons for liking him and she wont care. Oh and he is intact, which is funny because I worry about the testicle thing more, his intact state I dont even worry with. go figure
AntoninBeGonin's Avatar AntoninBeGonin 02:37 AM 08-20-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingMyBest View Post
315 this morning I am pacing the bedroom. The baby can sense the tension and he is awake too. The first time since my milk came in that he was awake at an odd time. He is a pleasant baby that sleeps more than through the night at 3 days old. Crazy good.

DH can't sleep either, he feels nauseous and sick to his stomach so he's on the computer. He asks why I am up. I tell him I am having a hard time sleeping. He says well, it's over now. I asked him what he meant and he said..I made the decision. We are not going. I asked him why, he said don't ask me anything. I made the decision, now leave it alone. I still don't know what happened.

No matter what any of you say, there is a relief and I feel better. But, I am also scared. Embarassed or not by this piece of information but going that far against the grain in a community with 90% circ rates is scary. It is completely backward to say that...but we cannot deny our feelings right? I didn't feel strong enough to deal with it "forever"....KWIM? It still feels weird to have EVERYONE (short of you guys) tell you to do it, it feels foreign. I worry for any effects it will have on my house. This was the flip side to my decision. I am hoping that the relief of not hurting this baby will continue to override those fears. I will have to find a strong support network to help out. NOONE I know has NOT circed their boys.

Either way, I am exhausted and I am going to bed.
Hooray!!!
RachelGS's Avatar RachelGS 01:16 PM 08-20-2007
You're doing the right thing.
cottonwood's Avatar cottonwood 06:30 PM 08-20-2007
Quote:
So, honestly...you ladies didn't regret leaving your sons intact afterward....for fear of the future? That is a breath of fresh air if so!
No, just the opposite. I'm incredibly relieved and thankful that my firstborn wasn't circumcised due to our ignorance. We knew nothing, so it could have easily gone the other way.

I was just at a family gathering (where I'm sure 95% of the males were circumcised) and saw a baby boy, ten weeks old. He was always in arms, breastfed and big and healthy. And fussy, edgy. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd been put through the trauma of circumcision. Sure enough. When I saw his exposed glans I felt so, so bad for him. And bad for his parents, who, being as loving as they are, surely simply didn't know better. If they knew what they'd done, they'd be overwhelmed with guilt and grief. I don't even want to think about how I'd feel now if I'd allowed that to be done to my son, to only later realize how awful and unnecessary it is.
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