My husbands anger... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 07-31-2003, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When we were pregnant with my daughter, we talked about circing if we had a boy. I was against it and my Dh was for it (because he wanted his son to look like him). Well luckily we had a girl and due to hospital crap, I had to nurse her in the circing room in the nursery. Well all it took was one look at the circumstraint for my Dh to realize how horrible it would be to do that to a newborn.

He has been anti-circ since.

Well i never gave much thought to circing and its horrors because I had a daughter and penis' were the LEAST of my concerns (Dh's included hehe!). Well now we are about to have a boy. And for some reason, I have suddenly become very interested in intactivism. So I have been reading LOTS about intact penis' and sharing some of the info with my Dh. We have looked at pics, he had never seen an intact penis. He did have a European friend in High School who was intact and always bragged about how much better life is with a foreskin.

So now, he becomes irritated with the information and has admitted anger at his parents for letting this happen to him. I must admit, I too would LOVE to have an intact husband who had so much more sensitivity and did not NEED friction to ejaculate (not to mention the other enhancements of a natural penis).

SO how do I help him deal with these feelings of anger? We are both happy in our decision not to rob our son of his foreskin, but how do we heal the pain of my husbands mutilation??
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#2 of 12 Old 07-31-2003, 02:33 PM
 
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((HUGS)) to you guys. I went through the same thing with my dh. It was hard for him to deal with the feelings he had once he realized what they did to him. Just be there to listen and validate his feelings. I gave my dh some info in restoration but he decided not to unfortunately. It will probably come up again off and on later too. At least that has been the case here.
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#3 of 12 Old 07-31-2003, 02:54 PM
 
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Is he interested in restoration at all? I don't have any direct experience, but reading about Frank's and other men's experiences with restoration, it seems like they have been able to get some of the sensitivity back, and so forth. It also seems to me it would be empowering in the sense of doing something affirmatively to restore that which was taken from him by force and against his will. Maybe even writing a letter to his parents (that he doesn't send) expressing his feelings of anger and betrayal would be therapeutic.

I wish my dh would even get to the point of being angry. He's so far gone in denial it's not funny. He's perfectly happy with the way he is and gets more than a little annoyed if I refer to circ as mutilation, or mention the benefits of having a foreskin. (Not that I'm trying to put him down in any way whatsoever, but he takes it all personally if I try to educate him. )

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#4 of 12 Old 07-31-2003, 03:20 PM
 
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nak

my dh is the same as Jane's. He doesn't get mad, exactly, but he doesn't feel mutilated. He was initially pro-circ, but not very, and was easy to convince re: intactness before we birthed our children.

He thinks circ is useless and feels that it should be illegal without total pain meds, but as far as recognizing the loss to a child of having no foreskin, it's a no-go. I don't even try to convince him any more because it's pointless.

Oh well. My ds is intact and at least dh isn't rooting for circ!
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#5 of 12 Old 08-01-2003, 01:51 AM
 
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My dh also went through a lot of anger once he faced the realities of circumcision. For awhile he was extremely angry with his parents, but then he realized that in 1961 California it was all the rage and his parents were unlikely to have any information about pros and cons. Also, when his dad was a child he had a kidney removed and the doctor went ahead and removed his foreskin too . Dh has been restoring for about 3 years and it has made a huge difference in how he feels. At least he's DOING something...and the progress he has made is amazing . I think that knowing he protected his sons from his "fate" has also been healing.
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#6 of 12 Old 08-01-2003, 02:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by alissakae
I think that knowing he protected his sons from his "fate" has also been healing.
This is my DH too. When the subject came up for us when I was pregnant with DS#2 (DS1 has a different father). I explained why I kept DS#1 whole, and told him about everything about circ's. He knew some things, but not all of it! He was *very* hurt, and angry for a few months after that . It helped him a great deal knowing his son would not suffer the same fate.
Also, my SIL, his sister just had a son. I talked about the subject with her when she was pregnant, even telling her abut her brother's anger. I was so happy to see that new little intact penis when I changed his diaper at 4 days old! This too, was good for my DH.

Kristina; wife to Max, Mom to Tristan (17) and Zackariah (7) and Lillian (5)
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#7 of 12 Old 08-01-2003, 02:44 PM
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You know, I think some anger about this issue is healthy and normal.

My dh is on the extreme opposite end--although he became VERY anti-circ with the birth of our son, he's never once expressed any anger at either his parents or the doc. This just can't be healthy.
( *I* on the other hand, do have anger toward his parents for circ'ing him!)

He's also told me that he never got angry at his parents for getting a divorce, either.

I think the anger just goes somewhere else--like into his smoking.

So, just give your dh some time, and realize that he is expressing healthy emotion! (Also reassure him that you love him just the way he is.)
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#8 of 12 Old 08-02-2003, 12:07 AM
 
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Consider the book: Circumcision the Hidden Trauma by Ronald Goldman

Absolutley avoid at all costs- the book: "Sex as nature Intended it"


My husband is restoring...it's been a long journey emotionally from that first pregnancy to now for him...

There are a lot of "normal" guys who are restoring,it's not just something reclusive gay men do- it's getting REALLY mainstream... we heard a comedian with a hillbilly redneck accent on XM radio do a bit about circumcision the other day- didn'tcatch his name though ... "Why did they do that? Did they have a reason? I want to KNOW! heck- I want it BACK! They say it makes a man more sin-si-tive... my last girlfriend always complained that I wasn't sin-si-tive enough... well- there you have it!"

People are laughing... very nervously... the word is getting out.

Give your husband time and don't you ever ever put your own sexual ideas about what his body could have been, heaped on his doorstep- (this is why I hate the Sex and nature intended it book) His body is his... and he does not owe anyone anything with it... don't revictimise him with desire for restoration... that has to be something that comes from his own heart... all you can do is tell him that you have heard abut it and that if he would like to try it you will support him with it...that you won't laugh or criticize.

Love Sarah
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#9 of 12 Old 08-02-2003, 01:10 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by mamajulie
You know, I think some anger about this issue is healthy and normal.

My dh is on the extreme opposite end--although he became VERY anti-circ with the birth of our son, he's never once expressed any anger at either his parents or the doc. This just can't be healthy.
( *I* on the other hand, do have anger toward his parents for circ'ing him!)

He's also told me that he never got angry at his parents for getting a divorce, either.

I think the anger just goes somewhere else--like into his smoking.
Except for the anti-circ and smoking parts, I could have written this about my dh....not only is he not mad about being circed, he's not angry about his parents' bitter, nasty, awful divorce when he was six. Can you say, complete and total denial?

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#10 of 12 Old 08-02-2003, 02:20 AM
 
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My x-hubby is also in total and complete denial (concerning many issues).......
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#11 of 12 Old 08-02-2003, 04:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh is really remarkable sometimes with his depth of feeling. I am always impressed by him. I would NEVER make comments on him being circ'ed. I love him as is, foreskin or not.

I know that for him, this is a passing phase and the anger will quiet down only to ever resurface when people bring up not circ'ing our own son. He always tells me that "anger is a gift" and I am sure he will use it to fuel a passion against mutilating our son. We have not talked about it since, so I guess he is processing his feelings and storing that anger for a time when it will be useful.

However, I feel a bit mournful for him. I tear up at the thought of the man that I love so much being an newborn strapped down to a circumstraint and being robbed of his body parts. It makes me want to hold him tighter and cry for him.
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#12 of 12 Old 08-06-2003, 01:31 AM
 
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Well, my dh is circed and so are our older two boys. We really had no clue!! We thought about not having our second son done, but dh was like well Taylor will look like me and Tristen won't. So, at the last minute he decided to have it done. I don't think it helped that his mother was telling us how ugly they looked, and that everyone would make fun of him...etc. When we got pg with Tyme who is our youngest baby and a boy, we knew for sure that we were not going to do it. We feel so bad about Taylor and Tristen, but like I said we really had no clue at all about anything. Now we know, and it will never happen again. I think it also helped that we had our last two at home and not in a hospital. Although, if Tyme would have been born in a hospital we still would not have done it. Yes, I wish we would have known what really happens. We were just stupid. We told both Taylor and Tristen that if we would have known we would have never done it to them. Tristen is a bit too young to understand....he acts like oh okay whatever and then goes on his way. Taylor was like you cut me!!! It was horriable, but I feel that there is nothing we can do about it now. I explained to him how we didn't know. Nobody ever told us anything and that we never researched it. He wasn't mad, which I am thankful for, but I know that he was like I can't believe what the Dr did to me. He doesn't blame us or the Dr. He did tell me that he isn't going to have his sons penis cut. I told him good, because there is no need for it, and that I didn't want him to make the same mistake we had made. I think that even though we have made some mistakes that by us being honest and letting them know what we know that they won't do the same thing. This is all we can hope and strive for. We think of it as mutilation, and have said so in front of the boys, but I think they will learn from our mistakes and not do it to their own boys. I wish all of the time that we would have known then, but my husband tells me that there is nothing we can do about now as far as our two older boys go themselves, but that we can teach them what we know and they can pass it on to their kids. As well as sharing what we know with other people, and you know what I think he is right.

I forgot to add that dh says he is mad that his mom and dad let it happen to him, but I don't think he would say anything to them because we did it to our older boys. I think he is hoping that they don't get angry with us. Plus I believe that even though they may have known what really happens..at least his mom she was and EMT..that they felt they were doing the best thing. My dad was concerned about Tyme being intact. He was concerned with cancer, cleanliness, etc. We told him what we learned and that our decision was final, but I think he is still worried. I say it is also a generational thing as well as how he was brought up. They justt didn't know any better back then. KWIM

Lisa, Traditional Roman Catholic, :::: wife to Brandon, mama to Taylor 17, Tristen 13, Trinity 9, Tyme 6, Wesley Thomas 4, Teresa 3, Gabriella 2, Isabella 1., and Marisela 2/2010.
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