My Son's exsistance (and intact status) makes me feel weird about my husband's circ'd status... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 51 Old 03-01-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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My husband is restoring!

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#32 of 51 Old 03-01-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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I read it on a website awhile back, the same time I found the foreskin coverage index, but now I can't remember where. It was my understanding and not something he looked into. There is no skin loose for stretching, so I'm not sure I understand how it would work.
Restoring does not require a certain amount of skin. The way it works is by applying tension. The tension creates conditions within the skin that induces cell division. The cell division adds new skin cells and thus grows additional skin. As well as the nerves and muscles, of course.

At any rate, as long as a man can put his skin under enough tension for enough time, his skin will grow. It really is that simple. But of course not so easy in practive.

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#33 of 51 Old 03-01-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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My husband is restoring!
Super!

Best wishes!

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#34 of 51 Old 03-01-2008, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband is restoring!
Any tips on talking a man into trying that?

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#35 of 51 Old 03-01-2008, 08:25 PM
 
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Any tips on talking a man into trying that?
I don't know. I just sorta talked about it and my feelings about circ around him and he wanted to see the info himself. I think when I read the 10 ways that circ hurts women site, I mentioned that and how I was feeling about it (it really got me upset). Then I thought that he had too tight a circ for restoration, which I'd told him as well. Then yesterday I said, "hey, I guess I was wrong - your circ isn't too tight." So he wanted to see the websites and I showed him. I didn't look at them with him. I just let him read them on his own. I didn't put any pressure on him at all.

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#36 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 10:26 AM
 
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Any tips on talking a man into trying that?

The problem is that restoration is a long and tedious process that takes substantial committment. If the man is not on board with it and does not believe it will produce a substantial benefit for him, he is not likely to have the committment to run the full mile and will give up after only a few weeks of trying and it usually takes several months to start seeing results.

You can put the information before him and let him investigate it himself but if he does not believe he will benefit and does not have the committment to follow it through, it simply will not happen. This does not mean he doesn't love you enough. Most circumcised men have thoroughly satisfying orgasms and simply do not understand or believe that there are an entire range of sensations that are gained by restoring. They will actually assert that their sexual experience couldn't be any better and if it were, they couldn't stand it. In fact, there are a range of sexual sensations that come well before orgasm that they have never experienced and since they haven't experienced them, they can't comprehend that they exist.

As an example, some animals can see light in the ultra-violet and infra-red color spectrum but humans can not. If I were to tell you that if you were to tape deep purple, heavy lenses over your eyes every day, all day long for 3 years you would be able to see the ultra-violent and infra-red colors, you would probably think I am a kook. You'd think you could see colors perfectly fine and had no need to see this wider range of colors. You would certainly be resistant to walking around with these lenses taped to your face. It's the same situation with men who are circumcised. Does that make sense?

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#37 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 11:37 AM
 
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I don't know. I just sorta talked about it and my feelings about circ around him and he wanted to see the info himself. I think when I read the 10 ways that circ hurts women site, I mentioned that and how I was feeling about it (it really got me upset). Then I thought that he had too tight a circ for restoration, which I'd told him as well. Then yesterday I said, "hey, I guess I was wrong - your circ isn't too tight." So he wanted to see the websites and I showed him. I didn't look at them with him. I just let him read them on his own. I didn't put any pressure on him at all.

What she said!

If it were me, this would work well I believe. Just discuss what YOU find and feel and wonder about. Let him take it at his pace.

As was said, this is a long process. I have been at it for 7 years, and have longer to go. so it takes some dedication and persistence.

The good thing is you will likely improve sex in the first month or so. At least that is how it worked for me and my doubting DW. After 3 or 4 weeks, one time in bed she just suddelny shared that intercourse was feeling a whole lot better, but could not put her finger on it. I too was realizing things were somehow feeling a lot better.

As time went on we both found that that early improvement was actually just a small improvement. And then, when I reached a threshold of skin length that allowed my skin to cover my glans without using a lot of tension, things really took off in the improved feelings department. At that point I was getting new and completely different feelings fo sexual pleasure, apparently from the movement of the skin, not any increase in sensitivity. And lubricant was no longer needed.

And it keeps getting better!

And one last point I will offer. Although it sounds extremely tedious and like it will be forever, it is not something you have to do without ever stopping. You can take a break whenever you wish. You can change methods whenever you want. You can fit it into your lifestyle however works best for you. And you are the one to decide how long you need to do this to achieve what you wish.

As an example, I only tape up on the weekdays. I take the weekends and any out of town trips that come up as rest periods form restoring. In addition, I take May and June, sometimes into August off. No problem.

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#38 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 04:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Interesting to know!

I have tried mentioning it... just what I've been reading about. He acts uncharacteristicly uninterested in what I have been reading or have to say about it (if it were, say, any other topic he had no interest in, he'd at least be acting interested, I guess, usually). I take this to mean that he's defensive about it. eh... I guess now's not the right time. I'll just keep things casual and periodic and see if anything changes as we go...

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#39 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 05:04 PM
 
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My husband is restoring!
Okay... OT, but....

I have been on MDC since 1998. My old user name got deleted and I got this one in 2001, so the post count is a bit off... Still. How in the WORLD do you have 15,500 posts?!?!
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#40 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 05:12 PM
 
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For me, it's not that I'm bothered by the appearance of his penis, its that I wonder what we're missing out on. I had no problem bringing up the topic of his future son's penis, and he was pretty easily convinced that it's unecessary, but I am afraid to even bring up the topic of restoration, because I don't want him feeling self-concious or inadequate about his penis.

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#41 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 05:55 PM
 
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Well, for me, if you just brought it up like any other subject. You know, like:

"Did you see this? Do you think it is really true?"

"Listen to this...."

"This sounds crazy, what do you think...."


And then let the conversation go from there. Just exploring things, not trying to convince someone.

At least that would work for me. YMMV.

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#42 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 06:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think he's annoyed that I'm even looking into it anymore after we've already made our decision about our son (and defended ourselves to his parents who were quite upset)... I need to take a break for now, but I think you're right... it's a good way to go. I'll give it some time and then try that

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#43 of 51 Old 03-02-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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Okay... OT, but....

I have been on MDC since 1998. My old user name got deleted and I got this one in 2001, so the post count is a bit off... Still. How in the WORLD do you have 15,500 posts?!?!
There's a whole thread about this in TAO: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=855872

I don't have the most posts. Not even close. I'm not even in the top 10 anymore.

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#44 of 51 Old 03-03-2008, 04:19 AM
 
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I've heard that as you get older, though, menopause and all, it can be helpful to make sex more comfortable through dryness issues and such...
i experience problems with dh's circed penis even though i'm not anywhere near menopause (i'm 21)...i'm certain part of it has to do with hormones, as it hurts at times, is uncomfortable at others, and is completely fine at yet other times. it isn't just dryness issues though and i have tried talking to dh about restoring and he's absolutely not interested. i'm fairly positive that he thinks that the problem is entirely mine. it makes me really sad and it contributes to us having sex less often, cuz i have no idea if it will hurt *this* time or not.

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#45 of 51 Old 03-03-2008, 05:47 AM
 
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I'm having these same issues, which are compounded by the fact that I allowed him to pressure me into having our son circumcised (before I knew better, but still just felt wrong about it). Ages ago, before we even started TTC, I talked to him about the vulvar pain I had every time we have sex. I always thought it was something wrong with ME. Only now that I know more about circumcision am I realizing it probably isn't me at all. It was hard enough to bring it up then. I know I should bring it up now, but I don't want him to feel like I think he's not "good enough" the way he is.

Could the PP who mentioned the site on how circ hurts women post the URL? I'd be VERY interested to see it.

SAHM to Declan (12/12/06) and Blythe (2/9/09)
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#46 of 51 Old 03-03-2008, 05:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by annakiss View Post
There's a whole thread about this in TAO: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=855872

I don't have the most posts. Not even close. I'm not even in the top 10 anymore.
OK, Anna...I'm highly flattered that you linked to my thread. :

Good luck in your husband's restoration. Talking as a woman whose DH started restoring from a typical midwestern tight circ I can say both you and DH will definitely notice some good things happening...

Perpetually breastfeeding or pregnant ENFP mom to a lot of kids...wife to a midwestern nice guy...living in tropical paradise...pink cats and homebirths rock!

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#47 of 51 Old 03-03-2008, 09:01 PM
 
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i'm fairly positive that he thinks that the problem is entirely mine.

Herein lies the problem. He's not hurting, you're hurting and the conclusion is that it's your fault. If he were hurting, it would be his fault. That's a logical conclusion given the situation but it is the wrong conclusion. I can't plead innocence here either. I've had many lovers and a good many of them were in the same situation you're in. As a matter of fact, my last was not on board with me at all with my intactivism and restoration but she did agree that there was a substantial improvement after my restoration.


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it makes me really sad and it contributes to us having sex less often, cuz i have no idea if it will hurt *this* time or not.

Yes, absolutely! Each episode of pain makes an indelible mark on your subconcious and makes you fear the next time will also result in pain. With each subsequent session that is painful, the mark on your subconcious becomes bolder and bolder and eventually, you begin to associate intercourse with pain. When you get to that point, it is only natural that the frequency will fall off. With the aforementioned lover, our frequency almost doubled after I restored and it wasn't me that was driving that increased frequency, it was her. She had gained an entirely new appreciation of intimacy and wanted more. Who the heck was I to complain? I just knuckled down and got the job done!


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Originally Posted by Otterella
Ages ago, before we even started TTC, I talked to him about the vulvar pain I had every time we have sex. I always thought it was something wrong with ME. Only now that I know more about circumcision am I realizing it probably isn't me at all.

My exDW had this pain and I believe it went a long way toward bringing our marriage down. I suspect she was especially sensitive and also suspect that also caused lubrication problems that compounded the problem. Of course we both thought it was something wrong with her but now I wonder what it would have been if I had not been circumcised. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I could do a "do over" with all my previous lovers.


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It was hard enough to bring it up then. I know I should bring it up now, but I don't want him to feel like I think he's not "good enough" the way he is.
Maybe you could give him a link to this thread or just leave this thread up when you know he will be using the computer.

.
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#48 of 51 Old 03-04-2008, 11:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, last night I decided to just lay it out on the table as a "when we get older I don't want to hurt when we're having sex" angle... he said "ok" and I asked if he'd at least look into restoration and what it takes and what the pros and cons (if there are cons beyond the effort it takes) are and he agreed. soooo... I guess at least it's some minor movement toward something happening.

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#49 of 51 Old 03-04-2008, 01:17 PM
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I asked if he'd at least look into restoration and he agreed. soooo...
So you might have him read this man's story as a start:

http://xrl.us/ForeskinRestorationStory
.
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#50 of 51 Old 03-04-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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I've got to pop in with Doug's Manual Restoration Site

This is a very good intro to restoring, without devices, and you can do them with your partner. It helped me become familiar with my hubby again, and I very quickly stopped worrying that sex was going to hurt because I could touch him, without the expectation of sex. In just a few months, he has grown enough skin that sex is no longer painful. I am really amazed that manual stretching works so well. Especially since DH was circ'ed so that there was no slack skin... now, it actually bunches a little

And really, what man can resist "Honey, can I play with your penis? It's supposed to make sex better for both of us." :

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#51 of 51 Old 03-04-2008, 02:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks! I'll pass it on, and hopefully he won't be annoyed

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