What if your husband insists? - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-11-2008, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My first son was a preemie. DH wanted him circed to look like him. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. He was bleeding everywhere, screaming till he was hoarse, didn't heal right, etc. I hauled him home with his oxygen tanks and monitors dragging behind us and cried for days. I HATED what I'd let happen to my fragile son.

We had our second son three months ago, full term. I told DH I didn't want the procedure done. But he insisted. So I cried the whole time while it was done. It went better than DS1, but it was still awful. I find myself praying we don't have anymore boys. Have any of your husbands insisted? What did you do?
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Old 08-11-2008, 04:39 PM
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My husband insisted, and so we did it. I would never do it again. I would say no. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I am like you - I hope I don't have any more boys because I don't want to have that fight with DH.

Mom to DS 12/07 and DD 11/13, plus a bunch of chickens, dogs, and cats.

Moving past many years of infertility and always thinking of my friends in the infertility forums.

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Old 08-11-2008, 04:46 PM
 
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Dh insisted but I put my mama bear foot down and said not to my son. There are many mom's in the regrets thread who ended up circing like you did because of their dh but there are many more who's dh's insisted and they said no and their ds's are intact.

I am so sorry that your 2 ds's paid the price for your dh's stubborness.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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Old 08-11-2008, 04:48 PM
 
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My husband feels the same as I do. If he was insisting that we have a son circ'd I would simply say no. It isn't going to happen. This is one thing that I would not even consider thinking about. He knows how strongly I feel about it so even if he were wanting it done he wouldn't dare bring it up. I am so thankful we have the same views on it. I never had to tell him no.
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Old 08-11-2008, 04:54 PM
 
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To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
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Old 08-11-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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Luckily, my son's dad feels the same as I do.

My sister's boyfriend... not so much. They fought her entire pregnancy over it, (and even more so after they found out it was a boy via u/s). Then he begged her to do it the whole 3 days they were in the hospital - he bribed her, he offered her money, he told her that she could pick the name, he told her that he would "let" her breastfeed/cloth diaper/etc, and even threatened to leave her. He literally threw a fit in the middle of the hospital and my sister had to have him removed by security.

Yes, it was hard on my sister to go through all of that. But it would have been a lot harder to live the rest of her life if she let them do that to her son.

So the answer to your question? Just don't do it. Its not like anyone's DH is going to grab the baby and start cutting the baby himself.

Carly [29] + DH [27] + DS [9]

TTC my second and his first!

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Old 08-11-2008, 04:59 PM
 
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I would insist right back..
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
Exactly. When my sister's BF threatened to leave her if she didn't have her baby circ'd, she literally laughed in his face and said "do you really think that I would choose you over my own child?!"


ETA: Oh, and I should say - My sister's baby is now a year old, and her BF has pretty much got over the fact that he has a foreskin. I'm sure he'd still *prefer* that he were circ'd, but he doesn't make a big deal out of it anymore.

Carly [29] + DH [27] + DS [9]

TTC my second and his first!

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Old 08-11-2008, 05:00 PM
 
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To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
ITA..
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
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I would insist right back..

: Frankly, it would NOT have happened and if my dh even thought to take them behind my back and have it done he would be very sorry. I can only imagine the rage I would unleash on him and then I would divorce him.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
:

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Old 08-11-2008, 05:19 PM
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I'd protect my son over my husband's fragile ego, no contest.

Long distance Mom to boarding school superstars E (9) and Layne (6).
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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As I read in another thread -- an adult male penis looks nothing like an infant penis, intact or not. By the time DS is old enough for their penises to be comperable, neither of them will care!

Learning & growing & changing everyday!
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:25 PM
 
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My then-husband "insisted" when I was pg with our 2nd and 3rd children (we didn't find out the sex). I made up my mind that, if they were boys, any doctor they saw would know where I stood and be threatened with a lawsuit for circumcising without my consent, and I simply wouldn't leave them alone with exH long enough for anything to happen behind my back. I was planning to go to court over it if necessary.
But they were both girls, and my 2nd husband is intact himself. :
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:26 PM
 
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What's the deal with "He should look like me!"? When the heck does that even come up? I don't remember a single incident of family nakedness during which genitals were compared.
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
Absolutely and totally agree. I'm so sorry that he has forced you into a corner like this
Do what you need to do emotionally for yourself, but don't allow this to happen again, and teach your boys the truth gently.
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:37 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that he has forced you into a corner like this
Do what you need to do emotionally for yourself, but don't allow this to happen again, and teach your boys the truth gently.
:

Learning & growing & changing everyday!
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:55 PM
 
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I told him there was no effing way it was happening.
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:55 PM
 
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I'd protect my son over my husband's fragile ego, no contest.
: I would have told DH no. End of story. Thankfully my husband is a very logical person and was fine with not circ'ing, because no way in heck would I have given in on that subject.

I'm so sorry your DH is being stubborn and irrational. I hope you can find a way to convince him next time, but if not - well, just be strong and say NO.

Stephanie ~ Mama to Avery (7/07) & Iona (3/10)
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Old 08-11-2008, 05:59 PM
 
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To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
Leave him. That's precisely what I would do. I don't think I'd end up leaving him because he would realize how REALLY serious I was about it.

But DH knew how I felt about circ before we were even married. I told him we couldn't get married if we didn't see eye to eye about it. He never had a firm opinion either way, so it wasn't a problem for him.
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:06 PM
 
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Over my dead body, and mean it.
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:06 PM
 
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There's one other point I want to touch on, as gently and lovingly as possible. Your DSs will see your relationship with your husband as the ideal and will emulate it when they get married. You teach people how to treat you. And if you routinely allow DH to be inconsiderate of your feelings, DSs will do this to their wives.

Sorry if this was out of line.

Learning & growing & changing everyday!
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Old 08-11-2008, 06:21 PM
 
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I think that's a good point.

DIYer mama to DD 11/00 and DS 6/05- both intact, naturally!
...missing Mothering Magazine...
 
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Old 08-11-2008, 08:40 PM
 
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It sounds like your DH isn't taking your feeling into consideration. The problem here is that the only compromise is to not do it since it can never be undone. If the situation comes up again you should put your foot down. I know this is hard but sometimes it's the only way. Since this isn't an immediate problem for you, you should take the time to slowly educate your husband so that if and when you do have another boy you would be closer to the same page. There have been other posters here who took that route and it worked out for them because their husbands had the time to absorbed the material and didn't feel as if they were being walked over themselves.
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Old 08-11-2008, 08:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
That's how I feel. Just say no. No male ever DIED because he was left intact, but your first son almost did. And even if it went okay, it's an unnecessary human rights violation. My kids come first than feeding my husband's insecurities.

I hope you don't circumcise any future-sons.
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Old 08-11-2008, 09:11 PM
 
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"Over my dead body".

Seriously, I wasn't going to let it happen no matter what. This is not a topic where there's any negotiating whatsoever. It is not my choice. It is not my husband's. It is my SON'S. And since he cannot make that decision for many more years, he will remain intact at least until then (although I highly doubt he will run out and get circ'ed as soon as he can).

My DH was kind of pissed that I flat out put my foot down, but he got over it and now he would never consider circ'ing a child. He'd just never known anyone who was intact (he grew up in michigan and the circ rate is really high up there) and so he thought it would be odd not to. Now he knows it's not odd and that it is very painful for babies and he doesn't want to hurt our kids.

Most parenting decisions parents should make together but cutting off a functional part of a child's body for no good reason should not even be up for discussion. Since it IS, sometimes we parents have to just be a mama/papa bear and protect our child.
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Old 08-11-2008, 09:45 PM
 
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Over my dead body, and mean it.
Yeah that. DH wanted our son circ'ed and tried to insist on it, and I just insisted right back that it wasn't gonna happen. I won....eventually. I told him I wasn't going to sign consent for the surgery, and they wouldn't do it without my consent.

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Old 08-11-2008, 10:32 PM
 
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To some this may sound a little harsh - but i would leave him. I could never in a million years allow my baby to be mutilated because my husband wanted it that way. Theres no way our marraige could last, and frankly it would be a hill i would die on. I love you hubby - but our kids come first.
seconded. nothing on earth would convince me to do it.
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Old 08-11-2008, 11:34 PM
 
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I refused to ttc until he agreed. It ended up with a huge fight and I told him it would happen over my dead body and I meant it. I'd never before (or since) used that expression with him. There was just no way it was going to happen. I would never sign a consent.

Casey
Mama to DS 2/22/06 and DS 3/27/09 :
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Old 08-11-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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I told my dh he had to come up with one reason that I could not refute. He tried. I told him even if he came up with what he thought was a "winner" the procedure would happen over my cold dead body.
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