My intro and ? about talking to a friend re:not circ'ing?? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 01-01-2004, 09:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone,

This is my first post on MDC, though I've been lurking for a couple of months now

I am currently pg with #2, who we found out was a boy at our u/s.
We are planning a home birth (DD was born in the Hospital), with a wonderful Midwife who brought up the issue of circ shortly after out u/s.

I just took it for granted that we would do it, after all "everybody does it" and "it's the right thing to do" :

So she gently suggested that we look into it further and handed me the Fleiss article.
This caused me to really dig in and do some major research (we're talking HOURS here!)

I blew through alot of my own predjudices (eewww! isn't it gross not to circ??, etc : ), and am now extremely passionate in my belief that circ'ing is wrong.

Ok, now to my question: I have a friend who is due just 8 days after me (I am almost 35 wks, and due on Feb 7th), and they are also having a boy.

My problem is this: I HAVE to talk to her about this issue. All of their family (I believe) have circ'ed their sons, and I'm sure she is also just taking it for granted.
So, I want to be sure that she has all the info needed to make an informed decision. However, I only ever see her at church, and her family is always close by...I'd really rather it be a private conversation so as to avoid a heated discussion.

She also has a fairly strong personality, and I'm more on the quiet side.

A few things I've thought of are to write her a letter, just pull her aside and ask if they are planning on circ'ing, then offer her a printout of Fleiss' article, or inviting her to lunch, saying that I have something I've discovered that's really been on my heart to tell her.

So, what do you all think would be best??? And what should I say to her so that she doesn't become too defensive (as much as is possible on my part).

I'm sorry this is SOOOO long! I've really been agonizing about this lately, and it's getting down to the wire...I want her to have plenty of time to talk this over with her DH.
Oh, btw, this is their first baby.

Anyway TIA sooo much, I know this question gets asked alot on here...and if you've read this whole novel, thanks for sticking in there, lol!:LOL
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#2 of 14 Old 01-01-2004, 09:46 PM
 
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Welcome to MDC! And congratulations on your decision to leave your darling son intact! You are so fortunate to have been given this information before he was born, while you have time to make a fully informed decision. I think your friend may appreciate that same opportunity, and I fully understand your drive to bring it to her attention. I think perhaps you might start by giving her a copy of the Fleiss article with the comment, "This is some information recently brought to my attention that I thought you'd also appreciate reading," or something along those lines. Keeping it simple, since you are quiet and she is more outgoing (I'm the quiet one in my friendships too ) might be a good way to start. Then she can call you if she has more questions about details or whatnot. I'm sure some of our other ladies and gents will have some great suggestions too, but that's my first thought.

Again, welcome, and congrats on your upcoming addition!
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#3 of 14 Old 01-01-2004, 09:48 PM
 
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Welcome!

Good For You For Doing Your Research And Caring Enough About Your Friend To Get Some Information To Her.

You already have some excellent ideas.

Lunch is a wonderful thought.

Near the end you can hand her a short note to take home along with the article so she doesn't feel she's being put on the spot.

Alternatively, can you mail it to her along with a really nice cloth dipey, outfit, etc.?

Or invite her to attend a local LLL meeting along with you. They have lending libraries that might interest her. Pass her the info on the way home.

If she's experiencing a lot of influence to circ she'll need time on her own to digest any information you give her, along with processing her husband's reaction.
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#4 of 14 Old 01-01-2004, 09:53 PM
 
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We did not plan to circ our children- 1st was a girl and while pg with #2 ( no u/s) we knew we would not circ if it was a boy.

Often people would inquire ( like my sons penis is any of your biz??) and my husband would reply "well we didn't circ our girl, and we want them to be the same:LOL "

So, as for gentley educating friends, I usually just make it about me " wow! I was so glad to read that I shouldn't circ!" if that opens up questions from friends or positive exchange, then great! If that is a topic they wish to avoid, they just don't say anything, and then I know!

But I do like to dazzle them with info like "I didn't want Maybeline to test eye shadow on my sons foreskin" ( cuz they do)

PS there is good info for religious NON-circ

BTW- we had another girl, and she is intact too

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#5 of 14 Old 01-01-2004, 10:30 PM
 
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I am new here at MDC too. I joined the boards to post at Diapering and have just started to venture to some others. My 1yo son is intact and I was about 7months pg when I decided that I would not circ. My SIL is pg and due with a boy in feb and I have been very gently trying to talk to her about not circing but so far have not been able to get through. I know my MIL would disown me if I talked my SIL into not circing. Anyway, I didn't mean to take over your post. Glad to know you are trying to educate your friend and I think by giving her the Fleiss article it is a good start. I am going to give it to my SIL with a heartfelt note. At least if she still circs I will know that I did let her know she had another option.
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#6 of 14 Old 01-01-2004, 10:30 PM
 
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Double post.
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#7 of 14 Old 01-02-2004, 03:11 AM
 
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Think about the route you took to arrive where you are and send her a road map to the same route.

The Fleiss article is an excellent start and if you can get her e-mail address, you can send her a link to this discussion board. There are few places on the internet to get gentle information that responds to individual concerns better than Mothering.com. There are many people here who can answer all of her concerns and are very happy to do it.




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#8 of 14 Old 01-02-2004, 03:45 AM
 
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Aahhh . . . But Of Course . . . A recommendation to come here to look for information regarding any concerns, in order to make a fully knowledgeable decision.

I'm enjoying the responses here.

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#9 of 14 Old 01-06-2004, 09:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to update you on talking to my friend about circ.
I just ended up waiting till her DH and SIL were talking about something (they were in a pew behind us after church was over), and asked her if they'd done much research on circ. She kinda looked at me weird and said "nooo...we're just gonna do it..."

So I told her that I'd been doing alot of investigating, and that I was really suprised at what I found. I was shocked that the Dr's don't tell you this stuff, etc. Then I said I thought that I still had an article that some Dr wrote for a parenting mag. in my purse if she was interested.
She said yes, so I got it for her.
She seemed pretty sceptical, but she did ask if we were going to circ, and I told her NO.

I'm trying not to think about what else I could/should have said...it's in her court now.
I did offer to give her any more info if she had questions...they don't have a computer, so she won't really be able to do any further research on her own .

One thing that I just recently realised is that her DH's older cousin in an RN, and I believe he had both of his boys circ'd, sooo...she'll probably end up talking to him and getting some misinformation....of course accepting it as fact


I guess I'll at least ask her on sunday if she had any questions after reading the article......don't want to bug her so much that she starts avoiding me though!
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#10 of 14 Old 01-06-2004, 09:48 PM
 
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I think you're handling it just right. Give her the info- follow up- let her decide. Hopefully, she'll understand and not do it.

I was very lucky my first was a girl- I didn't even know circ was an option (duh, i know) and we would have done it. The materials in mainstream magazines and books really don't cover anything but circ'ing. It wasn't until dd was about 6 mos or so that I knew if I ever had a boy, I wouldn't be cutting anything off.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#11 of 14 Old 01-07-2004, 09:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by GenevievesMama
One thing that I just recently realised is that her DH's older cousin in an RN, and I believe he had both of his boys circ'd, sooo...she'll probably end up talking to him and getting some misinformation....of course accepting it as fact
You could always ask if it's normal for RNs to ignore medical recommendations from every medical organisation in the world...
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#12 of 14 Old 01-08-2004, 08:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by GenevievesMama

I'm trying not to think about what else I could/should have said...it's in her court now.
I did offer to give her any more info if she had questions...they don't have a computer, so she won't really be able to do any further research on her own .
You did good. I'd encourage her to go to the library and use their computer to do more research. I'd get a video of circ and give her that also. I'd also make sure she got a copy of these:

http://www.mothering.com/10-0-0/html...cision85.shtml

http://www.infocirc.org/MensHlth.htm

http://www.fgmnetwork.org/intro/mgmfgm.html

http://www.cirp.org/library/statements/
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#13 of 14 Old 01-09-2004, 03:16 AM
 
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You've successfully opened the conversation.

The mere notion takes some time to digest.

The library suggestion is excellent.



baby steps . . .
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#14 of 14 Old 01-12-2004, 11:15 PM
 
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To me, the 2 most mainstream compelling information is:
1) that the AAP doesn't recommend it for medical reasons (although they are annoyingly neutral saying basically it's a personal decision). The AAP flyer was given to me by both my midwife and pediatrician.
2) the more people I've talked to about it, the more I'm finding HAVEN'T had it done... my friend made this observation. Her son is 7 mos older than ours and we'd already decided not to circ, but her observation was that anyone that had done any research on it decided not to. I think the trend towards not having it done will give many pause to consider that it is the more enlightened path.

Unfortunately I didn't talk my brother out of it, but at least they didn't take very much off... small consolation, I know. Then again, my brother wanted a Junior so I guess it's not a big surprise that he'd want his son to 'look like him'... sigh.

Good luck and enjoy your son.

Alaskan Mom to 2 boys
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