Anyone dealing with resentful feelings from your DP for not circumcising? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 12-22-2009, 03:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm due with my 3rd baby (our first boy) in about 5-6 weeks. I didn't really talk DH into not circumcising our son. But he angrily said to me tonight, "FINE. We'll do it YOUR way." And when I tried to talk to him a little more about it (I really want him to be on the same page as me on this issue) he said, "The more you talk about it, the more you're going to make me mad." So he's really, really not on board with not circumcising our son. I've really tried to be sensitive to his feelings as a circumcised man through this whole process, and I asked him to do research on the pros of leaving the penis intact, yet he's still reacting very strongly to it and wants to get it done because that is what he knows, and he has never had a problem with it.

So I'm glad that we're going to have an intact son, but I'm very sad that one of us is resentful of the decision. I just wanted us to both be in the same place with this decision and I'm sad that we're not. Part of the reason I think he's given up on this issue is because of money- it will not be covered and we'd have to pay full price for it, and we just don't have that kind of money right now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I'm very sad that we couldn't come to an agreement together. Normally we are a partnership in every aspect of parenting, so it's really heartbreaking to not be in the same place on this issue.

Mama to DD (5) DD (3) and DS (2 months)
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#2 of 14 Old 12-22-2009, 04:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lacysmommy View Post
And when I tried to talk to him a little more about it (I really want him to be on the same page as me on this issue) he said, "The more you talk about it, the more you're going to make me mad."

...it's really heartbreaking to not be in the same place on this issue.
This is for you to read but not your dh:
http://www.udonet.com/circumcision/v...ty_of_men.html

Honestly, I wouldn't press the issue or discuss it anymore right now. Sometimes it takes a while for a circumcised man to come to terms with everything. But since you've both agreed your son will remain intact I don't think it needs to be brought up again, at least for a long time. I highly doubt your dh will be upset or resentful once your son is here and dh sees how precious and tiny he is. It may take a few weeks or even a few years, but I'm guessing your dh will become more accepting of it (although he may never been in 100% agreement or on the same page as you - he doesn't need to be).
You may want to mention to dh after your son is born that no special care for cleaning and no retraction is needed, especially if your dh will ever change a diaper or give a bath.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and on your decision to keep your son intact!

Mom &  RN   intactivist.gif
Pardon the typos - CWOK (cat walking on keyboard)   signcirc1.gif

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#3 of 14 Old 12-22-2009, 10:54 AM
 
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Honestly, I wouldn't press the issue or discuss it anymore right now. Sometimes it takes a while for a circumcised man to come to terms with everything. But since you've both agreed your son will remain intact I don't think it needs to be brought up again, at least for a long time.
I agree. It doesn't sound like he's angry at you so much as he's just at his limit. He probably thinks the decision has been made, and there's no reason for you to continue to talk about it. A lot of men don't come to terms with it overnight, or even over a month. Just give him some time.

My DH reacted very similarly when we first discussed not circumcising. He would cross his arms and either insist that his son would be circumcised like him, or refuse to discuss it at all. Very unlike him. As soon as I backed off, he apparently decided it wasn't as big a deal as he'd originally thought, and he grudgingly told me he'd go with what I wanted. By the time our son was born, he'd done a total about-face was pretty vehemently against circ'ing him. At a family gathering the other day, when one of DH's relatives asked if we could hear DS crying "when they did the circumcision", he was actually the one who spoke up and said that we didn't have it done. During the course of the conversation, he ended up taking the reins (to my surprise) and was even more vocal about debunking all the myths than I was.

Like you, I wanted to talk and talk about it until we were on the same page. But I finally realized that we weren't going to get there my way, and I had to let him have the space he needed to sort through it all on his own. Best of luck to you! It may not seem like it right now, but the hardest part is past. Now you just wait.
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#4 of 14 Old 12-22-2009, 07:28 PM
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Just drop it for awhile. Once the baby is there, he'll start to understand or at least accept it. My partner was half angry ("I don't want to have to explain it to him, I don't know s*** about foreskin") until he saw the baby and realised "That's what all the hoopla is about? That's no big deal at all, it doesn't even look that different!"

Long distance Mom to boarding school superstars E (9) and Layne (6).
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#5 of 14 Old 12-22-2009, 07:35 PM
 
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I agree, just drop the whole subject, in fact I have 2 intact boys, I just never mentioned anything to my husband. When our first was a few months old it came up in conversation and he asked if I planned to get it done. I said no and he said 'oh' and that was it.

Katherine, SAHM to 2 little princes
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#6 of 14 Old 12-22-2009, 07:48 PM
 
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Hmm I haven't been in this situation as I live in a non-circing country, but I wonder if part of all the negative feelings - combined with the obvious "nothing is wrong with my penis" issue is that he doesn't feel like his opinion is being valued or even heard at all.
Maybe at some point - rather than continue to try and win him over ask him what he feels about this all and then just listen. No arguing - no telling him he is wrong. Just listen to his feelings about the issue - let him talk talk talk. Let him know you value his feelings and opinion. When he is done - don't discuss. Just leave it at that. You have plenty of time still. Ofcourse you won't let it happen, but I think if he feels listened too and heard he will not feel as overruled kwim? Eventually - not as in when you are done listening, but rather as you run out of time, your point will be that all his feelings are valid, but that your DS may not have the same feelings and therefore should be left to make the choice about his own body eventually.

Single mom to ds(8), dd(6) and ds(5)
 

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#7 of 14 Old 12-23-2009, 02:18 AM
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He'll get over it. Don't push him.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#8 of 14 Old 12-23-2009, 05:10 PM
 
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I do think DH still harbors some resentment. DS is 9 months old now. It is probably more of a "you make all the kid related decisions and I get overridden all the time" issue than Circ really, but that is how he protrays it. He has actually brought up having it done when he is under General anesthesia (he has syndactyly of his 4th and 5th fingers and will need surgery soon). I told him it was NOT about anesthesia, it was about body integrity. Truly I don't understand it still. He wouldn't let me pierce DD's ears even, yet wants to cut a piece of skin off DS penis. Just crazy.

In any case, this is one thing I am okay not agreeing (yet getting my way) on. It is too important to worry about a bruised ego.

W (26) and C (27) parenting G (11/06 ) and D (2/09 ) plus a new one (3/11)
Sometimes the greener grass is actually AstroTurf, a false promise and nothing more.
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#9 of 14 Old 12-23-2009, 05:50 PM
 
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Having a homebirth. Circ hasn't come up. We don't know what we are having. And I'm leaving it at that until it does and if it does.

Crunchy con wife with 1 DS and 1 lil DD born in Jan. I love breastfeeding, CDing and Friday night family bed.
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#10 of 14 Old 12-24-2009, 02:33 AM
 
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Yes, and he comments about it all the time. I let it go for a few weeks and then told him that that was ENOUGH and he needed to shut up about it. I'm starting to get concerned that he is going to give DS weird ideas about it when he's old enough to understand

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

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#11 of 14 Old 01-16-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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DH is very trusting and, after asking lots of questions, usually agrees with me on topics (not vaccinating, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, etc). So when I casually brought up not circ'ing, I was expecting the same reaction... Boy was I wrong!

My usually very relaxed husband was vehement about circ'ing and his only reason was so that they would look the same. After a couple of conversations, he just stopped responding. I went from KNOWING we were having a little boy (I just knew, ya' know?) to PRAYING we were having a girl. Like the OP, my husband and I work together on everything and this was the first complete road block we'd encountered!

Finally, without me pushing it, he came around. I had just about caved and was going to grudgingly consent when he let me know that at the end of the day, it wasn't worth all the arguing and logic told him if nature still produced the foreskin then it made sense to keep it.. I was so relieved!

Now, our little man is 2wks and 5days old and even tho I'd never seen an intact penis in person, I feel so relieved when I see my son's. This might seem weird, but when I change him, I think to myself, "That looks right - that looks like what nature intended." I feel *so* relieved that it worked out the way it did.
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#12 of 14 Old 01-16-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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When he is ready to discuss it more, this is a good publication to give him, since it is written by doctors.

http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcisi...yStatement.pdf

But really, the argument that he wants his son to be like him is just silly. Either he is shallow and cannot think for himself, or there are deeper feelings that he has not yet identified and brought up.

You can try and bring these to the surface by responding to the look like me thing with the obvious like what about your pubic hair, your height, your head hair, your....or the less obvious, if it means that much to you, you can restore your foreskin...

And an important point to keep in mind. He may have no issues that he knows of having a circumcised penis, but he also has no idea what he has lost by having his foreskin amputated. So he is not in a good position to decide, based on his experience with foreskins.

One other point. It makes a lot of sense to wait. Pain managent is much better when your son is older. The doctor can do a much better and less risky job on an adult penis than he can on an infant's undeveloped penis.

Regards
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#13 of 14 Old 01-20-2010, 01:11 PM
 
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In regards to the appearance-my thoughts exactly! Really!! I hadn't ever really been around ANY penis' so to me, my ds just looked the way a baby boy looked. When I finally saw what a circ'd newborn penis looked like, I couldn't believe it. THATS supposed to be *normal*?? Its so raw and bloody and....exposed. It just looks so weird to me! I guess I'm just used to not seeing my son's glans, seeing it in another baby/boy now just seems so wrong to me. For some reason though, adult men don't invoke the same reaction in me. Of course, if I think about it I know that they once looked like that, but its just not the same.

Anyway, I'd just drop it for now and maybe when ds is here and hes had some time, ask him how he feels about it at that point. Just let him vent-or not! He might decide its ok and its not a big deal anymore

Cari-mama to Eriq, Lile, Paikea, Kaidyn, and Mieke is here!! 2/9/10
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#14 of 14 Old 01-20-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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DP is extremely resentful that we didn't circ Ds. He doesn't bring it up much anymore, but he still feels that it should have been his decision to make. (We have lots of issues at the moment, and maybe if our relationship were better it would be different but who knows?)

I KNOW it was the right decision to make and I hope that, someday, Dp will come around. It's heartbreaking and it sucks to know you're not on the same page with this but I've learned to let it go. I can't control how Dp feels about it, just how I do.

S~ Peace loving, natural living, FuNkY vegan mama to Keiran bouncy.gif 23/Dec/06:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" ~~ MLK
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