How to not offend friends/family? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 06-08-2014, 09:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How to not offend friends/family?

I'm the only person I know in real life to leave my son intact and I was just wondering how y'all go about explaining why to those who are curious. Some friends have commented on it during diaper changes and I don't really know what to say! I feel very strongly about it, but for their sons, what's done is done, and I don't want to come across as offensive or sound like I think they made a bad choice. (Even though I think it was a bad choice, I live in TX and I don't think people even think there's an option. Many people have told me that they've "never seen one!")

If someone without kids or someone pregnant asks, I tell them all about it. I am just unsure of how to handle it when the person has a young circumcised son. I don't want to ruin relationships with friends or relatives.
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#2 of 10 Old 06-08-2014, 11:28 PM
 
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If someone comments I wouldn't make a big deal. Just say "yep" and if they have questions they can ask. Just be matter-of-fact. If they feel judged then it's their problem.
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#3 of 10 Old 06-10-2014, 10:50 AM
 
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In the (very) few incidences where people have been pushy in asking me/us why our boys are all intact, I either:

(a) refer to the child we knew whose circ was botched and resulted in partial amputation of the glans (that gets the males every time!); or

(b) I say, "in our family, we don't perform unnecessary/cosmetic procedures on newborns."

Either one usually shuts them up.

Our family knows why we did this, so I really only ever have to explain to friends. I can remember being a FTM 10 years ago, and being the ONLY family that didn't circ -- and sometimes it did feel awkward, since diaper changes did happen more frequently then. As they get older, it literally never comes up. I can't remember the last time I got asked about it -- it's been years. However, we live in CO, and I think the circ rates here are lower than TX, so it may just be that people have seen more variation and it's less unusual here.

MY bigger issue is maintaining friendships with other moms who know better but then circ a subsequent boy...but that is MY issue, not theirs, and I am forever working on not being judgmental...

HTH
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#4 of 10 Old 06-10-2014, 02:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olimama826 View Post
I'm the only person I know in real life to leave my son intact and I was just wondering how y'all go about explaining why to those who are curious. Some friends have commented on it during diaper changes and I don't really know what to say! I feel very strongly about it, but for their sons, what's done is done, and I don't want to come across as offensive or sound like I think they made a bad choice. (Even though I think it was a bad choice, I live in TX and I don't think people even think there's an option. Many people have told me that they've "never seen one!")

If someone without kids or someone pregnant asks, I tell them all about it. I am just unsure of how to handle it when the person has a young circumcised son. I don't want to ruin relationships with friends or relatives.
I my son (not circ'd) and my nephew were both tiny, my SIL (who was not my nephews mother) and I were changing them together and she asked me something about it - I can't remember her question, but I DO remember popping off in a thoughtless way, slamming my other SIL for circ'ing when she knew we didn't and (in retrospect, I assumed) believing she knew why. I failed to remember that the SIL in the room also had a circ'd son. I say all this bc I'm pretty sure my SILs couldn't care less, all these years later, but I still feel like such a jerk, both for being so judgmental, and for not handling it better and thereby hampering the "intactivist" agenda.

So a really good question, is all.

I then switched to more of a, "You know, every boy in my family is circ'd, and I didn't even question it until ______. After that, dh and I started reading more about it, and what we learned changed our minds." I didn't say more than that - after that I figured it was up to them whether they wanted to hear more or blow it off, and I determined to remain as neutral as possible, particularly for friends who had already made that choice.

It's such a relief to finally trust yourself.
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#5 of 10 Old 06-14-2014, 06:41 AM
 
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This has very rarely come up, mostly I suppose because when DS was born (in Canada) the circ rate was around 50% where we live and likely a lot less in other areas. However, I usually say that I had been circ'd and really wish that choice had not been taken away from me. That elicits curiosity that allows me to educate further. The last time the subject came up involved one of my cousin's wives who was commenting on how older members of the family did not seem to have a nurturing type of personality. Specifically, my Dad and uncle. I know that both had been circumcised and went on to explain that there has been some research that shows how circumcision increases the likelihood (4.5 times) of a circ'd male suffering from alexithymia.
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#6 of 10 Old 06-17-2014, 11:33 AM
 
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Smile More cute than offensive

I never felt the need to explain anything. I find my boy's foreskins to be pretty inoffensive in general (Ok, when clean anyway )

I always think about the old Kinks song " Gods children"

Man made the buildings that reach for the sky
And man made the motorcar and learned how to drive
But he didn't make the flowers and he didn't make the trees
And he didn't make you and he didn't make me

And he's got no right to turn us into machines
No, he's got no right at all 'cause we are all God's children
And he got no right to change us
Oh, we gotta go back the way the good Lord made us all

I don't want this world to change me
I wanna go back the way the good Lord made me
Same lungs that He gave me to breath with
Same eyes He gave me to see with


Nice song too!

https://video.search.yahoo.com/video...01&age=0&&tt=b
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#7 of 10 Old 06-27-2014, 09:10 PM
 
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If it came up I would say something like "Well, my Dr/midwife stated it wasn't medically necessary. I started doing research and found out that not only does the foreskin have important functions but that circ can go really wrong and cause some bad problems, even death. DH & I weren't comfortable taking those risks if not necessary".

Mom &  RN   intactivist.gif
Pardon the typos - CWOK (cat walking on keyboard)   signcirc1.gif

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#8 of 10 Old 06-29-2014, 06:35 AM
 
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Book

There is a great book for handling awkward conversations.


Crucial Conversations.


I highly recommend it.


Regards
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#9 of 10 Old 06-29-2014, 01:31 PM
 
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I'm fortunate that my partner's from the UK, where circumcision is NOT the norm, so we have a very handy excuse. Fortunately, no one asked.

My biggest argument is- "If he grows up and wishes he'd been circumcised, he can easily get one. If he grows up and wishes he hadn't been, he's kind of out of luck." Heck, if kiddo grows up and wants a circ and their insurance/healthcare won't cover it, we'll try to get together the funds to cover it if he wants.

I'm not opposed to the idea of any circumcision, I'm opposed to non-consensual, unnecessary surgery on helpless infants. I don't buy the idea that newborns don't feel pain. I have no idea where it came from, as they respond to painful stimuli by screaming and looking like they're in pain. I don't know a polite, non-judgemental way to say that because it's incredibly judgemental.
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familybed1.gif homebirth.jpgnocirc.gifmalesling.GIFecbaby2.gif 

Proud Formula Feeder, I support how ALL parents feed their babies. Breast or bottle, formula or breastmilk, and any combination thereof.

Happily married since 4/30/2009  Our first was born 4/23/2013

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#10 of 10 Old 07-02-2014, 05:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sillysapling View Post

My biggest argument is- "If he grows up and wishes he'd been circumcised, he can easily get one. If he grows up and wishes he hadn't been, he's kind of out of luck." Heck, if kiddo grows up and wants a circ and their insurance/healthcare won't cover it, we'll try to get together the funds to cover it if he wants.

I'm not opposed to the idea of any circumcision, I'm opposed to non-consensual, unnecessary surgery on helpless infants. I don't buy the idea that newborns don't feel pain. I have no idea where it came from, as they respond to painful stimuli by screaming and looking like they're in pain. I don't know a polite, non-judgemental way to say that because it's incredibly judgemental.
This is my biggest argument too. Once that foreskin has been amputated, there is no putting it back!!

Also, I agree about the pain - but that is a short term issue, although it has been proven to have long term (lifetime) psychological consequences. The other thing, as Night_Nurse pointed out is that foreskins have most useful functions that benefit the owner for their entire sexually active lives.
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